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Today Bush visited the Lincoln Electric Company in Ohio, where he said, “I’m proud to be here with ‘the welding experts.’”
“One of the issues that in a time of economic uncertainty -- and these are uncertain times, no question about it.” So there’s no question about uncertainty. Of that he is certain.
“They’re uncertain because you’re paying high prices at the gas pump. They’re uncertain because you’re reading the newspapers about the housing issue. They’re uncertain times.” So stop reading the damned newspapers, America! Bush never reads the newspapers and he’s never uncertain.
WHAT WE OUGHT TO BE DOING DURING UNCERTAIN TIMES: “And during uncertain times, we ought to be playing to our strengths, and implementing good common-sense policy.” Because when you think of George Bush’s strengths, you think fart jokes implementing good common-sense policy.
IN OTHER WORDS: “On the other hand, products going into Colombia from the United States face a duty, a tariff, a tax....” Someone may have given George a thesaurus. “... In other words, the products made in the United States going into that market cost more because of taxes imposed by the Colombian government.”
GEORGE TALKED TO THE VOICES IN HIS HEAD ABOUT HIS MAGIC WAND: “Somebody said, what are you going to do about gasoline prices? I said, if I had the magic wand, I’d wave it.”
Pointing at his magic wand, which he is waving.
A LITTLE EXTRA MORE: “What’s interesting, however, is that people are plenty wise about how to conserve. You’re making the choices about whether you want to drive a little extra more or not drive extra more. It’s the collective wisdom, again, of the American people that really do set the best conservation measures.” Oh hidden hand of the free market, what is there that you can’t solve?
WHAT YOU GOT TO UNDERSTAND: “So when you hear ‘my gasoline prices are going up,’ you got to understand the main reason why is because oil prices are going up.”
WHAT WE GOT: “We got an energy problem here.”
IT’S ALL ABOUT THE WELDING: “I am confident nuclear power is safe, because I understand that the products that go into a nuclear power plant are made by some of the finest welders in the United States of America.”
WHAT WE’RE HEADING INTO: “And therefore we’re spending a lot of your money -- I think it’s well spent -- to find cellulosic ethanol possibilities. That means wood -- that’s a fancy word for wood chips or switch grasses -- all aiming -- my point to you is, is that we’re heading into a new era.”
YUP, HE’S DEFINITELY GOT HIS HANDS ON A THESAURUS. “But I’m here to talk about the meantime, the interim, the right now.”
At the end he asked for questions and there weren’t any, dammit, even though he threatened, “If you don’t have any questions, I can tell you a lot of interesting stories.” So he told that stupid story about seeing a rainbow in Bucharest that one time six years ago: “the rainbow ended exactly behind the balcony where the tyrant had given his last speech. Now you can look at that any way you want to look at it. I’ll tell you how I looked at it. I looked at it as a sign that freedom is beautiful. That freedom brings peace. That freedom is not ours alone. That freedom is universal. Or maybe it’s just light refracting off some water droplets in the air, creating an optical illusion. Or, you know, that freedom-is-universal thing, whatever.” I may have made up the last two sentences.
DON’T TELL HIM THAT THE REST OF US CAN SEE RAINBOWS TOO: “So I saw that rainbow, and I said I’m the fortunate -- most fortunate man to be the president of this fabulous country.”
Today Bush met Pakistani Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani.
THE MOST DEMOCRATIC MEAL OF THE DAY: “We’ve had a good meeting in the Oval Office. And then I’m going to have lunch with the Prime Minister here in the main White House. And that’s fitting. After all, Pakistan is a strong ally and a vibrant democracy.” No, I’m still not seeing what that has to do with lunch.
VERY: “And of course, we talked about the common threat we face: extremists who are very dangerous people.” Sometimes they even have (gasp) brunch.
In a long profile of Secretary Treasury Hank Paulson in the NYT business section, Paulson asks plaintively, “When I talk to people, there are a whole lot of them that say: ‘I don’t like this,’ ‘I don’t like that,’ ‘I don’t like the other thing.’ I say: ‘Neither do I. What idea do you have? What do you think we should do?’”
The article is illustrated by another NYT entry in my series, Everything You Need to Know About the Economy You Can Tell By the Expression on Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s Face.
I started reading the open letter by Matt Browner Hamlin of the Mark Begich senatorial campaign (Alaska) to Ted Stevens’s campaign manager, but I couldn’t get past “Dear Mr. Tibbles” without giggling shamelessly.
Possibly the Stevens campaign is run by a Siamese cat owned by a little old lady.
It would explain a lot.
Headline of the Day, from the Indy: “Sorry, Says Dominatrix Who Betrayed Mosley.” Do you know how you can tell someone is a crap dominatrix? She says, “Sorry.” Max Mosley, by the way, has won his libel case against the News of the World, and gotten legal costs plus £60,000 for pain and suffering. Which is no doubt what he’ll spend it on.
From the Justice Dept’s August 2002 memo (pdf) helpfully telling Guantanamo torturers that they could not be prosecuted under the Torture Act unless they could be proved to have had a specific intent to cause long-term suffering and if they had a “good faith belief” that they were not causing severe suffering: “an honest belief need not be reasonable”.
I believe that also serves as a summing up of the entire Bush presidency.
Today, Obama visited Germany and McCain visited Schmidt’s Sausage Haus und Restaurant in Columbus, Ohio. He had the bratwurst.
Speaking of things whose exact contents you really don’t want to know, McCain spoke his mind, saying that he stands by his previous declarations that Obama wants to lose the war in Iraq for political reasons, saying, “It’s pretty obvious he’s taken this position to secure the nomination of his party.”
He also got some cream puffs to go.
And speaking of cream puffs to go, Lindsey Graham was with him.
Fudge haus? Really, McCain? Really? That’s what you chose to stand in front of? Really? I spend much of my time making fun of the way George Bush speaks, and I still find that insultingly easy. Fudge haus, indeed.
Happy Captive Nations Week, everybody! Bush gave a little speech today about the “freedom agenda” at the offices of the USAID, which he described as being “on the front lines of compassion and decency and liberty.” Because nothing says compassion and decency and liberty like war terminology.
He quoted former presidents about how liberty and democracy and shit. It may be the first time I’ve ever heard someone quote Woodrow Wilson’s pledge to make the world safe for democracy other than in an ironic or sarcastic way.
He also talked about things former presidents did for liberty and democracy and shit, including “the Marshall Plan, the Berlin Airlift” and... wait for it... “support for freedom fighters in Central America”. Also, the invasions of Grenada and Panama.
“Even now, change is stirring in places like Havana and Damascus and Tehran. The people of these nations dream of a free future, hope for a free future, and believe that a free future will come. And it will. May God be with them in their struggle. America always will be.” So evidently we always will be, but God might be, because God’s a little, well, unreliable.
From the Guardian: “‘Karadzic Gave a Massage to My Wife and My Daughters’” (Subhead: Nick Medic tells of his horror at discovering his Serbian doctor’s true identity)
Caption contest:
McCain had planned to hold a campaign event on an off-shore oil rig tomorrow, but has cancelled due to Hurricane Dolly.
See? he does so know enough to come in out of the rain.
Several commentators have said that McCain’s comment, which he repeated three times Tuesday, that Obama “would rather lose a war than lose a campaign” is the most scurrilous thing they’ve ever heard a politician say (I think it was Joe Klein that used the word scurrilous). I’d remind them that in 2002 Bush said that opposition to his plan to remove civil-service protections from government workers transferred into Homeland Security proved that the Democratic-controlled Senate was “not interested in the security of the American people”.
According to the WaPo’s indispensable Al Kamen, former presidential candidate Duncan Hunter wished to live up to his name by going to Chad to dunk hunt some wildebeest. All in a good cause, of course – he planned to donate the meat to refugees from Darfur. The State Dept told him there are no wildebeest in Chad, which bans big-game hunting anyway. The Republican Party must be so upset it didn’t choose this guy.
Rep. Hunter (R-CA)
Today, Bush held an event at the White House in honor of Colombian Independence Day. No one embarrassed him by asking if he knew when Colombia became independent or from what.
As always with such events, he took the opportunity to express his prowess in the Spanish language: “Thank you. Siéntese. Gracias. Buenos dias. Bienvenidos a la Casa Blanca.” “Hola, Luis.” “And after this brief discurso...” “They chanted a simple, but powerful message -- ‘Libertad’ -- that means freedom.”
WHY, WHAT DID YOU THINK I MEANT? SNIFF SNIFF. “As many of you may know, Colombia supports [sic] America’s primary source of energy -- a resource that many Americans use, and we thank you for your coffee.”
Did you know that the US “helped rescue Colombia from the brink of becoming a failed state”? Now you know.
He again called for Congress to pass the free-trade treaty with Colombia and praised President Uribe, who “has stood strong against tyranny and terror.” In the context of the speech’s previous paragraph, it is clear that by “tyranny” he means Venezuela, which he also called a “threat.”
The White House also issued a “fact sheet,” called “Defending Democratic Values We Share with Colombia,” which proclaims such triumphs as “Labor conditions in Colombia have significantly improved.” As an example of this significant improvement, it says that fewer than 40 trade unionists were brutally murdered last year. Hurrah!
Call this a caption contest for some leftover pictures from yesterday, when 1) Barack was in Iraq for a briefing on the Iraq situation by Colonel Combover,
2) John McCain went to Kennebunkport to be anointed by, er, George H.W. Bush (true story: McCain is actually 12 years younger than Bush the Elder rather than, as the picture would suggest, 12 years older),
3) Junior had an unsettlingly creepy picture taken with the March of Dimes national ambassador Catharine Aboulhouda,
4) before settling down for a nice dinner with past and future Olympic athletes of the female persuasion, any one of whom could have snapped him like a twig but, sadly, did not.
Today, Bush met with the president and prime minister of what he called “an independent Kosovo”.
AND I POINTED OUT THAT HIS EYES SEEM TO FOLLOW YOU AROUND THE ROOM. SPOOKY. “I mentioned to both these leaders that they were sitting right below the portrait of George Washington, the founder of a free United States.”
SO I HAD THE SECRET SERVICE PULL DOWN THEIR PANTS AND MAKE THEM STAND UP BEFORE THE ENTIRE CLASS... “And I appreciate your courage. I appreciate your leadership. And I commit the United States to help you realize your dreams.”
After they made their remarks, pantsless, Bush concluded, “Thank you, guys.” Which is the correct form of address for the president and prime minister of an independent Kosovo.
Caption contest. The AP’s original caption: “Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., touches the face of veteran Steve Dunwoody as he stops to talk with him during a campaign stop at the Maine Military Museum in South Portland, Maine, Monday, July 21, 2008.”
McCain said (whilst blowing the secrecy of Obama’s visit to Iraq), “I am sure that Senator Obama is going to arrive in Baghdad in a much, much safer and secure environment than the one that he would’ve encountered before we started the surge.” Ya know, Mister Maverick, it would be more impressive if you picked for your comparison point some time period other than the height of a civil war. I mean, for low-bar-setting, that statement is only surpassed by “John McCain is smarter than George Bush.”
Name of the Day, as pointed out by The Now Show: Britain’s new knife czar (they’re having a little tabloid-fueled panic over knife crime lately), Mr. Alfred Hitchcock (no relation).
UR DOING IT WRONG: “Three Chinese reporters attending a police briefing on the success of an anti-gun campaign were accidentally shot”.
Remember: “arbitrary date for withdrawal” bad, “a general time horizon for meeting aspirational goals” good.
Caption contest:
P.S. Is a general time horizon anything like a time tunnel?
Condi Rice, on Sean Hannity’s radio show today: “the line about killing civilians, I believe, is an unfortunate one. We sometimes hear it in Europe. We should not fall prey to that argument that somehow we’re killing innocent civilians. It is the Taliban that is doing that.”
Also today, the US military admitted having killed eight civilians and injured two more in an air strike in Afghanistan Tuesday, saying it “deeply regret[s] any occurrence such as this where civilians are killed and injured as a result of insurgent activity and actions.”
As for that wedding party, they’re still not admitting having bombed it, but are continuing to “investigate.”
Bush went to California today to fly over some wildfire damage, pretend he knows how to read a map,
Ah see some green things an’ some brown things an’...and meet our illustrious governor.
Yeah, ah can totally take this guy.
Ah’m gonna totally wail on your Terminator butt.
With the inevitable result.
And, for your captioning pleasure:
Today McCain claimed that he was the person to win the war in Afghanistan because “I know how to win wars.” Yes, he did so well the last time.
He said he would appoint a “war czar” for Afghanistan, because, if you really want to invoke the thought of victory in Afghanistan, you have to go with a Russian term.
He compared himself to Obama, who once threatened to take military action inside Pakistan. “I won’t bluster and I won’t make idle threats. But understand this, when I am commander in chief, there will be nowhere the terrorists can run and nowhere they can hide,” he blustered and idly threatened.
DON’T TELL HIM THAT THE REST OF US CAN SEE RAINBOWS TOO: “So I saw that rainbow, and I said I’m the fortunate -- most fortunate man to be the president of this fabulous country.”
