George goes to the Olympics!

Caption contest. What did Putin say to Bush Friday?


What tips about men’s basketball did Henry Kissinger share?


Ooo, shiny!


White men can’t clap.

Universal remote

Bush attended services at one of the state-licensed Ant churches in Beijing (Protestant but with no protest permitted). He said, “You know, I’ve just -- Laura and I just had the great joy and privilege of worshiping here in Beijing, China. You know, it just goes to show that God is universal, and God is love, and no state, man or woman should fear the influence of loving religion.” What goes to show that? You went to church in China, which proves that God is universal and God is love? What does “God is universal” even mean?

Of boars and butts

Bush gave his weekly radio address from China, and hey guess what, he’s learned something important: “This trip has reaffirmed my belief that men and women who aspire to speak their conscience and worship their God are no threat to the future of China.” He doesn’t say what he saw or heard that reaffirmed that belief. Maybe another of those magic rainbows. He continued, “They are the people who will make China a great nation in the 21st century.” This actually goes further than he usually goes, beyond a plea for tolerance to one for actual dominance by God-botherers.

You’ve probably seen the footage of Bush looking at his watch during the opening ceremonies.


Meanwhile, back in the States, McCain was campaigning yesterday at the Iowa State Fair. Here is the winner of the, ahem, Big Boar competition.


Back to China. At, I believe, the exact moment Laura and Not-Jenna were touring the Forbidden City, Bush was attempting to explore a little forbidden city of his own.




Wow, look at that ass.

And we all know to what I was referring by “that ass,” don’t we?

This has been another episode of Subtle Political Commentary Theater.


Oh, and Georgia just declared a state of war with Russia. Just sayin’.

Headline of the Day

“Dog-Cloner Denies She Was Mormon Sex Kidnapper.”

I may be wrong, but did American newspapers completely fail to pick up the story, run in several British papers a few days ago, about the Israeli secret police telling Gazans that they could only enter Israel for emergency medical treatment (including one at risk of going blind, who has indeed lost the use of one eye) if they became informers?

Caption contest (at the dedication of the new American embassy in Beijing):

It’s not easy to go from a very fierce military one-man rule to democracy

In Thailand, after having lunch with Burmese activists, Bush held an interview with Voice of America, the BBC, Radio Free Asia and the Democratic Voice of Burma on the subject of his intense interest in the situation in Burma. He demonstrated his level of interest by calling Aung San Suu Kyi “Aung Suu San Kyi,” twice, and not even attempting to name the guy running the country except as “the general” or “the military leader,” as in “We have been tough, because we believe that the General -- the General -- has been very stubborn in not allowing certain freedoms, and we believe that’s wrong.” Two names, George, that’s all you had to memorize.

IN OTHER WORDS: “But I don’t think it would have been helpful for the Burmese people had there been a conflict over the delivery of aid. What we don’t want to do is compound a terrible situation. In other words, if we just sent in -- sent people in, our military in without visas or permission from the government, there’s no telling what the reaction would have been.”

Why did “the general” respond so badly to the cyclone? “I think his reaction was -- is because he was in denial to a certain extent about the realities on the ground.” Imagine what that must be like.


NO WAND-WAVING: “I wish there was a magic wand to wave; there isn’t.”


IN OTHER WORDS: “You know, one of the things that obviously the people involved in the democracy movement have got to think through is how do you get from here to there. In other words, it’s not easy to go from a very fierce military one-man rule to democracy.”

WHAT THEY WOULD DO IF THEY WERE INTERESTED IN DEMOCRACY: “They have proved they’re not interested in democracy. If they’re interested in democracy, they’d let the prisoners out of prison, for starters. The political prisoners would be a given to chance to leave and live in a free life.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “And that’s a -- this is a priority. In other words, there’s -- and others have different priorities.”

A Pacific nation, but not a pacific nation

Gov. Schwarzenegger is threatening that if the California legislature doesn’t pass a budget soon, he will veto a bill to deny dental licenses to registered sex offenders.

Bush is still in Thailand. Here he is holding a traditional puangmalai, which is a, um, I dunno, a traditional Thai cock ring?


And here he is watching a traditional Thai dance. Where’s that puangmalai, George?


George says that “When I became President, I brought a conviction that America is a Pacific nation”. A conviction, huh? Of course, with George’s map-reading skills, he’s also convinced the United States is on the Indian Ocean and the Sea of Tranquility.

Americans don’t need foreign approval to lead their lives as they see fit

In an amusing email yesterday, RNC chair Robert Duncan (while falsely claiming that Obama plans to give $845b to “United Nations’ redistribution efforts”) complained that Barack Obama dared to call himself a citizen of the world:

It seems the Democrats’ would-be president of the United States of America really believes that the rest of the world’s problems, and approval, trump the interests of Americans when it comes to how we live our lives and where our money is spent. While stumping for the support of his party’s leftist base, Obama proclaimed, “we can’t drive our SUVs and eat as much as we want and keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times . . . and then just expect that other countries are going to say OK.”

Therefore, Duncan goes on, we should all give the Republican Party money to “show Barack Obama that Americans don’t need foreign approval to lead their lives as they see fit, and that he ought to remember that he is running for president of the United States, not the United Nations.”

Yeah, Barack, you really ought to remember that.

Bush in Thailand

Bush then traveled from South Korea to Thailand.

WHAT AMERICAN CITIZENS DON’T UNDERSTAND: “I don’t think our citizens understand this, Mr. Prime Minister, but we’ve dedicated $35 million to help prevent and treat HIV/AIDS here in Thailand, and we’re happy to do so.”

Laura will be visiting a refugee camp on the Thai-Burma border. George says “She’s looking forward to the trip, and I’m looking forward to hearing her report from the trip.” I’m not sure you’re really supposed to, you know, “look forward” to visiting a refugee camp.

AS EVER, IT’S ALL ABOUT THE FREE GRUB (GRUBS IN SATAY SAUCE?): “We’re looking forward to eating some good Thai food”.

Bush in South Korea: And my hope is that the axis of evil list no longer exists

Bush was in South Korea this morning, and held a press conference with the Korean president. As ever, Bush focused with laser-like intensity on the most important aspect of the meetings: “And Laura and I and Barbara are looking forward to lunch.”



He was asked about the pre-Olympics crack-down on human rights in China, and responded, not for the first time, by talking about only one human right, religious: “I’ve been meeting with Chinese leaders now for seven and a half years; my message has been the same: You should not fear religious people in your society”.



But then again, asked about North Korea coming off the list of state sponsors of terrorism, he talked only about nuclear weapons: “They got to, like, show us a verification regime that we can trust.”

They’ll also have to do that to get off what Bush calls “the axis of evil list.”



ALSO, SANTA’S “NAUGHTY OR NICE” LIST, BECAUSE HE’S TIRED OF GETTING LUMPS OF COAL: “And my hope is that the ‘axis of evil’ list no longer exists. That’s my hope, for the sake of peace.”

Although one thing is for certain: “I mean, one thing is for certain that he did blow up the cooling tower.”



After that lunch, he went to a US Army garrison because “I always look forward to the chance to say ‘Hooah!’” Well, who doesn’t? Say it with me right now: Hooah!



Are your co-workers giving you the same look my cat’s giving me right now?



THE RUBBLES OF WAR: “We’ve worked with our allies to help build a free and prosperous country out of the rubbles of war.”

He liked the South Korean army too (what’s the Korean for “Hooah!”?): “One of the signs of Korea’s emergence is a professional and capable military. It’s one of the things you look for, when you see a country begin to get on its feet and take control of its destiny, is what kind of military does it have?” One that overthrew the civilian government and ruled with an iron fist, crushing all dissent, for thirty years, thank you for asking.

Really hard to tell

In an interview with the WaPo, Bush says it’s “really hard to tell” how free China is. Is it now?

HE’S THE REMINDERER: “My main objective in my discussions on religious freedom is to remind this new generation of leadership that religion is not to be feared but to be welcomed in society.”

Asked whether all his quiet diplomacy actually has any effect on Hu Jintao, he said, “Oh, I think he listens, absolutely. I think he’s interested. ... He absorbs, he takes in, he listens.” He fidgets, he checks his watch discretely, he counts ceiling tiles, he checks his watch not so discretely, he crosses and re-crosses his legs while stifling yawns, he checks his watch pointedly...

Asked about the crackdown on dissidents, Tibetans and, well, everyone leading up to the Olympics, Bush said, “They’re hypersensitive to a potential terrorist attack,” adopting the Chinese regime’s position that anyone who disagrees with it is a potential terrorist.

But there are bright signs: “The Internet provides interesting opportunities for people to express themselves. Sometimes it’s open, sometimes the filters are there.” Schmuck, that just applies to the internet access provided to foreign reporters covering the Olympics. For everyone else, it’s never open, the filters are always there.

I must be in a slump, I can’t even think of a title for this post

Sorry, had nothing to say all weekend. At least I didn’t write a post about how Obama is just like Heathcliff, or Martin Chuzzlewit, or something.

I have spent some time trying to decide, if Obama is “The One,” does that make McCain “The Two” (or possibly “Number Two” or “Twosies”) or “The Zero”? When you have a blog, this is the sort of decision you have to make every single day.

CAPTION CONTEST: Sunday, Cindy McCain with Jack Bauer at a NASCAR event.


Another messenger from God is heard from (why do messengers from God always seem to carry firearms?)

Speaking of messengers from God:

The root of all evil, if you know what I mean

Headline of the Day, attached to a letter to the NYT by someone in the Coalition Against Trafficking in Women: “Stop Prostitution at Its Root.”

Caption contest, McCain today at the National Urban League conference:

It’s all part of making sure that our foreign policy is active

In advance of his last presidential visit to Asia, Bush was interviewed back to back yesterday by miscellaneous Asian print media, by Korean tv, Thai tv, and by one...wait for it... Fuqing Yang of Chinese state-run tv.

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE FOOD WITH HIM: “I’ll see the Prime Minister of Thailand for a nice dinner.”

He’ll also be making a speech in Thailand in his capacity as Reminder-in-Chief: “I will also remind people that I will be sprinting to the finish, that I will finish this job strong.”

WHY GEORGE WON’T ATTEMPT TO GO STRAIGHT: “Part of the reason that I’m stopping in South Korea prior to going to the Olympics -- I mean, one could have attempted just to go straight to the Olympics, but I want to come to South Korea -- I had just come from Japan, and it’s all part of making sure that our foreign policy is active.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “There’s plenty of room for countries to work with -- the three countries you mentioned with other countries in the region in a constructive way. In other words, I don’t view the diplomacy as zero sum, it’s got to be either this country or that country.”

NATIONS ARE SAYING WAIT A MINUTE: “ASEAN is a place where the United States can remain -- should remain actively engaged with nations who are saying -- say, wait a minute, we’re your friends, as well. Don’t just focus on the big guys, think about us.”

VERY: “It’s very important for the President to be very consistent.”

BUT THERE’D STILL BE CAKE: “The fact that both countries [the US and China] are honoring the 30th anniversary of the relationship shows that -- it’s a statement about good relations. If we had bad relations we wouldn’t be honoring the 30th. It would be, okay, here comes the 30th anniversary, who cares?”

Both countries are opening new embassies in each other’s capitals. Bush doesn’t know the name of the architect of the American embassy but does know the name of the architect of the Chinese embassy... I.M. Pei.

GETTING INVOLVED: “I know it’s important for our generals and admirals to deal with their counterparts. And I believe, more importantly, or as importantly, we ought to be getting younger Chinese officers involved with younger U.S. officers. Why? To create a feeling of trust.”

AND AN ALMOST FANATICAL DEVOTION TO THE POPE: “An American President has got to know two things: one, the nature of the person he’s dealing with, and the nature of the government he’s dealing with, and the pressures that government feels.”

AND THE EASTER BUNNY: “As you know, I’m a believer in human dignity and human rights.”

SPEAKING OF WORDS NOT OFTEN ASSOCIATED WITH GEORGE BUSH: “And if we do we’ll be gracious in victory, and if we don’t we’ll be humble in defeat.”

ONE OF GEORGE’S CONCERNS: “See, one of my concerns is that we -- that America gets so comfortable they say, who cares; what does it matter whether or not somebody has got HIV/AIDS?”

IN OTHER WORDS: “One thing that interests me is to watch China’s leaders deal with the benefits and challenges of a marketplace. In other words, this is a country that has got a lot of mouths to feed and a lot of people to employ.”

THAT POOR, POOR INTERPRETER: “And yet, I can report to you that we [he and Hu Jintao] do have cordial, relaxed conversations -- in spite of the fact that we both have interpreters. It’s much easier when you are dealing with a person that speaks your own language. Since the only one I speak is English, it’s important to have English speakers. But here is a man who I have had some -- I feel comfortable talking about his family, and he asks about mine. And that may sound trite to you, but nevertheless it’s a part of getting comfortable with each other.” You’ll have noticed he’s forgotten that he’s supposed to know Spanish.

WHAT AMAZES GEORGE: “You know the thing that amazes me? The South Korean women golfers.”

ON NORTH KOREA, GEORGE UTTERS A ZEN KOAN: “There’s a lot of people in this country saying, why are you going forward when you can’t trust them? And my answer is, why don’t we go forward with a process that will enable us to trust them?”

WHAT GEORGE FINDS INTERESTING ABOUT HIMSELF: “It’s interesting that I’m giving a speech about the whole Far East in Thailand.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “Well, because it’s -- first of all, the assumption is that when you give a comprehensive speech in the Far East, it would be in, you know, China or Japan or, you know -- and Thailand is, one, a long-time friend; two, is an important part of ASEAN. In other words, there’s -- the Far East is more than just the countries that dominate the news.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “And so, therefore, if you’re going to give a comprehensive speech, you give it in a country that makes it -- just by the sight alone indicates how comprehensive the policy must be. In other words, you can’t ignore other countries if you focus only on a few.”

WHAT THE THAI PEOPLE WERE AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN: “The Thai -- the Thai people were just fabulous, and always have been.”

ASKED WHAT HE WOULD DO AFTER JANUARY: “Hopefully I will contribute to mankind in positive ways.” Maybe as an organ donor.

THE SPORTSMAN COMETH: “And I’m coming as the president of a friend, and I’m coming as a sportsman.”

BUT MOST OF ALL, HE’S COMING FOR THE FREE GRUB: “I’m going to have a dinner with President Hu Jintao, who I like.”

He reminisced about visiting China in 1975: “People -- I can remember going to a department store, and nobody had seen a Westerner. And they were amazed when I would go. And I would go with my mother and my sister. And they were amazed. It was like we were, like, from a different planet.”

Yes, very like that. Very like that indeed.

We ought to be utilizing wind

McCain’s latest ad, on health care, says he offers “bold new solutions, not tired old politics.” Should The Two really be using the phrase “tired old”?

Today Bush addressed the annual meeting of the West Virginia Coal Association because “No better group of people to talk about energy with than people who actually take risk to find energy.” He was referring to people who risked capital, not black lung disease.


THE ENERGY: “I want to talk about the energy today.”

WHAT WE GOT TO DO: “we got to work to have a comprehensive plan”. I don’t speak Broken English, but isn’t the correct grammar “we got to work to got a comprehensive plan”?

HE’S THE REMINDERER: “And part of that sprint to the finish will be to continue to remind the American people that we need to be realistic and have common sense about today’s energy needs and tomorrow’s energy needs.”

HE’S THE REMINDERER: “I might remind you that in the beginning of my presidency there were some challenging times.”

HE’S THE REMINDERER: “Now, it’s not as good as we’d like it to be, but I want to remind you a few months ago there were predictions that the economy would shrink this quarter, not grow.”

OF COURSE ANYTHING MORE THAN ALL HIS FINGERS AND TOES SOUNDS LIKE A LOT TO HIM: “We use about 1.1 billion tons of coal a year. That sounds like a lot to me.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “Today my administration announced $36 million for new carbon capture projects. In other words, it’s more than just research.”

WHAT 250 YEARS OF RESERVES SHOULD SAY: “Two hundred and fifty years is -- of reserves should say, gosh, we’re in good shape; we got energy available right here in the United States of America.”

WHAT WE OUGHT TO BE UTILIZING: “We ought to be utilizing wind.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “The problem is, is that there’s a provision inserted into law that blocks oil shale leasing on federal lands. In other words, the federal lands that contain the oil shale, you can’t lease them.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “You can have a drilling site that protects the flora and the fauna, and explore in ways to get -- to be -- doesn’t deplete your reservoir unnecessarily. In other words, we get oil and gas to the pipeline.”

INTERESTING BUT SAD (BUT NOT ACTUALLY A STATISTIC): “One of the real problems we have is that we haven’t built a refinery in the United States in 30 years. Isn’t that an interesting statistic? It’s kind of a sad statistic”

WHAT WE’RE IN: “We’re in a interesting period of time.”

HE’S THE REMINDERER: “I sometimes remind people that we have to buy oil from places where people don’t particularly like us.”

I TRY NOT TO PRY INTO MY CAR’S SEX LIFE: “I don’t know if you pay attention to whether your car is flex-fuel or not, but that means you can either regular gasoline or ethanol.”

ER, RIGHT: “And I’m not sure how long it’s going to take, but don’t be surprised if technological breakthroughs don’t enable you to become gasoline producers.”

DICK CHENEY IS FUELED BY EATING BOTH (HE CALLS IT FLEX-FUEL): “I talk a lot about our energy resources, but the best resource in America is the brain power and the optimism of the American people.”

WHAT GEORGE LOVES: “We’re a fabulous country. You know, I have seen America at its very best in seven and a half years. I marvel at the entrepreneurial spirit in our country. I love the fact that people go from nothing to something. Our small business owners are great people. I love the fact that we’ve got people who understand the dangers we face, understand we’re facing ideological people that use murder to achieve their objectives, and want to hurt us again here at home.” I love the fact that whenever Bush forgets what he was talking about, he starts jibbering on about The War Against Terror (TWAT).

Saying we are a compassionate nation, loud and clear

Today Bush held a ceremony to sign the vaingloriously named Tom Lantos and Henry J. Hyde United States Global Leadership Against HIV/AIDS, Tuberculosis and Malaria Reauthorization Act of 2008.

WHAT THIS BILL EMBODIES AND WHAT THIS BILL SAYS LOUD AND CLEAR: “This bill embodies the extraordinary compassion of the American people. We are a compassionate nation. And that’s what this bill says loud and clear.”

BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE “COMPASSIONATE” DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN’T BE A COMPLETE DICK TO EVERYONE AROUND YOU: “And the bald-headed guy on the end -- (laughter) -- not you, Biden, but -- (laughter) -- Rear Admiral Tim Ziemer, who is the U.S. Malaria Coordinator. Thank you for coming.”

LIVING POSITIVELY: “As more people get treatment, we will show the world that it is possible for people to live positively with HIV while making important contributions to their communities.”

GEORGE SAYS HI: “I want to speak directly to those around the world who have, or think they may have, HIV: A positive diagnosis does not have to be a reason for shame. So don’t let shame keep you from getting tested or treated. Your life is treasured by the people who love you. It is precious in the eyes of God. It matters to the people of the United States.” Which is why we ask you about it on your immigration or visa forms and exclude you if you have it (today’s bill didn’t quite lift the ban, which Health & Human Services has to sign off on).

There are no interesting pictures from this event, so I’ll give you three from yesterday of Bush leaning towards various people.

You’re making the choices about whether you want to drive a little extra more or not drive extra more

Today Bush visited the Lincoln Electric Company in Ohio, where he said, “I’m proud to be here with ‘the welding experts.’”

“One of the issues that in a time of economic uncertainty -- and these are uncertain times, no question about it.” So there’s no question about uncertainty. Of that he is certain.

“They’re uncertain because you’re paying high prices at the gas pump. They’re uncertain because you’re reading the newspapers about the housing issue. They’re uncertain times.” So stop reading the damned newspapers, America! Bush never reads the newspapers and he’s never uncertain.

WHAT WE OUGHT TO BE DOING DURING UNCERTAIN TIMES: “And during uncertain times, we ought to be playing to our strengths, and implementing good common-sense policy.” Because when you think of George Bush’s strengths, you think fart jokes implementing good common-sense policy.

IN OTHER WORDS: “On the other hand, products going into Colombia from the United States face a duty, a tariff, a tax....” Someone may have given George a thesaurus. “... In other words, the products made in the United States going into that market cost more because of taxes imposed by the Colombian government.”

GEORGE TALKED TO THE VOICES IN HIS HEAD ABOUT HIS MAGIC WAND: “Somebody said, what are you going to do about gasoline prices? I said, if I had the magic wand, I’d wave it.”

Pointing at his magic wand, which he is waving.

A LITTLE EXTRA MORE: “What’s interesting, however, is that people are plenty wise about how to conserve. You’re making the choices about whether you want to drive a little extra more or not drive extra more. It’s the collective wisdom, again, of the American people that really do set the best conservation measures.” Oh hidden hand of the free market, what is there that you can’t solve?

WHAT YOU GOT TO UNDERSTAND: “So when you hear ‘my gasoline prices are going up,’ you got to understand the main reason why is because oil prices are going up.”

WHAT WE GOT: “We got an energy problem here.”

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE WELDING: “I am confident nuclear power is safe, because I understand that the products that go into a nuclear power plant are made by some of the finest welders in the United States of America.”

WHAT WE’RE HEADING INTO: “And therefore we’re spending a lot of your money -- I think it’s well spent -- to find cellulosic ethanol possibilities. That means wood -- that’s a fancy word for wood chips or switch grasses -- all aiming -- my point to you is, is that we’re heading into a new era.”


YUP, HE’S DEFINITELY GOT HIS HANDS ON A THESAURUS. “But I’m here to talk about the meantime, the interim, the right now.”

At the end he asked for questions and there weren’t any, dammit, even though he threatened, “If you don’t have any questions, I can tell you a lot of interesting stories.” So he told that stupid story about seeing a rainbow in Bucharest that one time six years ago: “the rainbow ended exactly behind the balcony where the tyrant had given his last speech. Now you can look at that any way you want to look at it. I’ll tell you how I looked at it. I looked at it as a sign that freedom is beautiful. That freedom brings peace. That freedom is not ours alone. That freedom is universal. Or maybe it’s just light refracting off some water droplets in the air, creating an optical illusion. Or, you know, that freedom-is-universal thing, whatever.” I may have made up the last two sentences.

DON’T TELL HIM THAT THE REST OF US CAN SEE RAINBOWS TOO: “So I saw that rainbow, and I said I’m the fortunate -- most fortunate man to be the president of this fabulous country.”

Wherein a fitting lunch is eaten

Today Bush met Pakistani Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani.

THE MOST DEMOCRATIC MEAL OF THE DAY: “We’ve had a good meeting in the Oval Office. And then I’m going to have lunch with the Prime Minister here in the main White House. And that’s fitting. After all, Pakistan is a strong ally and a vibrant democracy.” No, I’m still not seeing what that has to do with lunch.


VERY: “And of course, we talked about the common threat we face: extremists who are very dangerous people.” Sometimes they even have (gasp) brunch.

What idea do you have?

In a long profile of Secretary Treasury Hank Paulson in the NYT business section, Paulson asks plaintively, “When I talk to people, there are a whole lot of them that say: ‘I don’t like this,’ ‘I don’t like that,’ ‘I don’t like the other thing.’ I say: ‘Neither do I. What idea do you have? What do you think we should do?’”

The article is illustrated by another NYT entry in my series, Everything You Need to Know About the Economy You Can Tell By the Expression on Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s Face.

Name of the Day

I started reading the open letter by Matt Browner Hamlin of the Mark Begich senatorial campaign (Alaska) to Ted Stevens’s campaign manager, but I couldn’t get past “Dear Mr. Tibbles” without giggling shamelessly.

Possibly the Stevens campaign is run by a Siamese cat owned by a little old lady.

It would explain a lot.

The hardest, um, word

Headline of the Day, from the Indy: “Sorry, Says Dominatrix Who Betrayed Mosley.” Do you know how you can tell someone is a crap dominatrix? She says, “Sorry.” Max Mosley, by the way, has won his libel case against the News of the World, and gotten legal costs plus £60,000 for pain and suffering. Which is no doubt what he’ll spend it on.