If they want to do that, hook it up

The NYT has an article on how “Newt Gingrich has set his sights not on the presidency, but on the restoration of God to a central place in American government and culture.” And when he says God, he of course means Newt Gingrich. Newton is forming a committee called American Solutions for Winning the Future (or ass-woof for short).

As I write, Newtie is supposed to have a program on God and politics on Fox, but is being preempted by some sort of rescue operation on Mt Hood. Maybe there is a God.

Harry Reid says he’ll “go along with” a “surge” increase in troops in Iraq and “give the military anything they want.” Leadership, ladies and gentlemen, leadership.

From News of the Weird, quoting the Washington Blade, the feds have been going after assets that Enron executives put in the names of their spouses, all except for one guy, who plead guilty to illegally obtaining $16.5m but put assets in the name of his same-sex partner.

Guantanamo hunger-strike update: 3 hunger strikers still being force-fed. Guard commander Col. Wade Dennis says of them, “If they want to do that, hook it up.”

Today’s must-read: the NYT on the Iraqi legal system, which is not legal or a system or wholly Iraqi, and it’s worse than you think.

Of magic bullets, bush blessings, the appropriate response to a hand grenade, karaoke and coups

Unfortunate metaphor of the week, from the director of HIV/AIDS for the World Health Organization, Dr. Kevin De Cock (whose name is also unfortunate; I mean, really... “Kevin”), who says that circumcision can reduce the risk of HIV infection but is “not a magic bullet”.

Unfortunate headline of the week, regarding Mary Cheney’s pregnancy: “Lesbian Mother Gets Bush Blessing” (The Sunday Telegraph, which also translated Chimpy’s original quote, “Mary Cheney is going to make a fine mom” for the benefit of its down-market English readers: “Mary Cheney is going to make a fine mum”. The story ends with this fine sentence: “The manner of Miss Cheney’s impregnation and the father’s identity have not been revealed.”).

The US Army has produced a new manual on counter-insurgency (those who can’t do, write manuals), which I haven’t seen yet but which seems to be an etiquette guide, preparing military personnel “to be greeted with a hand grenade or a handshake, and to respond appropriately to each”. Something about not using the left hand, I’m guessing.

The British Education Ministry reports that millions of British adults cannot read well enough to keep up with karaoke machines. They seem to think this is a bad thing. “New York, New York” evidently requires the reading skills of an 11-year old (plus 11 glasses of warm beer).

Palestinian President Abbas has announced that there will be new elections. In case you’re wondering, no, he does not have the power to do this. Hamas is now in the position of either boycotting illegitimate elections, or standing in them and accepting the illegitimate results. Or going to option 3, civil war. I’m not sure why Abbas thinks he’ll win either the elections (yes I am: he plans to rig them) or a civil war, even with all the American arms that have been arriving for his “presidential guard.”

The WaPo Style Invitational is especially good this week, bad ideas for toys.

A teapot museum here, a teapot museum there, and pretty soon it adds up to real money

In his weekly radio address, Bush claimed that the economy was in great shape. For example, retail sales were up in November! Just like every November since the invention of Christmas! Also, “another bit of holiday cheer”: real hourly wages rose by an entire, whopping 2.3% this year. “That may not sound like a lot,” he said, and then tried unsuccessfully to make it sound like a lot.

Then he talked about earmarks. He’s against them. The typical earmark, in his presentation, is “a swimming pool or a teapot museum.” Yes, it was the $400,000 for the Sparta Teapot Museum (“Steeped in Surprises”) that broke the budget, just when Bush was preparing to ask for another $100 billion supplemental appropriation for the war (or 250,000 teapot museums). Now let’s see, what would be a good visual metaphor for what that $100 billion will be spent on...

Rummy goes bye bye

It’s been confirmed by the medical examiner that Florida botched an execution this week, essentially having to execute the guy twice. The first time, the needle was stuck not into the vein, but all the way through it, so that the chemicals went into his flesh, burning it. Jeb Bush suspends executions until March. Elsewhere, a federal district judge continues a suspension of executions in California, saying that its lethal injection regimen is so painful that it amounts to cruel and unusual punishment. In the last 3 executions here, the prisoner may have been conscious (but paralyzed) when the hot shot went in.

On his way out as secretary of war, Donald Rumsfeld went on Fox, took some pot shots at the UN, Kofi Annan, at Old Europe, which he decried for spending less than 2% of their GDP on the military, which he blamed on their aging populations and the fact that “They have large numbers of Muslims in their population”. He said for I believe the third time this week that Bush is the “victim of his success,” because 9/11 “caused our country to recognize there was a problem, a threat; that we were vulnerable, that we as free people, by our very way of life, put ourselves at risk, and our openness. And the farther we get away from September 11th, the less concern there is about that threat.” I’m suddenly reminded of Bob Dole in 1996, repeatedly asking “Where’s the outrage?” Bushies keep asking where’s the mindless fear they used to such advantage. Asked his greatest regret, he said, “Oh, goodness. I guess that one would have hoped that the -- Iraq and Afghanistan conflicts would have been concluded more rapidly.” He “guesses” that one would have hoped that. Guesses. And on Abu Ghraib, he again blamed the “midnight shift,” who ignored his clear instructions to treat prisoners humanely, “And it just was -- you know, look at what happens in the United States in any given day and any given night in any given city -- some very bad things happen.” Naked human pyramids? Only if the given city is San Francisco. “Human beings are not perfect. ... And that’s not what our country does.” Really? Because I’ve seen the pictures.

And then it was party time! Or at least a “full honor review,” whatever one of those might be. Bush said of Rummy, “We’ve been through war together.” Sure you have. Said, “He took ballistic missile defense from theory to reality.” Did you know we can shoot ICBMs down now? When did that happen? And Bush gave him his highest accolade: “It was easy to understand him.” There we agree. It was easy to understand Rumsfeld. He was a douchebag.

They will do it anyway

Condi Rice tells the WaPo that there is no need to talk to Iran and Syria about helping stabilize Iraq: “If they have an interest in a stable Iraq, they will do it anyway.” Two things wrong with that which you wouldn’t think would need to be explained to the nation’s top diplomat: 1) they aren’t doing it anyway, 2) the purpose of diplomacy is not, generally speaking, to persuade nations to do what they already want to do anyway.

Bush debates imaginary people (still loses)

The Israelis held up Palestinian Prime Minister Ismail Haniyev (Hamas) for several hours at the Egypt-Palestine border, ostensibly because he was carrying $35 million (they’d closed the entire border in order to prevent the money coming into Gaza, which they are trying to strangle to death), but possibly, or at least foreseeably, also because the delay would give Fatah gunmen time to arrange an assassination attempt. Which they did, though they succeeded only in killing his bodyguard.

And the Israeli Supreme Court unanimously ruled that assassination is legal.

Yesterday I quoted Bush saying, “I’ve heard some ideas that would lead to defeat, and I reject those ideas -- ideas such as leaving before the job is done; ideas such as not helping this government take the necessary and hard steps to be able to do its job.” Linguist Geoffrey Pullum comments that it’s rather unlikely anyone ever told Bush, “Mr President, I think leaving before the job is done would be the best course,” so that what Bush is doing, putting “claims in imaginary people’s mouths before rebutting them... is not just a figure of speech. It’s lying.”

Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo “Honest” Abe admits that he rigged “town hall” meetings. He will forfeit his pay for three months.

Chimpy and Yayi

If circumcision cuts the risk of HIV infection in half, wouldn’t castration be just that much more effective?

Today Bush met with Benin’s president, Boni Yayi, who has such a fun name he should be a coup leader in Fiji.


As was the case yesterday, Bush seems to have difficulty distinguishing countries from human beings: “And, Mr. President, I’m proud to announce today that you’re one of the countries that we’ll be concentrating our help upon.”



Then they both attended a “White House Summit on Malaria,” which Bush said “sounded like a festive occasion.” Ha ha. Let’s send him to Africa with a fly-swatter and a couple of cans of Raid to take care of the problem personally.


That’s Isaiah Washington, who is black and plays a doctor on television, which to the Bushes makes him an expert on tropical medicine, plus he gets to make out with Sandra Oh, so there’s that.

But one thing people got to understand is we’ll be headed toward achieving our objectives

Bush met today with military people about Iraq (I believe this was his last such meeting, and I would bet that Cheney made sure he heard from Rumsfeld, the alliterate Peter Pace, and the Joint Chiefs last, since Bush does tend to agree with whoever talked to him last). Bush said afterwards, “I thank these men who wear our uniform for a very candid and fruitful discussion about the -- about how to secure this country, and how to win a war that we now find ourselves in.” Find ourselves in? Have we been sleep-invading again? Or did we just take a wrong turn at Albuquerque?

What did they talk about? Why, “We spent a lot of time talking about a new way forward in Iraq”. Sick of that phrase yet?


He says that in the last quarter of 2006 we have captured or killed 5,900 of the enemy. Funny, I thought they didn’t do body counts.

Addressing the troops, he reassured them that he is “focused on developing a strategy that will help them achieve their mission.” That’s what happens when you sleep-invade, you always forget something. Bullets, check, Humvees, check, strategy... d’oh! Still, we’ve done so well without a strategy so far that there’s really no hurry: “I’m not going to be rushed into making a difficult decision, a necessary decision, to say to our troops, we’re going to give you the tools necessary to succeed and a strategy to help you succeed.” In fact, he says about the postponing until January of his speech to the American people on the subject, “actually, I was quite flexible about when I was going to give my speech, to begin with”. See, whoever said Bush isn’t flexible? “And at the appropriate time, I will stand up in front of the nation and say here’s where we’re headed. But one thing people got to understand is we’ll be headed toward achieving our objectives.”


Asked if he’s heard any new ideas that might make him, god forbid, change his “thinking” (that’s a reporter’s over-generous terminology, not mine), he said he’d heard some interesting ideas, but won’t tell us what they are, and “I’ve heard some ideas that would lead to defeat, and I reject those ideas -- ideas such as leaving before the job is done”. And “I want to make sure I hear from as many of those ideas and opinions as possible. Today I heard from some opinions that matter a lot to me... And I am proud to have listened to their points of view.”

What do these men have to smile about?

I’m smiling because I am so fucking, I mean, golly gracious, out of here!

In his last days in the White House, Richard Nixon talked to the portraits of former presidents. Bush wouldn’t do that of course, because he’s never heard of any of them, although “George Herbert Walker Bush” sounds a little familiar to him, but he talks to families who die, and now ideas and opinions “speak” to him. Anything else? “And we spend a lot of time in our government talking to people like Saudi Arabia, or Egypt, or Jordan, or Turkey”.

He’s also been speaking with a lot of Iraqis whose names he didn’t quite catch: “today on the telephone I spoke to the two Kurdish leaders... I met with the major Sunni leader yesterday”. Think when he talked to those Kurdish leaders, he called them “Kurdish Guy One” and “Kurdish Guy Two”? Really, there are, what 25 million Iraqis? You can’t expect him to know more than one of their names. And that one lucky guy is Prime Minister Maliki: “In my conversations with him, I have said, are you going to promote a unity government, or will you be so divisive in your approach that you can’t achieve the objectives that the Iraqi people expect you to achieve? How do I know they expect to achieve? They voted; 12 million of them actually went to the polls and expressed their opinions.” He doesn’t actually say what Maliki’s answer was. And does the White House have a special translator who can render Broken English into Arabic? What is the Arabic for “How do I know they expect to achieve”?

Not surprisingly, if he can’t keep people’s names straight, how can he keep countries separate, which is why he said that it’s in the interests of Gulf Coast that there be a stable Iran, “an Iran that is capable of rejecting Iranian influence.”

Bush said if we fail in Iraq, “It would certainly make it more likely that moderate people around the Middle East would wonder about the United States’ will. Moderate people -- moderate governments in the Middle East would be making irrational decisions about their future.” I don’t know what that means, but neither does he, so that’s okay then. I wouldn’t care to attempt to diagram his last sentence, either: “And as I deliberate the way forward, I keep in mind that we’ve got brave souls that need -- to need to know that we’re in this fight with a strategy to help them achieve the objectives that we’ve got.” Do they really need to know that? Really?

Nobody sang Kumbaya

The Bush admin is fighting the court decision that it must make different denominations of paper money detectable by feel, saying that blind people can just use credit cards, or portable reading devices (which cost $350, or at least this one does). Or possibly they can have their butlers tell them what each bill is – doesn’t everyone have butlers?

Outgoing ambassador to the UN and wielder of the Mustache of Death, John Bolton, when asked if he had made peace with equally outgoing UN SecGen Kofi Annan, replied, “Nobody sang ‘Kumbaya.’” Told of this, Annan wondered, “But does he know how to sing it?”

In an interview with Laura Ingraham, couldn’t-be-outgoing-fast-enough-for-my-taste Secretary of War Rumsfeld said that the exact right number of troops was sent to Iraq. He also displayed his historical grasp of counter-insurgency campaigns: “And you think of the insurgency in -- in -- oh, Algeria, for example, I’m trying to remember, I think it was 10 or 12 years long. And that’s the nature of it. And it was the Algerian people, ultimately, that put it down and that will be the case here.” Actually, I just realized that he may not have been referring to the Algerian War (which France lost), but to the 1990s when the military cancelled elections after the Islamic Salvation Front won the first round, and put down their subsequent rebellion with a Pinochet-esque brutality. Either way, not really a role model.

The US and Russia, which were supposed to have destroyed their chemical weapons stockpiles next year, have been granted another 5 years (and India and Libya until 2009 and 2010 respectively) from the oversight organization. I feel safer already.

Bush meets some guy

Today George Bush met Vice President, um, Thingamabob of Iraq: “It’s been my honor to meet with the Vice President of Iraq again. I had the pleasure of meeting the Vice President in Baghdad. ... The Vice President suffered unspeakable violence in his family. ... And Mr. Vice President, I respect your courage and I respect your advice. ... I spent time with the Vice President today talking about the conditions in Iraq... And my heart goes out to those, Mr. Vice President, who have suffered at the hands of extremists and killers. ... And so Mr. Vice President, my message to you today, and to the Iraqi people is, we want to help you...” Whoever you are.


“And I thank you for being a leader of one aspect of Iraqi society -- you’re the leader of many Sunnis and you’re committed to a government that is Shia, Sunni, Kurdish and everybody else in your country, every other group in your country that will help us yield peace.”

Oh, my goodness, the terrorists are winning and everyone else is losing

Rumsfeld was interviewed by Sean Hannity, the only, um, journalist allowed to accompany him on his surprise visit to Iraq. He explained the unpopularity of Bush’s policies: “And this president is almost a victim of the success he has had in preventing another attack in our country, because people have allowed the nature of the threat to diminish in their minds. And I think that we ought not to.” Poor Bush, a victim of his own success.

Says that we shouldn’t judge Iraq based on how many people get killed: “Today, the president’s being measured on the amount of violence in Iraq, and basically in Baghdad. It’s three or four provinces out of 18 in one country. That is not the measure; that is the wrong measure. If that were to be the only metric or measure of success or failure, my goodness, then you’ve given the game to the enemy. All they have to do is keep violence up in Baghdad, and the media that’s there will say, ‘Oh, my goodness, the terrorists are winning and everyone else is losing.’ That’s not it. But, regrettably, there are not good metrics to determine how it’s actually going on, what’s happening.” So, um, I’m pretty sure that means we’re winning, and pay no attention to the suicide bomb attack in Baghdad that killed 70 people this morning, because that is not the measure, that is the wrong measure and if we pay attention to the 70 dead (and 230+ wounded), “for some I could only find their heads,” my goodness you’ve given the game to the enemy.

Oh, and he says he “skimmed” the IGS report.

On the other hand, a blind guy, a rifle, an alligator, and half an ounce of marijuana, that’s a party!

Texas state legislator Edmund Kuempel is sponsoring a bill to let blind people hunt. Said Huempel, “This opens up the fun of hunting to additional people, and I think that’s great.” I supported this right up until I read that they’d have to have someone sighted with them, because I figured it would open up the fun of being hunted to hunters in the vicinity, and I think that’s great.

Speaking of dangerous combinations, a man whose car was stopped at a checkpoint in Arizona was found to have a 4-foot alligator in a suitcase and a quantity of marijuana.

Focus

Bush spent some of the morning being briefed by the State Department about Iraq for a full 90 minutes, which as we know is his limit. Then he talked to the press (didn’t take any questions, in case they quizzed him about what he’d learned in class today or what the difference between Sunnis and Shiites is), made sure to use the phrase “new way forward.”


He said, “Like most Americans, this administration wants to succeed in Iraq”. Ignoring the question of what most Americans really want, it’s funny that things have gone so badly that every time he speaks he has to say that he does really actually want to succeed.


He says that in Iraq’s “neighborhood” – and what is his allergy to the word “region”? did it not focus-group well, or is this a personal thing? – “[w]e believe that most of the countries understand that a mainstream society, a society that is a functioning democracy, is in their interests.” When exactly have countries in the Middle East demonstrated this attachment to democracy? “And it’s up to us to help focus their attentions and focus their efforts on helping the Iraqis succeed.” So the problem is their “focus,” Mister Easily Distracted By Shiny Objects?


Bush is aiming at announcing the, um, new way forward before Christmas. All things considered, I’d rather just get socks.

Wherein Rumsfeld breaks Taliban rule #9

I say Pinochet’s faking it again. Put him on trial anyway.

Sort of a Peter-Sellers-by-way-of-Mussolini look
Rumsfeld did not meet with any Iraqis on his visit to Iraq. According to his press secretary, “It was not a public trip whatsoever.” So I’m sure he paid his own expenses.

The Taliban has issued a set of rules for its members. #9: do not use jihad equipment for personal ends. Rule #18: no smoking. Rule #19: no fucking young boys. Also: all schools must be burned, but the religious books should be removed first. And beheadings should take place after the trial.

All spit

Karzai has fired the governor of Helmand province, and while there’s nothing at all in the American papers, the British ones are abuzz, since that’s where British troops operate and the Brits had recommended the guy, Mohammed Daud, as the man to clean up the province’s corruption and poppy cultivation, and he had made a good start. The Sunday Times thinks he was fired at the behest of drug lords, the Sindy says it was the Americans because Daud was coming to local truces with the Taliban, but neither have much evidence (nor an ability to read Karzai’s mind). Still, this is a significant story for what it tells us about the real balance of power in Afghanistan; it would be nice to know more. It would also be nice if the American press paid some attention to Afghanistan from time to time.

The Pentagon website says of Rumsfeld’s trip to Iraq that American soldiers treated him “like a rock star.” Possibly because Iraq looks like a hotel room that The Who stayed in, possibly because they’re hoping he’ll suffocate on his own vomit... Rummy went to Iraq to “thank servicemembers for their dedication, sacrifices and patriotism.” Although if he’d asked them, they probably would have said, no don’t bother making that long trip, we’d be perfectly happy to come to where you are, really it would be no trouble at all.

In an article about John Ashcroft I encountered a phrase I hadn’t heard before: “He’s all spit and no sidewalk.” Use it today.

Rumsfeld: by golly, it’s important

Well, the transcript of Rummy’s last “town hall” meeting is out now, although I stand by yesterday’s preliminary reaction: “oh just fuck off already.”

What struck me is how often he disparaged the press during it. For someone who’s supposed to be this blunt guy who doesn’t care what people think about him, he seems awfully thin-skinned. Examples:
-“we’ve not always seen eye to eye, I haven’t, with the press, but I still hold out hope that over time, they’ll get it close to right”
-“[Soldiers] stood guard in Guantanamo over some of the world’s most dangerous terrorists, while suffering grossly uninformed and irresponsible charges in the media from almost every quarter”
-Asked how he wants history to remember him: “My goodness. Better than the local press.”

And he described the program of bribing Iraqi newspapers as “trying to reduce the number of people getting killed over there by asking people to print the truth, and paying them to do that.”

Also, asked what was his worst day in the job, he said, “the worst day was Abu Ghraib and seeing that -- what went on there and feeling so deeply sorry that that happened.” Abu Ghraib wasn’t a day, it was long months and years of abuse and torture; by day, he means the day it came into the light; that’s what he’s deeply sorry about. Even then, he insists that Abu Ghraib “demonstrated to the world how our democracy deals openly and decisively with such egregious wrongdoing. And yes, I remember the irresponsible comments by some who tried to sully the image of the courageous and dedicated men and women in uniform who keep the American people safe.”

Rumsfeld, as we know, was never been able to comment on anything critical of him that appears in the press or in books because he hadn’t read it yet (examples here and here), and guess what, he hasn’t read all of the Baker Commission report either. But one gets the sense that he’s not terribly impressed: “And there are some people who say, ‘Well, you should do this or that or the other thing,’ and I can tell you I can’t think of a thing that anyone thought of that General Pace and General Abizaid and those folks have not been working on and analyzing and studying and adjusting to over time.” In fact, he’s not terribly impressed with anyone advising Bush on Iraq whose name is not Donald Henry Rumsfeld: “He’s been meeting with outside academics and people, so-called experts”.

So if he doesn’t read reports, newspapers, or the ISG report, what does he read? History books, he says, by which he means what your average chain bookstore means by “history books”: books about wars. The Revolutionary War, World War II, and he tried to read about the Civil War, but found it too upsetting because the people killed in it were all Americans. Yes, he really said that, the man who wants us to respond to deaths in Afghanistan and Iraq with “patience” and “staying power.”

By the way, the lesson he gleaned from reading about World War II is that we shouldn’t count the Iraq war as having lasted longer than American involvement in World War II, because that’s “totally ignoring the period after World War II, where the German government didn’t even have a government I don’t think until 1949”. 1949 was when everyone gave up on re-unifying Germany and officially formed two separate states.

His final words – and you just know one of those final words was golly – two of them, in fact – on our military adventures: “But by golly, it -- something important isn’t easy, and this isn’t easy. And by golly, it’s important, and we’d better do it right.”

Jackass. Dick. Motherless motherfuck.

(Update: and then he went to Iraq for a, um, victory lap. Can you do a quagmire lap?)

Well, if anyone knows about terrible mistakes...

If I had to watch all the Bush press conferences I blog about, I’d have drowned in my own stomach acids long ago. But if you think you can’t despise Bush more than you already do, you should look at the video of yesterday’s presser with Blair, I can’t find it as a clip but at 22 minutes in, he’s asked to prove he wasn’t still in denial about Iraq, and he snaps, “It’s bad in Iraq,” then does this sharp nod, says, “Does that help?” and then the “Heh heh heh” thing. It was bad enough in the transcript, but seeing it... could not be more loathsome.
(Update: thanks to alert reader sam_m for a link to that clip.)

Well, not without swastikas and chants of “Sieg Heil,” such as were seen at a meeting of a Polish political party, part of the governing coalition, the League of Polish Families. Swastikas in Poland!

No swastikas at Rumsfeld’s very last Pentagon “town hall meeting” today, although he did flash some sort of gang sign.


He said withdrawing troops from Afghanistan and/or Iraq would be a “terrible mistake” and bitched about American impatience and... oh just fuck off already.

There’s a funny typo in the Pentagon website article about the event: “Rumsfeld acknowledged the Iraqis who ‘through it all, believe their future is bright,’ and who ‘are working to forget something they have never had before: a free (and) representative country.’” Took me a minute to realize that must have been “forge” rather than “forget.”

Respecting people’s private spheres

The editor-in-chief of Playboy Indonesia (which started publishing earlier this year) is on trial for publishing pictures of women in underwear and, the prosecutor was at pains to point out, “inviting expressions on their faces.”

Thomas Hardy infected his wife with syphilis. College lit professors sigh at the thought of that tidbit showing up in every paper on Hardy they have to read for the rest of their lives.

The German vice-president of the European Commission, Günter Verheugen, 62 and married, was spotted and photographed, naked (except for a baseball cap, possibly worn on his head, the papers don’t say) on a Lithuanian nudist beach with his female chief of staff, 48, last August. The EC president, José Manuel Barroso, said that “people’s private spheres” should be respected, but a German magazine will publish the pictures of Verheugen’s private spheres anyway.

Bush met with members of Congress today to talk about Iraq. Afterwards, he said they should do it again some time: “And the reason you meet on a regular basis is so that the American people can know that we’re working hard to find common ground.” Yes, it’s all about looking like you’re accomplishing something, rather than actually accomplishing something. Then, Mr. “I talk to families who die” held an impromptu seance.


Hastert communed with the spirits of tuna melts past, while Frist was haunted by the ghostly hissing of spectral kitties.

One of the people the Iraq Study Group didn’t take testimony from: Juan Cole.

Nice Simon Hoggart sketch of the Bush-Blair press conference.

Bush & Blair press conference: I talk to families who die

In a press conference with Tony Blair, held in front of a humongous presidential seal, Bush again sort of praised the Iraq Study Group: “I appreciated the fact that they laid out a series of recommendations, and they’re worthy of serious study.” In fact, he’ll study the Study Group’s study, and will do so in his study. Soon loses all meaning, doesn’t it? Study study study study. A whole lot of studying going on for a test I’m pretty sure we flunked more than three years ago. George isn’t doing so well on his book report either, since the only thing he can come up with to say about the ISG report is that it lays out a series of recommendations.

Fellow students, prepare to be dazzled! Well, as Mrs. Krabappel already mentioned, the name of the book that I read was “Treasure Island.” It’s about these... pirates. Pirates... with patches over their eyes... and... shiny gold teeth... and green birds on their shoulders... Did I mention this book was written by a guy named Robert Lewis Stevenson? And published by the good people at McGraw Hill. So, in conclusion, on the Simpson scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, one being the lowest, and five being average, I give this book... a nine.

Indeed, Bush informs us that “a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody, but “To show you how important this one is, I read it, and our guest read it. The Prime Minister read -- read a report prepared by a commission. And this is important.” You’ll notice the premise here is that Bush reads so few things that anything he does read he must consider really important. I’m not saying that, Bush himself is saying that.



Britain’s own Mrs. Krabappel, Anthony Charles Lynton Blair, must spend these things with an imaginary blue pencil in his head, correcting all Bush’s grammatical errors, like this one: “The increase in sectarian attacks we’re seeing in and around Baghdad are unsettling.” That’s right, Mr. Blair, around here we don’t go in for that namby-pamby, la-di-da subject-verb agreement. Two countries divided by a single, or in Bush’s case half of a, language.

However, though Bush continued to speak shit while Blair spoke shite, Blair did have some difficulty with his arithmetic: “But there are only two ways that the Middle East can go. Its people can either be presented with a choice between a secular or a religious dictatorship, which is not a choice that any free people would ever choose, or alternatively, they can enjoy the same possibilities of democracy that we hold dear in our countries.” Three ways, that’s one, two, three ways.



In the q&a, Bush said, “The thing I liked about the Baker-Hamilton report is it discussed the way forward in Iraq.” Yes, and it lays out a series of recommendations. Wasn’t that the whole idea? He sounds like he’s surprised it wasn’t about trout fishing in British Columbia or something.

“Tough” was one of his favorite words today: “I understand how tough it is. And I’ve been telling the American people how tough it is. And they know how tough it is. ... And I have made it abundantly clear how tough it is. ... As you can tell, I feel strongly about making sure you understand that I understand it’s tough.” And so on. After a while, Blair started using it too.

Bush also snapped at a reporter, “It’s bad in Iraq. That help?” Um, not really.



Also, e-fricking-nough already of the talk about achieving objectives: he talked with Blair about “the way forward, so we can achieve the objective,” the Baker-Hamilton strategy to “achieve an objective,” helping the Maliki government “achieve the objective,” “do we have a plan to achieve our objective?”, Iran “would be using that nuclear weapon to blackmail to achieve political objectives,” and half a dozen more, by which time, again, copy-cat Blair was using it too.

Just like Sen. Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, who said a couple of days ago, “I talk to those who’ve lost their lives, and they have that sense of duty and mission,” Bush had his own Ghost Whisperer moment: “Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die.”



He talks to families who die, but will he talk to Syria and Iran, as the ISG recommended? “[T]hese countries understand our position. They know what’s expected of them. There is -- if we were to have a conversation, it would be this one, to Syria: Stop destabilizing the Siniora government. ... Stop allowing money and arms to cross your border into Iraq. Don’t provide safe haven for terrorist groups. We’ve made that position very clear.” Not so much a “conversation” as an ultimatum, really.

Asked if he could admit his past failures in Iraq, Bush said, “I do know that we have not succeeded as fast as we wanted to succeed. I do understand that progress is not as rapid as I had hoped.” So that’s a “no.”



No one asked Bush (or, indeed, Blair) for his reaction to Mary Cheney’s pregnancy, I’m sorry to say.

(Thanks to this site for the Bart quote.)

The Iraq Study Group report

William Caldwell IV, Military Moron, has an op-ed in the WaPo, in which he says, “I don’t see a civil war in Iraq. I don’t see a constituency for civil war.” And he should know: “I studied civil wars at West Point”. So that settles that.

Okay, I’ve read the Iraq Study Group report (pdf). Nine months to come up with this, huh?

The funny thing is that the assessment of the situation in Iraq is actually more realistic (and depressing) than I would have expected from this bunch: grave and deteriorating situation, Shiite and Sunni politicians in the government not especially influential, militias “seen as legitimate vehicles of political action,” etc etc. It’s just the recommendations that are unhelpful and even unserious, since I can’t believe anyone who understood and accepted that assessment would also believe that the commission’s recommendations could a) be implemented, b) help much if they were.

Most of the focus on international diplomacy (“The United States should immediately launch a new diplomatic offensive to build an international consensus for stability in Iraq and the region”) is DOA. Bush won’t talk with Iran and Syria, they won’t join any “Iraq International Support Group,” there will not in fact be an Iraq International Support Group. Bush isn’t going to spend his last 2 years in office solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. By the way, these are the juicy incentives the ISG suggests we offer Iran and Syria:

i. An Iraq that does not disintegrate and destabilize its neighbors and the region.
ii. The continuing role of the United States in preventing the Taliban from destabilizing Afghanistan.
iii. Accession to international organizations, including the World Trade Organization.
iv. Prospects for enhanced diplomatic relations with the United States.
v. The prospect of a U.S. policy that emphasizes political and economic reforms instead of (as Iran now perceives it) advocating regime change.
vi. Prospects for a real, complete, and secure peace to be negotiated between Israel and Syria, with U.S. involvement as part of a broader initiative on Arab-Israeli peace as outlined below.

Dude, you had me at “enhanced diplomatic relations with the United States.”

By the way, it doesn’t really have 79 recommendations. Some of them are repetitive, and one (#24) just says that the timetable for the benchmarks in #23 may be unrealistic.

A bunch of them relate to oil, you’ll be surprised to hear. Otherwise, it’s mostly all about training and embedding (or, as the ISG put it in order to emphasize their maverick independence, imbedding). They seem to put rather a lot of faith in the power of the proximity of an American or two to improve the characters, competence and courage of any Iraqi in their vicinity. Honestly, I’ve been near Americans my entire life, and I don’t know that it’s made me a better, braver person (and yes I will cut out the alliteration now).

It’s not just the Iraqi military that needs the purifying power (that one just came out) of “imbedded” Americans, but every branch of government. For example, “The ethos and training of Iraqi police forces must support the mission to ‘protect and serve’ all Iraqis. Today, far too many Iraqi police do not embrace that mission”. Also ag, oil, whatever. Of course those require Americans who aren’t in the military and may not really want to go to Iraq. So #74 suggests simply ordering civilian government employees into Iraq anyway.

As I said, it took them nine months to come up with this. It’s a paean to, indeed a fetishization of consensus, anywhere and everywhere: “reconciliation” in Iraq itself, the “new international consensus for stability in Iraq,” and in the US (“success depends on the unity of the American people”). This should come as no surprise after the ISG developed their own consensus through nine endless months of team-bonding and trust exercises – rope courses, drumming, falling backwards into Ed Meese’s arms, etc.

It wasn’t worth it.