Friday, January 11, 2008

Republican debate, wherein is revealed why marriage is an important institution

Republican debate, South Carolina, this time Fox generously allowed Ron Paul to participate, though they spent the whole evening asking him questions like, “Are you insane, or just a big ole loser? Thirty seconds, please.”

Paul was asked to disavow his supporters who believe 9/11 was a government conspiracy. He wouldn’t do it, although he did say that personally, “I’ve abandoned those viewpoints.”

What viewpoints has he not abandoned? Paul told his fellow candidates that they need to “understand the importance of Austrian theory of the business cycle.”

And that’s quite enough about Ron Paul.

McCain kept insisting that “I’m called the sheriff by my friends in the Senate who are the appropriators.” Of course, he’s from Arizona, where I belief it’s traditional for sheriffs to be batshit insane fascists. McCain added, holding back a tear, “and I didn’t win Miss Congeniality. And as president, I won’t win Miss Congeniality, either.” Will you settle for Sheriff Congeniality?

Huckabee said the Second Amendment is “just as precious” as the First. The precious, the precious... He was not asked if the 3rd Amendment was more or less precious.

Not having soldiers quartered on you.

You should know that, people.

There was a fascinating theological discussion over what would happen to Iranians who dared challenge the United States Navy. Huckabee said they should “be prepared that the next things you see will be the gates of Hell” while Thompson said, “I think one more step and they would have been introduced to those virgins that they’re looking forward to seeing.” Which is it, gentlemen, virgins or gates of hell?

McCain was asked what he would have done if he’d been the captain. “If I’d have been the captain of the ship, I probably would have assessed the situation as it was at the time.” All those years in the Navy really paid off, huh John?

Later, butting into a question about Israeli-Palestinian peace being answered by Ron Paul, McCain irrelevantly interjected, “Could I just make a comment? I’m not interested in trading with Al Qaida. All they want to trade is burkas. I don’t want to travel with them. They like one-way tickets.” Yeah, like your track record with landing planes is so great.

Twitt Romney said that foreign policy in the 20th century was like a game of checkers, but now it’s more like 3-dimensional chess. Which I think means the Vulcans are totally gonna beat our asses.

Wait, could Romney be a Vulcan? A Mormon Vulcan? Because that would explain a lot.

Romney: “My whole life has been about bringing change to things I have touched”. Um, eww.

Huckabee again cited Trucker’s Magazine, bragging about Arkansas’s improved roads. Also, “We had no bridges falling down in Arkansas.”

Asked about the thing about wives submitting graciously to their husbands, Huckabee complained that “everybody says religion is off limits, except we always can ask me the religious questions.” Yeah, funny that, reverend. And he said that his views about the inferiority of women (or wives, anyway) “has nothing to do with presidency.” And he objected to the rest of us even paying attention to something that “really was spoken to believers, to Christian believers.” How dare he not be left in hypocritical peace to say one thing to Christian believers, and another thing to the rest of us? He said that anyone who knows his wife, “I don’t think they for one minute think that she’s going to just sit by and let me do whatever I want to.” So I guess she’ll be going to the gates of hell for not submitting graciously, hmm reverend? And he claimed to have really meant that husbands and wives submit to each other. Which is not what he meant. At all. “Each partner gives 100 percent of their devotion to the other and that’s why marriage is an important institution, because it teaches us how to love.”

Thompson: “We need to be a nation of high fences and wide gates, and we get to decide when to open the gate and when to close it.” Fred gets hours of entertainment playing with his garage door opener.

Thompson says employers should be required “to use the modern technology that we have now so that they can, in effect, push a button on the front end and find out whether or not someone is legal”. So he wants to install buttons on aliens, is that it?

Huckabee says that it is possible to get rid of all 12 million illegal aliens: “People got themselves here, they can get themselves to the back of the line.” Boy, illegal aliens really do all the jobs Americans don’t want to do.

Can’t you keep it in your pants just this once, Rudy?

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