We got professionals who are trained in this kind of work

Congressional hearings on Iraqi corruption Thursday. See the WaPo and David Corn articles. The anti-corruption official fired by Maliki for actually trying to stop corruption testified about the level of corruption and the violence against his agency. Asshole points to Rep. John Mica, who said it’s no worse than Watergate, and a lot of witnesses against Bill Clinton also happened to “die suddenly,” so it’s not a big deal. Also testifying, State Dept official Larry Butler, who said that Iraqi corruption is a classified matter, and refused to answer any questions in public.

Bush spoke briefly to the press this morning. First, he talked about the economy and how “I also am going to make it very clear to people in Congress that we’re not going to raise their taxes on the working people.” The word “their” puzzled me for a second. At first, I thought he was saying that he wasn’t going to raise taxes on “people in Congress,” but I think what he actually means is that every bit of taxation should be blamed on Congress, that he has nothing whatsoever to do with it.


Then he addressed the newly discovered Gonzales torture opinion. He suggested that anyone objecting to torture is opposed even to arresting terrorists: “There’s been a lot of talk in the newspapers and on TV about a program that I put in motion to detain and question terrorists and extremists.” “I have put this program in place for a reason...” he said.


Oh, you’re wondering what that reason is? “...and that is to better protect the American people.” It’s just as reasonable as that. “And when we find somebody who may have information regarding an -- a potential attack on America, you bet we’re going to detain them, and you bet we’re going to question them”. For years if not decades to come. You bet.

However, “this government does not torture people. You know, we stick to U.S. law and our international obligations.” And what makes them so sticky? The blood of tortured detainees on their hands.


IN OTHER WORDS: “there are highly trained professionals questioning these extremists and terrorists. In other words, we got professionals who are trained in this kind of work”. Actually, one of the reasons for the issuing of the secret legal opinion was that the CIA in fact had no trained interrogators slash torturers. Although if there actually are “highly trained” interrogators slash torturers, as he says, I’d be interested to here more about the training program. How long does it last? Is there a certificate? Are they certified separately in various techniques, i.e., is there a waterboarding license? Etc.

He insisted that “the techniques that we use have been fully disclosed to appropriate members of the United States Congress.” Appropriate? I want a list. A list of the members of Congress who know about every “technique” being used on prisoners.

He assured us that prisoners will continue to be tortured in the future: “The American people expect their government to take action to protect them from further attack. And that’s exactly what this government is doing, and that’s exactly what we’ll continue to do.”

Of elephants, buttocks art and a death at Gitmo

Another suicide at Guantanamo. By a Saudi prisoner who in five years had never been allowed to see a lawyer.

Two good headlines from the AP today: “Ohio Porn Presentation Has Explanation” and “Va. Teacher Fired for Buttocks Art Sues.” That teacher has a website called buttprintart.com. Really not that interesting.

Everyone’s had fun today with this logo:


I believe it was adopted from this photo (which used to be my screensaver), from a presidential visit to Africa in 2003:

A very Chimpy Iftaar: A history of standing with Muslims facing suffering and hardship

Bush held an Iftaar dinner at the White House, celebrating the end of Ramadan fasting. One innovation I spotted in the pictures: women. Usually they’re stuck in a segregated event with Laura. Possibly this is because the event is more international than usual this year, including ambassadors of countries with Muslims in them, some of whom, like the ambassador from Singapore (15% Muslim), are women.


The Congressional Ramadan resolution, which called Islam “one of the great religions of the world,” passed the House 376-0, but 42 voted “present.” Of those 42, 41 were Republicans (the D was Mike McIntyre of NC).

The White House dinner’s prayer was offered by an imam who is also a Navy lt. commander (the entire US military has 10 Muslim chaplains), Abuhena Saifulislam, who said that anyone who helps a Muslim break their Ramadan fast will receive the same reward as the faster. So, he told Bush, “we have got you covered, man.”

Bush gave a speech – it occurs to me that I don’t know if he spoke before or after dinner; it would be a terrible thing to listen to Bush while fasting, but on the other hand it would be a terrible thing to listen to Bush on a full stomach. I guess what I’m saying is that it would be a terrible thing to listen to Bush. “The freedom of worship,” he said, “is central to the American character.” He said that “America is standing with mainstream citizens across the broader Middle East” against radical Muslims. “We say to them, you don’t represent Muslims, you do not represent Islam”. I don’t know whose job it is to determine who represents Islam, but I’m pretty sure it’s not George W. Bush.

He said, “Americans have a history of standing with Muslims facing suffering and hardship”. In fact, Americans have a history of standing quite near to Muslims facing suffering and hardship. Funny that.

Bush, praying.

Cheney, praying. Yes, it does look remarkably like napping.

Earlier in the day, Bush met the majority leader of the Lebanese Parliament. I don’t have anything to say about that, but here are some pictures of Bushies (including Elliott Abrams) standing around awkwardly during it.

It’s hard to do the hard things now

I haven’t listened to it yet myself, but the BBC just started a 6-part (radio) production of Douglas Adams’s Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency. The first episode will be available here until the 2nd one airs next Wednesday, and so on.

This morning Bush spoke to the Lancaster (PA) Chamber of Commerce and Industry. And answered some questions.

He explained his job: “My job is a decision-making job. And as a result, I make a lot of decisions.”


He explained economics: “But I just want to make sure you understand what I know, and that is prosperity occurs because people work hard and dream dreams, and work to fulfill those dreams.” Of course if they’re working hard and dreaming dreams at the same time, it would be good if they weren’t forklift operators. Also, when Bush talks about people having dreams, those dreams are always money-based, aren’t they?

A VERY FISCAL DOUBLE IN OTHER WORDS: “The job of the government is to create fiscal policy such that people feel inspired or confident in risking capital. In other words, the job of government is to create an environment that encourages entrepreneurship. One of the issues that we’re going to be facing in Washington, D.C. is how to spend your money. In other words, what do we do with the good money that we’ve -- the good money we’ve collected?” As opposed to bad money, where Benjamin Franklin has a goatee.

IN OTHER WORDS: “I want to tell you a startling statistic, that based on their own states’ projections -- in other words, this isn’t a federal projection, it’s the states saying this is what’s happening...”


CONDESCENDING TWIT: “Poor children in America are covered by what’s called Medicaid.”

That factoid is intended to justify his veto of the S-CHIP bill, of which he says: “here’s the thing, just so you know, this program expands coverage, federal coverage up to families earning $83,000 a year. That doesn’t sound poor to me. The intent of the program was to focus on poor children, not adults or families earning up to $83,000 a year.”

He used the words “intent” or “initial intent” a lot, as in: “I believe in helping poor people -- which was the intent of S-CHIP, now being expanded beyond its initial intent.” He sounds like one of his judges invoking the original intent of the founding fathers, except in this case the founding father of S-CHIP was, um, Ted Kennedy.


Later on, he talked about No Child Left Behind and the importance of education, but first... “I got a lot of Ph.D.-types and smart people around me who come into the Oval Office and say, Mr. President, here’s what’s on my mind. And I listen carefully to their advice. But having gathered the device [sic], I decide, you know, I say, this is what we’re going to do. And it’s ‘yes, sir, Mr. President.’ ... I always tell Condi Rice, I want to remind you, Madam Secretary, who has the Ph.D. and who was the C student. (Laughter.) And I want to remind you who the advisor is and who the President is. (Laughter.)” And you know, I’ll bet Condi pretends to laugh each and every time he says that, and grits her teeth and dies a little bit inside, each and every time.

You know, the thought of Condi pretending to laugh and gritting her teeth and dying a little bit inside brightens my whole day. Does that make me a bad person?

CONDESCENDING TWIT II: “This war is really hard for the American people to understand because the enemy uses asymmetrical warfare.”

A VERY AGRICULTURAL IN OTHER WORDS: “I believe it’s in the interest of local farmers to have markets available to them. In other words, a core principle of any good farm policy is for the administration to work to open up markets.”

A VERY AGRICULTURAL DOUBLE IN OTHER WORDS: “I believe very strongly that programs that encourage overproduction are programs that need to be seriously evaluated. In other words, I’d rather you selling into existing markets than producing where there be no market. In other words, it’s a combination -- look, I’m a safety-net person for farmers.”

A VERY ENVIRONMENTAL AND VERY CONFUSED IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words -- and so what I’m beginning to tell you is -- what I am -- not beginning, what I am telling you is that we have a comprehensive strategy to deal with energy security and environmental quality at the same time.”

IN FRONT OF THE WHAT NOW? “I gave a speech the other day in front of the major economies of the world.”



NO YOU DON’T GOT TO: “If you’re an environmentalist and concerned about greenhouse gases, you got to be for nuclear power.”

MORE INSIGHT INTO THE BUSHIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE (HINT: YOU DON’T HAVE TO KNOW THE NAMES OF ANY OF YOUR SUBORDINATES): “And so, in the meantime, however, this border security initiative is still going on down there on the border. I’m constantly in touch with the person in charge. I said, here’s what you said you’re going to do; are you’re doing it? That’s one of the jobs of the President, is to hold people to account. I’m interested in results. I said, you’re going to come in and check in with me on a regular basis to show me what’s happening. And it’s amazing what happens -- I’m sure you do this in your businesses -- you say, you show up and give me an accounting of what’s taken place.”

ASKED ABOUT THE PROSPECTS FOR AN ISRAELI-PALESTINIAN DEAL: “So one of the interesting breakthroughs has been that the Israelis have come to believe, and rightly so, that it’s in their long-term interest that we work toward a Palestinian democracy. Otherwise, the demographics will overwhelm the Israeli democracy.” Maybe the Palestinians shouldn’t be taking advice about democracy from someone who thinks it can be “overwhelmed” by demographics.

“And so one of the things Condi and I are working on is to see if we can’t get the two parties to agree on what a state would look like so that the average Palestinian says, wait a minute, I’m sick and tired of this violence; I’m not going to support those who espouse radicalism and violence in order to achieve an objective, because here’s a different vision.” You know, I’m pretty sure there will never come a time when the average, or indeed when any, Palestinian actually says, “Wait a minute, I’m sick and tired of this violence; I’m not going to support those who espouse radicalism and violence in order to achieve an objective, because here’s a different vision.”

WHOSE BORDER?: “Iran is using Hezbollah in Lebanon, and is worried about democracy in the Middle East; can’t stand the thought of a democratic government on our border; is creating issues of peace.”

SO TRUE: “It’s hard to do the hard things now.”

I was a little surprised when the “childrens is learning” line got so much play, when he commits similar grammatical grotesqueries every single day hour minute. Presumably it was because it came during remarks about education. Anyhoo: “I believe strongly that Pell Grants is one good way of helping families afford higher education.”

But, just as he doesn’t think families earning $83,000 could have difficulties affording health insurance for their children, neither does he think finding the $83,000 or whatever it costs these days for a college education is that big a deal: “My view is this, that if you work hard and you want to go to college, you can find all the help you want. Now, some people don’t like repaying loans, but that’s part of life. If we can borrow some of your money -- if somebody’s going to borrow some of your money, they ought to repay your money.”

A VERY EDUMACATIONAL IN OTHER WORDS: “And so therefore we said, you design the tests. In other words, I said, you design the tests, not the federal government.”

Asked about the twins: “And that was -- I really wrestled with the decision to run for President because, of all the candidates, I understand what it means to be a son or daughter of a President.” Um, Jenna and Not-Jenna were just entering college; you were in your 40s when your father became president. Just saying.

George played a game of let’s humiliate the nice lady from the food bank trying to ask why you killed the supplemental commodity food program (which you can’t even remember):

CHIMPY: Well, you raised your hand. (Laughter.) You didn’t mean it? You want -- you want a little chance to collect the thoughts, you know? I mean we’re talking national TV here, you know? (Laughter and applause.)

Q: I actually wrote it down so I wouldn’t get flustered.

CHIMPY: Yes -- it didn’t work. (Laughter.) It’s just the President.

Prick.

How did this woman get in?

Sorry, I can’t resist (and I did try, sort of): ...and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

Not looking to really profit off this thing

From the AP, my new favorite news story of all time:

Two U.S. Men Fight for Custody of Amputated Leg

A South Carolina man who stored his severed leg in a barbecue smoker that was later auctioned off is locked in a custody dispute with a North Carolina man who found it.

John Wood’s leg was amputated near the knee after a 2004 airplane crash. He asked doctors to give it to him so he could be buried as a whole man when he died.

The limb, which Wood had kept in the smoker in a storage facility after he lost his home, was bought by Shannon Whisnant last Tuesday in an auction held by the storage company because Wood had missed his monthly payments.

Whisnant initially gave it to police, who subsequently turned it over to a funeral home when it became clear it was not the result of foul play.

But Whisnant, who put a sign on the empty smoker charging adults $3 and children $1 for a look, now wants it back.

“He’s making a freak show out of it,” Wood told The Charlotte Observer for a Monday story. “He wants to put money in his pocket with this thing.”

Whisnant, who was unsuccessful in his bid to get the leg from the funeral home, consulted with a lawyer and decided his best move was to persuade Wood to share custody and profits.

“It’s a strange incident and Halloween’s just around the corner,” Whisnant said. “The price will be going up if I get (a stake in) the leg.”

Wood, who is heading to Maiden to pick up his leg, said the two men can meet, but he is not interested in using the leg to make money.

“I just think it’s despicable,” he said. “I don’t mind having the 15 minutes of fame, but I’m not looking to really profit off this thing.”

Humble, well-grounded, and filled with common sense

Giuliani addressed a group of Republican women in California, saying, “What you see in their eyes is Jimmy Carter and what you see in my eyes is Ronald Reagan.” I’d see an ophthalmologist about that right away.

Today marked the changing of the guard at the Pentagon, with the alliterative Peter Pace retiring as chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, replaced by the alliterative Mike Mullen.


Bush talked about the parents of both men, whilst humorously pointing out that his own mother is a bitch. Pace’s mother, Bush reported, “said the General has been good at everything he’s ever done. Some of you may think mothers are required to say only admiring things about their sons. Well, take it from me, it’s not always the case. (Laughter.)” Uncomfortable laughter, no doubt.

Mullen’s parents, Bush pointed out, worked in Hollywood, but somehow Mullen is “humble, well-grounded, and filled with common sense. (Laughter.) Not exactly what one thinks about when they think of Hollywood values. (Laughter.)” Humble, well-grounded, common-sensical laughter, no doubt.

If asked, by the way, Bush will no doubt tell you that he himself is humble, well-grounded, and filled with common sense.

Scary, isn’t it?


Mullen’s qualifications for his new job, like Rudy Giuliani’s for the presidency, are based on where he happened to be on 9/11: “Admiral Mike Mullen understands what’s at stake in the war on terror. He was on duty at the Pentagon when Flight 77 made its doomed plunge. He felt the plane slam into the building.”


Bush and Pace declare one last thumb war. They will not know how to get out of that one either.

Why are you destroying the country?

A NYT article in Friday’s paper about the court-martial noted the pressure in sniper units to increase body counts. It also reported that the commanders who introduced the baiting program also “sought less restrictive rules of engagement — to legalize the combat killing of anyone who made a soldier ‘feel threatened,’ for example, instead of showing hostile intent or actions.” Um, NYT, so did they get those changes or not?

Karzai says he wants to offer Mullah Omar a government position, if he only knew where he was. “If I find their address, there is no need for them to come to me, I’ll personally go there and get in touch with them,” Karzai said. He wants to ask the Taliban leaders, “Esteemed Mullah, sir, and esteemed Hekmatyar, sir, why are you destroying the country?” That’s a trick question, right?

I admire the Islam

John McCain, interviewed by a religious website (video and transcript), said that the number one issue people should use in selecting a president is “Will this person carry on in the Judeo Christian principled tradition that has made this nation the greatest experiment in the history of mankind?” He added that “the Constitution established the United States of America as a Christian nation” (funny how quickly the Judeo part drops out).

However he did say, “I admire the Islam.”

And some time after the interview, he called back to clarify that he didn’t mean a Muslim couldn’t be president: “I would vote for a Muslim if he or she was the candidate best able to lead the country and defend our political values.” You know, the Christian ones.

Civics

The new naturalization test will include 100 questions (pdf) about American history and government. (Rising Hegemon has a good list of alternative questions.) The questions are okay, but the answers could use some work. For example, for question 2, “What does the Constitution do?”, allowable answers are a) sets up the government, b) defines the government, c) protects basic rights of Americans. Nothing about d) cleans Dick Cheney’s ass after each and every bowel movement.

Clearly we can do better. Contest: provide better answers to as many of the questions as you like.

I have a few suggestions:

1. What is the supreme law of the land? You do not talk about Fight Club.

3. The idea of self-government is in the first three words of the Constitution. What are these words? “Yo, homies, wassup?”

5. What do we call the first ten amendments to the Constitution? Suspended until further notice.

11. What is the economic system in the United States? Kleptocracy.

12. What is the ‘rule of law’? Jude Law will eventually remake every single one of Michael Caine’s movies, including Jaws: The Revenge.

14. What stops one branch of government from becoming too powerful? No, really, we’d really like to know.

15. Who is in charge of the executive branch? That box Cheney had installed in the middle of Bush’s back.

24. Who does a U.S. Senator represent? If you have to ask...

25. Why do some states have more Representatives than other states? Blatant favoritism.

26. We elect a President for how many years? Four, but sometimes it seems like 400.

30. If the President can no longer serve, who becomes President?


37. What does the judicial branch do? Under those robes, who can tell?

45. What are the two major political parties in the United States? Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

48. There are four amendments to the Constitution about who can vote. Describe one of them. I don’t have anything funny here, but, um, there are actually 5 amendments about who can vote. Somebody needs to go back and read the 14th again.

49. What is one responsibility that is only for United States citizens? Weaseling out of jury duty.

52. What do we show loyalty to when we say the Pledge of Allegiance? Richard Stands.

55. What are two ways that Americans can participate in their democracy? They list things like voting, joining a political party, calling your representative, writing to a newspaper. Not a fucking thing about blogging.

64. There were 13 original states. Name three. The Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria.

65. What happened at the Constitutional Convention? Those stains were there when we got here.

72. Name one war fought by the United States in the 1800s. The official correct answers are the War of 1812, the Mexican-American War, the Civil War and the Spanish-American War. No Indian wars.

86. What major event happened on September 11, 2001 in the United States? Rudy Giuliani started calling up his wife (and assorted mistresses) to tell them that he loves them.

I am an optimist, because I believe that I’m right

Today Bush signed a bill expanding the Pell Grant program (which has been shamefully eroding in value for years, and this won’t help that much). He spoke repeatedly about helping people “realize dreams.” “I love the fact that this country is dedicated to helping people who want to realize a dream.” Indeed, if you’ve ever dreamed about eating a hamburger bigger than your head, this is the country dedicated to helping you realize that dream.

Actually, I’m not really sure why this speech irritated me; I sort of hoped once I started writing, it would come to me as it usually does, but today not so much. Maybe knowing that if this program were being proposed for the first time now, he would fight it tooth and nail, but instead here he is trying to take credit for it, and expecting gratitude for the grants like they’re acts of personal charity on his part.

He brought out some Pell Grant recipients as props because “We believe it’s important to put a face behind what it means to get a Pell Grant.” So it’s important to see that the people who receive Pell Grants have faces.

Hey, George, can you In Other Words that for us? “In other words, every one of these folks up here is benefiting from the Pell Grant, so he or she can realize their dreams.”


See? They totally have faces.

I haven’t taken on the Bush-Aznar transcript from 2003, because I hate having to rely on the English translation of the Spanish translation of something Bush said in whatever language he speaks. Still, there’s this: “I am an optimist, because I believe that I’m right. I’m at peace with myself.” He is optimistic because he’s the good guy, and the good guy always wins.

This could be you!

Isn’t this just adorable? Two days ago, the Hillary Clinton campaign sent out an email from Bill with the subject line “You, me, a TV, and a bowl of chips,” in which he announces that 3 lucky campaign contributors will be invited to watch one of the debates: “We’ll sit down in front of a big TV with a big bowl of chips, watch the debate, and talk about the race.” Today – and remembering their Sopranos parody I knew this was coming – a follow-up email from Hillary asks, “If you are one of the three people who get the chance to join him, can you make sure he eats carrots, not chips?” Ha ha.

Also today, an email from John McCain, announcing that 3 lucky campaign contributors will be invited to join him on his campaign bus, has the scariest visual yet:


Which is more dangerous, John McCain attacking my face with a sander, or being placed between Bill Clinton and a large bowl of chips?

Childrens do learn

Just because the US Supreme Court will be considering whether the chemicals used in Texas’s executions are cruel and unusual doesn’t mean that Texas will stop executing retarded people in the meantime.

Speaking of... nah, too easy. This blog depends on the White House doing the one thing it actually does correctly: not cleaning up the transcripts of George Bush’s speeches on their website. Today they failed me, and indeed America, by cleaning up the sentence “As yesterday’s positive Report Card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured.”

“It’s ‘children,’ doofus!”



I’m not sure what’s wrong with the LauraBot, but run, little black girl, run!

If you’re mercilessly killed by roaming bands, you know it’s genocide

This afternoon, Bush addressed a UN Security Council session on Africa. Because he totally gives a shit about Africa.


“[M]y nation has labeled what’s taking place in Darfur as genocide, and when we find genocide it’s time to do something about it.” By which he meant, of course, it’s time for someone else to do something about it. He told the African Union that the 7,000 troops it has deployed are not sufficient: “you know better than me that the area of Darfur is bigger than France, or Texas, and both are plenty big for 7,000 troops.” The AU responded, “You know, you should really stop explaining to Africans that parts of Africa are about the same size as some European country or some American state, as if even Africans need to compare Africa to someplace ‘real.’”



Bush said, “7,000 troops is not enough, if you believe what’s taking place on the ground is genocide. Maybe some don’t think it’s genocide, but if you’ve been raped, you think it’s -- your human rights have been violated. If you’re mercilessly killed by roaming bands, you know it’s genocide.”


You can’t mock a sentence like that. Bang your head repeatedly against a table, yes, but mock, no. It’s just sort of complete and pristine, you can only read it over and over and marvel.

The harsh steps necessary to spread liberty

Maliki says he is “multi-nationalistic,” that he has stopped “the explosion of a sectarian war,” and that Iran and Syria are no longer interfering in Iraqi affairs. So it must be true.

Bush spoke to the UN General Assembly today. He told them all about inherent human dignity (he was speaking as an outside observer).


He spoke about the universality of human rights... to a group of people who had to listen to him speaking.


He talked about the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, and somehow slipped into that declaration the right of American multi-national corporations to operate without let or hindrance: “When innocent people are trapped in a life of murder and fear, the Declaration is not being upheld. When millions of children starve to death or perish from a mosquito bite, we’re not doing our duty in the world. When whole societies are cut off from the prosperity of the global economy, we’re all worse off.”


He said that “the mission of the United Nations requires liberating people from tyranny and violence.” Er, no it isn’t.

He said “Americans are outraged by the situation in Burma, where a military junta has imposed a 19-year reign of fear.” Which either means that Americans have been outraged for the last 19 years, or they’re only just hearing about this now.


He called for “reform” of the UN, especially of the Human Rights Council. By reform, he meant stop criticizing Israel.

Later in the day, he held a “roundtable on democracy” because “I can think of no better way to work toward freedom than to strategize with leaders from around the world who are willing to take the harsh steps necessary to spread liberty.” No one can make liberty sound terrifying quite the way George Bush can.

And nothing to hide

For some reason I feel compelled to bring to your attention the, um, face of modern Polish feminism, the newly formed Women’s Party of Poland.

The campaign poster, curiously reminiscent of ads for The L Word, reads, “Everything for the future. The Party of Women. Poland is a Woman. And nothing to hide.” Those are the party’s parliamentary candidates.

Not the time

This morning, Bush spewed some budgetary petulance at Congress: “If they think that by waiting until just before they leave for the year to send me a bill that is way over budget and thicker than a phone book, if they think that’s going to force me to sign it, it’s not.”



He is especially against tax increases, of course. Because the time is just wrong: “At a time when families are working hard to pay their mortgages or pay for their children going to college, now is not the time to be taking money out of their pocket.” Congress should just wait until a time when people aren’t paying mortgages or their children’s college education.

It means nothing for me

So there’s a secret Pentagon program in Iraq to drop “bait” such as detonation cords, plastic explosives and ammo here and there, and shoot dead anyone who picks it up, because they are clearly up to no good. Larry Craig’s still a senator, right? $100 to the first reporter who calls him up to ask whether he thinks this sort of lethal entrapment is a legitimate tool.

Yes, I said tool.

Maliki says criticism of him by members of Congress is unimportant, because they are not important: “What is important is that it did not come from the American administration or President Bush. That it comes from other areas ... for other reasons, is not a concern of mine. ... It means nothing for me.” Democratic congresscritters: you have just been dismissed as irrelevant... by Nouri al-Maliki. Ouch.

It’s a feature, not a glitch

WaPo: “The money spent on one day of the Iraq war could buy homes for almost 6,500 families or health care for 423,529 children”.

Bush, weekly radio address: “Our goal should be to move children who have no health insurance to private coverage -- not to move children who already have private health insurance to government coverage.”

Bush press conference: Saddam Hussein killed all the Mandelas

This post is brought to you by Percocet and in loving memory of my abscessed right lower wisdom tooth, Pointy. For the first time in my life, I have an even number of teeth (I am a mutant).

Speaking of abscesses, this morning Bush held a press conference.

He started off by claiming that Democrats only support expanding the S-CHIP program of health insurance for children for political gain. How dare they support health insurance for children just because it’s popular with the American public! He said they “have decided to pass a bill they know that will be vetoed” (note the passive voice). So because they know that Bush is a stubborn bastard, they must intend to fail in order to have a campaign issue. “Health coverage for these children should not be held hostage while political ads are being made and new polls are being taken.” Was there ever such a cynical charge of cynicism?

One reporter got him on the record specifically opposing an increase in cigarette taxes to fund the program.



IN OTHER WORDS, IS WHAT HE SAID: “And I also said that progress will yield fewer troops. In other words, return on success, is what I said.”

He immediately followed that up with a U-Turn IN OTHER WORDS, in which two IN OTHER WORDSES took him right back to the original words: “There are two types of reconciliation, David. One is that reconciliation, that very visible reconciliation that happens through the passage of law. In other words, it’s reconciliation that shows the Iraqi people that people from different backgrounds can get along and, at the same time, that government can function. Clearly there needs to be work there. In other words, there needs to be the passage of law.”


A game of IN OTHER WORDS Bumper Cars (about North Korea): “In other words, whether it be the exportation of information and/or materials is an important part -- it doesn’t matter to us whether they do -- in terms of the six-party talks, because they’re both equally important, I guess is the best way to say it. In other words, we want -- it does matter -- let me rephrase that -- it matters whether they are, but the concept of proliferation is equally important as getting rid of programs and weapons.”

A PLAIN VANILLA IN OTHER WORDS: “The folks like Blackwater who provide security for the State Department are under rules of engagement -- in other words, they have certain rules.”


He said about the Blackwater incident, “Obviously, to the extent that innocent life was lost, you know, I’m saddened.” But only to that extent. So there will be a joint US-Iraqi commission to investigate the extent to which Bush is saddened: “I want to find out the facts about exactly what took place there in the theater and that’s exactly what we’re about to find out.”


But that’s not the only thing ensaddening him. Asked about the Jena incident, he replied, “The events in Louisiana are -- have saddened me. I understand the emotions.” Well, he’s heard of them, anyway.


(Before I forget, the White House issued one of those “Responding to Key Myths” papers about Iraq. Among other things, it proved that Maliki is not an agent of Iran thusly: “Maliki is an Iraqi nationalist who does not speak Persian”. Quod erat demonstrandum.)

Maliki is not, however, a Nelson Mandela: “I thought an interesting comment was made when somebody said to me, I heard somebody say, where’s Mandela? Well, Mandela is dead, because Saddam Hussein killed all the Mandelas.” Even Winnie?

This Mandela line, which passed from Ryan Crocker to Condi and now to Bush, provoked this comment from me last week: “So basically what they’re saying is that if any of the current crop of Iraqi politicians had been any damned good, they wouldn’t be alive.”


Bush thinks the MoveOn “General Betray Us” ad was “disgusting,” and an attack on the entire military. Which is nonsense. Also disgusting: Democrats. “And I was disappointed that not more leaders in the Democrat Party spoke out strongly against that kind of ad. And that leads me to come to this conclusion: that most Democrats are afraid of irritating a left-wing group like MoveOn.org -- or more afraid of irritating them than they are of irritating the United States military.”

So sad:

Q: Mr. President, former Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld recently was asked if he missed you. He said, no. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: I miss him.

(Update: see, I knew I’d miss something, with the drugs and the pain and everything: “We dealt with a recession, a terrorist attack and corporate scandals. And we did it by cutting taxes.”)

Well, no wonder they hate us

Rudy Giuliani: “I’m probably one of the four or five best known Americans in the world.”

Enemy Entity

Israel has designated Gaza– not Hamas, the entire Gaza – an “enemy entity” (or “hostile entity” in the BBC’s translation), and will cut off its fuel and electricity and prevent people and goods (but not, they say, food) entering Gaza. Israel claims the declaration absolves it of its obligations under international law as an occupying power. Condi, who is in Israel, helpfully added that the US considers Hamas a hostile entity too, but that it won’t “abandon the innocent Palestinians in Gaza,” but did not say how many of the Palestinians in Gaza she considers innocent.


An aide to Maliki says they may not kick Blackwater out of the country after all: “Maybe they will make a commitment that they study their moves” or just... change its name. Possibly to Hostile Entity, Incorporated.

Demanding that Congress make the legalization of warrantless surveillance permanent, Bush informed it of its rather limited job description: “It is the job of Congress to give the professionals the tools they need to do their work as effectively as possible.” Makes it sound like a plumber’s assistant. Which, come to think of it...

The many sullen faces of the Bush administration:

Hiding in the Easter basket

The WaPo’s Walter Pincus writes an article based on a round-table conference-call interview (transcript) of the guy who runs American detention facilities in Iraq, Maj. Gen. Douglas Stone by several “defense bloggers,” whatever they might be (one asked whether we could use robots as guards), about the US military’s attempt to de-program Muslim extremists among the 25,000 prisoners we are holding (and more each month), some of them as young as 11. “Religious enlightenment,” they call it. And honestly, a bunch of (presumably) non-Muslim occupiers trying to alter the religious outlook of captured Iraqis, what could possibly be wrong with that? (Note as well that 83% of the prisoners are Sunni, which is a tad disproportionate.)

Stone says he reads the Koran every day, but let’s see if we can detect a hint as to his actual religion in this quote about Muslim extremists: “They’re like rotten eggs, you know, hiding in the Easter basket”. Nevertheless, Stone feels able to talk about “fraudulent imams” and prisoners’ “misunderstanding” of the Koran. He likes to talk about this as the “battlefield of the brain” and says his goal is to “turn these guys and spin them around”. “We’re out here because war is an act of force and we’re going to compel this enemy to do our will. And our will is that the moderates are going to win out. And so everybody that’s in my detention is either going to go out doing that, because that’s what will -- our will is, or they’re not going out.”

And how does he know that prisoners who claim to have changed their religious views in response to these programs actually have? Polygraphs, of course.

Stone says Iraqi VP Tariq al-Hashimi told him that the US could win the war if only it could do the same thing to the whole of Iraq. Er, Stoney, I’m not sure he really wanted actual Iraqis to find out that he said something like that.

Stone spoke approvingly of an incident two weeks ago, when moderate Muslim prisoners attacked radical Muslim prisoners: “Found them, identified them, threw them up against the fence, and shaved their frickin’ beards off of them. That, I mean, that is historic.” Yes, if by historic you mean that much of world history does indeed consist of people attacking each other over religious differences. And clearly Iraq needs more of that sort of thing.

Every day is Mother’s Day as far as you’re concerned

This morning Bush met with members of military support organizations. “Laura and I are honored to welcome you here to the South Lawn. Welcome to the people’s house.” Okay, technically, shouldn’t that be “welcome to the people’s lawn”?


“Gold Star Mothers, got you, okay, thank you -- Blue Star Mothers, Gold Star Mothers, all the mothers, yes. (Applause.) Every day is Mother’s Day as far as you’re concerned, isn’t it? (Laughter.)” If you mean that on Mother’s Day, it is traditional to receive flowers, candy, and the fear that you will outlive your child because they will be killed by a roadside bomb in a pointless war far from home, then yes, every day is Mother’s Day as far as they’re concerned.

With your help, perhaps a cure can be found

Romney attacked Hillary’s health care plan (before she’d even released the details – he’s just that good) in front of St. Vincent’s in Manhattan, unaware that the hospital has a “Rudolph W. Giuliani Trauma Center.”

Finally, a center for the treatment of the dreaded Rudy Giuliani trauma.

If it weren’t for recreational hysteria, I’d get no exercise at all

Bush nominates Michael “Not As Much of a Dick As Ted Olson” Mukasey to be attorney general.



While Mukasey does indeed seem to be not as much of a dick as Ted Olson (or, to set the bar even lower, as incompetent as Gonzales), this 2004 op-ed article in which he defended the Patriot Act against “a good deal of hysteria, some of it reflexive, much of it recreational,” and calling for the government to be given “the benefit of the doubt,” does give one some pause, if not the recreational hysteria we all enjoy so much. At least not yet.

This morning Bush met Prime Minister José Sócrates of Portugal for a bit of a – dear god I can’t help myself – Socratic dialogue, which Bush described thusly:

So we discussed our bilateral relations. I asked the Prime Minister, I said, how would you frame our bilateral relations, he said: good. Well, you know, I feel the same way. ... we discussed and confirmed that transatlantic relations are very important for the United States and the EU.

The prime minister then called for a round of hemlock.

Fiat lux

No posting here for a bit, what with the slow news weekend and a 10½ hour power outage here at Casa de WIIIAI, thanks to the good folks at Pacific Gas & Not So Much With The Electric. Missed “Tokyo Story,” which was on Turner Classics last night, too.

The LAT lists some of the bills passed by California Legislature in the past session. A mixed bag, to be sure (and if the governor signs
SB 880, that bag can now be made from the imported skin of a kangaroo). Other bills would legalize condom distribution in prisons and allow celebrities to control the use of their names and images even after their deaths. One which has been signed into law allows restraining orders in domestic abuse cases to protect family pets.

O.J. Simpson: you’re supposed to start with stuff like robbery and work your way up to double homicides, not the other way round.

Now, slogan contests. Two of them:

1) Donald Rumsfeld is starting the Rumsfeld Foundation. He just gives and he gives, doesn’t he? The foundation needs a motto, and I think you people are the ones to supply it. I mean, it could just go with the motto it has rather than the motto it might want or wish to have at a later time, oh my goodness yes, but there are known known mottos and known unknown mottos and possibly unknown unknown mottos, but we don’t know them, and what was I talking about?

2) Andrei Lugovoi, the “former” KGB guy who allegedly poisoned Alexander Litvinenko with polonium, isn’t starting a foundation, but is running for the Duma, possibly in order to acquire parliamentary immunity, as a candidate of the Liberal Democrats (who are neither). What would a Lugovoi bumper sticker say? (Er, that is, a Lugovoi election bumper sticker, not the bumper sticker on Lugovoi’s actual car, which I believe says “If you’re close enough to read this, you might want to consult a physician.”)

You may offer slogans for either or both (or indeed neither, I know it’s a Monday) (and the time is evidently 12:00, blinking, and have I said “Fuck PG&E” yet?)

Honor

This week the Indian government put forward an official position that the Hindu god Rama isn’t real. Specifically, it told a court that development should be allowed to go ahead in Adam’s Bridge, a chain of shoals linking India and Sri Lanka, because it is a natural formation and was not built by Lord Rama with an army of monkeys.

Pro-war politicians like to talk about “honor.” Actually, not Bush so much, but Cheney and, especially, McCain. At the Petraeus hearing on Tuesday, McCain said, “All of us want our troops to come home, but we should want them to return to us with honor, the honor of victory that is due all of those who have paid the ultimate sacrifice.”

While “honor” seems to be important to war supporters, I’m not really sure what they mean when they use the word. Perhaps in McCain’s case the word means nothing: he seems increasingly to be using words in ways that are intended to convey an impression of meaning, rather than to convey actual meaning. For example, in the sentence I just quoted (which presumably he prepared in advance), the reference to the “ultimate sacrifice” seems to say that he wants American troops to return only when they are 1) victorious, and 2) dead. If that is not what he meant, and I’m guessing it isn’t, then we must assume that he just strung some grand-sounding phrases – “honor of victory,” “the ultimate sacrifice” – together willy nilly, in much the same way that I’ll use any excuse to use the phrase “willy nilly” (or “army of monkeys”).

But to return to honor (as opposed to returning with honor), is McCain saying that whether or not honor accrues to individual troops is dependent on whether the war is fought to “victory” or not? Doesn’t seem quite fair. Someone really should ask him to define his terms more clearly.

I know what you’re all asking at this point: did Rama’s monkey army return with monkey honor?

Yes it did.