Difficult but not endless

Headline of the day (Guardian): “Gangster’s Notorious Underpants Sell out Fast.”

Headline of the day (AP) (I wrote the previous item last night, so technically this is the headline of the day for today and that one was the headline of the day for yesterday, for those of you playing along at home): “No ‘Lord of the Rings’ for Man at Gitmo.”

This morning Bush gave a speech endorsing every recommendation he told David Petraeus to make.

He explained that things used to be terrible in Iraq and are now wonderful:

Fifteen months ago, America and the Iraqi government were on the defensive; today, we have the initiative.

Funny, I don’t remember him telling us 15 months ago that we were on the defensive.

Fifteen months ago, extremists were sowing sectarian violence; today, many mainstream Sunni and Shia are actively confronting the extremists.

So instead of having one type of sectarian violence, there’s now another type of sectarian violence? Progress, ain’t it grand?

Fifteen months ago, Americans were worried about the prospect of failure in Iraq; today, thanks to the surge, we’ve renewed and revived the prospect of success.

If Americans have stopped worrying about the prospects of failure in Iraq, they haven’t renewed the prospect of success, they’ve renewed their Xanax prescription.


Col. Combover needs to set and think a spell: “General Petraeus says he’ll need time to consolidate his forces and assess how this reduced American presence will affect conditions on the ground before making measured recommendations on further reductions. And I’ve told him he’ll have all the time he needs.” Also, could everybody kind of keep it down? It’s a little hard to assess with all the explosions and shooting and stuff.

“Our nation owes a special thanks to the soldiers and families who’ve supported this extended deployment.” Supported?

He explained that while you may think the Iraq War is really expensive, you are wrong because it’s actually cheap compared to the Cold War: “it is modest -- a modest fraction of our nation’s wealth -- and it pales when compared to the cost of another terrorist attack on our people.” 9/11! 9/11! 9/11! “We should be able to agree that this is a burden worth bearing.” No? Well then, we should be able to agree that kittens are cute.


GEE, I WONDER HOW THAT HAPPENED? “Iraq is the convergence point for two of the greatest threats to America in this new century -- al Qaeda and Iran.”

If we pull out, “violent extremists around the world would draw the same dangerous lesson that they did from our retreats in Somalia and Vietnam.”

“And while this war is difficult, it is not endless.” The sun’s gotta burn out sooner or later.

Adding some value to Bush’s knowledge

Today Bush signed the Second Chance Act, which is something about rehabilitating former prisoners through the power of Jebus.

IN OTHER WORDS: “The bill I’m signing today, the Second Chance Act of 2007, will build on work to help prisoners reclaim their lives. In other words, it basically says: We’re standing with you, not against you.”

He had a photo op with some people who work with former prisoners, but he couldn’t thank them: “I can’t thank the folks who care enough about a fellow citizen to offer their love and compassion.”

Later, he met Singapore’s Senior Minister Goh Chok Tong.

GOOOOOAAAAL! “And I also am so pleased that the trade agreement that we negotiated during our respective times was kicked in.”

DON’T FEAR THE VOICES: “We spent time on Burma and the need for the military regime there to understand that they shouldn’t fear the voices of people. And yet they do.”

Goh made a Bush-is-so-stupid joke, to general hilarity: “Then the President was interested in developments in Asia, so I was able to add some value to his knowledge -- (laughter) -- on Southeast Asia and on Asia.”

Bush also spent some time this morning searching for Lincoln’s gold.

Significant but uneven

Headline of the day (AP): “Brazil Opens Condom Factory to Protect the Amazon.”

McCain, in an email, accuses Clinton and Obama of calling for a “pre-emptive withdrawal” from Iraq. A pre-what-ive what now? He calls on them to “move beyond empty and destructive rhetoric”. Can rhetoric be both empty and destructive?

Speaking of empty and destructive, David Petraeus testified before Congress today. He says there has been “significant but uneven” progress in Iraq. Or possibly significantly uneven progress. Or unevenly significant progress.


There were protesters and everything.


Today Bush awarded a Medal of Honor to a dead Navy Seal (or as the Pentagon website puts it, a “fallen SEAL”) (Ew, the site just refreshed, with a picture of Bush crying). Bush let tears roll down his cheek without wiping them away until every photographer in the room got the shot.

Surge of sadness

Then he met with some visiting Afghan provincial governors. “I started off the meeting by telling them I was a governor once.” Then the governors told him how they were once warlords/drug barons/CIA assets/mujahadeen/all of the above.

They came with their own concerns: “Some provinces are quiet, and the governor wondered whether or not, because it’s quiet, people remember the people in the province exist.” Guys, most days Americans don’t remember that the people in Afghanistan exist.

BEING ABLE TO SEE: “And I shared with them our desire to help them succeed, because one of the things that really matters in democracy is that local governance is strong and good and honest, that the people are being able to see the benefits of democracy.”

Holy rogue’s gallery, Batman!

Adam suggests in a comment on yesterday’s post that Laura Bush looks like The Joker from Batman.


Dick Cheney is of course The Penguin (one could also make the case for his being Mr. Freeze). Which I guess makes Condi The Catwoman. But who’s The Riddler? John Yoo?

CONTEST: match Bat-villains with Bush administration members, past or present. Give reasons if necessary. (That Wikipedia entry has a note on top saying “The neutrality of this article is disputed.” The mind boggles.)

We got a meat packer

Today Bush met with some small business owners. “We got a meat packer, an apple processor, we’ve got a grinder, a large equipment manufacturer, education man.” Worst. Porno. Ever.

They’re all making investments, thanks to the stimulus package. “And that’s important, because in times of economic uncertainty, we want people making investment, so when a person buys an apple press, somebody is going to have to manufacture that press. When somebody manufactures that press, it means there’s more likely to be work and income.” And sweet refreshing apple cider! Hooray! George has an MBA, you know.

Bush also made another little speech in favor of the free-trade treaty with Colombia. He says that Uribe has addressed every issue raised by American congresscritters: “He’s addressed violence by demobilizing tens of thousands of paramilitary figures and fighters.” That is, he granted amnesty to right-wing death squads. “He’s addressed attacks on trade unionists by stepping up funding for prosecutions, establishing an independent prosecutors unit, and creating a special program that protects labor activists.” Of course to prosecute, you actually have to catch the killers, which never ever happens in Colombia (11 trade unionists were murdered last month, 700 since 2001). “If this isn’t enough to earn America’s support, what is?” Oh, what indeed?

No speech about Colombia is complete without a few swipes at Hugo Chavez. “Colombia also faces a hostile and anti-American regime in Venezuela which has met with FARC terrorist leaders [at Uribe’s request, Bush doesn’t mention], and deployed troops to the Colombian border as a means of intimidating the Colombian government and its people.” That would be right after Colombia assassinated a FARC leader inside Ecuador.

The Bush-Putin summit: We spent a lot of time in our relationship trying to get rid of the Cold War

Bush and Putin have spent the weekend together. And while Vlad was clearly psyched about it,


and Laura was clearly on psychotropic drugs about it,


it’s unclear that much was accomplished, although Bush talked as if some sort of major breakthrough – he used the word – had occurred on the subject of missile defense, although Putin said “Our fundamental attitude to the American plans have not changed.” (The translator is taking his or her grammar hints from Bush.)

There was talk about creating “confidence-building and transparency” around the program, which Bush seems to think will result in Russian acquiescence, which obviously won’t ever happen, especially since the sort of confidence-building and transparency Russia is asking for is the stationing of Russian military personnel at the sites in the Czech Republic and Poland on a permanent basis, which is an obvious non-starter in those countries, which have already rejected the idea out of hand. But Bush thinks he can convince them to disregard decades (the Czech Republic) or centuries (Poland) of history: “[I]t’s important for the leaders in those countries -- and I’ve discussed the issue with them -- to understand that Russia is not an enemy, Russia is somebody with whom we need to work.”


Still, Bush says that his proposals “will be important and useful in ensuring [sic]* Russia concerns.” The asterisk leads to a note from the transcriber that Bush really meant to say “assuaging.” Sure he did.

HAVE YOU TRIED PUTTING IT ON E-BAY? “We spent a lot of time in our relationship trying to get rid of the Cold War. It’s over. It ended.”


WHAT RUSSIA HAVE: “The United States has suffered terrorist attacks on its soil, as have Russia.”

BUSH REMEMBERS FULL WELL: “And I will tell you, there’s been no firmer person in the world who understands the threat of radicalism, and the capacity of these radicals and extremists to murder the innocent people. I remember full well when that happened on your soil.” You know, that thing. That happened. On the soil.

WHAT THE LAST BUSH-PUTIN SUMMIT PROVES: “It’s a moment where it just proves life moves on.”


WHAT YOU HAVE A LOT OF TIMES IN POLITICS: “A lot of times in politics you have people look you in the eye and tell you what’s not on their mind.”

He also met Puppet-President-Elect Medvedev, who evidently passed the Stanford-Binet-Chimpy test: “And so my first impressions are very positive -- smart fellow.”

Bush and God and hats in Croatia

Bush gave a not hugely interesting speech in the central square in Zagreb.


I don’t much like it when he claims to enunciate American religious beliefs when he’s in America, but it’s especially obnoxious when he does so abroad: “Our countries are separated by thousands of miles, but we’re united by a deep belief in God and the blessings of liberty He gave us.” Worst geometry problem ever: if the distance between the US and Croatia is thousands of miles, and the belief in God and the blessings of liberty He gave us is 17 feet deep, what is the volume...


He then judged the Silliest National Costume (Balkans Division) competition. As always, it’s all about the hats. Little-known fact: the Bosnian civil war was fought entirely over the question of whether the homburg should have a little feather or not.

Tigers and the people who love them

Follow-up: a while back I mentioned the Argentinian woman who was stolen at birth from her parents, prisoners killed during the Dirty War, and who sued her adoptive parents. They were just sentenced to 8 and 7 years in prison, and the army captain who gave them the stolen baby got 10 years.

Reuters: “A tiger devoured a mentally ill man who entered its cage in a zoo in northeast China... It was reported that ‘only two legs and his skull were left’. His parents said he loved tigers.” And vice versa.

If you can think of other appropriately tasteless jokes about that news story, far be it for me to stop you putting them in comments.

Bush and his hanger-oners at the NATO conference and in Croatia

News story lead sentence of the day (Reuters): “Kikwete of Tanzania has condemned witchdoctors who kill albinos and harvest their body parts in the hope that they will bring prosperity.”

Stupid Hollywood remake idea of the week: Short Circuit.

The NATO summit finished up today. Bush made many friends.


Since no one would talk to him, he went back to his best friend: booze.


Much better.

Before he left, he met with Romanian Prime Minister Popescu-Tăriceanu, his good (but not great) friend: “We just had a great -- we had a good meeting, because we’re good friends.”

He thanked Popescu-Tăriceanu for hosting the summit: “It’s not easy to host as many automobiles, body guards, world leaders, hanger-oners as you did.” Is Condi a hanger-oner? Laura?

However he did upbraid the PM for not arranging a proper tribute for him: “I didn’t have quite the dramatic rainbow scene this time as I did the first time I came”.

HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW: He apologized for American visa policy towards Romanians: “Our Congress passed new law -- it frankly wasn’t as good as I thought it should be, but nevertheless, it is the law of the land, because I signed it into law.”

From there, it was on to Zagreb. A few more drinks on the plane turned him from a happy drunk into a sullen drunk. (Or possibly into Richard Nixon. Doesn’t he look like Nixon?)


“Okay George, very good, now your left foot. No, your other left.”

“Okay George, almost there, just a little lower. No, George, there’s only one hand. How could I be holding out three hands? Just shake it already.”

“Just stand right here. Try not to fall over.”

If he only had a good meeting with his good friend Călin Popescu-Tăriceanu, he had a great one with Croatian President Mesic, who gave him a drink.



Bonus NATO summit picture:

“Peace, baby.”

Bush at the NATO summit: Clearly remembering evil’s face

Bush is attending the MATO NATO summit. Today he made a little speech in which he called NATO “the most successful alliance in history on behalf of human freedom.” Define successful. Also freedom. And history. And human.

He welcomed the invitation extended to Albania, Croatia and Macedonia (well, two out of three) to join NATO, because they “all know the difference between good and evil, because they clearly remember evil’s face.” That’s just rude; you know how sensitive evil is about its appearance.

That was two out of three because Greece is once again blocking Macedonia because of its fucking name. Bush says “The name issue needs to be resolved quickly”. A little late for that: Greece has been pulling this shit since 1992 in one of the longest and silliest temper tantrums in diplomatic history.

Making friends and influencing people: Bush with the Macedonian president and prime minister, with Georgian president Saakashvili, Angela Merkel, and Gordon Brown.

To love one’s country is to love one’s countrymen, if you know what I mean

The latest John McCain ad (2:47):



Admit it: after all that homoerotic talk about the love of fighting men for each other, the repeated use of the word “glory” made you add “-hole” in your mind.

Peace in the Middle East, one dirt mound at a time

Finally, a definition of the 50 “roadblocks” in the West Bank which Condi so fulsomely praised Israel for promising to remove. They are dirt mounds. Israel has now taken what they call the “concrete step” of removing those 50 dirt mounds (of course before they agreed to remove 50 of the mounds, they added 30).

On Fox News yesterday, Holy Joe Lieberman defended McCain confusing (slash lying about) Shiite and Sunni as “mis-speaking,” not one minute after himself saying, “If we did what Sen. Obama wanted us to do last year, Al-Qaeda in Iran would be in control of Iraq today.” (h/t Matt Browner Hamlin).

Thief of the day: In Spain, a burglar broke into a funeral parlor, but was overheard. When the police arrived, he pretended to be a corpse, but was caught because 1) he wasn’t in a coffin, 2) he was in dirty work clothes, 3) he was breathing.

Priest of the day: In Florence, a priest gained £3m through fake exorcisms. That’s the sort of thing that ruins it for the real exorcists. The priest denies that he practiced exorcism without... wait for it... a license.

Headline of the day, from the Times: “Teenage Thai Ladyboys Warned over £65 Castrations.”

In Europe, Bush learns that, as is so often the case, it’s all about the hats.

Bush in Romania: An ambition mission

Today Bush arrived in Bucharest for the NATO summit. Or as he called it, “MATO.” He is still talking about how five years ago he saw a rainbow: “And then the clouds parted, and a rainbow appeared in the sky -- heralding a new day for this nation, and the Atlantic Alliance she was about to join.”

AMBITION MISSION: “Afghanistan is the most daring and ambition [sic] mission in the history of NATO.”

NATO’S WAR WITH NATO: “Our Alliance must maintain its resolve and finish the fight in NATO.” (He meant Afghanistan).

NOT NECESSARILY GOOD ONES, BUT WHY SPLIT HAIRS? “The surge has produced results across Iraq.”

RELATIONSHIP COUNSELOR: “We’re working toward a new security relationship with Russia whose foundation does not rest on the prospect of mutual annihilation.”

DRACULA! “The Romanian people have seen evil in their midst -- and they’ve seen evil defeated.”

Later, he held a press conference with Romanian President Basescu.

IN OUT INTEREST TO HELP SUCCEED: “But in this case, it’s in our interest to help succeed because we don’t want an enemy that has been known to attack people -- nations in our Alliance to be able to develop safe haven again, to be able to use a launching pad like Afghanistan to plot, plan and attack.”

President Basescu stepped in to give a, um, variant on that theme: “Sure, we have a extremely clear idea if we don’t keep the terrorists in Afghanistan, if we let them free, they’ll come in Europe, they’ll come in United States.”

THE POTENTIAL OF THE BLACK SEA: “I take the advice of the President on the Black Sea. ... he loves the Black Sea. And he understands the potential of the Black Sea.”


DOUBLE PROMOTION: “We need to promote the scenario where you can promote energy independence. All nations ought to have a variety of sources of energy from which to choose, so it’s never become captured by a single supplier.”

WHAT HE WILL MAKE CLEAR TO PUTIN: He noted that he will meet Putin for “our last face-to-face meeting as a presidency”. “Look, I’m going to meet with President Putin to make it clear to him the Cold War is over”. In case he didn’t get the memo.

Bush in the Ukraine: Democracies are good things to have on your border

In the Ukraine (which as far as this blog is concerned still takes the article), Bush had a joint press conference with President Viktor Yushchenko, who as far as this blog is concerned is still “Pock-Faced Mr. Y.”


WHAT BUSH AND POCK-FACED MR. Y SPENT A LOT OF TIME TALKING ABOUT: “And President Yushchenko and I understand that democracies are the best partners for peace and security in every part of the world. So we spent a lot of time talking about NATO.”


PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE FLAGS (waved by Ukrainians protesting plans to join NATO): “Just because there was a bunch of, you know, Soviet-era flags in the street yesterday doesn’t -- you shouldn’t read anything into that.”

A CLEAR SIGNAL: “And my stop here is -- should be a clear signal to everybody that I mean what I say, and that is, I mean that it’s in our interest for Ukraine to join. And so, therefore, one should -- but you ought to take more than my stop -- more from my stop than just a -- trying to send a signal on NATO.”


WHAT PUTIN SHOULDN’T FEAR, AND WHAT ARE GOOD THINGS TO HAVE ON YOUR BORDER: “I told that to President Putin on my phone call with him recently. I said, you just got to know, I’m headed to Bucharest with the idea in mind of getting MAP for Ukraine and Georgia, and you shouldn’t fear that, Mr. President. After all, NATO is a organization that’s peaceful, or NATO is an organization that helps democracies flourish. Democracies are good things to have on your border.” Which is it, George? NATO is “a” organization, or NATO is “an” organization? Pick a side, we’re at war!


WHAT MISSILES FROM THE MIDDLE EAST COULD JUST AS EASILY DO: “And on the second point, on missile defense, it’s in his interests that we participate and share information. After all, a missile from the Middle East can fly north just as easily as it could fly west...” Yeah; fucking MapQuest! “...and the capacity to be able to share information and share technology to be able to deal with these threats is important for a lot of countries, including Russia.”


WHAT CONDI AND BOB DID IN RUSSIA: “That’s what Condi Rice and Bob Gates spent time doing when they were there in Russia, and that is to defuse any notions that this is aiming something at somebody in Europe. This is all aiming to protect people in Europe.” We aim to please.


WHAT WE’RE DEALING WITH: “We’re dealing with a lot of history and a lot of suspicion throughout governments.”

WHAT PUTIN HAS BEEN: “He’s a -- you know, he’s a person that has been a strong leader for Russia.”


The US Secret Service searches performers for weapons.


Dude! They’ve got spears. Spears! In their hands!

The guilty abroad

Bush has arrived in Kiev, where he is given the traditional Ukrainian greeting of bread and salt. Never has a man looked so perplexed by bread and salt.



(Update: the White House website captions this picture, “President George W. Bush acknowledges the taste of bread”.)

McCain’s daddy issues

Today McCain talked about how every single one of his (male) ancestors has served in the military, killing people for their country. He said that when he was a POW, his father “prayed on his knees every night for my safe return. ... Yet, when duty required it, he gave the order for B-52s to bomb Hanoi, in close proximity to my prison.” You know, if my father had dropped bombs in close proximity to me, I wouldn’t be praising his patriotism, I would consider him a bit of a douche. Of course my father wasn’t in the military, he was in accounting, so I’d also really have to wonder what he was doing with all those bombs. And for that matter, what I was doing in a prison in Hanoi.

(Little artistic license there: my father was not actually in accounting.)

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson held a press conference to propose rejiggering financial regulatory bodies (and preempting state regulation of securities and industry). Which means it’s time for another instalment of our ongoing series, “Everything You Need to Know About the Economy You Can Tell By the Expression on Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s Face.”

Not coming to insert American ideas into this process

Totally sincere political statement of the week: Barack Obama: “My attitude is that Senator Clinton can run as long as she wants.”

CONDI GOT NO IDEAS: Condi, in Israel: “I’m not coming to insert American ideas into this process.”

She has been trumpeting, because it’s the only thing she has to show for her latest visit to the Middle East, an agreement by Israel to ease movement in the West Bank by eliminating 50 roadblocks. Not the checkpoints, which will be “upgraded,” just roadblocks. Reporters in her press pool, sensing that the term had been simply made up in order to make Israel look good by agreeing to remove 50 of them without relieving the burden on Palestinian travelers in the tiniest bit, repeatedly tried to get her to define just exactly what constitutes a roadblock, and she rather clearly had no idea. Er, did I say clearly?:

Let me just explain, though, that the whole point here is not to try and isolate and say we remove that or remove that. The whole point here is to have an integrated approach that looks at the security, looks at the movement and access issues, and looks at the potential for economic prospects, and then comes up with concrete steps that can move all three together in an integrated fashion. ...

General Fraser will be following up on the specifics and will be also -- the term that he uses is not verifying, but making certain that, in fact, there are 50 and that they are being removed and that they, in fact, have some impact on the access issue. ...

But the question is not just a category -- roadblocks or checkpoints -- but what does it do to allow people to move freely. ...

But again, we’re trying to take an approach that is consistent with security, movement and economic development so that it’s not just -- so that it’s not just remove something that may not have any effect or that may adversely affect security but is not really critical to economic activity. It really is an effort now to put these three elements together and to make decisions on that basis.

(Update: the Guardian says there are now 580 roadblocks.)

Consternation and concern and care

In the afternoon, Bush went to a company called Novadebt in New Jersey, which gives mortgages advice, and wandered amongst the cubicles.

WE HAVE GOT A ISSUE: “And the reason why I’m here is because we have got a issue in housing in America.”


IN OTHER WORDS: “The value of the houses have gone down in some areas, and people’s mortgages are resetting. In other words, the interest rates are going up.”

OO, ALLITERATION: “And that has caused consternation and concern and care.” Oh my.


He also met some of the people who have received mortgage advice, including one Danny Cerchiaro, a New Jersey name if ever I heard one.

BECAME WORKING: “He got -- he called HOPE NOW, and he became working with a mortgage counselor named Penny Meredith.”

WHAT WAS THAT NUMBER AGAIN? “And I want my fellow citizens, if you’re worried about your home, to call this number: 188-995-HOPE [sic]. Let me repeat that again: 188-995-HOPE [sic].”