This will be your only present soon

Many of the older internet users will have fond memories of a website in Switzerland where you could plug in text and have it translated into “jive.” Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Dialectizer, which does that and more. Here is the 1st paragraph of George Bush’s weekly radio address, rendered into Redneck:

Good mo'nin'. This hyar week, ah met wif intrepreneurs an' wawkers in Ohio an' Noo Yawk, an' talked t'them about how we are stren'thenin' South Car'lina's economah. On over th' past three years, South Car'lina's economah has faced a series of challenges: stock market decline, recesshun, terro'ist attacks, co'po'ate scan'als, an' th' unsartinties of war. Mah administrashun cornfronted them challenges squarely, an' acked boldly. We redooced taxes on families an' small businesses, we encouraged noo investment an' we is seein' th' results.

Jive:

Good mo'nin'. Dis week, ah' met wid entrepreneurs and wo'kers in Ohio and New Yo'k, and raped t'dem about how we are strengdenin' America's economy. Slap mah fro! Ova' de past dree years, America's economy gots faced some series uh challenges, dig dis: stock market decline, recession, terro'ist attacks, co'po'ate scandals, and da damn uncertainties of war. Ah be baaad... Mah' administrashun confronted dose challenges squarely, and acted boldly. Slap mah fro! We reduced taxes on families and small businesses, we encouraged new investment and we's seein' de results.

Cockney:

Good mornin'. Cor blimey guv! This week, I met wiv entrepreneurs and workers in Ohio and New York, right, and went on ter ffem about 'ow we are strengffenin' America's economy. Over the past free years, America's economy 'as faced a series of challenges: stock market decline, recession, terrorist attacks, right, corporate scandals, right, and the bloody uncertainties of war. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Me administration confronted them challenges squarely, and acted boldly. We reduced taxes on families and wee businesses, we encouraged new investment and we're seein' the results.

Elmer Fudd:

Good mowning. Dis week, I met wif entwepweneuws and wowkews in Ohio and New Yowk, and tawked to them about how we awe stwengthening Amewica's economy. Ovew the past thwee yeaws, Amewica's economy has faced a sewies of chawwenges: stock mawket decwine, wecession, tewwowist attacks, cowpowate scandaws, and the uncewtainties of waw. My administwation confwonted those chawwenges sqwawewy, and acted bowdwy. We weduced taxes on famiwies and smaww businesses, we encouwaged new investment and we'we seeing the wesuwts. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!

Pig Latin (suddenly it makes sense):

Oodgay orningmay. Isthay eekway, Iyay etmay ithway entrepreneursyay andyay orkersway inyay Ohioyay andyay Ewnay Yorkay, andyay alkedtay otay emthay aboutyay owhay eway areyay engtheningstray America'syay economyyay. Overyay ethay astpay eethray yearsay, America'syay economyyay ashay acedfay ayay eriessay ofyay allengeschay: ockstay arketmay eclineday, ecessionray, erroristtay attacksyay, orporatecay andalsscay, andyay ethay uncertaintiesyay ofyay arway. Ymay administrationyay onfrontedcay osethay allengeschay uarelysqay, andyay actedyay oldlybay. Eway educedray axestay onyay amiliesfay andyay allsmay usinessesbay, eway encouragedyay ewnay investmentyay andyay e'reway eeingsay ethay esultsray.

Swedish chef (huh?):

Guud murneeng. Thees veek, I met veet intrepreneoors und vurkers in Ooheeu und Noo Yurk, und telked tu zeem ebuoot hoo ve-a ere-a strengzeeneeng Emereece's icunumy. Bork bork bork! Oofer zee pest three-a yeers, Emereece's icunumy hes feced a sereees ooff chellenges: stuck merket decleene-a, recesseeun, terrureest ettecks, curpurete-a scundels, und zee uncerteeenties ooff ver. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! My edmeenistreshun cunffrunted thuse-a chellenges sqooerely, und ected buldly. Bork bork bork! Ve-a redooced texes oon femeelies und smell booseenesses, ve-a incuooreged noo infestment und ve're-a seeeeng zee resoolts. Um gesh dee bork, bork!

Another option was “moron,” but why gild the lily? Here’s the link, knock yourselves out:
http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/
And if you’re still getting any work done, here’s the Random Masturbation Synonym Generator.

The Post jumps in on the story of the actuary who was ordered not to give Congress the true estimates (did I just say true estimates?) for the costs of Medicare. He was told to "cease responding directly to Congress". The guy who threatened to fire him now says it was said in jest. Of course it was. This isn’t just lying, this is a violation of separation of powers, it is the sort of thing that makes our system of government unworkable. In short, if Bush personally knew about this, it would be an impeachable offense.

While elsewhere in DC, the Washington Times actually conducted a survey which purports to show that 60% of respondents think that Kerry would be the preferred presidential choice of terrorists (Bush 25%).

Cal. State Senator “Pete” Knight, who wrote the anti-gay-marriage initiative that passed in 2000, turns out to have a gay son (all anti-gay activists have gay children, following the Iron Law of Irony). I think you know where this one is going...

Be vewwy vewwwy quiet: NATO forces in Bosnia put up posters for Ratko Mladic’s birthday, with pictures of handcuffs, saying “This will be your only present soon.” No word on what NATO sent him on the other 8 birthdays he’s celebrated while they’ve been hunting him down.

Lebensraum: the raccoon population of Germany has hit 1 million, and growing rapidly. They were introduced into the country by Goering in 1934. Meanwhile, native rabbits are dying out.

The Bushies are trying to get Jamaica to expel Aristide, and should really shut up.

So if ETA planted the bombs in Madrid, the right wing benefits in tomorrow (Sunday)’s elections, and if it’s Al Qaida, the left wing benefits. But if the government lies and says it’s ETA when it isn’t, and the left is unwilling to start accusing them of it while the bodies are still being buried, which means waiting until after they lose the election...? The government, of course, has no such compunctions, and has been bombarding newspapers with calls insisting it’s ETA. I’m not sure how close the election was before, but Al Qaida may just have ensured the reelection of another right-wing government.

A quote from Desmond Tutu: “When the missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said: "Let us pray." We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.”