A well-regulated militia

Iraq’s Vice President Tariq al-Hashemi says that since the Iraqi government can’t protect Iraqis, as was amply demonstrated over and over this weekend, “the people have no choice but to take up their own defense.” He says the government should hand out weapons to communities and “regulate their use by rules of behavior.” Rules of behavior? Why has no one thought of this before? It’s so crazy it just might work!

The Bushes returned to the White House from Camp David. After all that fishing, George seems to be having some trouble getting his land legs back. You know there’s a problem when Laura’s the most lifelike one in the picture.



Many couples decided that 7/7/07 was an especially auspicious day to get married. These seven lucky couples entered an essay contest and won marriage ceremonies at a Six Flags amusement park performed, I guess, by the Rev. Bugs Bunny.


And just for the hell of it, here are a couple of pictures I took earlier. A few minutes later she threw up about a foot to the right.

It would be a mess

Yesterday, Gen. Rick Lynch, Military Moron, who says he is “blessed to command Multinational Division Center and Task Force Marne,” gave a press briefing via satellite. Blessed?

The goal of Task Force Marne (is “Operation Marne Torch” named after the river in France or the incredibly bloody Battle of the Marne in World War I?), he says, is to “block accelerants of violence into Baghdad”. What might those be? “Accelerants are defined as anything -- insurgents, weapons, materiel, IEDs, VBIEDs, ideology, anything -- that, left uncontrolled, would affect the security in Baghdad.” Oddly, he talked about how many caches of weapons and IEDs they’ve been finding, but not so much about stockpiles of ideology. And you know how dangerous that stuff is left uncontrolled.

Military codename of the day: Operation Stampede 3.

I think I’ve said before, Lynch loves to talk about “my battlespace.” He gets positively tingly. He said it eight times during the briefing, and “our battlespace” five times.

He also enjoys talking about “detailed kinetic strikes.” Which is something to do with killing people.

Operation Marne Torch is all about location, location, location: “We have taken real estate from the insurgents, and will now hold on to this terrain until competent, capable Iraqi security forces can provide the sustained security presence that’ll keep the extremists away from the people of Iraq and from the government.” That’s the problem with these real estate deals. You acquire this “prime” piece of real estate, thinking that some competent, capable prospective buyers will just show up and take it off your hands, and then you wait, and you wait, and you wait....

He says he “senses” a “growing discontent” among Iraqis with Al Qaida, which he believes has “worn out its welcome.” He’s just jealous that they got a welcome, and we’re still waiting for the flowers and dancing in the streets we were supposed to be greeted with in 2003.

He touted his “economic engagement strategy,” which entails giving funds to state-owned businesses (gasp! socialism!), which could give jobs to as many as 2,800 military-age males (sorry, gals!). “Now, you might say that’s not a big number, but that’s 2,800 people who aren’t going to be planting IEDs, because they got proper employment.” What, they couldn’t do it on the weekends? And is he saying that they’ll only be hiring people who write “planting IEDs” on the form under “previous job experience”? Or maybe that every single unemployed man is an insurgent?

There will also be a “scrap metal initiative,” because, for some reason, “there’s a lot of scrap metal in Iraq”.

Some of the reporters asking questions had names like Courtney Kube and Mike Mount and Guy Raz.

Some of the reporters had clearly been covering the military just a little too long. Mike Mount of CNN asked, “Do you have any MRAPs in your AOR?” I don’t know what it means to have MRAPs in your AOR, but it sounds incredibly dirty. Sadly, Lynch replied that he has no MRAPs, but “we’re all excited about getting the MRAPs.”

Asked what would happen if the “surge” troops were brought home, Lynch said (three times), “It would be a mess.”

My battlespace, all mine!

This moment is a test

In his weekly radio address, Bush took the Congressional Democrats to task for ignoring his budget requests (just as when Republicans controlled Congress, he acted as if Democratic congresscritters were irrelevant, he now does the same for Republicans, saying, for example, “I urge Democrats in Congress to step forward now and pass these bills...”).

“This moment is a test,” he says. And if there’s one thing George Bush enjoys, it’s, um, a test. And he doesn’t think the Dems are going to pass, accusing them of “working to bring back the failed tax-and-spend policies of the past” and saying that “By failing to do the work necessary to pass these important bills by the end of the fiscal year, Democrats are failing in their responsibility to make tough decisions and spend the people’s money wisely.” The D’s failed twice in that sentence! What incredible failures they are!

But he generously offered extra credit: “Democrats have a chance to prove they are for open and transparent government by working to complete each spending bill independently and on time.” How does “open and transparent government” enter into this? Also, why is he insisting that each appropriations bill be passed “independently” and “one at a time”?

It is time to restore that fear

Another Joe Lieberman Wall Street Journal op-ed article. Hands up, anyone whose mind has been changed, or who knows anyone whose mind has been changed, or has heard a rumor of anyone whose mind has been changed, by the surgical application of logic, the devastating deployment of expert knowledge and keen insight and rapier-like wit that mark all such offerings from the distinguished senator from the Connecticut for Lieberman Party.

He has abandoned all attempts to convince us that we’re winning in Iraq or that we can and will establish a democratic utopia there. No, now it’s all about Iran and the need not to send a “message throughout the region that Iran is on the rise and America is on the run.”

To prove that Iran is behind all of our military woes, he cites one Gen. Kevin Bergner, who earlier this week claimed that Iran’s secret agents are funding Hezbollah’s secret agents who are doing bad things in Iraq. He knows all about this because they caught some Lebanese guy in Iraq in March, who’s been a member of Hezbollah for 24 years and this terrorist mastermind kept... wait for it... a diary.

Incidentally, Holy Joe massaged Gen. Bergner’s claims a little bit. Where Bergner said that Iran trains 20 to 60 Iraqi insurgents at a time, Lieberman says “up to 60,” and where Bergner said that Iran sends $750,000 to $3 million a month to the insurgents, Lieberman says, “Iran has also funded its Iraqi proxies generously, to the tune of $3 million a month.” Somehow I failed to gasp in horror. Holy Joe, who gasps in horror at the perfidy of Muslims six times before breakfast, says that Iran plans with this rather modest investment to push the US out of both Iraq and Afghanistan, and “dominate” those countries through its “proxies.”

Iran, “by its actions, has all but declared war on us and our allies in the Middle East.” He says they believe they can operate “without fear of retaliation. It is time to restore that fear, and to inject greater doubt into the decision-making of Iranian leaders about the risks they are now running.”

Restoring fear is, of course, Holy Joe’s raison d’être, his work and his hobby and his constant joy. The people he would really like to restore fear to are members of Congress (the article really isn’t aimed at the general public at all). He believes that focusing on “the fanatical regime in Tehran” will restore a little fear, or at least make them a little less relieved at the prospect of extricating ourselves from the slaughter: “I hope the new revelations about Iran’s behavior will also temper the enthusiasm of some of those in Congress who are advocating the immediate withdrawal of U.S. forces from Iraq.” Temper that enthusiasm! It emboldens Iran, which “is betting that our political disunity in Washington will constrain us in responding to its attacks.” In other words, Pete Domenici is an agent of Iran. I’ll bet it says that somewhere in that diary. Has anyone checked?

Unclear on the concept

A panel of the US Circuit Court in Cincinnati dismisses an ACLU suit against Bush’s program of warrantless wiretapping, saying the plaintiffs lacked standing because they couldn’t prove that they’d been subjected to the secret surveillance. Yeah, that was kind of the whole point of the lawsuit.

Chris Floyd refers to “gangster moll Tony Blair.” I wish I’d said that.

New York Magazine competition, 10/18/82, a familiar line, title etc, updated and downgraded by the insinuation of a trendy [in 1982, anyway] word or phrase:

To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.

When shall we three interface again?

Something is grody to the max in the state of Denmark.

Give me liberty or gag me with a spoon.

Cry “God for Harry! England and Saint George! Go for it!”

Take a number, Satan.

Is this a dagger which I see before me, or what?

Beware of Greeks bearing free gifts.

Hi! Call me Ishmael.

Love is visually impaired.

What airheads these mortals be.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, check this out.


The complete collection of New York comps here.

He thought it was slimming

Abdul Aziz, the head of the radical Red Mosque in Pakistan from which female students have been sallying out to kidnap alleged prostitutes, raid record stores and generally act as a Taliban-style religious police, and which has been in an armed stand-off with police, was captured precisely the way all such men should be captured – attempting to run away disguised in a burqa. Police spotted him because the students he was using as cover were teenage girls in burqas, and he was a tall dude with a pot belly in a burqa.


Best picture I could find. I’m as disappointed with it as you are.

It’s our calling to keep the pressure on these people

It’s the 4th of July, and George Bush gave a little speech about the need to kill foreigners thousands of miles away. I’m pretty sure Jefferson put something about that somewhere in the Declaration of Independence. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of Osama bin Laden.

Remember, no matter how many times words like freedom and liberty vomit from the chimp-like mouth of George W. Bush, they’re still good things. It may, however, be a while before we can hear them without flinching.

Bush gave his speech in West Virginia, where for some reason he spends most of his 4ths of July (if that is the correct plural). He says it’s because “I love coming to your state because it’s a state full of decent, hardworking, patriotic Americans, unlike those losers in Vermont.” I may have made up that last bit. Bush, by the way, has never been to Vermont as president.

For symbolic reasons, he always addresses military audiences, in this case the West Virginia Air National Guard. He spoke in a maintenance hangar, which I like to think was also symbolic.


He said, “I enjoyed reciting the Pledge of Allegiance with some of the children from our military families. I thought they handled their task quite well.”


And then he asked them who that Richard Stands fella was.

IN OTHER EXACTLY THE SAME WORDS: “More than two decades [sic] later, it is hard to imagine the Revolutionary War coming out any other way – but at the time, America’s victory was far from certain. In other words, when we celebrated the first 4th of July celebration, our struggle for independence was far from certain.”

SOME? NAMES, WE WANT NAMES: “Because in this war, we face dangerous enemies who have attacked us here at home. Oh, I know the passage of time has convinced some -- maybe convinced some that danger doesn’t exist.”

NOT JUST A FACE FOR LIBERTY, BUT THE GREATEST FACE FOR LIBERTY: “In Afghanistan -- where I know some of you have been deployed and some of you are deployed -- we removed a regime that gave sanctuary and support to al Qaeda as they planned the 9/11 attacks which killed nearly 3,000 citizens. They found safe haven. That’s what they like. They like a place where they can plot and plan in relatively – in security, all aiming to come and harm the citizens of the greatest face for liberty in the world.”


WE DO? “We believe in an Almighty, we believe in the freedom for people to worship that Almighty. They don’t.”

A COLLECT CALL, NO DOUBT: “And it’s our charge, it’s our calling to keep the pressure on these people”.

He said that if the US leaves Iraq, Al Qaeda will be able to “establish their safe haven from which... to plan and plot attacks against the United States.” It’s always plan and plot (or sometimes plot and plan), isn’t it? Aren’t those pretty much the same thing?

They would also use Iraq’s oil to “exhort economic blackmail on those who didn’t kowtow to their wishes.” Another word Bush doesn’t know the meaning of: exhort.

Severe

Update: Japanese Defense Minister Kyuma resigns over saying that the Hiroshima & Nagasaki a-bombings “couldn’t be helped.”

Yesterday, Bush repeatedly called the Scooter Libby sentence excessive. Today, he twice referred to it as “severe,” an entirely subjective term.

Speaking of severe, this is what Bush said in 2000, defending never having used his power as governor to commute a death sentence: “I’m confident that every person that has been put to death in Texas, under my watch, has been guilty of the crime charged, and has had full access to the courts.”

Reuters: “The price of machetes has halved in parts of Nigeria since the end of general elections in April because demand from thugs sponsored by politicians has subsided.” Only $3 each. Don’t tell the McCain campaign about this.

This week a UN conference on strengthening the rule of law in Afghanistan was held in Kabul...

Ha ha, I didn’t fool you people for a second, did I? Of course it wasn’t held in Kabul, it was held in Rome.

... Anyway, at the conference US ambassador to the UN Zalmay Khalilzad said that “The rule of law is a key pillar for success” in Afghanistan. But when asked by a reporter about the increasing number of incidents in which US troops kill Afghan civilians, he dismissed that as just plain “unfortunate.” The subject of those deaths was not raised in the conference, which was after all about the rule of law in Afghanistan and what does mass murder have to do with that? Khalilzad said that “sometimes it happens that weapons go awry,” a sentence which distances the US from the civilians it kills by 1) making those deaths something that just, you know, happen sometimes, like fate, 2) suggesting that people don’t kill people, guns (and rockets and bombs and...) kill people, 3) implying that those weapons malfunctioned, when there is no evidence in any recent incident that they didn’t hit exactly what they were aimed at. He added, “war is not a perfect science, unfortunately.” Which I guess puts the lie to the notion that practice makes perfect.

Also, is it really unfortunate that war is not a perfect science? Discuss.

Scooter Libby and the war on excess

Bush has issued a statement about his commutation of Scooter Libby’s sentence. It’s rather weasely, listing arguments on both sides (“Critics of the investigation have argued... critics point out... critics say the punishment does not fit the crime... Others point out...”) and then failing to spell out which of those arguments informed his decision. All he actually says is that the sentence was “excessive,” which allows him to say that he “respects” the jury’s verdict, it’s just that stoopid judge who got it wrong.

The word excessive is actually rather non-specific. My computer’s dictionary defines excessive as “more than is necessary, normal, or desirable,” which are three quite different things. So was the sentence excessive because there should never have been a trial for obstruction because no one was charged with leaking Plame’s name (one of the things critics “point out”), or excessive because Scooter was a great guy whose “years of exceptional public service” (one hopes that the way Scooter “served” the public was an exception rather than the norm) merited mercy, or excessive because Bush considers the offence trivial? He doesn’t say wherein lies the excess.

Since some of that exceptional public service was conducted when he had the title Assistant to the President (which he held at the same time he was Cheney’s chief of staff), it was especially incumbent upon him to distance himself from Scooter’s actions rather more clearly.

When Russia and America speaks with, you know, along the same lines, it tends to have an effect

Bush and Putin did indeed go fishing. Putin caught one fish (which he let go), while Bush struck out again. George H. W. Bush again showed off the most hideous pants in the world.


Then they had what Bush called “a good, casual discussion on a variety of issues,” and then a press conference.

Talking about that fish, Putin diplomatically said that catching it was a “team effort” and undiplomatically said that credit should go to “the 42nd president of the United States.” That’s Clinton.

Bush said of Putin, “Here’s the thing when you’re dealing with a world leader, you wonder whether or not he’s telling the truth or not. I’ve never had to worry about that with Vladimir Putin... I know he’s always telling me the truth.”


The problem is, at the press conference at least, whoever was translating that “truth”... sucked. Either that or Putin spoke less intelligibly than Bush, which seems... unlikely. And by unlikely, I mean contrary to everything we know about the universe. Here is Putin talking about democracy in Russia: “The only thing that we would never, never accept is these tools -- this leverage being used to interfere into our domestic affairs to make us do things the way we would do not see fit.” Compare and contrast with Bush on the same subject: “And I remember part of my discussions with him about whether or not the -- you know, how -- the relations between the government and the press, you’ll be amazed to hear.” Amazed is not precisely the word that comes to mind.


On Iran, which Bush proclaimed was “in defiance of international norm,” Bush said, “And I have come to the conclusion that when Russia and America speaks with, you know, along the same lines, it tends to have an effect.” I know Bush has trouble with subject-verb agreement, but the use of the singular verb “speaks” seems like a telling slip: the US speaks, Russia should just nod in agreement.

And that ain’t happening:

Q: I still would like to know if you’re far apart on how tough the sanctions should be.

PRESIDENT BUSH: We’re close on recognizing that we’ve got to work together to send a common message.

That far apart, huh?

Update: whoops, forgot to include the closing exchange:

Q: Is Cheney a member of the executive branch?

PRESIDENT BUSH: I didn’t hear you.

You never know where they may try to strike

VITAL PRESIDENTIAL NEWS UPDATE: Bush caught no fish today.

Hey, guess what activity he has planned with Putin? Really, guess.

Did you guess fishing? That is correct.

A reporter named Mark (probably Mark Knoller of CBS) asked him to comment on the bombing attempts in “Britain and Scotland.” Bush replied sagely, “it just goes to show the war against these extremists goes on. You never know where they may try to strike.” Just like the fish.

“When I was a kid, Jeb used to push me down these stairs all the time. Yes, I did land on my head. Why do you ask?”


“No, I will not fetch you an ice tea, and for the last time, I’m not the fucking maid.”

“Dude, I know I brought flowers, but zip it up.”


“Really, dude, stop touching me. I am tiny, much like your penis, but I know judo.”

Burning bright

Guess what George Bush did today? More fishing, with Pop-Pop and Not-Jenna. And in what was in no way a metaphor, their boat’s anchor got stuck. I am absolutely not posting pictures of Chimpy fishing for a third day in a row. Na gunna dew it.

Holy Joe Lieberman, on ABC’s This Week, called for politicians to stop the “petty partisan fighting” and support warrantless wiretaps. He said the need for this was proved by the attempted bombings in Britain, which he seems to think were thwarted by electronic surveillance and all those security cameras they have in London now. Which they weren’t. (By the way, after first hearing on the tv about the attempt to blow up the London night club on tv, I was disappointed when I saw later in the newspapers that it’s named “Tiger Tiger” and not “Tyger Tyger.” Just me?)

He also said that the surge is working and the enemy is on the run. Or possibly the enemy is working and the surge is on the run.

Japanese Defense Minister Fumio Kyuma said yesterday that the US had good reasons to nuke Hiroshima and Nagasaki (he represents the latter in parliament), that it was “something that couldn’t be helped.” He said that he doesn’t hold a grudge against the US because of it. Jolly decent of him.

Today, Kyuma was forced to apologize, saying, “I am sorry that my remarks gave an impression that A-bomb victims were made light of.” Well they were turned into something, but I don’t think it was light.

Teach a moron to fish...

The Polish Ministry of Health has established a committee to “cure” homosexuals.

Civilians killed by the US in Afghanistan, civilians killed by the US in Iraq, and a series of failed terrorist attacks in Britain. So many things that I don’t feel like writing about. So let’s have some more pictures of The Bushes Go Fishing, Day 2, and then another old New York Magazine competition.

Today, Not-Jenna went along, wearing her fishing/cocktail dress. Shrub wore a jacket with the number 43 and a cap with a picture of his dog. Bush the Elder wore salmon-colored pants about which the less said the better. Not-Jenna caught one fish, George caught one fish and, in preparation for Putin’s arrival tomorrow, looked into its eyes and read its soul.








New York comp, 8/17/92, Famous First Words.

“Le Tot C’est Moi” – Louis XIV

“Dada” – Marcel Duchamp

“Birth, nascency, nativity...” Peter Mark Roget

“Is that a stethoscope in your pocket?” – Mae West

“The placenta is coming!
The placenta is coming!” – Paul Revere

“Booo!” – Stephen King

“Sum, ergo, cogito” - René Descartes

“Is this a rattle I see before me?” – Macbeth

“Mommy, I presume” – Henry Stanley

“I swam in water and it was warm and good” – Hemingway

The complete collection of NY comps here.

Old Doofus and the Sea

John McCain denied yesterday that he was dropping out. “Why in the world would I want to do that? It would be nuts.” I think you just answered your own question, senator.

And look, in my inbox, there’s another email from the McCain McCampaign, with yet more “Fun Facts About John McCain.” Evidently, the McCains own a lot of pets, including 4 dogs, a cat, 2 turtles, a bunch of fish and... a ferret. Maybe he can bring the ferret to the next Republican debate and taunt Giuliani with it. Then he can tell Romney exactly what it’s like to be forced into a small cage and have to defecate on yourself. In fact, the next debate should be sponsored by PETA.

Speaking of dumb animals...

Democratic debate: Trying to get black men to understand it is not unmanly to wear a condom

There was a Democratic presidential debate tonight. I fell asleep. To show how different bloggers are from normal people, I woke up while Kucinich was speaking.


The debate was at Howard University, the questioners were black, and the camera kept focusing on Al Sharpton in the audience, nodding his head or looking very stern indeed.


I amused myself trying to decide who the whitest candidate is. I would have a poll, but I strongly suspect you people would all vote that it’s Obama. Mike Gravel may have lost some points by not being entirely au fait on the terminology, referring to “black African-Americans,” and for saying that the war on drugs “does nothing but savage our inner cities,” possibly not the best choice of verb. He’s from Alaska, you know.


On the other hand, in the HIV/AIDS segment, Bill Richardson talked about the need to “penetrate” minority communities. Biden said he spent last summer in the black sections of town trying to get black men to wear condoms. It’s nice he has a hobby. Also, he said that he and Barack have both been tested for AIDS and there’s no shame in that (Obama’s over-speedy insistence that he got tested with his wife, not with Biden, undercut that message, though he put on a big smile to prove that he was going along with a joke rather than exhibiting homosexual panic).


Kucinich said that Michael Moore is right about the need to get insurance companies out of medicine, which might get him some attention on Fox on any other week than the one when Paris Hilton got out of jail. He also called for a constitutional amendment for equality in educational opportunity. I have no idea how that would work, and I doubt he does either.


Others brought their shop-worn slogans along. Edwards tried to work race into his “two nations” thing, and Hillary reassured us that “I really believe that it takes a village to raise a child”.


About the time I was nodding off, I could swear I heard Joe Biden say that we could repeal Bush’s tax cuts for the rich because... “they didn’t ask for it,” and they’re patriots who wouldn’t mind. But that would be a supremely silly thing to say, so I probably just dreamed it. At least I didn’t dream about him trying to convince Barack Obama to wear a condom.


There will be many, many, many more debates, which is good because so many questions remain unanswered. What’s up with Edwards’ yellow wrist band? And Gravel’s pants? And will I ever mention Chris Dodd in one of these posts?

Our military is undergoing through a lot of hard work and pressure

Today Bush went to the Naval War College in Rhode Island. He figured he might as well give it a try since he likes wars, though he doesn’t like colleges, and is pretty much neutral on navels (another thing he doesn’t much like, evidently, is Rhode Island; this is his first trip to the state as president). “The Naval War College,” he said, “is where the United States military does some of its finest thinking,” adding, “kind of like I do my finest thinking on the crapper.”

I may have made up that last part.

While sitting on the crapper.


Speaking of fine thinking: “Earlier this year, I laid out a new strategy for Iraq. I wasn’t pleased with what was taking place on the ground. I didn’t approve of what I was seeing. And so I called together our military and said, can we design a different strategy to succeed? And I accepted their recommendations. And this new strategy is different from the one were pursuing before.” So it’s different, is that what you’re saying?

He had maps and everything, just like Mitt Romney. “Let me begin with Anbar province. You can see here on the map, Anbar is a largely Sunni province that accounts for nearly a third of Iraqi territory. It’s a big place. ... It was al Qaeda’s chief base of operations in Iraq. Remember, when I mention al Qaeda, they’re the ones who attacked the United States of America and killed nearly 3,000 people on September the 11th, 2001. They’re part of the enemy. They’re extremists and radicals who try to impose their view on the world.”

Yes, Bush really felt that he needed to explain, at the Naval War College, what Al Qaida is.

IN OTHER WORDS: “According to a captured document -- in other words, according to something that we captured from al Qaeda -- they had hoped to set up its -- a government in Anbar.”

Back to the maps: “To the north of Baghdad, our forces have surged into Diyala province. The primary focus is the provincial capital of Baqubah, which is just an hour’s car ride from Baghdad.” Even less if Mitt Romney is driving – that guy doesn’t stop for pee breaks. “There, masked gunmen enforce their brutal rule with prisons and torture chambers and punish crimes like smoking.”

Just like California, then.

“Extremists in many of these areas are being confronted by U.S. and Iraqi forces for the first time in three years. We can expect determined resistance. They don’t like to be confronted.”

Just like California, then.


Speaking of confrontational behaviour: “Last week our commanders reported the killing of two senior al Qaeda leaders north of Baghdad -- one who operated a cell that helped move foreign fighters into Iraq, and another who served as a courier for the same cell.”

Senior Al Qaida leader = courier.

Senior Al Qaida leader = guy who helped his friends move.

“In the mixed Shia-Sunni neighborhood of Rashid, our foot patrols discovered a wall with two Arabic sentences spray-painted on them. It’s just a small example. It certainly didn’t get any news, but it says, ‘Yes, yes to the new security plan. No difference between Shia and Sunni.’” It didn’t get any news because the left-wing media is biased against... well, possibly they didn’t want to take their lives in their hands to report on graffiti.

“[T]he Iraqis have got to be making tough decisions towards reconciliations.” What, the graffiti wasn’t enough?

“I speak to the Prime Minister and I speak to the Presidency Council quite often, and I remind them we expect the government to function, and to pass law. ... We expect there to be reconciliation. We expect them to pass law.” Hell, at this point we’d be happy if they passed gas.

Sorry.

“To evaluate how life is improving for the Iraqis, we cannot look at the country only from the top down. We need to go beyond the Green Zone and look at Iraq from bottom up.” You first, George.

Also, heh heh, he said bottom.

Sorry.

“We are also encouraged by the way Iraqis are responding to atrocities intended to inflame passions and provoke reprisals. In early 2006 -- things were going fine in 2005. ...”

Things were going... fine... in 2005.

WHAT DO WE WONDER, GEORGE? “Al Qaeda is responsible for the most sensational killings in Iraq. They’re responsible for the sensational killing on U.S. soil, and they’re responsible for the sensational killings in Iraq. Here at home, we see the bloody aftermath of a suicide bombing in an Iraqi market -- and we wonder what kind of people could do that. That’s what we wonder. We’re good-hearted people.”

By the way, that example would probably work a lot better if the US had never dropped bombs on Iraqi markets.

“And that’s their strategy. Al Qaeda’s strategy is to use human beings as bombs to create grisly images for the world to see. They understand that sensational images are the best way to overwhelm the quiet progress on the ground.” Yes, it’s the images that are the problem, not the, you know, reality. “They hope to gain by the television screen what they cannot gain on the battlefield... Our success in Iraq must not be measured by the enemy’s ability to get a car bombing into the evening news.” Bush’s secret weapon: Paris Hilton. “No matter how good the security, terrorists will always be able to explode a bomb on a crowded street.” Always?


Then, in the bit that will get the most coverage world-wide, he provided Iraq with a positive role model: “In places like Israel, terrorists have taken innocent human life for years in similar attacks. The difference is that Israel is a functioning democracy that is not prevented from carrying out its responsibilities. And that’s a good indicator of success that we’re looking for in Iraq: the rise of a government that can protect its people, deliver basic services for all its citizens, and function as a democracy even amid violence.” So our goal, after all these years of war, is a place just like Israel, only less Jewy?

DID YOU SAY... BEGINNING STAGES? “We’re involved in a broader war against these ideological killers. Iraq is just a theater in this war. ... The stakes are high in the beginning stages of this global war against ideologues that stand for the exact opposite of what America stands for.”

“It’s amazing how the Navy has been able to accomplish more with less. Perhaps that’s what you’ve been able to -- that’s less manpower, more mission, better use of equipment, the capacity to manage manpower better.” He makes it sound so... dirty.

THE LONGEST WORD BUSH HAS EVER HAD TO READ OFF A TELEPROMPTER: “Part of the strategic thought for our military is interoperability.”

The audience was invitation-only, so this was the toughest question:

Q: At the beginning of your speech -- that you said that you consult with the military. With all due respect, sir, how much do you really listen and follow them?

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, a lot.

He added, “I talk to General Petraeus all the time. I say ‘all the time’ -- weekly; that’s all the time...” Really, you’re smothering me. “...on secure video from Baghdad. There’s a lot of discussions about troop positioning; what will our footprint look like.” That’s not a metaphor; Bush calls Petraeus up every week on secure video to talk about what his footprint looks like.

It looks like the bottom of a foot.

Possibly I spoke too soon earlier. Maybe this was the toughest question:

Q: I wanted to ask you about your thoughts concerning strategic culmination. Are we --

THE PRESIDENT: Strategic --

Q: Strategic culmination.

WHAT IS OUR MILITARY UNDERGOING THROUGH, GEORGE? “And I think people recognize that obviously -- you know, our military is undergoing through a lot of hard work and pressure.”

“Our foreign policy is much more than the use of the military. I know the focus is on the military; it’s, like, on TV everyday, I understand that.” The question was about hospital ships. “It’s really effective diplomacy to help a mom deal with a child’s sickness. And we do a lot of it. We get no credit for it, but we do a lot of it.” Really effective diplomacy... that we get no credit for. And just how pissy is that “we get no credit for it”?

SOMEWHAT SUSPECT: “Well, I suspect if you look back at history they might have been somewhat suspect if someone would have predicted an American President would be sitting down keeping the peace with the Japanese Prime Minister at some point -- particularly after World War II.”

WE NEVER SAID “IDEALIST”: “I think it’s going to be very important for our country to have faith in the capacity of liberty to be transformative. Some say that’s -- you know, he’s a hopeless idealist guy.”

Talking about the dead-in-the-water free-trade treaty with Colombia, he took a shot at, I assume, Chavez: “The free trade vote has a lot of strategic implications because in the neighborhood there is a person who is undermining a democracy, and therefore we need to be concerned about the loss of democracies in our neighborhood.”

Later, he told a little joke about God and Castro and death: “It’s in our interests that Cuba become free and it’s in the interests of the Cuban people that they don’t have to live under an antiquated form of government -- that has just been repressive. So we’ll continue to press for freedom on the island of Cuba. One day, the good Lord will take Fidel Castro away (laughter) -- no, no, no -- then, the question is, what will be the approach of the U.S. government?” One approach is to make sure no more Cubans wind up in Miami: “we’re working very closely with the Navy and Coast Guard to make sure that there is not any issues when it comes between the United States and Cuba, should there be a -- when there is a transition.”

Huh, good God, what is it good for?

Meet Mitt

Mitt Romney’s 1983 family vacation seems to be some sort of metaphor. A 12-hour drive illustrating the motto of all driven (get it? driven? get it?) presidential candidates that it’s the destination not the journey that’s important, he told his five children, the oldest of whom was 13 or so, there would be no stops except for gas, so they’d better coordinate their bodily functions with the station wagon’s mechanical ones. Oh, and the dog was in a carrier strapped to the roof the whole way. And you just know the Mittster insisted on doing all the driving himself.

A shiny quarter for the first person to spot a cartoon depicting an Irish setter in a carrier strapped to the roof of Air Force One.

You can pick through the Boston Globe series for other telling details, like his wedding being officiated by the Mormon church elder “after whom teenage Mitt had patterned his hairstyle.”

The writers, as others have been pointing out, bestow odd praise on Romney, for instance for his “emotion-free crisis management” in quick-thinkingly borrowing a hose after the dog shit down the rear windshield, and for “eschew[ing] the trappings of wealth” by not hiring a cook or a full-time maid after he became a millionaire, which sharp-eyed readers will have already noted affected his wife’s way of life rather more than his own.

However, we are also told that he thinks his wife is way better than him (in that creepy George Bush “I married above myself,” “my wife has so much patience” sort of way), and permitted her to take bathroom breaks during family drives even when no bathroom breaks were scheduled!

In comments, if you are so minded, decode the metaphor that is The Romneys Are Going To Canada. What does Seamus the dog represent? Or the five children, trying desperately to restrain their bladders? Or the shit dripping down the rear window?

Also, is anyone else reminded of Terry O’Quinn in The Stepfather?

And should Romney just go ahead and alienate cat- as well as dog-lovers by naming Bill Frist as his running mate?

Enriching civilization for centuries

This morning Bush rededicated the Islamic Center of Washington, because who better to rededicate an Islamic center. Really, anyone, who better?


He said that freedom of religion is growing in every region of the world except the Middle East. Er, China? And he trumpeted the US’s freedom in this regard, pointing out that “The freedom of religion is the very first protection offered in America’s Bill of Rights.” I believe that’s a dog whistle message for the Christian Right, who claim to discern in the sentence structure of the First Amendment some sort of proof that freedom of religion is prior to, and the basis of, all other rights.

He said, “We come to express our appreciation for a faith that has enriched civilization for centuries.” Although, oddly enough, he said the exact same thing a few hours later at the annual White House Tee Ball Game.


Not an hour before that photo op with the kiddies, Bush was in the Roosevelt Room denouncing Democrats for a dastardly scheme: “they are trying to expand Medicare to younger citizens. ... If their proposal becomes law, S-CHIP [the State Children’s Health Insurance Program] would expand its reach to include children from family that earn as much as $80,000 a year”. He warned darkly, “Their goal is to take incremental steps down the path to government-run health care for every American,” adding “It’s the wrong path for our nation, and besides, Michael Moore is fat.” I may have embellished that quote a little.

A clean, safe and humane place for enemy combatants

On his last full day in office, Tony Blair held a press conference with Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Terminator and the Terminated, the British press uniformly called it.



(As I write, Blair’s last Prime Minister’s Questions is going on. Someone just asked him, apropos of that meeting, what Blair would do, if he came back from the future, to save the planet. Blair, as was his wont, ignored the question.)

It wasn’t enough that Gordon Brown will become prime minister tomorrow, he had to bring a trophy: MP Quentin Davies has defected from the Tories to the Labour party. And is there a single British newspaper able to resist mentioning that Davies was once fined for cruelty to sheep?

That was a rhetorical question.

Military Moron of the week, Col. Morris D. Davis, chief prosecutor for the Guantanamo military commissions, for his op-ed piece in yesterday’s NYT, entitled, “The Guantánamo I Know and Love.” Evidently Guantanamo “is a clean, safe and humane place for enemy combatants”. It’s a clean, safe and humane place for them to be tortured and driven slowly insane, but hey, it’s clean. Glenn Greenwald has already effectively dealt with my favorite part, where he proves that Gitmo is nothing like Soviet gulags because David Hicks, the Australian captured in Afghanistan, “stipulated he was treated properly.” As Davis knows full well, because either he or one of his underlings negotiated the plea agreement, they required Hicks deny his earlier claims to have been tortured as part of that agreement, without which he’d never have gotten out of Guantanamo. This is Col. Davis’s gold standard for evidence. Did I mention that he is the chief prosecutor at the military commissions?

In fact, he says that hearsay and other forms of evidence considered too unreliable to be used in US courts can be used because “the Constitution does not extend to alien unlawful enemy combatants.” Whoa! Alien unlawful enemy combatants, wouldn’t want to meet one of those in a dark alley! He could beat you to death with the adjectives alone!

Davis says, “Some imply that if a defendant does not get a trial that looks like Martha Stewart’s and ends like O. J. Simpson’s, then military commissions are flawed.” Yes, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly the standard we were going for. Conversely, if Martha Stewart and O.J. Simpson were waterboarded, I think I could live with that.

I’m confident that we can continue to be a nation that assimilates

This morning Bush gave a comprehensive speech on the comprehensive immigration comprehensive legislation.

Er, sorry. He used the word comprehensive a lot, is what I’m saying. This sort of thing: “The problem that this bill recognizes, the bill recognizes that we’ve got to address the problem in a comprehensive fashion.”

Repetition was the order of the day: “It’s a powerful incentive to be a mom or a dad to make sure your children don’t suffer. That’s an incentive. That’s an incentive for people here in America; it also happens to be an incentive for people around the world.”

When not repeating his vocabulary words, he rephrased the same things over and over in as many different ways as he could come up with: “The first thing that we’ve got to recognize in the country is that the system isn’t working. The immigration system needs reform. The status quo is unacceptable.” And what, oh what, do we need to do to change that? “Our view is, if the status quo is unacceptable, we need to replace it with something that is acceptable”. That’s why he’s the president and you’re not.

Why is it unacceptable, and not working, and in need of reform? “the system has also fostered illegal operations that prey upon the human being”.

Illegal operations that prey upon the human being. That does sound scary. But so does this: “And I’m confident that we can continue to be a nation that assimilates.”

Tell us more about assimilation, George. “The bill recognizes that English is a part of the assimilation process and wants to help people learn the language in order to be able to take advantage of America.” I don’t know: Chimpy manages to take advantage of America without ever having learned the language. In fact, in the very next sentences, he forgot what the word amnesty means: “You know, I’ve heard all the rhetoric -- you’ve heard it, too -- about how this is amnesty. Amnesty means that you’ve got to pay a price for having been here illegally, and this bill does that.”

Meanwhile, Laura and Jenna were in Dakar picking vegetables, doing the work Senegalese aren’t doing.

For too often and too long that bar wasn’t set high enough (updated)

From the London Times: “Immigration officers should wear pastel-coloured clothing when attempting to deport families, so that they are less intimidating to children, Home Office officials have recommended.” Yeah, that’ll do it.

Today Bush (not wearing pastel-colored clothing) met with a bunch of “Presidential Scholars,” of whom he said, “It’s a neat occasion to be able to welcome the 2007 Presidential Scholars.” He spoke about education and No Child Left Behind. It would be all too easy to pick up my blue pencil and mark all his mistakes, but my monitor would be covered with squiggly lines, and the resulting post would be way too long. He is, however, begging for it: “You know, part of the problem we’ve had in our school system is for too often and too long that bar wasn’t set high enough”.


“It’s amazing what happens when you hold people to account,” he said, not speaking from personal experience.

WHAT OUGHT YOU EXPECT? “If you believe a child can learn to read, then you ought to expect a child to read. That’s what you ought to expect.”

WHAT IS BECOMING CLOSED? “We had an achievement gap in our country and that’s not right to have an achievement gap in America. And this achievement gap is becoming closed”.

He says we need 30,000 “math and science professionals to go into classrooms to stimulate interest”. Oh, I am so not going there. “Because in order for us to make sure the best jobs are in America requires us having mathematicians and scientists and historians and engineers and physicists and poets. And the best way to stimulate that interest is from people who actually know what they’re talking about.” So why are these kids listening to you?

And yes, I may have added a couple of items to that list of professions. See if you can guess which ones.

“Whether we like or not, we’re in a global world.” Or possibly octagonal.


IN OTHER WORDS: “No Child Left Behind is working. In other words, we’re making good progress.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, people say, well, you can’t be for No Child Left Behind, it’s the federal government telling you what to do. Quite the opposite. ... We’re just going to insist that you measure”. Telling you what to do is quite the opposite of insisting.

IN OTHER WORDS: “Measuring results helps teachers spot problems. In other words, you can’t solve a problem until you diagnose it.”

Caption contest:


(Update: it seems that 50 of the 140 presidential scholars signed
a letter, which they handed to Bush personally, opposing the use of torture, renditions, and calling for adherence to the Geneva Conventions. Bravo. Bravo. (Also, Bong Hits 4 Jesus.) Bush read the letter (possibly asking them for help with some of the bigger words) and told them that in fact the United States does not torture. These kids have ideals and they know what it’s like to have the president of the United States lie to their faces. If they aren’t prepared for the future, I don’t know who is.)

Seeing a better future because of the form of government that’s changed

The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that it was okay for a high school principal to rip down a student’s “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” banner. Roberts wrote in the majority opinion that schools have a compelling interest in deterring drug use (he’s assuming the verb-free banner is pro-drug use). He cited the Safe and Drug-Free Schools and Communities Act of 1994, which required schools to “convey a clear and consistent message that ... the illegal use of drugs [is] wrong and harmful.” In other words, Congress authorized censoring the expression of any opinion that contradicts the legally mandated official line. So that’s okay then. Roberts says that “failing to act would send a powerful message to the students in her charge, including Frederick, about how serious the school was about the dangers of illegal drug use.” This is the First Amendment under the Roberts court: state censorship is a protected form of expression (“sending a powerful message”), but a banner is not.

This morning Bush met with the president of Estonia, which Bush described as “a country which has emerged from some really dark days. And having been in Estonia, I can report to my fellow citizens that people now see the light of day, and see a better future because of the form of government that’s changed.” So if I understand him correctly, the sun did not shine in Estonia, possibly because of a spell cast by an evil witch, until George went there. Yes, I’m pretty sure that’s what he was saying.

I’ve decided I was wrong in a previous post to call him Herman Munster. Actually, he looks like the actor Edward Herrmann.

Speaking of the form of government that’s changed, off to the side during this meeting was none other than Dick Cheney, glumly contemplating his liminal status, neither in the executive branch nor in the legislative, not fully man nor wholly machine...

Enveloped into a kill sack

Military jargon of the day: evidently, “Al Qaida” fighters in Iraq are being “enveloped into a kill sack.” Charming.

Another New York magazine competition, from 11/23/92: greeting cards.

So you drew a suspended sentence!

Sorry you’re having a bad hair day.

So you’re a lame-duck president!

Have a happy Yom Kippur.

Yo, condolences!

A special wish for you on your deathbed.

Sorry you’ve lost the ability to accessorize.

Condolences on the breakup of Communism.

You missed my birthday. Burn in hell.

Sorry I missed your beatification.

You put the lite in elite!

Thanks for not confusing really great sex with love.

Happy birthday to your inner child.

Congratulations on being out of the loop.

So you’ve been enveloped into a kill sack.

That last one’s mine, obviously.