Whatever happened to the “Whatever Happened to” Awards?

Two years ago, at the end of 2004, I initiated my annual “Whatever Happened To...?” Awards, in which I noted people and stories that had disappeared without proper follow-up. It was a good idea. It was too much work. So last year and this year I opted instead just to run a post of the best pictures of the year. Much easier to look at some photographs than to read through a year’s worth of my old posts (this one is #685 for 2006). Without doing the work, all I can think of off the top of my head is whatever happened to that Afghan guy they wanted to execute but settled for driving out of the country for converting to Christianity? And where is Scott McClellan today? Telling lies in a puddle of flop-sweat in the private sector, no doubt.

Were there any stories or intriguing hints of stories this year that you wanted to know more about? Tell us in the comments section. Oh, and “if O.J. did it, how did he do it?” doesn’t count.

Dave Barry has his usual hilarious summary of the year’s events.

No healing without pardon, or, indeed, trousers

From the Observer: “Ambulance service officials have renewed their pleas for revellers not to misuse the 999 system after an apparently drunk man asked emergency operators to help him find his trousers.”

And in 1974, wasn’t the entire United States, metaphorically speaking, a drunk pantsless man crying out for help? Dick Cheney said this at Gerald Ford’s funeral: “It was this man, Gerald R. Ford, who led our republic safely though a crisis that could have turned to catastrophe. Gerald Ford was almost alone in understanding that there can be no healing without pardon.” Hopefully, Cheney will spend the rest of his life repeating those words (which I believe he first addressed to Harry Whittington after shooting him in the face), in increasingly desperate tones, from increasingly smaller prison cells with increasingly larger bunkmates, all named Bubba.

When jokes are made about prison life, there is always a bunkmate named Bubba.

Even if it’s a women’s prison.

Especially if it’s a women’s prison.

Of course what Cheney especially likes about the Nixon pardon is that Nixon was never made to enumerate the crimes for which he was pardoned. The other thing he and other Republicans like about the “Ford healed the nation” trope is that in it, the only significant actors are Republican politicians, while Democrats and indeed the American citizenry are reduced to spectators, just as now they insist that only Republicans are qualified to clean up the mess that they themselves have made in Iraq.

Milestone, in pictures

What pisses me off the most about the semi-legal lynching of Saddam Hussein is that they’ve actually managed to make me a little bit sorry for the bastard.

This is not what justice looks like:

Milestone

I’ve already had my first two hits from people looking for pictures of Saddam’s execution.

Bush issues a statement which must have been written beforehand because the execution took place around 9:00 Texas time, so he’d already gone to bed. The statement uses the term “fair trial” three times, says that Saddam received “the kind of justice he denied the victims of his brutal regime” – funny, under our kind of justice the result is the exact same one, a dead body – and claims that “Bringing Saddam Hussein to justice will not end the violence in Iraq, but it is an important milestone on Iraq’s course to becoming a democracy that can govern, sustain, and defend itself, and be an ally in the War on Terror.”

The, um, milestone, was witnessed by various members of the Iraqi regime, probably all Shiite, who literally danced around the body afterwards.

A metaphor alert is issued for the central Texas region

Bush’s three-hour-a-day consideration of how to come to closure on a New Way Forward (TM) in Iraq was interrupted by a tornado warning issued for the central Texas region. He drove with Laura and the dogs to the ranch’s tornado shelter, but did not go inside.

According to Iraqi PM Maliki, “Those who reject the execution of Saddam are undermining the dignity of Iraq’s martyrs.” Well we wouldn’t want that. In fact, “Our respect for human rights requires us to execute him.” So to sum up, nothing says dignity and respect for human rights like a good old fashioned hanging.

Speaking of dignity and respect for human rights, here are some fresh London Review of Books personal ads, in case you’re looking for a date for New Year’s.

Ball-breaking irrational F (52). Very probably just like your mother. Box no. 24/0

Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Amateur roadkill/wild mushroom chef living the Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall dream (F, 34) is fairly certain it will be a stray cat and another night of unwanted psychedelic flashes. Thanks for nothing River Cottage. Also the A405. Box no. 24/05

Just as chugging on a bottle of White Lightning on a park bench will make you nauseous and diminish the respect of your peers, yet taking just a glass of cold cider on a barmy summer evening will quench your thirst and take you back to heady days frolicking in West Country apple orchards, so it is with this ad. Man, 37. Refreshing in small sips where the delicate nuances of Somerset burst through full and flavoursome, but anything bigger and you’ll end up puking over your own shoes and smelling of wee. Box no. 01/02

When eventually calming down after a heated argument involving smashed plates, thrown cutlery, insults directed at your circus side-show of a family, and emotionally destructive sex, you should know now that I’m very unlikely to participate in that ‘no, really, I’m sorry, it was my fault’ charade. You accept all of the blame all of the time or you grow gills to breathe in the stale, bitter soup of my angry and eternal silence. Cuddly F, 36, brown hair, green eyes, degree in geology. Box no. 01/05

When I inevitably read this ad again in a ‘laugh-out loud’ follow-up volume of ‘hilarious’, ‘quirky’ and ‘endearing’ lonely hearts ads, it will be like opening a time-capsule of despair on the emptiest period of my pathetic existence. Unless you write now and agree to marry me. No pressure from ‘winning’, ‘charming’, ‘best loo-read’ F, 38. Box no. 24/06

That’s a reference to the book of collected LRB personals, my copy of which Amazon still hasn’t delivered.

Also, stop calling me Lou.

Carpe diem

Hugo Chavez announces that he will shut down the opposition tv station, which he calls “coup-ist” (Chavez was for coups before he was against them). Again I ask, will the American left stop hero-worshipping this guy?

Holy Joe Lieberman has an op-ed piece in the called “Why We Need More Troops in Iraq” in the WaPo, which describes him as “an Independent Democratic senator.” He doesn’t say who the “we” is who needs troops. He also doesn’t mention his previous predictions that the number of troops would be reduced by now. Maybe it’s me, but I think when you completely reverse your position, you need to explain why if you’re to have any credibility. Instead, he continues to treat his hopes as facts, asserting, for example, that “an increase that will at last allow us to establish security throughout the Iraqi capital,” without explaining how that would work.

Joe fetishizes “security,” a word he uses seven times. Establishing security, he says, “will open possibilities for compromise and cooperation on the Iraqi political front.” Yes, everyone wants to be bipartisan centrist compromisers, given the chance. Remember the line in Full Metal Jacket: “inside every gook there’s an American waiting to come out”? Lieberman thinks inside every Iraqi there’s a Joe Lieberman waiting to come out, given enough, you know, security.

During his recent trip to the region, he says, “I saw firsthand evidence in Iraq of the development of a multiethnic, moderate coalition against the extremists of al-Qaeda and against the Mahdi Army”. He doesn’t say what that firsthand evidence was; I suppose we just have to take his word for it. I’m guessing he met one guy who told him what he wanted to hear, since that’s the standard of evidence elsewhere in the piece: he mentions “one moderate Palestinian leader” who told him that the US should stay in Iraq, and one American colonel who followed him out of a meeting and told him privately that the soldiers under him really want to “finish this fight” and know they can win it. So it must be true. If Joe threw in a cab driver, it could be a Tom Friedman article.

The real winners if we don’t surge, he says repeatedly, are Iran and Al Qaida, which he implies are on the same side, which is the pro-civil war side, I guess. Matt Browner-Hamlin (who has a good take-down on Joementum’s article I saw half-way through writing this; I’ve tried to avoid overlap) points out that Joe forgets about the Sunnis altogether.

It wouldn’t be a Joe Lieberman essay if he didn’t impugn the motives and strength of characters of people who disagree with him: “In Iraq today we have a responsibility to do what is strategically and morally right for our nation over the long term -- not what appears easier in the short term. ... Rather than engaging in hand-wringing, carping or calls for withdrawal, we must summon the vision, will and courage to take the difficult and decisive steps needed for success and, yes, victory in Iraq.” Joe likes to talk a lot about his ability to get along with people, but he means other warmongering neo-cons; everyone else is carping and taking the easy way out, and lacks vision, will and courage. But really, if we’re talking about carping...



Separated at birth?

Coming to closure on a way forward in Iraq

Spike Lee has announced he will make a biopic about James Brown. Wouldn’t it have been more fun if he made one about Gerald Ford? Wouldn’t you like to see what a Spike Lee movie about Gerald Ford would be like? I know I would.

So I’ve finished Bob Harris’s Prisoner of Trebekistan, and you should definitely have bought a copy for everyone on your Christmas list. I’d have mentioned that sooner, but I was mysteriously at the top of the list for the book at my public library for two months, waiting for every librarian there to read it first. So don’t buy it for any librarian on your list, they’ve already read it. It’s even better than you’d expect it to be from reading his blog.

Tuesday is the national day of mourning for Gerald Ford. Bush wants the American people “to assemble on that day in their respective places of worship, there to pay homage to the memory of President Ford.” So be sure to do that.

Bush and his “national security team” assembled today in Crawford for three whole hours of work. As Bush explained, “It’s an important part of coming to closure on a way forward in Iraq”. I think the way forward in Iraq is already closed. Not only can’t he come up with a timetable for getting out of Iraq, he can’t come up with a timetable for giving a speech about Iraq. But he says he’s “making good progress toward coming up with a plan that we think will help us achieve our objective.”

He explained that “The key to success in Iraq is to have a government that’s willing to deal with the elements there that are trying to prevent this young democracy from succeeding.” By “deal with,” he means kill. Of course, that sentence was a clever paraphrase of Thomas Jefferson, who famously said, “for a young democracy to ƒucceed, it must cruƒh its enemies, with the aƒsistance of a ƒurge of ƒoldiers from a foreign occupying army.” Jefferson also famously said, “And fuck Joe Biden.” (Not to be confused with “And ƒuck Joe Biden.”)

Speaking of fucking Joe Biden, Bush says he and members of his cabinet will “talk to Congress.” Note the preposition: to, not with. “I fully understand it’s important to have both Republicans and Democrats understanding the importance of this mission.” Isn’t that a great sentence? All that understanding, all that importance.

“People always ask me about a New Year’s resolution -- my resolution is, is that [the troops]’ll be safe and that we’ll come closer to our objective, that we’ll be able to help this young democracy survive and thrive”. And jive, don’t forget jive.

Don’t they all look cheery and Christmasy?

Gerald Ford died for your sins

Says Saddam Hussein, “I sacrifice myself.” Like they gave him a choice? “If God wills it, he will place me among the true men and martyrs.” Curiously, these were also Gerald Ford’s last words.

Everyone is going on about Ford’s role in giving Indonesia permission to invade East Timor, which is true as far as it goes, although I tend to think the entire world was silently complicit in that one, and for many years. But for some reason, no one is talking about his covert support of UNITA in Angola, some of the most evil bastards on the planet during the Welcome Back Kotter Years. (And by the way, let’s a give big hand to the Portuguese, whose massively incompetent colonialism created both situations, and Guinea-Bissau, which they left with the lowest life expectancy in the world and not a single college graduate in the whole country).

And while everyone’s mentioning that Ford’s administration included Cheney and Rumsfeld, they’re mostly forgetting his director of central intelligence, one George Herbert Walker Bush.

Still the best Republican president of my lifetime.

Which doesn’t say much for Republican presidents.

Or my lifetime.

He was indeed a Ford, not a Lincoln

So goodbye to Gerald Ford, the best Republican president of my lifetime. His long national lifetime is over. He whipped inflation now (or not). That’s all I seem to have to say about him; somehow a presidency about which there’s not much to say seems... restful. Down, Liberty!


P.S. On second thought, I would like to give Ford credit for the custom of presidential debates, unbroken since 1976, when he was the first sitting president to agree to participate in debates. And then promptly freed Poland (younger readers may need to look that up, as well as the Liberty reference).

Rats

Japan has resumed its Christmas tradition of secretive executions (whatever happened to a lump of coal in a stocking?). Without advanced warning, four men were taken from their cells and hanged by the wrinkly neck (two of them were in their seventies) until dead.

It’s a slow news day even over at the Pentagon website, where the big scoop is “Medics Clear Rats From Saddam Hussein’s Bunker.” Evidently after Saddam was removed from power, hundreds of rats took over. No, there’s no metaphor here. US Special Forces used the underground bunker complex until last January, and rather brilliantly left behind a lot of food. The rats thrived, and now the remaining food can’t be removed without a great swarm of rats streaming out of the bunker. Really, there is absolutely no metaphor to see here, move along. “The body count of the dead rats did lead [Lt. Col. Van] Sherwood to believe the problem had been solved and shouldn’t happen again.” Honestly, I don’t know why you people persist in seeing metaphors where there are simply no metaphors to see.

Speaking of hanging and rats, I see I’m not the only one suspicious that the timing of Saddam’s execution is being coordinated with Bush’s announcement of his New Way Forward (TM). The execution warrant has to be signed by the president and both vice presidents. The Sunni veep, according to the AP, was only given the job last April on the condition that he would sign the warrant.

A boy and his dog:

Basra PD blues

In September 2005 the British military attacked a police station in Basra, using tanks to demolish a wall, in order to release two disguised British soldiers who had, when stopped by the local police, shot two of them. There were a lot of accusations made about the Basra police’s connections to insurgents, no explanation (well, many explanations, all contradictory) about exactly what the soldiers were doing, and that was it (I posted several times about all of this that September).

Today the British sent 1,000 troops and a bulldozer and explosives to that same police station (or “torture HQ” or even “Gestapo HQ,” as the London Times luridly phrases it – elsewhere, in full British-imperialist-condescensing-harrumph-harrumph mode, the paper says this about the 2005 events: “This time the British forces would stand for no nonsense”). They were there to hand out pink slips to the serious crimes unit of the Basra police force (you will already have noticed that “serious crimes unit” has a more ambiguous meaning in Iraq than it might have elsewhere; the British have announced that a Major Crimes Unit will be created to replace the Serious Crimes Unit, and if that doesn’t make everything all right, I don’t know what will). They claimed they were rescuing 127 prisoners in danger of less-than-judicial execution (not counting the prisoners who escaped during the operation). We will never know the whole truth about this either. Possibly this was a good thing.



Here’s what tells you that the British have no real control over events in Basra: the only way they had to prevent the police station being used again by death squads slash “rogue police,” rather than by the forthcoming Major Crimes Unit, was to blow it up. So this show of force ended with a tacit admission of weakness.

Today’s must-read: this Empire Burlesque post. Longish, but packed with goodies.

Wherein an ambiguous headline was attached to a story that was less interesting than one might have hoped

AP headline: “Schwarzenegger Breaks Leg While Skiing.”

His own leg, not someone else’s.

Christ’s message fulfilled

Schizophrenic highlights from Bush’s weekly radio address: “At this special time of year, we give thanks for Christ’s message of love and hope. Christmas reminds us that we have a duty to others, and we see that sense of duty fulfilled in the men and women who wear our Nation’s uniform. ... victory in Iraq... I urge every American to find some way to thank our military this Christmas season. ... At this special time of year, we reflect on the miraculous life that began in a humble manger 2,000 years ago. That single life changed the world, and continues to change hearts today.”

Today was the day Secretary of War Robert

went to Camp David to brief President

on his surprise visit to Iraq. Here is the official photograph, in which George puts on his best “attentive and thoughtful” expression, and Gates and the alliterative Peter Pace wonder why they couldn’t have done this indoors instead of out in the woods in the middle of winter.



Feel free to provide your own captions, perhaps using one or all of these elements: does an Iraq policy crap in the woods, if an Iraq policy falls in a forest, Dick Cheney with a shotgun...

A particularly good new batch of “Get Your War On”s (or is the plural Gets Your War On?).

Pity

Robert Fisk says of the line that “we’re not winning, we’re not losing” in Iraq, “Pity about the Iraqis.”

I think that they do have some concrete plans in mind

Secretary of War Robert

, according to the Pentagon website, will report back to Bush on what he has learned in Iraq, where he “largely spent the three days [more like 48 hours, Pentagon website, let’s not exaggerate] in meetings with U.S. generals and diplomats, and with high-ranking members of the Iraqi government, including President Jalal Talibani and Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. U.S. leaders with whom Gates met included Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad; Army Gen. John Abizaid, chief of U.S. Central Command; and Army Gen. George W. Casey Jr.” Wow, that really shows Gates’s commitment to hearing fresh ideas from people whose voices are so rarely heard in the corridors of power, who are not associated in any way with the previous clusterfuck.

Gates says Americans should get a sense of perspective, because after all those years of war and Baathist rule (and sanctions, he had the nerve to say), “having people act on their own initiative, having people take responsibility for their actions, these are new things in Iraq, perhaps in the whole history of the country.” In fact, he added, they’re so demoralized that I can talk this condescendingly about them, and they don’t even tell me to go fuck myself.

But he does say that they’re committed to doing stuff. Or at least talking about doing stuff. For example, when asked by a reporter if the Iraqis were going to crack down on Shiite militias, Gates said, “What I heard from all of the Iraqis that I talked to was the conviction that they have to break down -- that they have to crack down on all lawbreakers across the board and that no group was exempted from that.” When asked a follow-up about whether they had actually committed to any actual, real-life, concrete steps, he said, “I think that they do have some concrete plans in mind”. Good enough for me.

He said he’d really like to have left the Green Zone and visited Mosul, but bad weather prevented it. Yeah, that’s the ticket, bad weather...

Compare and contrast

Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, 1996, asked if 500,000 deaths of Iraqi children as a result of sanctions was acceptable: “we think the price is worth it.”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, 2006, on whether the costs and death toll of the Iraq war have been acceptable: “this is a country that is worth the investment”.

Developing the capabilities and inaudible of the Iraqi armed forces

I’ve been waiting all day for the transcript of the press conference held by Secretary of War Robert

and his Iraqi counterpart, Abdul Qadir Muhammed Jasim, because my life is hollow and empty. When it was finally posted, though, it turned out that Gates wouldn’t speak beyond airy generalities (“I especially emphasized to the prime minister the steadfastness of American support and our enduring presence in the Persian Gulf”), but Qadir...

A lot of issues were discussed about the possibility to develop the capabilities and -- (inaudible) -- of the Iraqi armed forces and (inaudible) the security situation and the new situation on the Iraqi field in general and in the capital, Baghdad, especially the development of the terrorist operations and the -- (inaudible) -- and they’re focusing in a very -- (inaudible) -- way on the (inaudible) of civilians -- (inaudible). And -- (inaudible) -- engaging the military forces and the -- (inaudible) -- for the -- (inaudible) -- and the gathering of -- (inaudible) -- and markets and wedding parties and schools and the churches and the educational institutions and -- (inaudible).

(Inaudible) -- Jihad, they target just yesterday a convoy of the pilgrims -- (inaudible). (Inaudible) -- operations in addition to the force -- (inaudible) -- for some outlaws, whether they are -- (inaudible) -- by or it is done by threats or by -- (inaudible) -- on secure areas.

Questions by Iraqi reporters are simply untranslated in the transcript, because in our fourth year of steadfast American support and enduring presence in the Persian Gulf, we still don’t have anyone who understands whatever language it is the simple natives speak.

Q (In Arabic.)

SEC. GATES: I’m not sure I understood your question.

Q (In Arabic.)

Gates said he was much more impressed by the Iraqi officials than he was when he visited with the Iraqi Study Group in September, although he thinks that visit may simply have been too short and “perhaps we didn’t have the opportunity to explore in the kind of depth I have today with Iraqi officials”. This week’s visit will last an entire day and a half, which is surely time to learn everything there is to know about Iraq.

Whichever reporter started off a question “Secretary Gates, this morning you met with a small but representative group of senior enlisted U.S. soldiers” needs to be drummed out of the press corpse.

I think we need to just keep doing what we’re doing

Secretary of War Robert

had breakfast (the most important meal of the quagmire) with some of the troops, who he described as “representative of those who are serving our country here”. Unlike the generals, they all supported a “surge” in troop levels, saying, “We’ll never finish all these scrambled eggs by ourselves.”

One such totally representative soldier was Spc. Jason Glenn of the 101st Military Intelligence Battalion, who said, “Sir, I think we need to just keep doing what we’re doing,” thus proving the old line (by this blog’s patron saint) that military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Sez the Pentagon website, “Other soldiers offered different pieces of advice to Gates. One told him to keep an open mind, while another urged him to seek answers from people on the ground.” This level of gritty candor was reciprocated: “He gave soldiers a glimpse into his goals for Iraq. ‘We’re trying to put together a package of new ways of doing things that will lead to more progress,’ he said.” Ooo, a package. But they can’t open it until Surgemas.

Here are some of those representative troops. See if you can guess which one’s nickname is “Bookworm.”



The first Marines have finally been charged in the Haditha Massacre (there is now a label for my Haditha posts in the right-hand column).

Wherein is found an icky picture. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Batshit Crazy Dictator of Turkmenistan Saparmurad Niyazov has died. The B.C.D. has long been a favorite of this blog, and you can click on the label at the bottom of this post to find out why.







I suspect B.C.D. Niyazov would have enjoyed the handover ceremony in Najaf yesterday. This rabbit maybe not so much.



Hey, a record number of dead bodies were found in Baghdad yesterday, so don’t complain to me about the poor bunny rabbit. Also, I used the most tasteful of the pictures of this part of the ceremony, which also featured lip-synching and the biting off of frogs’ heads. And there was this display.



The original caption reads, “Iraqi army soldiers simulate a self defence combat routine”. I thought they were supposed to be standing up so we could stand down.

Bush press conference: you can do better than to have somebody try to rewrite history

Bush gave a press conference this morning, a dull affair called for no obvious reason, a placeholder for the delayed new way forward (TM), any questions about which were deemed “dangerous hypotheticals.” He used the phrase “an Iraq that can govern itself, sustain itself and defend itself” no fewer than four times (although he left out sustain itself one of those times).

Asked about Sistani’s position, Bush dismissed him: “he lives a secluded life”. Is that so, Bubble Boy?



Switch grass, he mentioned switch grass again! Oh switch grass, how we’ve missed you.

He said over and over, the “Iranian people can do better,” as in, “My message to the Iranian people is you can do better than to have somebody try to rewrite history.”

Asked if this was a time of painful realization, whether he questioned any of his decisions, he said no. This has been another edition of simple answers from simple presidents to simple questions from simple reporters.

Surprise

The Miami Herald has a story about a Haitian teenager who had a 16-pound tumor on her face (ew!), which was just removed in Florida, allowing her to speak for the first time in 6 years. Her first words were “Thank you.” It truly is a Christmas miracle: a teenager who says thank you.

Robert

is in Iraq for what the Pentagon website actually calls a surprise visit....

... so what do you think? Instead of a nickname, I could do different pictures of gates in place of his name. Actually, that sounds like I’d be doing a lot of work to give Gates the illusion of being interesting, which is more than he’s ever done (as Groucho said to Margaret Dumont), so maybe not.

AP says “His trip so soon after taking office underscored the Bush administration’s effort to be seen as energetically seeking a new path in the conflict,” failing to mention that he delayed taking office so he could attend Texas A&M’s commencement ceremonies. It also, rather oddly, informs us that “It is Gates’ first trip to Iraq as defense secretary.”

He went with the alliterative Peter Pace John Abizaid (oops) who seems to have a backpack or a parachute or something.

There was sex and all kinds of issues

Talking Points Memo quotes the Jewish Telegraphic Agency, which quotes the president of Yeshiva University, who was at the menorah-lighting ceremony at the White House yesterday, quoting Bush that “Terrorists can’t be God-believing people.” Also, at the event he talked to everyone who would listen about the need to confront Iran.

Iraq today: guards at a Baghdad bank decided that a funeral procession was fraudulent, part of an attempt to rob the bank, and shot it up. They were wrong.

The WaPo says Maliki would only go along with a “surge” if it was combined with a purge, that is if the American forces attacked Sunnis rather than Shiites in Baghdad. According to Maliki, this would result in reduced activity by Shiite militias, because American troops and the Iraqi army would make them redundant by killing Sunnis for them. The logic is impeccable, you have to admit.

Back to the WaPo interview with Bush I started talking about in the previous post, this time with a complete transcript. The big news, evidently, is his admission that we’re not winning in Iraq, or more specifically, and attributing the formulation to the alliterative Peter Pace, “We’re not winning, we’re not losing.” So he’s 50% correct, which is a 50-point improvement, so well done, George.

He denies that the election was about the American people wanting to leave Iraq: “There’s not a lot of people saying, ‘Get out now.’ Most Americans are saying, ‘We want to achieve the objective.’” Are they saying that? Let’s make a completely fair, totally objective test of that, with a poll of the readers of this blog. Remember, if you’re not American, you can’t vote.

Do you want to achieve the objective?
	Yes
	No
pollcode.com free polls

So what was the election about, in Bush’s view? Well, “people are not satisfied with the progress being made in Iraq,” the fucking ingrates. Also, “look, you’ve got a guy using earmarks to enrich himself; there was sex and all kinds of issues”. He also says that “people are sick and tired of the needless partisanship in Washington.” Which is funny, because in 2000 he said people voted for him (a uniter, not a divider) because they hated partisanship, and now they voted for the opposition party for the same exact reason. Huh.

He said he wants to work with Democrats on Social Security, which he rather worryingly called an entitlement.

Asked whether the idea of invading Iraq was “not so great,” Bush said, “I’ve never really asked that question.” No kidding.

Reset

Bush was interviewed by WaPo reporters today (why just excerpts, WaPo?), and before they could even ask a question, he volunteered “I want to share one thought I had with you, and I’m inclined to believe that we do need to increase our troops”. He means overall, and permanently, not necessarily a “surge” in Iraq, but I think we know where this is headed. He says the military is not “broken,” as Colin Powell said, because the generals haven’t told him that it is; they also say, when asked to evaluate themselves, that their biggest flaw is that they care too much. Sheesh, what does he expect them to say?

Evidently, they don’t say it’s broken but they do say it’s “stressed.”

Shrub says, “we need to reset our military. There’s no question the military has been used a lot.” Reset? What does that mean? Like turning it off and turning it on again?

On Iraq itself, “I’m going to take my time to make sure that the policy, when it comes out, the American people will see that we are -- have got a new way forward to achieve an important objective, which is a country that can govern, sustain and defend itself,” adding, “Not Iraq, you understand, just a country. Possibly Sweden.”

He uses some variation of that phrase about showing/reassuring the American people three times in a short period of time. I’d say this was a sign of insecurity except it’s always been like this. Within a week or two of 9/11/01, they were talking more about reassuring the American people that air travel was safe than about actually making air travel safe.

By the way, have we completely abandoned the color-coded alert system?

I will show the authority of the government

American media have finally caught up to the firing of the governor in Afghanistan’s Helmand province, a week late. The spin they’re accepting is that it was because of increased opium production and not a direct order from the Americans, pissed at local peace deals with the Taliban, which the new governor says will not be repeated: “I will show the authority of the government.” Whose government, he did not say.

Although American government-produced propaganda is by law supposed to be aimed at foreigners and never at Americans, Radio Martí and TV Martí will buy time on stations in Florida.

Tony Blair, in the UAE, says there is a “battle between people of moderation, whether they are Muslim or Jew or any other religion, and people of extremism”. Try to work the phrase “people of enthusiasm” into a conversation today.

Contest: Name That Defense Secretary!

Secretary of Quagmires Robert Gates said at his swearing-in yesterday that losing in Iraq will be “a calamity that would haunt our nation”. It is this blog’s belief and policy that the faceless bureaucrats replacing more, shall we say, colorful Bushites, require nicknames to give them the illusion of personality. Since Gates probably considers “Bob” to be a little jaunty, a little daring, a little racy, if you will, it seems to be up to us. I nominate “Calamity Bob,” but then I thought that calling the press secretary “Tony Insert-Snow-Related-Pun-Here” as a running non-gag would never get old, so surely one of you can do better.

The people’s house

Nothing says awkward quite so much as Hanukkah at the White House (except maybe Kwanzaa at the White House). Bush says that this menorah is “a symbol that the White House is the people’s house, and it belongs to Americans of all faiths,” although he added that he hoped they wouldn’t “Jew it up too much.”







Earlier in the day he stuck the Indian ambassador next to a big ol’ Christmas tree, to show him whose God was boss.



Although, to be fair, you can’t actually go more than five feet in the White House before running into a Christmas tree or a Christmas wreath or some other form of Christmas decoration.

Nobody should have a veto on progress

Bush, at the swearing-in ceremony for Robert Gates says he “will be an outstanding Secretary of the Defense” and that Rumsfeld was “a superb leader at the Department of Defense.” Is outstanding better or worse than superb?


Tony Blair was in Palestine today, pretending that support for only one element of government, President Abbas, is support for democracy, and backed his unconstitutional plan to call new elections. Blair said, “nobody should have a veto on progress”. He meant Hamas, not Israel.


Then he moved on to Israel, where he held his hand over a candle flame, G. Gordon Liddy style, to prove how tough he is.

2006 in pictures

Tony Blair, who has made a surprise Christmas visit to British troops in Basra every year since the war started, made a surprise Christmas visit to British troops in Basra. It was quite a surprise. He signed an armored personnel carrier; he wrote, “Good luck! Tony Blair.”


Let’s move on from Blair looking kinda goofy to my annual selection of the best pictures posted on “Whatever It Is, I’m Against It” this year. I’ve looked through all the photos of 2006 and... shit have I over-indulged in “Bush looking goofy” pics. I know Bush looking goofy is the well that never runs dry, but... damn.





























There isn’t really a lot of overlap between my pics and those in the Republican National Committee 2007 calendar, although for June they have this snap


of Bush with a “snowflake” baby, similar to one I ran, and for October they feature one of my old themes, “Bush leaning on a black woman.”


My promise to you for 2007: wherever there’s a picture of Bush tripping, or being strangled by an old lady, or pinching Angela Merkel’s butt, wherever there’s a cop beatin’ up a guy, wherever there’s a fight so hungry people can eat, I’ll be there.

If they want to do that, hook it up

The NYT has an article on how “Newt Gingrich has set his sights not on the presidency, but on the restoration of God to a central place in American government and culture.” And when he says God, he of course means Newt Gingrich. Newton is forming a committee called American Solutions for Winning the Future (or ass-woof for short).

As I write, Newtie is supposed to have a program on God and politics on Fox, but is being preempted by some sort of rescue operation on Mt Hood. Maybe there is a God.

Harry Reid says he’ll “go along with” a “surge” increase in troops in Iraq and “give the military anything they want.” Leadership, ladies and gentlemen, leadership.

From News of the Weird, quoting the Washington Blade, the feds have been going after assets that Enron executives put in the names of their spouses, all except for one guy, who plead guilty to illegally obtaining $16.5m but put assets in the name of his same-sex partner.

Guantanamo hunger-strike update: 3 hunger strikers still being force-fed. Guard commander Col. Wade Dennis says of them, “If they want to do that, hook it up.”

Today’s must-read: the NYT on the Iraqi legal system, which is not legal or a system or wholly Iraqi, and it’s worse than you think.

Of magic bullets, bush blessings, the appropriate response to a hand grenade, karaoke and coups

Unfortunate metaphor of the week, from the director of HIV/AIDS for the World Health Organization, Dr. Kevin De Cock (whose name is also unfortunate; I mean, really... “Kevin”), who says that circumcision can reduce the risk of HIV infection but is “not a magic bullet”.

Unfortunate headline of the week, regarding Mary Cheney’s pregnancy: “Lesbian Mother Gets Bush Blessing” (The Sunday Telegraph, which also translated Chimpy’s original quote, “Mary Cheney is going to make a fine mom” for the benefit of its down-market English readers: “Mary Cheney is going to make a fine mum”. The story ends with this fine sentence: “The manner of Miss Cheney’s impregnation and the father’s identity have not been revealed.”).

The US Army has produced a new manual on counter-insurgency (those who can’t do, write manuals), which I haven’t seen yet but which seems to be an etiquette guide, preparing military personnel “to be greeted with a hand grenade or a handshake, and to respond appropriately to each”. Something about not using the left hand, I’m guessing.

The British Education Ministry reports that millions of British adults cannot read well enough to keep up with karaoke machines. They seem to think this is a bad thing. “New York, New York” evidently requires the reading skills of an 11-year old (plus 11 glasses of warm beer).

Palestinian President Abbas has announced that there will be new elections. In case you’re wondering, no, he does not have the power to do this. Hamas is now in the position of either boycotting illegitimate elections, or standing in them and accepting the illegitimate results. Or going to option 3, civil war. I’m not sure why Abbas thinks he’ll win either the elections (yes I am: he plans to rig them) or a civil war, even with all the American arms that have been arriving for his “presidential guard.”

The WaPo Style Invitational is especially good this week, bad ideas for toys.

A teapot museum here, a teapot museum there, and pretty soon it adds up to real money

In his weekly radio address, Bush claimed that the economy was in great shape. For example, retail sales were up in November! Just like every November since the invention of Christmas! Also, “another bit of holiday cheer”: real hourly wages rose by an entire, whopping 2.3% this year. “That may not sound like a lot,” he said, and then tried unsuccessfully to make it sound like a lot.

Then he talked about earmarks. He’s against them. The typical earmark, in his presentation, is “a swimming pool or a teapot museum.” Yes, it was the $400,000 for the Sparta Teapot Museum (“Steeped in Surprises”) that broke the budget, just when Bush was preparing to ask for another $100 billion supplemental appropriation for the war (or 250,000 teapot museums). Now let’s see, what would be a good visual metaphor for what that $100 billion will be spent on...

Rummy goes bye bye

It’s been confirmed by the medical examiner that Florida botched an execution this week, essentially having to execute the guy twice. The first time, the needle was stuck not into the vein, but all the way through it, so that the chemicals went into his flesh, burning it. Jeb Bush suspends executions until March. Elsewhere, a federal district judge continues a suspension of executions in California, saying that its lethal injection regimen is so painful that it amounts to cruel and unusual punishment. In the last 3 executions here, the prisoner may have been conscious (but paralyzed) when the hot shot went in.

On his way out as secretary of war, Donald Rumsfeld went on Fox, took some pot shots at the UN, Kofi Annan, at Old Europe, which he decried for spending less than 2% of their GDP on the military, which he blamed on their aging populations and the fact that “They have large numbers of Muslims in their population”. He said for I believe the third time this week that Bush is the “victim of his success,” because 9/11 “caused our country to recognize there was a problem, a threat; that we were vulnerable, that we as free people, by our very way of life, put ourselves at risk, and our openness. And the farther we get away from September 11th, the less concern there is about that threat.” I’m suddenly reminded of Bob Dole in 1996, repeatedly asking “Where’s the outrage?” Bushies keep asking where’s the mindless fear they used to such advantage. Asked his greatest regret, he said, “Oh, goodness. I guess that one would have hoped that the -- Iraq and Afghanistan conflicts would have been concluded more rapidly.” He “guesses” that one would have hoped that. Guesses. And on Abu Ghraib, he again blamed the “midnight shift,” who ignored his clear instructions to treat prisoners humanely, “And it just was -- you know, look at what happens in the United States in any given day and any given night in any given city -- some very bad things happen.” Naked human pyramids? Only if the given city is San Francisco. “Human beings are not perfect. ... And that’s not what our country does.” Really? Because I’ve seen the pictures.

And then it was party time! Or at least a “full honor review,” whatever one of those might be. Bush said of Rummy, “We’ve been through war together.” Sure you have. Said, “He took ballistic missile defense from theory to reality.” Did you know we can shoot ICBMs down now? When did that happen? And Bush gave him his highest accolade: “It was easy to understand him.” There we agree. It was easy to understand Rumsfeld. He was a douchebag.

They will do it anyway

Condi Rice tells the WaPo that there is no need to talk to Iran and Syria about helping stabilize Iraq: “If they have an interest in a stable Iraq, they will do it anyway.” Two things wrong with that which you wouldn’t think would need to be explained to the nation’s top diplomat: 1) they aren’t doing it anyway, 2) the purpose of diplomacy is not, generally speaking, to persuade nations to do what they already want to do anyway.

Bush debates imaginary people (still loses)

The Israelis held up Palestinian Prime Minister Ismail Haniyev (Hamas) for several hours at the Egypt-Palestine border, ostensibly because he was carrying $35 million (they’d closed the entire border in order to prevent the money coming into Gaza, which they are trying to strangle to death), but possibly, or at least foreseeably, also because the delay would give Fatah gunmen time to arrange an assassination attempt. Which they did, though they succeeded only in killing his bodyguard.

And the Israeli Supreme Court unanimously ruled that assassination is legal.

Yesterday I quoted Bush saying, “I’ve heard some ideas that would lead to defeat, and I reject those ideas -- ideas such as leaving before the job is done; ideas such as not helping this government take the necessary and hard steps to be able to do its job.” Linguist Geoffrey Pullum comments that it’s rather unlikely anyone ever told Bush, “Mr President, I think leaving before the job is done would be the best course,” so that what Bush is doing, putting “claims in imaginary people’s mouths before rebutting them... is not just a figure of speech. It’s lying.”

Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo “Honest” Abe admits that he rigged “town hall” meetings. He will forfeit his pay for three months.

Chimpy and Yayi

If circumcision cuts the risk of HIV infection in half, wouldn’t castration be just that much more effective?

Today Bush met with Benin’s president, Boni Yayi, who has such a fun name he should be a coup leader in Fiji.


As was the case yesterday, Bush seems to have difficulty distinguishing countries from human beings: “And, Mr. President, I’m proud to announce today that you’re one of the countries that we’ll be concentrating our help upon.”



Then they both attended a “White House Summit on Malaria,” which Bush said “sounded like a festive occasion.” Ha ha. Let’s send him to Africa with a fly-swatter and a couple of cans of Raid to take care of the problem personally.


That’s Isaiah Washington, who is black and plays a doctor on television, which to the Bushes makes him an expert on tropical medicine, plus he gets to make out with Sandra Oh, so there’s that.

But one thing people got to understand is we’ll be headed toward achieving our objectives

Bush met today with military people about Iraq (I believe this was his last such meeting, and I would bet that Cheney made sure he heard from Rumsfeld, the alliterate Peter Pace, and the Joint Chiefs last, since Bush does tend to agree with whoever talked to him last). Bush said afterwards, “I thank these men who wear our uniform for a very candid and fruitful discussion about the -- about how to secure this country, and how to win a war that we now find ourselves in.” Find ourselves in? Have we been sleep-invading again? Or did we just take a wrong turn at Albuquerque?

What did they talk about? Why, “We spent a lot of time talking about a new way forward in Iraq”. Sick of that phrase yet?


He says that in the last quarter of 2006 we have captured or killed 5,900 of the enemy. Funny, I thought they didn’t do body counts.

Addressing the troops, he reassured them that he is “focused on developing a strategy that will help them achieve their mission.” That’s what happens when you sleep-invade, you always forget something. Bullets, check, Humvees, check, strategy... d’oh! Still, we’ve done so well without a strategy so far that there’s really no hurry: “I’m not going to be rushed into making a difficult decision, a necessary decision, to say to our troops, we’re going to give you the tools necessary to succeed and a strategy to help you succeed.” In fact, he says about the postponing until January of his speech to the American people on the subject, “actually, I was quite flexible about when I was going to give my speech, to begin with”. See, whoever said Bush isn’t flexible? “And at the appropriate time, I will stand up in front of the nation and say here’s where we’re headed. But one thing people got to understand is we’ll be headed toward achieving our objectives.”


Asked if he’s heard any new ideas that might make him, god forbid, change his “thinking” (that’s a reporter’s over-generous terminology, not mine), he said he’d heard some interesting ideas, but won’t tell us what they are, and “I’ve heard some ideas that would lead to defeat, and I reject those ideas -- ideas such as leaving before the job is done”. And “I want to make sure I hear from as many of those ideas and opinions as possible. Today I heard from some opinions that matter a lot to me... And I am proud to have listened to their points of view.”

What do these men have to smile about?

I’m smiling because I am so fucking, I mean, golly gracious, out of here!

In his last days in the White House, Richard Nixon talked to the portraits of former presidents. Bush wouldn’t do that of course, because he’s never heard of any of them, although “George Herbert Walker Bush” sounds a little familiar to him, but he talks to families who die, and now ideas and opinions “speak” to him. Anything else? “And we spend a lot of time in our government talking to people like Saudi Arabia, or Egypt, or Jordan, or Turkey”.

He’s also been speaking with a lot of Iraqis whose names he didn’t quite catch: “today on the telephone I spoke to the two Kurdish leaders... I met with the major Sunni leader yesterday”. Think when he talked to those Kurdish leaders, he called them “Kurdish Guy One” and “Kurdish Guy Two”? Really, there are, what 25 million Iraqis? You can’t expect him to know more than one of their names. And that one lucky guy is Prime Minister Maliki: “In my conversations with him, I have said, are you going to promote a unity government, or will you be so divisive in your approach that you can’t achieve the objectives that the Iraqi people expect you to achieve? How do I know they expect to achieve? They voted; 12 million of them actually went to the polls and expressed their opinions.” He doesn’t actually say what Maliki’s answer was. And does the White House have a special translator who can render Broken English into Arabic? What is the Arabic for “How do I know they expect to achieve”?

Not surprisingly, if he can’t keep people’s names straight, how can he keep countries separate, which is why he said that it’s in the interests of Gulf Coast that there be a stable Iran, “an Iran that is capable of rejecting Iranian influence.”

Bush said if we fail in Iraq, “It would certainly make it more likely that moderate people around the Middle East would wonder about the United States’ will. Moderate people -- moderate governments in the Middle East would be making irrational decisions about their future.” I don’t know what that means, but neither does he, so that’s okay then. I wouldn’t care to attempt to diagram his last sentence, either: “And as I deliberate the way forward, I keep in mind that we’ve got brave souls that need -- to need to know that we’re in this fight with a strategy to help them achieve the objectives that we’ve got.” Do they really need to know that? Really?

Nobody sang Kumbaya

The Bush admin is fighting the court decision that it must make different denominations of paper money detectable by feel, saying that blind people can just use credit cards, or portable reading devices (which cost $350, or at least this one does). Or possibly they can have their butlers tell them what each bill is – doesn’t everyone have butlers?

Outgoing ambassador to the UN and wielder of the Mustache of Death, John Bolton, when asked if he had made peace with equally outgoing UN SecGen Kofi Annan, replied, “Nobody sang ‘Kumbaya.’” Told of this, Annan wondered, “But does he know how to sing it?”

In an interview with Laura Ingraham, couldn’t-be-outgoing-fast-enough-for-my-taste Secretary of War Rumsfeld said that the exact right number of troops was sent to Iraq. He also displayed his historical grasp of counter-insurgency campaigns: “And you think of the insurgency in -- in -- oh, Algeria, for example, I’m trying to remember, I think it was 10 or 12 years long. And that’s the nature of it. And it was the Algerian people, ultimately, that put it down and that will be the case here.” Actually, I just realized that he may not have been referring to the Algerian War (which France lost), but to the 1990s when the military cancelled elections after the Islamic Salvation Front won the first round, and put down their subsequent rebellion with a Pinochet-esque brutality. Either way, not really a role model.

The US and Russia, which were supposed to have destroyed their chemical weapons stockpiles next year, have been granted another 5 years (and India and Libya until 2009 and 2010 respectively) from the oversight organization. I feel safer already.

Bush meets some guy

Today George Bush met Vice President, um, Thingamabob of Iraq: “It’s been my honor to meet with the Vice President of Iraq again. I had the pleasure of meeting the Vice President in Baghdad. ... The Vice President suffered unspeakable violence in his family. ... And Mr. Vice President, I respect your courage and I respect your advice. ... I spent time with the Vice President today talking about the conditions in Iraq... And my heart goes out to those, Mr. Vice President, who have suffered at the hands of extremists and killers. ... And so Mr. Vice President, my message to you today, and to the Iraqi people is, we want to help you...” Whoever you are.


“And I thank you for being a leader of one aspect of Iraqi society -- you’re the leader of many Sunnis and you’re committed to a government that is Shia, Sunni, Kurdish and everybody else in your country, every other group in your country that will help us yield peace.”

Oh, my goodness, the terrorists are winning and everyone else is losing

Rumsfeld was interviewed by Sean Hannity, the only, um, journalist allowed to accompany him on his surprise visit to Iraq. He explained the unpopularity of Bush’s policies: “And this president is almost a victim of the success he has had in preventing another attack in our country, because people have allowed the nature of the threat to diminish in their minds. And I think that we ought not to.” Poor Bush, a victim of his own success.

Says that we shouldn’t judge Iraq based on how many people get killed: “Today, the president’s being measured on the amount of violence in Iraq, and basically in Baghdad. It’s three or four provinces out of 18 in one country. That is not the measure; that is the wrong measure. If that were to be the only metric or measure of success or failure, my goodness, then you’ve given the game to the enemy. All they have to do is keep violence up in Baghdad, and the media that’s there will say, ‘Oh, my goodness, the terrorists are winning and everyone else is losing.’ That’s not it. But, regrettably, there are not good metrics to determine how it’s actually going on, what’s happening.” So, um, I’m pretty sure that means we’re winning, and pay no attention to the suicide bomb attack in Baghdad that killed 70 people this morning, because that is not the measure, that is the wrong measure and if we pay attention to the 70 dead (and 230+ wounded), “for some I could only find their heads,” my goodness you’ve given the game to the enemy.

Oh, and he says he “skimmed” the IGS report.

On the other hand, a blind guy, a rifle, an alligator, and half an ounce of marijuana, that’s a party!

Texas state legislator Edmund Kuempel is sponsoring a bill to let blind people hunt. Said Huempel, “This opens up the fun of hunting to additional people, and I think that’s great.” I supported this right up until I read that they’d have to have someone sighted with them, because I figured it would open up the fun of being hunted to hunters in the vicinity, and I think that’s great.

Speaking of dangerous combinations, a man whose car was stopped at a checkpoint in Arizona was found to have a 4-foot alligator in a suitcase and a quantity of marijuana.

Focus

Bush spent some of the morning being briefed by the State Department about Iraq for a full 90 minutes, which as we know is his limit. Then he talked to the press (didn’t take any questions, in case they quizzed him about what he’d learned in class today or what the difference between Sunnis and Shiites is), made sure to use the phrase “new way forward.”


He said, “Like most Americans, this administration wants to succeed in Iraq”. Ignoring the question of what most Americans really want, it’s funny that things have gone so badly that every time he speaks he has to say that he does really actually want to succeed.


He says that in Iraq’s “neighborhood” – and what is his allergy to the word “region”? did it not focus-group well, or is this a personal thing? – “[w]e believe that most of the countries understand that a mainstream society, a society that is a functioning democracy, is in their interests.” When exactly have countries in the Middle East demonstrated this attachment to democracy? “And it’s up to us to help focus their attentions and focus their efforts on helping the Iraqis succeed.” So the problem is their “focus,” Mister Easily Distracted By Shiny Objects?


Bush is aiming at announcing the, um, new way forward before Christmas. All things considered, I’d rather just get socks.

Wherein Rumsfeld breaks Taliban rule #9

I say Pinochet’s faking it again. Put him on trial anyway.

Sort of a Peter-Sellers-by-way-of-Mussolini look
Rumsfeld did not meet with any Iraqis on his visit to Iraq. According to his press secretary, “It was not a public trip whatsoever.” So I’m sure he paid his own expenses.

The Taliban has issued a set of rules for its members. #9: do not use jihad equipment for personal ends. Rule #18: no smoking. Rule #19: no fucking young boys. Also: all schools must be burned, but the religious books should be removed first. And beheadings should take place after the trial.

All spit

Karzai has fired the governor of Helmand province, and while there’s nothing at all in the American papers, the British ones are abuzz, since that’s where British troops operate and the Brits had recommended the guy, Mohammed Daud, as the man to clean up the province’s corruption and poppy cultivation, and he had made a good start. The Sunday Times thinks he was fired at the behest of drug lords, the Sindy says it was the Americans because Daud was coming to local truces with the Taliban, but neither have much evidence (nor an ability to read Karzai’s mind). Still, this is a significant story for what it tells us about the real balance of power in Afghanistan; it would be nice to know more. It would also be nice if the American press paid some attention to Afghanistan from time to time.

The Pentagon website says of Rumsfeld’s trip to Iraq that American soldiers treated him “like a rock star.” Possibly because Iraq looks like a hotel room that The Who stayed in, possibly because they’re hoping he’ll suffocate on his own vomit... Rummy went to Iraq to “thank servicemembers for their dedication, sacrifices and patriotism.” Although if he’d asked them, they probably would have said, no don’t bother making that long trip, we’d be perfectly happy to come to where you are, really it would be no trouble at all.

In an article about John Ashcroft I encountered a phrase I hadn’t heard before: “He’s all spit and no sidewalk.” Use it today.

Rumsfeld: by golly, it’s important

Well, the transcript of Rummy’s last “town hall” meeting is out now, although I stand by yesterday’s preliminary reaction: “oh just fuck off already.”

What struck me is how often he disparaged the press during it. For someone who’s supposed to be this blunt guy who doesn’t care what people think about him, he seems awfully thin-skinned. Examples:
-“we’ve not always seen eye to eye, I haven’t, with the press, but I still hold out hope that over time, they’ll get it close to right”
-“[Soldiers] stood guard in Guantanamo over some of the world’s most dangerous terrorists, while suffering grossly uninformed and irresponsible charges in the media from almost every quarter”
-Asked how he wants history to remember him: “My goodness. Better than the local press.”

And he described the program of bribing Iraqi newspapers as “trying to reduce the number of people getting killed over there by asking people to print the truth, and paying them to do that.”

Also, asked what was his worst day in the job, he said, “the worst day was Abu Ghraib and seeing that -- what went on there and feeling so deeply sorry that that happened.” Abu Ghraib wasn’t a day, it was long months and years of abuse and torture; by day, he means the day it came into the light; that’s what he’s deeply sorry about. Even then, he insists that Abu Ghraib “demonstrated to the world how our democracy deals openly and decisively with such egregious wrongdoing. And yes, I remember the irresponsible comments by some who tried to sully the image of the courageous and dedicated men and women in uniform who keep the American people safe.”

Rumsfeld, as we know, was never been able to comment on anything critical of him that appears in the press or in books because he hadn’t read it yet (examples here and here), and guess what, he hasn’t read all of the Baker Commission report either. But one gets the sense that he’s not terribly impressed: “And there are some people who say, ‘Well, you should do this or that or the other thing,’ and I can tell you I can’t think of a thing that anyone thought of that General Pace and General Abizaid and those folks have not been working on and analyzing and studying and adjusting to over time.” In fact, he’s not terribly impressed with anyone advising Bush on Iraq whose name is not Donald Henry Rumsfeld: “He’s been meeting with outside academics and people, so-called experts”.

So if he doesn’t read reports, newspapers, or the ISG report, what does he read? History books, he says, by which he means what your average chain bookstore means by “history books”: books about wars. The Revolutionary War, World War II, and he tried to read about the Civil War, but found it too upsetting because the people killed in it were all Americans. Yes, he really said that, the man who wants us to respond to deaths in Afghanistan and Iraq with “patience” and “staying power.”

By the way, the lesson he gleaned from reading about World War II is that we shouldn’t count the Iraq war as having lasted longer than American involvement in World War II, because that’s “totally ignoring the period after World War II, where the German government didn’t even have a government I don’t think until 1949”. 1949 was when everyone gave up on re-unifying Germany and officially formed two separate states.

His final words – and you just know one of those final words was golly – two of them, in fact – on our military adventures: “But by golly, it -- something important isn’t easy, and this isn’t easy. And by golly, it’s important, and we’d better do it right.”

Jackass. Dick. Motherless motherfuck.

(Update: and then he went to Iraq for a, um, victory lap. Can you do a quagmire lap?)

Well, if anyone knows about terrible mistakes...

If I had to watch all the Bush press conferences I blog about, I’d have drowned in my own stomach acids long ago. But if you think you can’t despise Bush more than you already do, you should look at the video of yesterday’s presser with Blair, I can’t find it as a clip but at 22 minutes in, he’s asked to prove he wasn’t still in denial about Iraq, and he snaps, “It’s bad in Iraq,” then does this sharp nod, says, “Does that help?” and then the “Heh heh heh” thing. It was bad enough in the transcript, but seeing it... could not be more loathsome.
(Update: thanks to alert reader sam_m for a link to that clip.)

Well, not without swastikas and chants of “Sieg Heil,” such as were seen at a meeting of a Polish political party, part of the governing coalition, the League of Polish Families. Swastikas in Poland!

No swastikas at Rumsfeld’s very last Pentagon “town hall meeting” today, although he did flash some sort of gang sign.


He said withdrawing troops from Afghanistan and/or Iraq would be a “terrible mistake” and bitched about American impatience and... oh just fuck off already.

There’s a funny typo in the Pentagon website article about the event: “Rumsfeld acknowledged the Iraqis who ‘through it all, believe their future is bright,’ and who ‘are working to forget something they have never had before: a free (and) representative country.’” Took me a minute to realize that must have been “forge” rather than “forget.”

Respecting people’s private spheres

The editor-in-chief of Playboy Indonesia (which started publishing earlier this year) is on trial for publishing pictures of women in underwear and, the prosecutor was at pains to point out, “inviting expressions on their faces.”

Thomas Hardy infected his wife with syphilis. College lit professors sigh at the thought of that tidbit showing up in every paper on Hardy they have to read for the rest of their lives.

The German vice-president of the European Commission, Günter Verheugen, 62 and married, was spotted and photographed, naked (except for a baseball cap, possibly worn on his head, the papers don’t say) on a Lithuanian nudist beach with his female chief of staff, 48, last August. The EC president, José Manuel Barroso, said that “people’s private spheres” should be respected, but a German magazine will publish the pictures of Verheugen’s private spheres anyway.

Bush met with members of Congress today to talk about Iraq. Afterwards, he said they should do it again some time: “And the reason you meet on a regular basis is so that the American people can know that we’re working hard to find common ground.” Yes, it’s all about looking like you’re accomplishing something, rather than actually accomplishing something. Then, Mr. “I talk to families who die” held an impromptu seance.


Hastert communed with the spirits of tuna melts past, while Frist was haunted by the ghostly hissing of spectral kitties.

One of the people the Iraq Study Group didn’t take testimony from: Juan Cole.

Nice Simon Hoggart sketch of the Bush-Blair press conference.

Bush & Blair press conference: I talk to families who die

In a press conference with Tony Blair, held in front of a humongous presidential seal, Bush again sort of praised the Iraq Study Group: “I appreciated the fact that they laid out a series of recommendations, and they’re worthy of serious study.” In fact, he’ll study the Study Group’s study, and will do so in his study. Soon loses all meaning, doesn’t it? Study study study study. A whole lot of studying going on for a test I’m pretty sure we flunked more than three years ago. George isn’t doing so well on his book report either, since the only thing he can come up with to say about the ISG report is that it lays out a series of recommendations.

Fellow students, prepare to be dazzled! Well, as Mrs. Krabappel already mentioned, the name of the book that I read was “Treasure Island.” It’s about these... pirates. Pirates... with patches over their eyes... and... shiny gold teeth... and green birds on their shoulders... Did I mention this book was written by a guy named Robert Lewis Stevenson? And published by the good people at McGraw Hill. So, in conclusion, on the Simpson scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, one being the lowest, and five being average, I give this book... a nine.

Indeed, Bush informs us that “a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody, but “To show you how important this one is, I read it, and our guest read it. The Prime Minister read -- read a report prepared by a commission. And this is important.” You’ll notice the premise here is that Bush reads so few things that anything he does read he must consider really important. I’m not saying that, Bush himself is saying that.



Britain’s own Mrs. Krabappel, Anthony Charles Lynton Blair, must spend these things with an imaginary blue pencil in his head, correcting all Bush’s grammatical errors, like this one: “The increase in sectarian attacks we’re seeing in and around Baghdad are unsettling.” That’s right, Mr. Blair, around here we don’t go in for that namby-pamby, la-di-da subject-verb agreement. Two countries divided by a single, or in Bush’s case half of a, language.

However, though Bush continued to speak shit while Blair spoke shite, Blair did have some difficulty with his arithmetic: “But there are only two ways that the Middle East can go. Its people can either be presented with a choice between a secular or a religious dictatorship, which is not a choice that any free people would ever choose, or alternatively, they can enjoy the same possibilities of democracy that we hold dear in our countries.” Three ways, that’s one, two, three ways.



In the q&a, Bush said, “The thing I liked about the Baker-Hamilton report is it discussed the way forward in Iraq.” Yes, and it lays out a series of recommendations. Wasn’t that the whole idea? He sounds like he’s surprised it wasn’t about trout fishing in British Columbia or something.

“Tough” was one of his favorite words today: “I understand how tough it is. And I’ve been telling the American people how tough it is. And they know how tough it is. ... And I have made it abundantly clear how tough it is. ... As you can tell, I feel strongly about making sure you understand that I understand it’s tough.” And so on. After a while, Blair started using it too.

Bush also snapped at a reporter, “It’s bad in Iraq. That help?” Um, not really.



Also, e-fricking-nough already of the talk about achieving objectives: he talked with Blair about “the way forward, so we can achieve the objective,” the Baker-Hamilton strategy to “achieve an objective,” helping the Maliki government “achieve the objective,” “do we have a plan to achieve our objective?”, Iran “would be using that nuclear weapon to blackmail to achieve political objectives,” and half a dozen more, by which time, again, copy-cat Blair was using it too.

Just like Sen. Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, who said a couple of days ago, “I talk to those who’ve lost their lives, and they have that sense of duty and mission,” Bush had his own Ghost Whisperer moment: “Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die.”



He talks to families who die, but will he talk to Syria and Iran, as the ISG recommended? “[T]hese countries understand our position. They know what’s expected of them. There is -- if we were to have a conversation, it would be this one, to Syria: Stop destabilizing the Siniora government. ... Stop allowing money and arms to cross your border into Iraq. Don’t provide safe haven for terrorist groups. We’ve made that position very clear.” Not so much a “conversation” as an ultimatum, really.

Asked if he could admit his past failures in Iraq, Bush said, “I do know that we have not succeeded as fast as we wanted to succeed. I do understand that progress is not as rapid as I had hoped.” So that’s a “no.”



No one asked Bush (or, indeed, Blair) for his reaction to Mary Cheney’s pregnancy, I’m sorry to say.

(Thanks to this site for the Bart quote.)

The Iraq Study Group report

William Caldwell IV, Military Moron, has an op-ed in the WaPo, in which he says, “I don’t see a civil war in Iraq. I don’t see a constituency for civil war.” And he should know: “I studied civil wars at West Point”. So that settles that.

Okay, I’ve read the Iraq Study Group report (pdf). Nine months to come up with this, huh?

The funny thing is that the assessment of the situation in Iraq is actually more realistic (and depressing) than I would have expected from this bunch: grave and deteriorating situation, Shiite and Sunni politicians in the government not especially influential, militias “seen as legitimate vehicles of political action,” etc etc. It’s just the recommendations that are unhelpful and even unserious, since I can’t believe anyone who understood and accepted that assessment would also believe that the commission’s recommendations could a) be implemented, b) help much if they were.

Most of the focus on international diplomacy (“The United States should immediately launch a new diplomatic offensive to build an international consensus for stability in Iraq and the region”) is DOA. Bush won’t talk with Iran and Syria, they won’t join any “Iraq International Support Group,” there will not in fact be an Iraq International Support Group. Bush isn’t going to spend his last 2 years in office solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. By the way, these are the juicy incentives the ISG suggests we offer Iran and Syria:

i. An Iraq that does not disintegrate and destabilize its neighbors and the region.
ii. The continuing role of the United States in preventing the Taliban from destabilizing Afghanistan.
iii. Accession to international organizations, including the World Trade Organization.
iv. Prospects for enhanced diplomatic relations with the United States.
v. The prospect of a U.S. policy that emphasizes political and economic reforms instead of (as Iran now perceives it) advocating regime change.
vi. Prospects for a real, complete, and secure peace to be negotiated between Israel and Syria, with U.S. involvement as part of a broader initiative on Arab-Israeli peace as outlined below.

Dude, you had me at “enhanced diplomatic relations with the United States.”

By the way, it doesn’t really have 79 recommendations. Some of them are repetitive, and one (#24) just says that the timetable for the benchmarks in #23 may be unrealistic.

A bunch of them relate to oil, you’ll be surprised to hear. Otherwise, it’s mostly all about training and embedding (or, as the ISG put it in order to emphasize their maverick independence, imbedding). They seem to put rather a lot of faith in the power of the proximity of an American or two to improve the characters, competence and courage of any Iraqi in their vicinity. Honestly, I’ve been near Americans my entire life, and I don’t know that it’s made me a better, braver person (and yes I will cut out the alliteration now).

It’s not just the Iraqi military that needs the purifying power (that one just came out) of “imbedded” Americans, but every branch of government. For example, “The ethos and training of Iraqi police forces must support the mission to ‘protect and serve’ all Iraqis. Today, far too many Iraqi police do not embrace that mission”. Also ag, oil, whatever. Of course those require Americans who aren’t in the military and may not really want to go to Iraq. So #74 suggests simply ordering civilian government employees into Iraq anyway.

As I said, it took them nine months to come up with this. It’s a paean to, indeed a fetishization of consensus, anywhere and everywhere: “reconciliation” in Iraq itself, the “new international consensus for stability in Iraq,” and in the US (“success depends on the unity of the American people”). This should come as no surprise after the ISG developed their own consensus through nine endless months of team-bonding and trust exercises – rope courses, drumming, falling backwards into Ed Meese’s arms, etc.

It wasn’t worth it.

Some really very interesting proposals

Bush has received the Baker-Hamilton Commission report.


I can’t wait to color it in.

He says, “It is a report that brings some really very interesting proposals, and we will take every proposal seriously and we will act in a timely fashion.” Not without a time machine.



He suggests that Congress also “take this report seriously” and lectures them, not at all in the slightest bit condescendingly, that “The country, in my judgment, is tired of pure political bickering that happens in Washington, and they understand that on this important issue of war and peace, it is best for our country to work together.” And what better way to get people to work with you than to accuse them of pure political bickering.

What Americans are trying to figure out is why Iraqis are killing Iraqis when you have a better future ahead

Fiji has indeed had a coup. As is the custom, Australia was asked to send troops to prevent it and, as is the custom, it refused. An interesting sidebar: Fiji is a COW (Coalition of the Willing) country. What happens to its troops, currently helping bring democracy to Iraq?

By the way, I misread the title of the coup leader: he’s Commodore Bananarama, not Commander Bananarama. I’m not sure any coup has been instigated by a commodore before, although there was a flight lieutenant (Ghana).

According to the Guardian, Iran’s President Ahmadinejad is under attack from, how shall I put this gently, the religious loons who normally back him, because he attended the opening ceremonies of the Asian Games, which featured women singing and dancing, and he did not immediately run from the stadium (he claims he had already left).

Yesterday, Bush met with Abdul-Aziz Al-Hakim, head of the Supreme Council for the Islamic Revolution in Iraq (SCIRI). I’m not sure if his chair was facing the Christmas tree, and if so whether he was more put off by the tree or by the expression on Sadly Hadley’s face (possibly Hakim had just told him that Santa isn’t real?).



Bush said afterwards, “I told His Eminence that I was proud of the courage of the Iraqi people.” Proud? Like he’s responsible in some way for that courage? Granted, he is responsible for the need for courage.

Later, Bush told Fox News, “what Americans are trying to figure out is why Iraqis are killing Iraqis when you have a better future ahead.” Yes, that’s exactly what Americans are trying to figure out.

In a speech later in the day, Hakim also took a position against Iraqis killing Iraqis, calling instead for Americans to kill Iraqis (Sunni Iraqis, of course): “The strikes they are getting from the multinational forces are not hard enough to put an end to their acts.” He made this speech to the US Institute for Peace.

In that Fox interview, Bush praised Maliki: “I think he is -- I know he is prepared to take on the fact that there are murderers inside that society. What I’m looking for is somebody that says, a society in which murder and assassination takes place is not acceptable, regardless of who’s doing it. And I absolutely believe that the prime minister and Mr. Hakim are committed to ending murder. The hard work is to get it done, particularly when you have outside influences like al Qaeda stirring up sectarian violence, these suiciders are spectacular death.”

Bush praised John Bolton for choosing “to leave gracefully”. Who says “this business about graceful exit just simply has no realism to it at all”? Bush blamed “the shallow politics of the Senate”. He also portrayed Rumsfeld’s resignation as entirely Rummy’s decision after the two of them had “a very heart-to-heart.” Adding, “One thing about Don Rumsfeld is he understood mistakes.”

Asked again whether Iraq is in a civil war: “Listen, I’ve heard a lot of voices say that. And I’ve talked to people there in Iraq who don’t believe that’s the case. For example, some would argue that the fact that 90 percent of the country -- let me just say this -- most of the country outside of the Baghdad area, is relatively peaceful, doesn’t indicate a civil war as far as they’re concerned. And by the way, I get briefings all the time about where the level of violence is and the American people I think would be interested to know, most of it occurs around the Baghdad area. And therefore they don’t get to see, kind of the normalcy of life outside of the Baghdad area.”

Once again denied that his father was bailing him out, says he didn’t even tell him in advance that he’d be appointing Gates. Also, he just knows more stuff than his father: “Listen, I love my dad. But he understands what I know, that the level of information I have relative to the level of information most other people have, including himself, is significant and that he trusts me to make decisions.”

Speaking of that level of information, he described both the Rumsfeld memo and the Baker Commission report and so on as “advice documents.” “It’s very hard for me to, you know, prejudice one report over another. They’re all important.” Although the one he asked the Pentagon to write, to counter the Baker report, may just be that little bit more important.

He said that he “feels” that people are praying for him. Not that he knows it because people say they’re praying for him, but actually feels it. “Because the load is not heavy, I guess is the best way to describe it. Look, somebody said to me, prove it. I said, you can’t prove it. All I can tell you is I feel it. And it’s a remarkable country when millions pray for me and Laura. So therefore I am able to say to people that this is a joyful experience. Not a painful experience.” So glad he’s enjoying himself.

Chimpy & the chocolate factory

This morning Bush had over to the White House some children whose parents are serving overseas in the military for a production of “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” He told the kids “I know it’s tough to have your mom or dad overseas, and we wish you all the best.” Yeah, good luck with that. “But it’s really important work. And so we wanted to welcome you here to the White House to, first of all, thank you for your strength, and so that you would do me a favor and email your mom or dad who is overseas how much the Commander-in-Chief respects them, admires them and supports them.” Then they all met Santa Claus, possibly played by John Bolton (Bush also issued a statement blaming Democrats’ “stubborn obstructionism” for “disrupting” his vital work of stubbornly obstructing the United Nations). Anyway, here are some pictures for you to caption. Try not to make fun of the kids. Their names are Addis Bugg and Chauncey Liscomb. Really, try not to make fun of the kids – did I mention that their names are Addis Bugg and Chauncey Liscomb? (Chauncey, by the way, is the white one)

The question every Fijian is asking

The thing about coups in Fiji (one of which seems to be going on now, rather slowly) is that the people who lead them have really fun names, like Commander Frank Bainimarama (pronounced just like it’s spelled, at least on Radio Australia) or Sitiveni Rabuka (pronounced just like it’s spelled). Total assholes, of course, like Bibi Netanyahu, who left office the same week as Rabuka in 1999, but really fun names.

I just did a search for Bainimarama, and Yahoo asked: “Did you mean: Bananarama”

Cut and run is not his cup of tea

Stephen Hadley, on the Sunday talk show circuit run, said that Bush won’t use the Iraq Study Group commission as cover for withdrawal from Iraq: “That isn’t graceful withdrawal, that’s cut and run. And, of course, as the president’s said, cut and run is not his cup of tea.” Best... mixed metaphor... ever!

Tim Russert asked Sadly Hadley (I’ve decided Hadley needs a nickname; his name also rhymes with badly and madly – and nadly, which isn’t a word but suggests a certain gonadal quality – but somehow I suspect I’ll wind up using “Boo” Hadley) if the thing about taking our hand off the bicycle seat in the Rummy memo didn’t imply that the Iraqis were like children. Hadley: “I think what’s interesting about the meeting the president had with Prime Minister Maliki this week in Amman, Jordan, is that it was Prime Minister Maliki who came in to the president and said, ‘We in the Iraqi unity government are ready to take more responsibility for our own future.’” Stevie, that just makes Maliki sound like a kid giving a speech about why he needs a larger allowance.

Hadley blamed the current dismal security situation on Saddam Hussein’s army for losing to us so quickly: “You know, Tim, people forget that, that we had hoped to have 150,000 to 200,000 Iraqi army forces to help in the security proposition, and those forces melted away at the close of the war.” Well that was just plain naughty of them. Now, even ignoring that Bremer dissolved the unmelted parts of the Iraqi army, is Hadley really suggesting that the plan was to defeat the Iraqi army and then the very next day put it to work under our command?

Caption contest: Hadley ran into Holy Joe Lieberman before “Face the Nation” (they appeared in separate segments). What are they saying?

Correction

In the last post, my outrage level was incorrectly set at too low a level. Let’s try again: “rewarding bad behavior” in Fallujah, Rumsfeld? RE-FUCKING-WARDING BAD BEHAVIOR IN FUCKING FALLUJAH??!!!

Go, Fighting Minimalists!

Anarchomuslim followed up on my previous post and found a picture of those Santas doing the Nazi salute (which I now know is called a Hitler-Gruß). I dunno, it could be a “Today the Arctic Circle, tomorrow the world” thing, or he could be warning of plummeting poop from a flying reindeer.


Still, there is a worse idea than a goose-stepping Santa, and it’s coming to Broadway: Tony Danza is Max Bialystock in The Producers.

Still, if there was worse casting, it was Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of War (he might make a good Max Bialystock, though)(Colin Powell as Leo Bloom, maybe?). Before he was fired, Rummy wrote a memo (unclear if this was an attempt to save his job, give advice to a successor, or burnish his reputation in some way) suggesting various possible changes to his failed Iraq policy. Benchmarks, increased training & embedding, send troops to the Iranian and Syrian borders, yadda yadda yadda. There’s an odd mix of tactics which involve the US acting like pouty children, taking our toys and going home: “Initiate an approach where U.S. forces provide security only for those provinces or cities that openly request U.S. help and that actively cooperate, with the stipulation being that unless they cooperate fully, U.S. forces would leave their province” and tactics which treat the Iraqis like pouty children: “Stop rewarding bad behavior, as was done in Fallujah when they pushed in reconstruction funds”, “Begin modest withdrawals of U.S. and Coalition forces (start ‘taking our hand off the bicycle seat’), so Iraqis know they have to pull up their socks” (or use bicycle clips, those are also useful).

There’s that old perennial, bribery: “Provide money to key political and religious leaders (as Saddam Hussein did), to get them to help us get through this difficult period.” Finally, someone’s trying to learn from the master.

Speaking of learning from the master, here’s one from the Clinton playbook: “Initiate a massive program for unemployed youth. It would have to be run by U.S. forces, since no other organization could do it.” Yes, midnight basketball.

Finally, Rummy focuses on the really important thing: making the US not look like big ol’ losers: “Announce that whatever new approach the U.S. decides on, the U.S. is doing so on a trial basis. This will give us the ability to readjust and move to another course, if necessary, and therefore not ‘lose.’ ... Recast the U.S. military mission and the U.S. goals (how we talk about them) — go minimalist.” Rummy, just go.

Actually, the document doesn’t look like what Bush calls “a plan for victory.” It’s not a coherent whole. You could implement every one of his suggestions and it wouldn’t stop Baghdad being a living hell (he specifically argues against sending in more troops to “attempt to control” Baghdad), wouldn’t stop death squad activity, etc.

At last, an exit strategy: a coin toss.
Must-read London Sunday Times article, “Death Squads Roam Baghdad’s Hospitals.” “The life of a human being was worth $600 and there were many people willing to kill patients for money.”

Unsettling

Reuters article: A German chain of shops has removed miniature wooden Santa Claus figures from its shelves and destroyed them after complaints by customers that they appeared to be giving the Hitler salute, which is outlawed. A Rossmann spokesman said: “We were astonished. He is just pointing at the sky.”

Bush’s weekly radio address, on the other hand, pointed at Iraq. He said he “recognize[s] that the recent violence in Iraq has been unsettling.” Gosh, is that what it’s been? The victims of today’s bombings in Baghdad might have a different word for it (er, the survivor’s might, the 43+ dead obviously not so much, got carried away with my own rhetoric there), but of course he meant unsettling for Americans. Those of you who have been unsettled by violence in Iraq for quite some time might wonder about the reference to “recent violence,” but the new Bush line is that everything was going just fine up until the Samarra bombing in February. He is relying on Americans regarding anything that took place farther back than 10 months as boring old ancient history, like the Peloponnesian Wars. Usually works.

Increasingly I just want to see Bush forced to define his terms, such as the “national reconciliation” he keeps saying he wants in Iraq. “Security in Iraq requires sustained action by the Iraqi security forces, yet in the long term, security in Iraq hinges on reconciliation among Iraq’s different ethnic and religious communities.” You know what doesn’t tend to lead to reconciliation? Sustained action by security forces.

Cocktails, salad and quiddich at Guantanamo

The Pentagon website has an article about how guards at Guantanamo are hurt that they have been unfairly portrayed. Says one of these sensitive souls, anonymously of course, “I wish they could see how much we care for these individuals. We pay so much attention to these detainees. Our care for them is very extensive. If a guy’s salad isn’t right, I’ll make a phone call to try and get him the correct salad.” I’m not sure what “salad” means in the no-doubt-colorful Gitmo prison lingo.

Sadly, the prisoners are inexplicably ungrateful for all the care taken over their “salads,” and often throw various bodily excreta, mixed together in a “cocktail,” at the guards, who are the true victims in all this.

As in all such articles, Guantanamo officials like to mention that Harry Potter books are special favorites among the enemy combatant set. I haven’t read the books, but Hogwarts is basically a British public school, isn’t it?, Eton with magic, so I’m guessing Harry would know what “getting him the correct salad” means.