State of the Union Address: Can you blame them for feeling a little cynical?

Transcript.

GOOD TIMES, GOOD TIMES: He starts by talking about Iraq. “We gather tonight knowing that this generation of heroes has made the United States safer and more respected around the world.” Just ask the people of Haditha about that fucking respect.

Hey, did I mention I killed bin Laden?

It took him five full sentences to get to the binLadencide; you gotta admire the restraint.

And “The Taliban’s momentum has been broken”. He’s been saying that over and over for two or three years now and he keeps failing to say what it actually means.

For the first of several times, he suggests that we should all be like members of the military because “They’re not consumed with personal ambition. They don’t obsess over their differences.” In the last iteration of this, he adds “gay or straight” to the list of differences that don’t matter in the military, which is cute, I guess. It’s the only mention of gay people in the speech.

Boehner’s doing that thing with his mouth again this year.

In 2008, “the house of cards collapsed. We learned that mortgages had been sold to people who couldn’t afford or understand them.” So he’s saying they were too stupid to understand their mortgages – “couldn’t” understand them.

His narrative of the decline of manufacturing jobs is that these jobs actually still exist, but were moved overseas, one for one, and can be brought back by the right policies, mostly in the tax code. He mentions exactly one company bringing jobs back, Master Lock. See if you can spot the word in this sentence at which Republicans stopped applauding: “Today, for the first time in fifteen years, Master Lock’s unionized plant in Milwaukee is running at full capacity.”

Did you guess “unionized”? I thought you would.

HE’S A MAN WAY OUT THERE IN THE BLUE, RIDING ON A SMILE AND A SHOESHINE: “I will go anywhere in the world to open new markets for American products.”

“Over a thousand Americans are working today because we stopped a surge in Chinese tires.”

“Every person in this chamber can point to a teacher who changed the trajectory of their lives.”

It’s tradition that every SOTU has its “mission to Mars” thing that is never heard from again. This time, it’s a proposal for states to raise the age of mandatory schooling to 18 (or graduation, whichever comes first). (Unless the mission to Mars thing is the vests “that can stop any bullet.”)

Threatens to reduce funding to colleges that raise tuition.

THERE’S A TIME MACHINE GAP! “Don’t let other countries win the race for the future.”

Call-out to another company: Energetx, which makes 1) wind turbines, 2) people wonder what they were thinking with that name.

WE WANT OUR FUCKING WIND BACK, CHINA: “I will not cede the wind or solar or battery industry to China or Germany”.

He admits he’s giving up on getting this Congress to do anything about climate change.

HMM, WHO WAS IT WHO WANTED THE HOUSING MARKET TO HIT BOTTOM? “responsible homeowners shouldn’t have to sit and wait for the housing market to hit bottom to get some relief.”

He’s happy to get rid of “rules that don’t make sense,” such as something about spilled milk, because he could make an obvious unfunny joke about it. Obama should never ever try to tell a joke.

Am I right that I heard booing when he mentioned consumer financial protection dude Richard Cordray?

COULDN’T SOMEONE HAVE ARRANGED FOR A CAMERA TO BE ON MITT ROMNEY AS HE WATCHED THIS SPEECH? “a quarter of all millionaires pay lower tax rates than millions of middle-class households.”

IT’S THE FUCKING RICH PEOPLE WE WANT TO SEE DROWNED IN GIANT VATS OF EXCREMENT: “We don’t begrudge financial success in this country. We admire it.”

“But no matter what party they belong to, I bet most Americans are thinking the same thing right now...” (“For this we’re missing ‘New Girl’?”) “...Nothing will get done this year, or next year, or maybe even the year after that, because Washington is broken. Can you blame them for feeling a little cynical?” Yes, if they’re only feeling a little cynical.

ALTHOUGH A PERPETUAL CAMPAIGN OF MUTUAL DESTRUCTION BETWEEN NEWT GINGRICH AND MITT ROMNEY WOULD BE HILARIOUS: “We need to end the notion that the two parties must be locked in a perpetual campaign of mutual destruction”.

IF BY “ACHIEVE” YOU MEAN REDUCING FOREIGN COUNTRIES TO RUBBLE: “Because when we act together, there is nothing the United States of America can’t achieve. That is the lesson we’ve learned from our actions abroad over the last few years.”

HE WAS IN FAVOR OF VIOLENCE AND INTIMIDATION BEFORE HE WAS AGAINST VIOLENCE AND INTIMIDATION: “We will stand against violence and intimidation,” he says, about two minutes after this drone-tastic line: “From Pakistan to Yemen, the al Qaeda operatives who remain are scrambling, knowing that they can’t escape the reach of the United States of America.”

He notes that Qaddafi is “gone” as an example to Syria’s Assad, who “will soon discover that the forces of change can’t be reversed, and that human dignity can’t be denied.” Qaddafi, for example, was pulled out of a sewer pipe, sodomized with a bayonet and then shot. You know, human dignity. Can’t be denied.

He will “take no options off the table” to stop Iran getting a nuclear weapon.

Re Israel: “the closest military cooperation between our two countries in history.” What does that actually mean?

I HATE SEQUELS: “From the coalitions we’ve built to secure nuclear materials, to the missions we’ve led against hunger and disease; from the blows we’ve dealt to our enemies; to the enduring power of our moral example, America is back.”

“Anyone who tells you otherwise, anyone who tells you that America is in decline or that our influence has waned, doesn’t know what they’re talking about.”

“One of my proudest possessions is the flag that the SEAL Team took with them on the mission to get bin Laden. On it are each of their names.” And what looks suspiciously like dried semen.

AND WHO’S BEHIND YOUR BACK RIGHT NOW? JOHN BOEHNER. JUST SAYING. “This Nation is great because we get each other’s backs.”