Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The last presidential debate: We’re talking about Joe the Plumber


Bob Schieffer opened with a plea to the candidates: “By now, we’ve heard all the talking points, so let’s try to tell the people tonight some things that they haven’t heard.” McCain: “My left ball is bigger than my right ball.” Obama: “My left ball is bigger than McCain’s right ball.”

McCain: “It’s good to see you again, Senator Obama.” Obama: “Dude, you didn’t see me last time. Eye contact, dude!”

Okay, I’ll stop making stuff up now. Maybe.

McCain: “Americans are hurting right now, and they’re angry.” Dude, you are so totally projecting.

Okay, I’ll stop saying dude now. Maybe.

McCain falsely blames Fannie and Freddie for the housing crisis. Wants the bailout to put homeowners first.

Obama: We haven’t seen a rescue package for the middle class.

McCain: “a couple days ago Senator Obama was out in Ohio and he had an encounter with a guy who’s a plumber.” Cue porn music. Evidently Obama wants to raise the taxes of “Joe the plumber,” but “I want Joe the Plumber to spread that wealth around.” “The whole premise behind Sen. Obama’s plans are class warfare”. And that’s not warfare you can believe in, you know, the good kind of warfare McCain likes.

Seriously, how many times can both of them say “Joe the Plumber”?

McCain deployed a statistic: 50% of small business income taxes are paid by small businesses. Er, right.

McCain: “We need to encourage business, create jobs, not spread the wealth around.” Heaven forbid we spread the wealth around.

McCain on the budget: “I would have, first of all, across-the-board spending freeze, OK? Some people say that’s a hatchet. That’s a hatchet, and then I would get out a scalpel, OK?” An angry old man with sharp objects? Um, OK.

Another thing McCain knows how to do: “I know how to save billions of dollars in defense spending. I know how to eliminate programs.” Oh, John, is there anything you don’t know how to do?

Yay, the $3 million planetarium projector makes an appearance! How we missed you, $3 million planetarium projector.

Why does Obama never defend the $3 million planetarium projector?

McCain informs Obama, “I am not President Bush. If you wanted to run against President Bush, you should have run four years ago.”

After McCain trots out the “Obama wanted to increase taxes on people with incomes of $42,000” line, Obama says even Fox News doesn’t believe that shit.

McCain: “But it’s very clear that I have disagreed with the Bush administration. I have disagreed with leaders of my own party. I’ve got the scars to prove it.” Somebody should remind him he got the scars from the North Vietnamese, not the Republicans, before there’s an embarrassing incident on the Senate floor.

Schieffer: are you two willing to say to each other’s faces what your campaigns have been saying about each other?

McCain: well, if he had agreed to the town hall meetings... And John Lewis hurt my feelings by comparing me to George Wallace, and Obama didn’t repudiate those remarks, even though, “Every time there’s been an out-of-bounds remark made by a Republican, no matter where they are, I have repudiated them.” He’s done what now?

And the Obama campaign has had the highest spending than any time since... gratuitous reference coming up in 3..2..1... Watergate.

Joe the Plumber again. How we’ve missed you, Joe the Plumber.

McCain says that people have shouted nasty things at Obama rallies too and there are “some t-shirts that are very unacceptable.”

Obama is talking about the shouts of terrorist etc at McCain-Palin rallies, but he is completely incapable of even faking outrage, like McCain just did. Interestingly, he mentions Palin’s remark that he “palled around with terrorists,” which means he brought up William Ayers before McCain did. McCain then says that he doesn’t care about an old washed-up terrorist but darkly demands that he reveal “the full extent of that relationship.” Oo, sinister.

And ACORN is “now on the verge of maybe perpetrating one of the greatest frauds in voter history in this country, maybe destroying the fabric of democracy.” Maybe ripping a hole in the space-time continuum, creating a vortex that will consume us all.

McCain on Palin: a “bresh of freth air.” She “understands special-needs families... better than almost any American that I know.” Trig is, what, six months old?

Obama refuses to say if Palin is qualified to be president. Notes that McCain’s across-the-board spending cut would screw special-needs families.

McCain: “why do we always have to spend more?”

McCain on nuclear power: “Sen. Obama will tell you, in the -- as the extreme environmentalists do, it has to be safe.” Oh, those extreme environmentalists, always wanting things to be safe. Fortunately, says McCain, “We can store and reprocess spent nuclear fuel, Sen. Obama, no problem.” For 40,000 years. No problem.

McCain: free trade with Colombia is a “no-brainer,” but you’ve never traveled south of the border, so you wouldn’t know that.

Insurance. McCain: Joe the Plumber doesn’t want to pay a fine for not giving his employees health insurance. Obama tells Joe the Plumber he won’t pay a fine. Joe the Plumber must be very relieved.

Could you nominate any judge who disagreed with you on abortion? McCain: “I would consider anyone in their qualifications. I do not believe that someone who has supported Roe v. Wade that would be part of those qualifications. But I certainly would not impose any litmus test.” Er, right.

Obama brings up the attempt in Congress to overturn the Ledbetter ruling on equal pay. McCain: “It was a trial lawyer’s dream.”

Obama, defending his vote in Illinois: “With respect to partial-birth abortion, I am completely supportive of a ban on late-term abortions, partial-birth or otherwise, as long as there’s an exception for the mother’s health and life, and this did not contain that exception.” Dammit, he just legitimized the medically bogus concept of “partial-birth” abortions. “[N]obody’s pro-abortion. It’s always a tragic situation,” Obama says. I beg to differ.

McCain poo-poos the idea of exceptions for the health of the mother: “You know, that’s been stretched by the pro-abortion movement in America to mean almost anything. That’s the extreme pro-abortion position, quote, ‘health.’” Oh, those extremists.

On education, McCain says vouchers vouchers vouchers. Also, we should reward good teachers. Oh, and we should let people who have served in the military “go right to teaching and not have to take these examinations which -- or have the certification that some are required in some states.”

Obama thinks America’s youth aren’t an interest group, they’re our... wait for it... future.

McCain, in an unwonted display of self-control, managed to say “My friends” only once, although he did address one remark, “if you’re out there, my friend,” to... Joe the Plumber.

This, by the way, is Joe the Plumber.

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