2008 in Pictures

Compiling this year’s pictures, This Blog has grown melancholy over the forthcoming loss of that eternal font of teh goofy, George Bush’s face, that chimp-like countenance which has the unique ability to make you want to both laugh at it and punch it very hard indeed, simultaneously.

What will a Barack Obama presidency bring? A long, long visual drought. An increasingly frustrating series of dignified poses. Sigh. Soon desperation will drive me to learn how to photoshop propeller beanies


and Queen Elizabeth’s hats




onto his head,


and he’ll still look ten times more dignified than Bush at his most dignitudinous. Sigh.

Here’s our look back:















My most popular photo of the year (400 hits from the Netherlands alone), Mara Carfagna, Italy’s “Equal Opportunities Minster” and now government spokesperson:






















Our first glimpse of Joe the Plumber:









(Updated:




John McCain informed us that the fundamentals of our economy were strong, and while he may not have been entirely correct about that, one fundamental leading economic indicator remained absolutely steady, no matter what: everything we needed to know about the true state of the economy we could always tell by the expression on Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson’s face:







Finally, presenting the Picture of the Year for 2008:


Come back, Maverick, all is forgiven.

A dirty stain on our heart

Cardinal Jorge Medina of Chile interrupted a mass in order to castigate Madonna (the singer not the mother of that Jesus guy), currently doing a concert tour in Chile, for causing “impure thoughts” with her “incredibly shameful behaviour.” He said that such thoughts, but presumably not massacring dissidents in a soccer stadium – did I mention the mass was in honor of the late dictator Augusto Pinochet? – are “a dirty stain on our heart.” Medina also accused Chileans seeking justice against government officials who tortured and killed during the Pinochet years of being motivated by revenge.

The Catholic Church also pressured Italian tv to run “Brokeback Mountain” without any gay scenes.

Today Bush met Dr. Halima Bashir, a civil rights activist from Darfur and author of “Tears in the Desert.” He said, “The urgency of the situation is never more apparent than when I had the honor of visiting with this brave soul.” Whatever makes it real for you. She hid her face from photographers, for obvious reasons.


Because she was afraid of getting killed in Sudan. Why, what did you think?

IN OTHER WORDS: “We support the mediation process by the A.U.-U.N. mediator. In other words, we recognize in order for there to be peace in Darfur that parties must come to the table in good faith and solve the problems.”

For nothing?

The Blagojevich affair, summarized in a pithy quote from the man himself: “For nothing? Fuck him.”

Caroline Kennedy as senator from NY? Really? My nominee, although he’d have to be dragged kicking and screaming: Paul Krugman (okay, he probably technically lives in New Jersey, but he does occupy one of the most valuable pieces of political real estate on the NYT op-ed pages).

Bush did a kind of before-and–after thing today, first visiting West Point,


then on his return to the White House hanging out briefly with two marines who were blown up in Ramadi. They look pleased as punch to be smooched by President Inappropriate Invasion of Personal Space.

There is a sense of calm in the Oval Office

Bush was interviewed for Nightline tonight (link, other link).

IN OTHER WORDS: Asked whether a deal for a bailout of the car companies is close: “It’s hard to tell because there are some pretty strict standards. One is that anything that’s done would as best as possible guarantee the taxpayers get their money back. In other words, there needs to be viability.”

WHAT WE JUST DON’T WANT: “These are important companies, but on the other hand, we just don’t want to put good money after bad.”

The conversation naturally segued from there to the question of whether the Bible is literally true. “Probably not ... No, I’m not a literalist, but I think you can learn a lot from it, but I do think that the New Testament, for example is ... has got ... You know, the important lesson is ‘God sent a son.’”

Bush says he... I was about to say he said he believes in evolution, but thinking about it, what he said was “I think the creation of the world is so mysterious it requires something as large as an almighty, and I don’t think it’s incompatible with the scientific proof that there is evolution,” which is actually only saying that evolution may be true, not that it is.

CAN’T COUNT TO TWELVE: “All I can just tell you is that I got back into religion and I quit drinking shortly thereafter and I asked for help -- I was a one-step program guy.”

Says without his faith, “I’m pretty confident I would have been a pretty selfish person.” Yeah, imagine what that would be like.

Did God choose you to be president? “I just, I can’t go there.” Wink wink.

WHAT THERE’S A SENSE OF IN THE OVAL OFFICE: “There is a sense of calm in the Oval Office, where there are obviously a lot of dramatic moments and a lot of, you know, pressure, but there is calm in the Oval Office.”

WHAT THE VOICES IN GEORGE’S HEAD ARE SAYING TO HIM NOW: “People say, ‘But how do you know that it’s because of prayer?’ And I guess the answer is because of faith is how I know -- I can’t prove it for you.”

HE SHOULD REALLY TEACH SUNDAY SCHOOL AFTER HE LEAVES OFFICE: “For me, it’s not a crutch, for me it’s the realization of a power of a universal God and recognition that the God came manifested in human and then died for sins.”

And I’m looking in your eyes and I’m seeing wonder

This morning, Bush hosted a Christmas reception for children from schools on military bases (because only children whose parents are willing to fight and die in the War on Christmas deserve Christmas).


He was very excited. Perhaps a little too excited. “And we’re excited you’re here for a couple of reasons: One, we love to see the wonder in people’s eyes when they get to see the majesty of the White House at this time of year. And I’m looking in your eyes and I’m seeing wonder.” Just like the wonder he saw in Vladimir Putin’s eyes. Kids, if an old guy tells you he wants to look in your eyes and see “wonder,” run away as fast as you can. This has been a WIIIAI public service announcement.


George got an early Christmas present: a bald head to rub. Just what he always wanted!


By the way, I just got a Christmas card from my dentist. Emphatically a Christmas rather than a more generic holiday/seasonal card. I find that rather obnoxious.

It’s contradictory to say, I am going to use violence to achieve my objectives, and oh, by the way, I’m for peace

Bush gave an interview to Dubai-based Arab satellite tv station MBC.

IT’S INTERESTING HISTORY HERE: “It’s interesting history here, and I think one thing that your viewers might be interested in knowing is that the first decision I ever made as President -- but I was actually President-elect -- was, what color rug do you want?” Arab viewers would be interested in knowing that, all being rug-merchants.

A UNIVERSAL GOD: “And I tell people this, that I do believe there is a universal God, and a gift of that Almighty to all of us -- whether we be Methodists or Muslims or nothing -- is freedom. And so freedom is a great alternative.” Isn’t it nice of the Almighty to give a gift to people who are Methodists or Muslims or nothing? I’ll bet the nothing people didn’t get Him anything.

MOMS CAN GROW UP: “If you believe there’s an Almighty God, and a gift of that Almighty to everybody is freedom, then I think you have to -- if you can do something about it, that you have to act on that -- so that moms can grow up in a society that is hopeful for their children, you know, that their children are -- can realize dreams.”

WHAT THE VOICES IN GEORGE’S HEAD ARE SAYING NOW: “And I hear people say, George Bush doesn’t like Muslims; he wants to fight Muslims.”

WHAT WAS A TERRIBLE DISAPPOINTMENT: Asked if, looking back, he would do anything differently, he said, “I’m sure there will be” – that is, he might be able to come up with something when he actually does look back, but he hasn’t looked back yet. So he decided to turn it around and respond with an answer to a question that hadn’t been asked, one which didn’t require him to admit fallibility, saying, “there’s been some disappointments.” For example, “Well, like, Abu Ghraib was a terrible disappointment. And admittedly, I wasn’t there on the site, but I was the Commander-in-Chief of a military where these disgraceful acts took place that sent the absolute wrong image about America and our military.” Yeah it would have all been totally different if he had been there on the site to, like, supervise.

Other disappointments: “You know, parts of Iraq -- it’s taken longer than I thought it would. On the other hand, I am pleased to see a multiethnic society begin to emerge.” I’m pretty sure they had more than one ethnic group before we invaded them.

WHAT GEORGE LOVES TO HEAR: “I talked to the leaders of Iraq yesterday and today and congratulated them on doing some hard work. And I love to hear their spirit in their voice.” They only have the one voice, I guess.

WHAT PEOPLE WILL SAY: “I believe when people objectively analyze this administration, they’ll say, well, I see now what he was trying to do.”

NORMAL: Asked what he would miss about the White House, he repeated that he’d miss being Commander-in-Chief of the cannon fodder, and like Laura he’d miss the servants: “But, you know, the White House is full of incredibly gracious and kind people who work hard to make family life as normal as possible.” You know, for most of us, a “normal” family life doesn’t involve lots of servants working hard to make it normal.

IN OTHER WORDS: “I’m grateful that at the Annapolis conference all Arab nations were represented -- which is an important signal, because I learned a lesson in studying previous efforts for peace, that there must be regional buy-in. In other words, the nations in the region must stand with the Palestinians, in particular, and say this is -- we support you.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “I share the vision that the only way there’s going to be peace is where those who assume that violence is necessary to achieve peace cannot be a part of the process. In other words, people have to renounce violence in order to have peace. It’s contradictory to say, I am going to use violence to achieve my objectives, and oh, by the way, I’m for peace.” Say, did I mention that the US refused this week to sign the treaty against cluster bombs?

IN OTHER WORDS: “Well, I think we’ve left [the Palestinian peace process] in good shape. We’ve left it with the vision intact. In other words, a lot of people now share the vision of two states.”

A LOT OF DEBATE: “There was a lot of debate on the SFA and SOFA, and there were people that were -- you know, a lot of people were saying, well, this will be bad for Iraq, and others say this will be good for Iraq.”

WHAT PEOPLE SAY: “We tried to avert it [the invasion of Iraq]. I know people say, oh, George Bush likes to use the military.” He’s right. People do say that. I’ve heard them.

COMPETE WITH HEZBOLLAH? “I believe a Middle East with Saddam Hussein in power today would be different, much different than the one today. I think you’d see a man with a lot of oil wealth willing to use terrorist connections to try to compete, for example, with Hezbollah.”

When the interviewer mentioned the US incursion into Syria in October, Bush interjected, “Allegedly, yes.”

And how would he like to be remembered by people in the Middle East? “I would hope they would remember me as George W. Bush, as a man who respects their religion, respects human rights and human dignity, and prays for peace.” Well, they probably will remember him as George W. Bush. That’s one out of four, which is higher than his average success rate, so well done, George W.... um, what was your name again?

Standing the test of time

George Bush went to Philadelphia today. The Union League of Philadelphia unveiled their new portrait of President Doesn’t Know What to Do With His Arms.



He said of it, “I’m confident this portrait will stand the test of time.” And then the first dart hit it.

Then he went to the Army-Navy game. And while they graciously let him feel up some of the players,


and even kick a football,



somehow, he really seemed more at home with the cheerleaders.

“Where can ah get me one a them henna tattoos?”

Mission accomplished

Today, Bush used the R word (“Today’s job data reflects the fact that our economy is in a recession.”) and gave one of his “legacy” speeches summarizing his Middle East (cough) accomplishments. It was a victory speech: “the Middle East in 2008 is a freer, more hopeful, and more promising place than it was in 2001”.

Shrub of Arabia says he has “had the privilege to see the Middle East up close. I have stood on the shores of the Sea of Galilee, and I’ve hiked the cliffs of Masada. I’ve enjoyed dinner in the desert of Abu Dhabi, and prayed at the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem.” And he has learned one thing: don’t eat dinner in the desert of Abu Dhabi, the sand tends to get in your food.

I’LL BET HE SAW INTO THEIR SOULS: “I have looked into the eyes of courageous elected leaders from Iraq, Lebanon, Israel, and the Palestinian Territories.”

WAIT, THERE WAS AN EASY OPTION IN IRAQ? “When Saddam regimes -- regimes fell -- when Saddam’s regime fell, we refused to take the easy option and install a friendly strongman in his place.”

SOME OF THEM EVEN STILL ATTACHED TO HANDS: “We see the new story of the Middle East in Iraqis waving ink-stained fingers”.

WHAT’S GROWING LOUDER: “Across the region, conversations about freedom and reform are growing louder.” Conversations about figs tend to grow louder, and end in gun-fire: it’s the freaking Middle East.

I’m not going to quote this thing extensively. If you want to learn about how we brought about a new enlightened age of democracy and religious freedom, stared down Libya and Iran, etc etc, read the transcript. I will just end with these words of smug, totally unearned self-congratulation: “Yet the changes of the past eight years herald the beginning of something historic and new. At long last, the Middle East is closing a chapter of darkness and fear, and opening a new one written in the language of possibility and hope. For the first time in generations, the region represents something more than a set of problems to be solved, or the site of energy resources to be developed. A free and peaceful Middle East will represent a source of promise, and home of opportunity, and a vital contributor to the prosperity of the world.”

So, yay, we won.

(Update: Juan Cole, naturally, has a detailed demolition
http://www.juancole.com/2008/12/arguing-with-bush-one-last-time.html
of the speech.)

Caption contest

Terrorist fist bump?

Fortune this!

The fortune cookie with my lunch imparted this bit of wisdom: “The best way to get rid of an enemy is to make him a friend.” Although the fastest way involves a blunt object and burial in a deserted quarry. Fortune cookies would be so much more practical if they gave them out at Italian restaurants rather than Chinese ones.

Can anyone suggest more examples of Italian fortunes?

There is no Plan B

General Motors’ president, Fritz Henderson, says of his demand for a massive government bailout, “There is no Plan B.” For more than 30 years, the American car industry has never managed to come up with more than one plan, think a new thought, that’s the whole problem.

But then again, the Brits tortured pretty much everyone’s grandfather

The British tortured Obama’s grandfather. That could be a tad awkward.

Still, how can anyone stay mad at the Brits when they’ve got Judi Dench?

Abstinence is a loaded word here in Washington, D.C.

Today is World AIDS Day (thus the humongous ribbon), and George (and Laura) Bush went to a forum on the subject, with Pastor Rick Warren.

WHAT GEORGE FELT: “I insisted upon measurable goals because I felt that lives needed to be saved. And if you don’t have measurable goals, lives might not be saved.”

AN ATTITUDINAL CHANGE: “But rather than being paternalistic about our help -- which basically says, we know better than you on how to achieve our goals -- we expect you to be a partner in achieving the goals. Which was an attitudinal change basically saying to African leaders, in this case, we trust you; we think you’ve got the capacity to be a good partner.” Unless you allow abortions, in which case no condoms for you. Oh, and you have to push abstinence-only education too. But other than that, we trust you, really we do.


IN MANY WAYS: “the interesting thing about people who are volunteering in Africa to save lives is they’re actually saving their own life, in many ways. They may not be saving it, but they’re certainly strengthening it.”

WHEN WE’RE A BETTER NATION: “We’re a better nation when we save lives.”

WHAT GEORGE WISHES THE AMERICAN PEOPLE COULD SEE: “And I wish the American people could see what we have seen after this PEPFAR initiative has kicked in and brought results. I mean, people literally lining the roads in Tanzania, all waving and anxious to express their love and appreciation to the American President who represents the American people.” Oh, and not dying, I guess that’s kinda important too, but really it’s all about the waving.

IN OTHER WORDS: “And it’s very important for America to be humble in our aid, in this sense. In other words, we can’t say, okay, we’re spending so much money, we demand this, or, we’re going to make you do this. And that will end up making us not liked.”


HEY PAL: “And you can look at that any way you want to look at it. One way to look at it is, hey, pal, you’ve got a lot of influence -- and you can use your influence for human liberty, for decency, and for justice all times, all places.”

LOADED: He said people who oppose his focus on abstinence “must not be results-oriented people. ... Look, I mean, abstinence is a loaded word here in Washington, D.C. ...” Um, yeah, loaded, about to go off at any second...

GRIEF-COUNSELOR-IN-CHIEF: “Remember when we went to the school in Rwanda? So these were children whose parents had died because of AIDS. And I just happened to walk by and said, ‘God is good.’ And without hesitation, they said, ‘All the time.’” MRS. BUSH: “And that was so sweet.” THE PRESIDENT: “And it was a very powerful, very sweet message.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “And so the first question that people ought to ask is, what’s the funding been like? In other words, funding equals commitment; sometimes it equals, you know, effective programming, but it -- at least the funding levels will give you a sense of how committed the country is.”

In other words, I didn’t anticipate war

Obama has announced his national security team (of rivals), and he has an adjective he’d like you to remember about them: “I assembled this team because I am a strong believer in strong personalities and strong opinions.”

Tonight, ABC will air the interview Charlie Gibson conducted with George and Laura Bush last week.

WE’RE IN: “the American people got to know that we will safeguard the [financial] system. I mean, we’re in. And if we need to be in more, we will.”

FAITH AND CONFIDENT: “I’ve got faith that the economy will recover. As a matter of fact, I’m confident it will recover.”

WHAT THE QUESTION IS: “And the question is, is it worth it to save the system, to safeguard the system? And I came to the conclusion, along with other smart people, that it is.” Other smart people? OTHER smart people??!!

DURING I ARRIVED IN PRESIDENT: asked if he feels responsible for the financial meltdown: “You know, I’m the President during this period of time, but I think when the history of this period is written, people will realize a lot of the decisions that were made on Wall Street took place over a decade or so, before I arrived in President, during I arrived in President.”

PRESENT COMPANY EXCEPTED: Asked how high unemployment will go: “Too high. I mean, anybody unemployed is too much.”

MOVIN’ BIG: “And on the other hand, though, when you’re the President and somebody says, we better move big, Mr. President, otherwise we could have a depression greater than the Great -- we’re moving big.”

IN OTHER WORDS: What the presidency has been like: “Some days we’re not so happy, some days happy. Every day has been pretty joyous, though -- that when you have a purpose in life, that no matter what it may look like from afar, that we’re a highly motivated group of people that are honored to serve. In other words, I think people look at the White House and say, oh, man, what a miserable experience it is to be President.”

Later, he clarified the joyous thing: “I don’t want people to misconstrue. It’s not -- I don’t feel joyful when somebody loses their life, nor do I feel joyful from somebody loses a job. That concerns me.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “And the President ends up carrying a lot of people’s grief in his soul during a presidency. One of the things about the presidency is you deal with a lot of tragedy -- whether it be hurricanes, or tornadoes, or fires, or death -- and you spend time being the Comforter-in-Chief. But the idea of being able to serve a nation you love is -- has been joyful. In other words, my spirits have never been down. I have been sad, but the spirits are up.” Well that just makes the hurricanes and tornadoes and fires and death all worth while.

A VERY SPECIAL DOUBLE REVERSE IN OTHER WORDS: “Well, I think I was unprepared for war. In other words, I didn’t campaign and say, ‘Please vote for me, I’ll be able to handle an attack.’ In other words, I didn’t anticipate war.”

Did McCain’s choice of Sarah Palin help or hurt him? “I think it helped John. It energized the party. It -- I can remember when she first was named, young women in our office were saying, isn’t it great that a woman is in a position to serve on the ticket now, to maybe be Vice President of the United States.” I know it sounds like he’s completely forgotten about Geraldine Ferraro but, to be fair, for most of 1984 he was really really drunk.

IN OTHER WORDS: “I think most people voted for Barack Obama because they decided they wanted him to be in their living room for the next four years explaining policy. In other words, they made a conscious choice to put him in as president.”

THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD: “I think one of the big disappointments of the presidency has been the fact that the tone in Washington got worse, not better.”

Asked what the country thinks of George now, Laura said, “I think they think he’s somebody that kept them safe for eight years.”

WHAT GEORGE’S BIGGEST REGRET IS: “the biggest regret of all the presidency has to have been the intelligence failure in Iraq. A lot of people put their reputations on the line and said the weapons of mass destruction is a reason to remove Saddam Hussein. It wasn’t just people in my administration; a lot of members in Congress, prior to my arrival in Washington D.C., during the debate on Iraq, a lot of leaders of nations around the world were all looking at the same intelligence. And, you know, that’s not a do-over, but I wish the intelligence had been different, I guess. ... That is a do-over that I can’t do.”

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: Asked, what is your “Greatest accomplishment? The one thing you’re proudest of?” BUSH: “I keep recognizing we’re in a war against ideological thugs and keeping America safe.”

Greatest disappointment? BUSH: “Well, I mentioned one, and that is no weapons of mass destruction.” So disappointing.

WHEREIN GEORGE BUSH SAYS SOMETHING I TOTALLY AND UNRESERVEDLY AGREE WITH: “I’d like to live life without the limelight for a while. I don’t -- I think it’s going to be real important for me to get off the stage.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “Steve Hadley and I were sitting around... I said, wouldn’t it be interesting for baby boomers not to retire in nice places, but to retire -- during their retirement, go help people deal with malaria or AIDS. In other words -- and I’m not suggesting that’s what I’m going to do, but it is the kind of thing that intrigues me.” Oh God, don’t they have enough to deal with, with the malaria or AIDS?

BUBBLE BABBLE: “Oh, I don’t know. I mean, you’re going to have to be in a bubble during this here because the enemy would like to do nothing more than do you in. So, I mean, that’s a necessary part of the job. You know, yes -- I mean, believe me you understand what’s going on in the world. This idea about how the president doesn’t understand this, that, or the other, just simply is not the case. I mean, there’s a lot of information that comes through the White House.”

THE COMFORTER-IN-CHIEF IS ALWAYS THE COMFORTED PERSON: “Well, I’ll miss being Commander-in-Chief. ... And I’ll miss -- and it’s going to sound strange to you -- I’ll miss meeting with the families whose son or daughter have fallen in combat, because the meetings I’ve had with the families are so inspirational.” So it’s all been worth while, as long as their deaths are so inspirational for you, because it’s all about you, you callous fucking egomaniac. “They -- I mean, obviously, there’s a lot of sadness, and we cry, and we hug, and we occasionally laugh. And we share -- I listen to stories. But the Comforter-in-Chief is always the comforted person. Believe it or not, I’ll miss going to the hospitals as the Commander-in-Chief, and looking a kid in the eye, and have him say, heal me up, Mr. President, I want to go back in.” Believe it... or not. Actually, I can believe it, you... did I already call you a callous fucking egomaniac?

Laura says she talked to Michelle Obama about closets but not about the job of First Lady: “she didn’t ask for any advice like that, and I didn’t give her any.” But if Michelle had asked, what advice would Laura have given her? Answers in comments, please.

We, the People

On “Meet the Press” today, Laura Bush said that when she leaves the White House, what she will miss most of all are “the people.” Specifically, “all the people that are around us all the time.” More specifically, “the ushers and butlers,” and her staff. “So I’ll miss the people the most.”

No linguists

Here’s a picture of Bush and Medvedev at the APEC summit I didn’t get around to using. Dignitude!


It’s been over a year since we’ve heard from Riverbend, after she left Iraq.

It’s also been a while since I’ve had some London Review of Books personal ads, so here are some. As ever, more can be found here.

Aardvark lover, M, 37. Not really I just put that hoping to be at the top. Non-aardvark lover seeks F with similar interests. Box no. 16/01

This ad is a web of deceit, spun with threads of fabulation, arranged in radials of hubris and hanging with the vestiges of good intention between the washing line of virtue and the gazebo of dissipation. If you reply immediately it will leap off the page, wrap itself around your head in a split second and cling there for the rest of the day. So maybe wave a broom about a bit first. Box no. 16/06

“Don’t worry about overeating; you’ve got enough on your plate as it is”. Excruciating knuckle biter of a gaff prone dinner guest (M. 31), seeks not easily offended lady for patient exchanges about anything other than weight, age, height, dress or popular culture. Mature correspondents welcome, age before…never mind. Box no. 19/04

I really wish I’d studied anthropology instead. Box no. 21/06

Some of the LRB personals are intended seriously. It’s not always easy to tell which is which:

My profile here boasts the index carding skills of Miss Marple, the sexual ambiguity of Tank Girl and the wardrobe of Cadfael. Kinky junior librarian (F. 34), lurking in the boondocks of XY9802, tripping over re-evaluations of Nick Cave in back issues of Parallax and her own hem line, WLTM nice academic man or woman to 40 unphased by evening wear once described as “Mrs Doyle Does Dallas”. No Linguists. Box no. 22/04

Female LRB readers, in the course of reading this edition you have unwittingly submitted your intellect to an ingenious algorithm designed by me (intense male sub editor and amateur neuro-linguistic programmer) to gauge your suitability as a long term partner and mother of our children. Congratulations, you’ve passed! Now ditch the boyfriend and move to New England. No arguments, this isn’t a matter of faith, it’s science. Box no. 22/06

You like walking barefoot on cold beaches in the winter, movies that make you cry and baking cookies that you have no intention of eating. I like defending my home against the government forces that are trying to destroy me and knitting carpet samples from fibre remnants found in the back of the dryers at my local launderette. Are we fools to think it could ever work? Moron and amateur carpet sample enthusiast (M, 35). Box no. 23/02

I’m everything you ever wanted in a woman. Assuming you’re into fat 47-year old moody bitches who really don’t enjoy the mornings. Stop talking and pour the bloody marys at..
Box no. 23/05

I am Mr Right! You are Miss Distinct Possibility. Your parents are Mr and Mrs Obscenely Rich. Your Uncle is Mr Expert Tax Lawyer. Your cousin is Ms Spare Apartment On A Caribbean Hideaway That She Rarely Uses. Your brother is Mr Can Fix You Up A Fake Passport For A Small Fee. Man, 51. Box no. 23/06

Would you be able to carry on an extended erotic correspondence with a filthy-minded forties man on the basis of a one-off coffee in the Long Acre Pret a Manger? Box no. 23/01

It’s deep philosophical questions like that that make the world go ‘round.

I’ve been in the Bible every day since I’ve been the President

Remember those hunger strikes by prisoners in Guantanamo Bay? Some of them are still on it, still being forcibly fed, one of them with a substance to which he is allergic.

---

The White House has released excerpts of an oral history project in which George and Laura Bush were interviewed by his sister. It’s legacy time. Which is just like Miller Time, but with more beer belches.

TECHNICALLY, HE DIDN’T SELL IT, JUST TRADED IT FOR SOME “MAGIC BEANS”: “I would like to be a person remembered as a person who, first and foremost, did not sell his soul in order to accommodate the political process.”

JUST LIKE NEW, NEVER BEEN USED: “I came to Washington with a set of values, and I’m leaving with the same set of values.”

SURROUNDED: “I surrounded myself with good people”.

IS HIS SELF-DELUSION LAUGHABLE? OR JUST PLAIN SAD? “I’d like to be a president [known] as somebody who liberated 50 million people and helped achieve peace; that focused on individuals rather than process; that rallied people to serve their neighbor; that led an effort to help relieve HIV/AIDS and malaria on places like the continent of Africa; that helped elderly people get prescription drugs and Medicare as a part of the basic package; that came to Washington, D.C., with a set of political statements and worked as hard as I possibly could to do what I told the American people I would do.” Alternately, he’d settle for just being known as the second worst president ever.

Laura Bush showed that the secret of marriage is a shared inability to see reality: “Well, it’s certainly been very rewarding to look at Afghanistan and both know that the President and the United States military liberated women there; that women and girls can be in school now; that women can walk outside their doors without a male escort.”

George talked about his father: “I think that the gift our dad gave to all of us is unconditional love. It is the greatest gift a father can give a child. And it has made life so much easier in many ways, because if you have the ultimate gift of love, then the difficulties of life can be easier handled.” Difficulties of life like, say, grammar.

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, he [Bush the Elder] was a great father before politics, a great father during politics and a great father after politics.”

HE’S A BIBLE CHARACTER, JUST LIKE DAVID AND GOLIATH, OR SPIDERMAN: “I’ve been in the Bible every day since I’ve been the President”.

WHAT HE’S BEEN AFFECTED BY: “and I have been affected by people’s prayers a lot.” Prayers, you say... and I’ve just been using that voodoo doll.

A DOUBLE “IN OTHER WORDS,” JESUSY VERSION: “I would advise politicians, however, to be careful about faith in the public arena. ...In other words, politicians should not be judgmental people based upon their faith. They should recognize -- at least I have recognized I am a lowly sinner seeking redemption, and therefore have been very careful about saying [accept] my faith or you’re bad. In other words, if you don’t accept what I believe, you’re a bad person.”

Hiding behind the SOFA

The Iraqi Parliament voted for the Status of Forces Agreement (SOFA) today. Said George Bush of the vote, “Today’s vote affirms the growth of Iraq’s democracy and increasing ability to secure itself.” Growth of Iraq’s democracy? Iraq’s elected representatives refused to associate themselves with their own votes, which they cast by an unrecorded show of hands (thought to be about 140 or 145 of the 198 attending, of the 275 total MPs). There will be a referendum in July (although if the SOFA is voted down, it would still be in effect another year).


Speaking of the growth of democracy, when will the US Congress vote on this, and what date is our referendum scheduled for? Also, under what law is an agreement signed only by a president binding on his successor?

The Florida gay adoption case

A Florida state circuit judge ruled Tuesday that the state’s ban on adoptions by gay people is unconstitutional (what is the legal definition of gay people in Florida law, anyway?)(Update: there isn’t one; the statute just says “No person eligible to adopt under this statute may adopt if that person is a homosexual.”). We’ll see what happens when Florida appeals, but neither the 11th Circuit nor the Florida Supreme Court have an encouraging record.

The state of Florida defended the law vigorously, to say nothing of viciously, putting up expert witnesses (a Baptist minister; a “scholar who acknowledged he was guided largely by Scripture”; you know, experts) to argue that gay people are especially prone to drug and alcohol abuse and depression, that gay relationships are unstable, and that... and some people might consider this a tad ironic in light of all the libel poured on homosexuals by the State of Florida... their children are subject to societal stigma. The State of Florida literally went into court to argue that homosexuality is immoral.

Not trotting to their finish

The people have spoken, and the newly elected National Turkey is... Hillary Clinton. She just won’t admit defeat.

Actually, “Pumpkin” and “Pecan” won, and today George Bush pardoned them for predatory lending practices (they were giving out mortgages for coops to totally unqualified chickens).

Bush and the National Turkey. But I repeat myself.

Bush told several fowl-related jokes I won’t inflict on you, concluding, “In recent weeks, I’ve talked a lot about sprinting to the finish. Yet I’ve assured these turkeys they will not be trotting to their finish.”


And then Sarah Palin jumped out and bit Pumpkin’s head off, the end.

Of SOFAs and searches

McClatchy reports that the Bushies have “withheld the official English translation of the [Status of Forces] agreement in an effort to suppress a public dispute with the Iraqis until after the Iraqi parliament votes.” And of course to keep the American people knowing the details. The possible public dispute McClatchy refers to might arise from the intention of the Americans to interpret the words of the SOFA entirely differently than the Iraqis. For example, the Iraqis only think that the US is prohibited from attacking Iran from Iraqi soil.

---

The 2nd Circuit Court ruled that Americans are not protected against the US government conducting warrantless electronic surveillance and searches against them if they are in a foreign country (and that any evidence so collected can then be used against them). Such searches, however, have to be “reasonable.”

The Iraqi people have the Screaming Eagles to thank

At a press conference today, Barack Obama insisted, “I think what the American people want more than anything is just commonsense, smart government.” Which one, commonsense or smart? Because smart ain’t all that common.

He continued, “They don’t want ideology; they don’t want bickering; they don’t want sniping. They want action, and they want effectiveness.” Really? Action and effectiveness are all very well, but I actually want some ideology, some sniping and especially some bickering or, as I like to call it, democratic debate.


Meanwhile, Bush went to Fort Campbell, KY, to talk in the general direction of some troops.


“I’m honored to be with the Screaming Eagles of the 101st Airborne -- (applause) -- the Night Stalkers of the 160th -- (applause) -- the Green Berets of the 5th Special Forces Group”. Um, the Night Stalkers?


FABULOUS! “I’m proud of those of you who not only serve our nation by wearing a fabulous uniform...”


UM, THANKS?: “The Iraqi people have the Screaming Eagles to thank.”

Safeguarding Citiwhatever

Today, Bush visited Hank Paulson at the Treasury Department for a delicious beverage: “Mr. Secretary, thank you very much for inviting me in for a cup of coffee.”


CITICORPSE?: “The decision was made to safeguard Citi -- Citicorps.” You mean Citicorp (not corps), the name Citigroup hasn’t used since 1998. Isn’t that how we got into this mess – giving away lots of money to people we didn’t know much of anything about?


HE’S THE DECIDERER: “We have made these kind of decisions in the past -- made one last night.”


AND WILL BE THE DECIDERER FOR THE NEXT (SIGH) 57 DAYS: “And if need be, we’re going to make these kind of decisions to safeguard our financial system in the future.” Way to boost economic confidence, George.

Also today, Barack Obama officially announced who would be the next face of the American economy, one Timothy Geithner.


Hmm.

Ponchopalooza

The APEC summit ended today with my favorite part of all international summits: dressing up in native garb.




CAPTION CONTEST!!!

Kinks

Headline (of a Story You Really Don’t Want to Read But Kinda Have To) of The Day: “Astronauts Try to Work Out Kinks in Urine Machine.”

That which enabled us to be successful in the past must be used to help us chart a more hopeful future for tomorrow

Bush is in Peru for the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation summit, the last time he will (shudder) represent the United States abroad, and he gave a little speech.


WHAT IT IS IMPORTANT FOR THE WORLD TO RECOGNIZE, AND FOR OUR COUNTRY TO RECOGNIZE: “I believe it is important for the world to recognize, and for our country to recognize, that the United States is a Pacific nation.”


LAYING THE FOUNDATION: “A week ago in Washington, you might have heard that I had the honor of hosting a summit in what will be the series of international summits to address the financial crisis. I didn’t believe we could solve all problems in one meeting, but I did believe it was important for us to host the initial summit to get it started, to lay the foundation for successful -- for meetings.” Phew, thank god he corrected that, or somebody might have expected him to do something successful.

Who am I kidding – no one would expect Bush to do something successful.

Although he does believe that he knows how to be successful. It has something to do with charts: “That which enabled us to be successful in the past must be used to help us chart a more hopeful future for tomorrow.”


NOT ESPECIALLY, GEORGE: “The APEC region’s share of the global economy has grown nearly 55 percent. Isn’t that interesting?”

NOT ESPECIALLY, GEORGE: “At our summit in Washington last weekend, leaders from around the world expressed strong support for completing Doha. Isn’t that interesting?”

He said that we now have free trade agreements with China, Singapore, and Australia. China, Chile, same dif.

WHAT GEORGE HAD A CHANCE TO HAVE: “I just had a chance to have a cup of coffee with President Uribe. He is a strong leader. He’s a good friend. And our Congress and our government must never turn our back on such a friend as Uribe.” Yeah, I wouldn’t trust that shifty fuck with my back turned to him either.


CONTINUE TO WORK DOWN: “The nations in this region must also continuing to work -- must continue to work down -- continue working to break down trade barriers at the global level.”

WHAT HE’S TOLD PEOPLE A LOT: “I’ve told people a lot since my presidency this truth: I believe there is an Almighty. And I believe a gift of that Almighty to every man, woman and child on the face of the Earth is freedom.” Also that story about the time he and the Japanese prime minister went to Graceland. In two months, we’ll never have to hear either one again.

El cambio you can believe in

Yesterday, Bush was interviewed by Peru’s América TV, in advance of his trip to Peru today. He used the interview to demonstrate his excellent Spanish:

Q: Mr. President, you built a relationship with Peru because you have a close friendship with President Toledo --

BUSH: Sí.

Q: -- with former President Toledo, which held the negotiations in favor of FTA --

BUSH: Sí.

And:

President Garcia is muy amable.

And:

Q: One last question, President -- Mr. President. Elected President Obama said in his slogan, his campaign slogan, that change is the main thing for America.

BUSH: El cambio.

IN OTHER PALABRAS: “ours is a country that promoted free and fair trade, which is the best way to help nations develop their economies. I mean, in other words, you’re a Peruvian farmer, you’d like to be selling into U.S. markets, and -- because it’s a big market.”

WHAT GEORGE IS CERTAIN A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD SAID: “when I was on TV, for example, after 9/11, I was talking about securing the United States and the war on terror. And so I’m certain a lot of people in the neighborhood, Central and South America, said, well, he’s only focused on the Middle East; he doesn’t really seem to care about us.”

CAPITALISM WITH A CHIMPY FACE: “And the only thing the United States tries to do is to show the human side of the philosophy that most leaders embrace, which is freedom, free markets, free trade, and social justice.”

Getting a jump on those memoirs, George talked about his legacy:

WHAT DEMOCRACY IS: “Democracy is more vibrant in parts of the world that didn’t see democracy.”

WHAT TRADE IS: “Trade is -- agreements are more abundant now.”

Name the turkeys

Once again, it’s time to go to the White House website to vote for names for the two National Turkeys. The White House people get a little less creative with this every year. In years past, you had a historical option (Jefferson & Adams), something Puritan-y (Plymouth & Rock, May & Flower), and something foody (Marshmallow & Yam), which always wins. Judging by all the food-related options this year, some intern scribbled out the list just before lunch time. The options are Popcorn & Cranberry, Yam & Jam, Dawn & Early Light, Roost & Run, Pumpkin & Pecan, Apple & Cider.

We can do better than that, can’t we? Joe & Plumber, Audacity & Hope, Lame & Duck, Sub & Prime, Wall Street & Bailout, Trig & Track, Caribou & Barbie, Maverick & Mooseburger....

I declare this a CONTEST (yay!).

(Update: in perhaps the greatest metaphor of this election cycle, Sarah Palin performed her own turkey-pardoning ceremony, then gave a three-minute tv interview blithely ignoring or completely oblivious of the man behind her slaughtering turkeys.)

With actual clamps

Britain plans to make paying “trafficked” prostitutes for sex a crime. Plan your vacations accordingly.

That story gives us our Headline of the Day: “Prostitute Users Face Clampdown.”

Clampdown, eh? That usually costs extra.

World Toilet Day!

Today is World Toilet Day, sponsored by the World Toilet Organization (WTO), which “has been striving to elevate the status of toilets to make them status symbols and objects of desire. WTO speaks on behalf of toilets ‘WE DESERVE BETTER SOCIAL STATUS’.”


Here are some Germans celebrating World Toilet Day.


What are you doing to celebrate World Toilet Day? On second thought, forget I asked.

Depressing thought of the day (but Ted Stevens lost, yay)

When I read that Ted Stevens had lost his re-election bid to Mark Begich by a margin large enough that the cheap bastard would have to pay for a recount if he wanted one, I gave a little sigh of relief. And then I realized what that sigh said: I don’t want a recount because I don’t trust that a recount wouldn’t come up with wildly different results because I don’t have any faith in election results in the United States anymore.

Effective is always important

Today Bush visited the Department of Transportation to talk about aviation congestion. Not that he’d know anything about that: “You have done a terrific job, as far as I am concerned. The past eight years I have not seen a traffic jam -- (laughter) -- waited for an airplane -- (laughter) -- or had my bags lost. (Laughter.)” And they always give him plenty of pretzels...

WHY EFFECTIVE IS ALWAYS IMPORTANT (HINT: IT’S THE REMINDING) (HE’S THE REMINDERER, YOU KNOW): “Effective is always important when it comes to reminding our citizens that the government can respond in a way that will make them proud.”

GEORGE PRAISED TRANSPORTATION SECRETARY MARY PETERS IN THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE TERMS: “Madam Secretary, you did your job. That’s what I expected when I asked you to serve”.

One way to look at it is they’re saying, will traveling home for the holidays be ‘It’s A Wonderful Life,’ or will it be ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas.’

IN OTHER WORDS: “This year, we’re going to expand what we call the ‘Thanksgiving Express Lanes’ to areas of the Midwest, the Southwest, and the West Coast, including the skies over Phoenix and Los Angeles. In other words, we innovated last year to ease the travel; it worked, and now we’re expanding that innovation this year.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “During my time in office, or our time in office, we have put regulations in place to make airlines more accountable for the way they treat passengers. In other words, we have done this kind of regulatory regime before”.

A gay and secular fascism

Newt Gingrich complained on Fox that “there is a gay and secular fascism in this country that wants to impose its will on the rest of us”. He makes it sound so... dirty. He went on:

And I think if you believe in historic Christianity, you have to confront the fact. And, frank -- for that matter, if you believe in the historic version of Islam or the historic version of Judaism, you have to confront the reality that these secular extremists are determined to impose on you acceptance of a series of values that are antithetical, they’re the opposite, of what you’re taught in Sunday school.

Um, Newton? If you believe in the historic (as opposed to the ahistoric) versions of Islam or Judaism, you probably weren’t taught them in Sunday school.