It’s all part of making sure that our foreign policy is active

In advance of his last presidential visit to Asia, Bush was interviewed back to back yesterday by miscellaneous Asian print media, by Korean tv, Thai tv, and by one...wait for it... Fuqing Yang of Chinese state-run tv.

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE FOOD WITH HIM: “I’ll see the Prime Minister of Thailand for a nice dinner.”

He’ll also be making a speech in Thailand in his capacity as Reminder-in-Chief: “I will also remind people that I will be sprinting to the finish, that I will finish this job strong.”

WHY GEORGE WON’T ATTEMPT TO GO STRAIGHT: “Part of the reason that I’m stopping in South Korea prior to going to the Olympics -- I mean, one could have attempted just to go straight to the Olympics, but I want to come to South Korea -- I had just come from Japan, and it’s all part of making sure that our foreign policy is active.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “There’s plenty of room for countries to work with -- the three countries you mentioned with other countries in the region in a constructive way. In other words, I don’t view the diplomacy as zero sum, it’s got to be either this country or that country.”

NATIONS ARE SAYING WAIT A MINUTE: “ASEAN is a place where the United States can remain -- should remain actively engaged with nations who are saying -- say, wait a minute, we’re your friends, as well. Don’t just focus on the big guys, think about us.”

VERY: “It’s very important for the President to be very consistent.”

BUT THERE’D STILL BE CAKE: “The fact that both countries [the US and China] are honoring the 30th anniversary of the relationship shows that -- it’s a statement about good relations. If we had bad relations we wouldn’t be honoring the 30th. It would be, okay, here comes the 30th anniversary, who cares?”

Both countries are opening new embassies in each other’s capitals. Bush doesn’t know the name of the architect of the American embassy but does know the name of the architect of the Chinese embassy... I.M. Pei.

GETTING INVOLVED: “I know it’s important for our generals and admirals to deal with their counterparts. And I believe, more importantly, or as importantly, we ought to be getting younger Chinese officers involved with younger U.S. officers. Why? To create a feeling of trust.”

AND AN ALMOST FANATICAL DEVOTION TO THE POPE: “An American President has got to know two things: one, the nature of the person he’s dealing with, and the nature of the government he’s dealing with, and the pressures that government feels.”

AND THE EASTER BUNNY: “As you know, I’m a believer in human dignity and human rights.”

SPEAKING OF WORDS NOT OFTEN ASSOCIATED WITH GEORGE BUSH: “And if we do we’ll be gracious in victory, and if we don’t we’ll be humble in defeat.”

ONE OF GEORGE’S CONCERNS: “See, one of my concerns is that we -- that America gets so comfortable they say, who cares; what does it matter whether or not somebody has got HIV/AIDS?”

IN OTHER WORDS: “One thing that interests me is to watch China’s leaders deal with the benefits and challenges of a marketplace. In other words, this is a country that has got a lot of mouths to feed and a lot of people to employ.”

THAT POOR, POOR INTERPRETER: “And yet, I can report to you that we [he and Hu Jintao] do have cordial, relaxed conversations -- in spite of the fact that we both have interpreters. It’s much easier when you are dealing with a person that speaks your own language. Since the only one I speak is English, it’s important to have English speakers. But here is a man who I have had some -- I feel comfortable talking about his family, and he asks about mine. And that may sound trite to you, but nevertheless it’s a part of getting comfortable with each other.” You’ll have noticed he’s forgotten that he’s supposed to know Spanish.

WHAT AMAZES GEORGE: “You know the thing that amazes me? The South Korean women golfers.”

ON NORTH KOREA, GEORGE UTTERS A ZEN KOAN: “There’s a lot of people in this country saying, why are you going forward when you can’t trust them? And my answer is, why don’t we go forward with a process that will enable us to trust them?”

WHAT GEORGE FINDS INTERESTING ABOUT HIMSELF: “It’s interesting that I’m giving a speech about the whole Far East in Thailand.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “Well, because it’s -- first of all, the assumption is that when you give a comprehensive speech in the Far East, it would be in, you know, China or Japan or, you know -- and Thailand is, one, a long-time friend; two, is an important part of ASEAN. In other words, there’s -- the Far East is more than just the countries that dominate the news.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “And so, therefore, if you’re going to give a comprehensive speech, you give it in a country that makes it -- just by the sight alone indicates how comprehensive the policy must be. In other words, you can’t ignore other countries if you focus only on a few.”

WHAT THE THAI PEOPLE WERE AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN: “The Thai -- the Thai people were just fabulous, and always have been.”

ASKED WHAT HE WOULD DO AFTER JANUARY: “Hopefully I will contribute to mankind in positive ways.” Maybe as an organ donor.

THE SPORTSMAN COMETH: “And I’m coming as the president of a friend, and I’m coming as a sportsman.”

BUT MOST OF ALL, HE’S COMING FOR THE FREE GRUB: “I’m going to have a dinner with President Hu Jintao, who I like.”

He reminisced about visiting China in 1975: “People -- I can remember going to a department store, and nobody had seen a Westerner. And they were amazed when I would go. And I would go with my mother and my sister. And they were amazed. It was like we were, like, from a different planet.”

Yes, very like that. Very like that indeed.

We ought to be utilizing wind

McCain’s latest ad, on health care, says he offers “bold new solutions, not tired old politics.” Should The Two really be using the phrase “tired old”?

Today Bush addressed the annual meeting of the West Virginia Coal Association because “No better group of people to talk about energy with than people who actually take risk to find energy.” He was referring to people who risked capital, not black lung disease.


THE ENERGY: “I want to talk about the energy today.”

WHAT WE GOT TO DO: “we got to work to have a comprehensive plan”. I don’t speak Broken English, but isn’t the correct grammar “we got to work to got a comprehensive plan”?

HE’S THE REMINDERER: “And part of that sprint to the finish will be to continue to remind the American people that we need to be realistic and have common sense about today’s energy needs and tomorrow’s energy needs.”

HE’S THE REMINDERER: “I might remind you that in the beginning of my presidency there were some challenging times.”

HE’S THE REMINDERER: “Now, it’s not as good as we’d like it to be, but I want to remind you a few months ago there were predictions that the economy would shrink this quarter, not grow.”

OF COURSE ANYTHING MORE THAN ALL HIS FINGERS AND TOES SOUNDS LIKE A LOT TO HIM: “We use about 1.1 billion tons of coal a year. That sounds like a lot to me.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “Today my administration announced $36 million for new carbon capture projects. In other words, it’s more than just research.”

WHAT 250 YEARS OF RESERVES SHOULD SAY: “Two hundred and fifty years is -- of reserves should say, gosh, we’re in good shape; we got energy available right here in the United States of America.”

WHAT WE OUGHT TO BE UTILIZING: “We ought to be utilizing wind.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “The problem is, is that there’s a provision inserted into law that blocks oil shale leasing on federal lands. In other words, the federal lands that contain the oil shale, you can’t lease them.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “You can have a drilling site that protects the flora and the fauna, and explore in ways to get -- to be -- doesn’t deplete your reservoir unnecessarily. In other words, we get oil and gas to the pipeline.”

INTERESTING BUT SAD (BUT NOT ACTUALLY A STATISTIC): “One of the real problems we have is that we haven’t built a refinery in the United States in 30 years. Isn’t that an interesting statistic? It’s kind of a sad statistic”

WHAT WE’RE IN: “We’re in a interesting period of time.”

HE’S THE REMINDERER: “I sometimes remind people that we have to buy oil from places where people don’t particularly like us.”

I TRY NOT TO PRY INTO MY CAR’S SEX LIFE: “I don’t know if you pay attention to whether your car is flex-fuel or not, but that means you can either regular gasoline or ethanol.”

ER, RIGHT: “And I’m not sure how long it’s going to take, but don’t be surprised if technological breakthroughs don’t enable you to become gasoline producers.”

DICK CHENEY IS FUELED BY EATING BOTH (HE CALLS IT FLEX-FUEL): “I talk a lot about our energy resources, but the best resource in America is the brain power and the optimism of the American people.”

WHAT GEORGE LOVES: “We’re a fabulous country. You know, I have seen America at its very best in seven and a half years. I marvel at the entrepreneurial spirit in our country. I love the fact that people go from nothing to something. Our small business owners are great people. I love the fact that we’ve got people who understand the dangers we face, understand we’re facing ideological people that use murder to achieve their objectives, and want to hurt us again here at home.” I love the fact that whenever Bush forgets what he was talking about, he starts jibbering on about The War Against Terror (TWAT).

Saying we are a compassionate nation, loud and clear

Today Bush held a ceremony to sign the vaingloriously named Tom Lantos and Henry J. Hyde United States Global Leadership Against HIV/AIDS, Tuberculosis and Malaria Reauthorization Act of 2008.

WHAT THIS BILL EMBODIES AND WHAT THIS BILL SAYS LOUD AND CLEAR: “This bill embodies the extraordinary compassion of the American people. We are a compassionate nation. And that’s what this bill says loud and clear.”

BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE “COMPASSIONATE” DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN’T BE A COMPLETE DICK TO EVERYONE AROUND YOU: “And the bald-headed guy on the end -- (laughter) -- not you, Biden, but -- (laughter) -- Rear Admiral Tim Ziemer, who is the U.S. Malaria Coordinator. Thank you for coming.”

LIVING POSITIVELY: “As more people get treatment, we will show the world that it is possible for people to live positively with HIV while making important contributions to their communities.”

GEORGE SAYS HI: “I want to speak directly to those around the world who have, or think they may have, HIV: A positive diagnosis does not have to be a reason for shame. So don’t let shame keep you from getting tested or treated. Your life is treasured by the people who love you. It is precious in the eyes of God. It matters to the people of the United States.” Which is why we ask you about it on your immigration or visa forms and exclude you if you have it (today’s bill didn’t quite lift the ban, which Health & Human Services has to sign off on).

There are no interesting pictures from this event, so I’ll give you three from yesterday of Bush leaning towards various people.

You’re making the choices about whether you want to drive a little extra more or not drive extra more

Today Bush visited the Lincoln Electric Company in Ohio, where he said, “I’m proud to be here with ‘the welding experts.’”

“One of the issues that in a time of economic uncertainty -- and these are uncertain times, no question about it.” So there’s no question about uncertainty. Of that he is certain.

“They’re uncertain because you’re paying high prices at the gas pump. They’re uncertain because you’re reading the newspapers about the housing issue. They’re uncertain times.” So stop reading the damned newspapers, America! Bush never reads the newspapers and he’s never uncertain.

WHAT WE OUGHT TO BE DOING DURING UNCERTAIN TIMES: “And during uncertain times, we ought to be playing to our strengths, and implementing good common-sense policy.” Because when you think of George Bush’s strengths, you think fart jokes implementing good common-sense policy.

IN OTHER WORDS: “On the other hand, products going into Colombia from the United States face a duty, a tariff, a tax....” Someone may have given George a thesaurus. “... In other words, the products made in the United States going into that market cost more because of taxes imposed by the Colombian government.”

GEORGE TALKED TO THE VOICES IN HIS HEAD ABOUT HIS MAGIC WAND: “Somebody said, what are you going to do about gasoline prices? I said, if I had the magic wand, I’d wave it.”

Pointing at his magic wand, which he is waving.

A LITTLE EXTRA MORE: “What’s interesting, however, is that people are plenty wise about how to conserve. You’re making the choices about whether you want to drive a little extra more or not drive extra more. It’s the collective wisdom, again, of the American people that really do set the best conservation measures.” Oh hidden hand of the free market, what is there that you can’t solve?

WHAT YOU GOT TO UNDERSTAND: “So when you hear ‘my gasoline prices are going up,’ you got to understand the main reason why is because oil prices are going up.”

WHAT WE GOT: “We got an energy problem here.”

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE WELDING: “I am confident nuclear power is safe, because I understand that the products that go into a nuclear power plant are made by some of the finest welders in the United States of America.”

WHAT WE’RE HEADING INTO: “And therefore we’re spending a lot of your money -- I think it’s well spent -- to find cellulosic ethanol possibilities. That means wood -- that’s a fancy word for wood chips or switch grasses -- all aiming -- my point to you is, is that we’re heading into a new era.”


YUP, HE’S DEFINITELY GOT HIS HANDS ON A THESAURUS. “But I’m here to talk about the meantime, the interim, the right now.”

At the end he asked for questions and there weren’t any, dammit, even though he threatened, “If you don’t have any questions, I can tell you a lot of interesting stories.” So he told that stupid story about seeing a rainbow in Bucharest that one time six years ago: “the rainbow ended exactly behind the balcony where the tyrant had given his last speech. Now you can look at that any way you want to look at it. I’ll tell you how I looked at it. I looked at it as a sign that freedom is beautiful. That freedom brings peace. That freedom is not ours alone. That freedom is universal. Or maybe it’s just light refracting off some water droplets in the air, creating an optical illusion. Or, you know, that freedom-is-universal thing, whatever.” I may have made up the last two sentences.

DON’T TELL HIM THAT THE REST OF US CAN SEE RAINBOWS TOO: “So I saw that rainbow, and I said I’m the fortunate -- most fortunate man to be the president of this fabulous country.”

Wherein a fitting lunch is eaten

Today Bush met Pakistani Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani.

THE MOST DEMOCRATIC MEAL OF THE DAY: “We’ve had a good meeting in the Oval Office. And then I’m going to have lunch with the Prime Minister here in the main White House. And that’s fitting. After all, Pakistan is a strong ally and a vibrant democracy.” No, I’m still not seeing what that has to do with lunch.


VERY: “And of course, we talked about the common threat we face: extremists who are very dangerous people.” Sometimes they even have (gasp) brunch.

What idea do you have?

In a long profile of Secretary Treasury Hank Paulson in the NYT business section, Paulson asks plaintively, “When I talk to people, there are a whole lot of them that say: ‘I don’t like this,’ ‘I don’t like that,’ ‘I don’t like the other thing.’ I say: ‘Neither do I. What idea do you have? What do you think we should do?’”

The article is illustrated by another NYT entry in my series, Everything You Need to Know About the Economy You Can Tell By the Expression on Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s Face.

Name of the Day

I started reading the open letter by Matt Browner Hamlin of the Mark Begich senatorial campaign (Alaska) to Ted Stevens’s campaign manager, but I couldn’t get past “Dear Mr. Tibbles” without giggling shamelessly.

Possibly the Stevens campaign is run by a Siamese cat owned by a little old lady.

It would explain a lot.

The hardest, um, word

Headline of the Day, from the Indy: “Sorry, Says Dominatrix Who Betrayed Mosley.” Do you know how you can tell someone is a crap dominatrix? She says, “Sorry.” Max Mosley, by the way, has won his libel case against the News of the World, and gotten legal costs plus £60,000 for pain and suffering. Which is no doubt what he’ll spend it on.

I’m still too lazy to... I mean, time for another CAPTION CONTEST! YAY!!

Bush, still working on that walking-and-waving-at-the-same-time thing:


Why is this man smiling?


Who gave Stumbles McDrydrunk their baby to hold?


What is it with him and other people’s personal space?


Isn’t he adorable when he waves?


Still, nothing says awkward like McCain holding hands with the Dalai Lama.



And I see he brought along his fluffer. Although say what you will about Lindsey Graham, he did coordinate his tie with the Dalai Lama’s robes.


When old men meet.

An honest belief

From the Justice Dept’s August 2002 memo (pdf) helpfully telling Guantanamo torturers that they could not be prosecuted under the Torture Act unless they could be proved to have had a specific intent to cause long-term suffering and if they had a “good faith belief” that they were not causing severe suffering: “an honest belief need not be reasonable”.

I believe that also serves as a summing up of the entire Bush presidency.

Sausage fest

Today, Obama visited Germany and McCain visited Schmidt’s Sausage Haus und Restaurant in Columbus, Ohio. He had the bratwurst.

Speaking of things whose exact contents you really don’t want to know, McCain spoke his mind, saying that he stands by his previous declarations that Obama wants to lose the war in Iraq for political reasons, saying, “It’s pretty obvious he’s taken this position to secure the nomination of his party.”


He also got some cream puffs to go.

And speaking of cream puffs to go, Lindsey Graham was with him.


Fudge haus? Really, McCain? Really? That’s what you chose to stand in front of? Really? I spend much of my time making fun of the way George Bush speaks, and I still find that insultingly easy. Fudge haus, indeed.

Happy Captive Nations Week, everybody! Bush gave a little speech today about the “freedom agenda” at the offices of the USAID, which he described as being “on the front lines of compassion and decency and liberty.” Because nothing says compassion and decency and liberty like war terminology.


He quoted former presidents about how liberty and democracy and shit. It may be the first time I’ve ever heard someone quote Woodrow Wilson’s pledge to make the world safe for democracy other than in an ironic or sarcastic way.

He also talked about things former presidents did for liberty and democracy and shit, including “the Marshall Plan, the Berlin Airlift” and... wait for it... “support for freedom fighters in Central America”. Also, the invasions of Grenada and Panama.

“Even now, change is stirring in places like Havana and Damascus and Tehran. The people of these nations dream of a free future, hope for a free future, and believe that a free future will come. And it will. May God be with them in their struggle. America always will be.” So evidently we always will be, but God might be, because God’s a little, well, unreliable.

Headline of the Day

From the Guardian: “‘Karadzic Gave a Massage to My Wife and My Daughters’” (Subhead: Nick Medic tells of his horror at discovering his Serbian doctor’s true identity)

Caption contest:

Over-qualified to be president

McCain had planned to hold a campaign event on an off-shore oil rig tomorrow, but has cancelled due to Hurricane Dolly.

See? he does so know enough to come in out of the rain.

Representative Hunter, in more ways than one

Several commentators have said that McCain’s comment, which he repeated three times Tuesday, that Obama “would rather lose a war than lose a campaign” is the most scurrilous thing they’ve ever heard a politician say (I think it was Joe Klein that used the word scurrilous). I’d remind them that in 2002 Bush said that opposition to his plan to remove civil-service protections from government workers transferred into Homeland Security proved that the Democratic-controlled Senate was “not interested in the security of the American people”.

According to the WaPo’s indispensable Al Kamen, former presidential candidate Duncan Hunter wished to live up to his name by going to Chad to dunk hunt some wildebeest. All in a good cause, of course – he planned to donate the meat to refugees from Darfur. The State Dept told him there are no wildebeest in Chad, which bans big-game hunting anyway. The Republican Party must be so upset it didn’t choose this guy.

Rep. Hunter (R-CA)

A very Chimpy Colombian Independence Day: Libertad means freedom

Today, Bush held an event at the White House in honor of Colombian Independence Day. No one embarrassed him by asking if he knew when Colombia became independent or from what.

As always with such events, he took the opportunity to express his prowess in the Spanish language: “Thank you. Siéntese. Gracias. Buenos dias. Bienvenidos a la Casa Blanca.” “Hola, Luis.” “And after this brief discurso...” “They chanted a simple, but powerful message -- ‘Libertad’ -- that means freedom.”

WHY, WHAT DID YOU THINK I MEANT? SNIFF SNIFF. “As many of you may know, Colombia supports [sic] America’s primary source of energy -- a resource that many Americans use, and we thank you for your coffee.”


Did you know that the US “helped rescue Colombia from the brink of becoming a failed state”? Now you know.

He again called for Congress to pass the free-trade treaty with Colombia and praised President Uribe, who “has stood strong against tyranny and terror.” In the context of the speech’s previous paragraph, it is clear that by “tyranny” he means Venezuela, which he also called a “threat.”

The White House also issued a “fact sheet,” called “Defending Democratic Values We Share with Colombia,” which proclaims such triumphs as “Labor conditions in Colombia have significantly improved.” As an example of this significant improvement, it says that fewer than 40 trade unionists were brutally murdered last year. Hurrah!

Continued stresses

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson made a speech today in which he asked Americans to be patient with the economy as it experiences “continued stresses”. Speaking of continued stresses...



The NYT had its own entry in Everything You Need to Know About the Economy etc, with a three-picture series illustrating this article in the dead-tree edition today, but they only used one of the pictures online, so you’ll have to make do with my pictures of those pictures.

I’m too lazy to... I mean... CAPTION CONTEST, YAY!!

Call this a caption contest for some leftover pictures from yesterday, when 1) Barack was in Iraq for a briefing on the Iraq situation by Colonel Combover,


2) John McCain went to Kennebunkport to be anointed by, er, George H.W. Bush (true story: McCain is actually 12 years younger than Bush the Elder rather than, as the picture would suggest, 12 years older),



3) Junior had an unsettlingly creepy picture taken with the March of Dimes national ambassador Catharine Aboulhouda,


4) before settling down for a nice dinner with past and future Olympic athletes of the female persuasion, any one of whom could have snapped him like a twig but, sadly, did not.

An independent Kosovo

Today, Bush met with the president and prime minister of what he called “an independent Kosovo”.

AND I POINTED OUT THAT HIS EYES SEEM TO FOLLOW YOU AROUND THE ROOM. SPOOKY. “I mentioned to both these leaders that they were sitting right below the portrait of George Washington, the founder of a free United States.”


SO I HAD THE SECRET SERVICE PULL DOWN THEIR PANTS AND MAKE THEM STAND UP BEFORE THE ENTIRE CLASS... “And I appreciate your courage. I appreciate your leadership. And I commit the United States to help you realize your dreams.”

After they made their remarks, pantsless, Bush concluded, “Thank you, guys.” Which is the correct form of address for the president and prime minister of an independent Kosovo.


Caption contest. The AP’s original caption: “Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., touches the face of veteran Steve Dunwoody as he stops to talk with him during a campaign stop at the Maine Military Museum in South Portland, Maine, Monday, July 21, 2008.”

Focus!

Current BBC headlines:

“Obama Urges Focus on Afghanistan”

"Coalition ‘Bombs Afghan Police’”

A much, much safer and secure environment

McCain said (whilst blowing the secrecy of Obama’s visit to Iraq), “I am sure that Senator Obama is going to arrive in Baghdad in a much, much safer and secure environment than the one that he would’ve encountered before we started the surge.” Ya know, Mister Maverick, it would be more impressive if you picked for your comparison point some time period other than the height of a civil war. I mean, for low-bar-setting, that statement is only surpassed by “John McCain is smarter than George Bush.”

Name of the Day, as pointed out by The Now Show: Britain’s new knife czar (they’re having a little tabloid-fueled panic over knife crime lately), Mr. Alfred Hitchcock (no relation).

General time horizon

UR DOING IT WRONG: “Three Chinese reporters attending a police briefing on the success of an anti-gun campaign were accidentally shot”.

Remember: “arbitrary date for withdrawal” bad, “a general time horizon for meeting aspirational goals” good.

Caption contest:



P.S. Is a general time horizon anything like a time tunnel?

We should not fall prey to that argument that somehow we’re killing innocent civilians

Condi Rice, on Sean Hannity’s radio show today: “the line about killing civilians, I believe, is an unfortunate one. We sometimes hear it in Europe. We should not fall prey to that argument that somehow we’re killing innocent civilians. It is the Taliban that is doing that.”

Also today, the US military admitted having killed eight civilians and injured two more in an air strike in Afghanistan Tuesday, saying it “deeply regret[s] any occurrence such as this where civilians are killed and injured as a result of insurgent activity and actions.”

As for that wedding party, they’re still not admitting having bombed it, but are continuing to “investigate.”

Bush went to California today to fly over some wildfire damage, pretend he knows how to read a map,

Ah see some green things an’ some brown things an’...

and meet our illustrious governor.

Yeah, ah can totally take this guy.

Ah’m gonna totally wail on your Terminator butt.

With the inevitable result.


And, for your captioning pleasure:

I know how to win wars

Today McCain claimed that he was the person to win the war in Afghanistan because “I know how to win wars.” Yes, he did so well the last time.

He said he would appoint a “war czar” for Afghanistan, because, if you really want to invoke the thought of victory in Afghanistan, you have to go with a Russian term.

He compared himself to Obama, who once threatened to take military action inside Pakistan. “I won’t bluster and I won’t make idle threats. But understand this, when I am commander in chief, there will be nowhere the terrorists can run and nowhere they can hide,” he blustered and idly threatened.

Number 12 in the series, “Everything You Need to Know About the Economy You Can Tell By the Expression on Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s Face”

And a special surprise bonus feature, Everything You Need to Know About John McCain’s Campaign You Can Tell By the Expression on His Face.

Bush press conference: Became a nervousness

Bush held a press conference this morning.

BECAUSE IF THERE IS ONE THING BUSH STANDS FOR, IT IS HEARING THE FRUSTRATIONS OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE: “Democratic leaders have been delaying action on offshore exploration and now they have an opportunity to show that they finally heard the frustrations of the American people.”


On the economy, he adopted the Phil Gramm position that it’s all in our heads (sadly, no one asked Bush if we’re a nation of whiners): “And so the purpose [of the intervention to save Ms. Mae and Mr. Mac] was to send a clear signal that, one, we understand how important these institutions are to the mortgage markets, and two, to kind of calm nerves.”


IF YOU’RE A COMMERCIAL BANK IN AMERICA: “Now, if you’re a commercial bank in America and your deposit -- and you have a deposit in a commercial bank in America, your deposit is insured by the federal government up to $100,000.”

BECAME A NERVOUSNESS: “I happened to witness a bank run in Midland, Texas, one time. I’ll never forget the guy standing in the bank lobby saying, your deposits are good. We got you insured. You don’t have to worry about it if you got less than $100,000 in the bank. The problem was, people didn’t hear. And there’s a -- became a nervousness. My hope is, is that people take a deep breath and realize that their deposits are protected by our government.”

“And there are some things we can do. One is wait for the stimulus package to fully kick in and not raise taxes.” Aren’t those actually some things we can not do?


CHANGING THE PSYCHOLOGY: “They can pass energy legislation. I readily concede that, you know, it’s not going to produce a barrel of oil tomorrow, but it is going to change the psychology that demand will constantly outstrip supply.”

“Government action -- if you’re talking about bailing out -- if your question is, should the government bail out private enterprise, the answer is, no, it shouldn’t. And by the way, the decisions on Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac -- I hear some say ‘bailout’ -- I don’t think it’s a bailout. The shareholders still own the company.” Dude, that’s the definition of a bailout.

ONE OF THE THINGS GEORGE IS DEEPLY TROUBLED ABOUT: “And one of the things I’m deeply troubled about is people who feel like it’s okay to raise taxes during these times.”


WHAT CONSUMERS ARE BEGINNING TO SAY (BESIDES “AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!”): “I’ve been reading a lot about how the automobile companies are beginning to adjust -- people -- consumers are beginning to say, wait a minute, I don’t want a gas guzzler anymore, I want a smaller car.”

WHAT THE PRESIDENT DOESN’T HAVE, AND WHAT YOU JUST CAN’T SAY: “I think it was in the Rose Garden where I issued this brilliant statement: If I had a magic wand -- but the President doesn’t have a magic wand. You just can’t say, low gas."


WHAT THE STRATEGIC OIL PETROLEUM RESERVE IS FOR: “The Strategic Oil Petroleum Reserve is for, you know, emergencies.”

EVERY DAY IS A GOOD MORNING:

Q: Thank you, Mr. President. Good morning.

SHRUB: Thank you. It is a good morning.

Q: It is.

CHIMPY: Every day is a good morning when you get to serve the country.

Which is why Bush never has a good morning.


Asked what advice he’d give Obama when he visits Iraq: “I would ask him to listen carefully to Ryan Crocker and General Petraeus.”

Also to the Iraqis. “The Iraqis have invited us to be there.”


HE HAS AN MBA, YOU KNOW: “I was heartened by the fact that the Chinese the other day announced that they’re going to start reducing some of their subsidies, which all of a sudden you may have some, you know, demand-driven changes in the overall balance.”

WHAT GEORGE DOESN’T WANT TO BE: About oil prices: “Again, I don’t want to be a ‘I told you so,’ but if you go back and look at the strategy we put out early on in this administration, we understood what was coming.” But in February, the idea that gas prices might reach $4 was a complete surprise to you, o far-sighted one.


WHAT HIS VIEW ALL ALONG HAS BEEN: On Guantanamo prisoners: “My view all along has been either send them back home, or give them a chance to have a day in court.”

WHAT RECENT EVENTS IN ZIMBABWE SHOULD BE: “And it’s, frankly, unacceptable, and it should be unacceptable to a lot of folks.”

WHAT THE ENEMY IN AFGHANISTAN KILLS AT THE DROP OF: “there is a tough enemy, and they’re brutal, and they kill at the drop of a hat in order to affect behavior.” Whereas we kill at the drop of a hat in order to affect weddings.

WHAT THEY HAVE NO, UM, DISREGARD FOR: “And they have no disregard for human life.”

WHY THESE PEOPLE KILL: “These people kill for a reason. They want us to leave.”

WHAT’S REALLY IMPORTANT: “And it’s really important we succeed there, as well as in Iraq. We do not want the enemy to have safe haven. Of course -- unless, of course, your attitude is, this isn’t a war. So if that’s the case, it wouldn’t matter whether we succeed or not.”

WHAT GEORGE UNDERSTANDS: “And I understand exhaustion and I understand people getting tired and -- but I would hope that whoever follows me understands that we’re at war”.


WHAT PEOPLE SAY: “People say, aww, man, you’re running out of time, nothing is going to happen.”

With all his talk about oil imports being a national security issue, he vehemently refuses a reporter’s suggestion that he call on Americans to drive less and turn down the thermostat (the reporter doesn’t realize it’s summer): “They’re smart enough to figure out whether they’re going to drive less or not. I mean, you know, it’s interesting what the price of gasoline has done, is it caused people to drive less. ... But the consumer is plenty bright, Mark. The marketplace works. ... it’s a little presumptuous on my part to dictate to consumers how they live their lives. ... And I suspect you’ll see, in the whole, Americans using less gasoline. I bet that’s going to happen. ... And the great thing about our system, it is the consumer that drives our system; it’s the individual American and their collection that end up driving the economy.” At least, until the gas runs out.


HE’S NOT AN ECONOMIST, HE’S AN OPTIMIST: “I’m not an economist, but I do believe that we’re growing. And I can remember this press conference here where people yelling ‘recession this, recession that’ -- as if you’re economists. And I’m an optimist.”

The worship services are a necessary part of developing a society for which they can be proud

This morning, Bush held a celebration to mark the 10th anniversary of the International Religious Freedom Act.

Religious freedom, he said, is darned important to us. “After all, when the Founding Fathers adopted the Bill of Rights, the very first liberty they enshrined was the freedom of religion.” I don’t think they were actually listing them in order of importance. Otherwise, the right not to have soldiers quartered in your house would be a more vital freedom than trial by jury.

“They recognized that the most basic freedom a man can have is the right to worship his own God as he sees fit.” Likewise, they said that the most basic freedom a woman could have was the right to worship Thomas Jefferson’s penis.

HE’S THE RELIG-MINDER: “Whenever and wherever I meet leaders, I’m going to constantly remind them that they ought to welcome religion in their society, not fear it.”

HE’S THE RELIGIO-MINDERER: “I’ll remind them someone pledged to love a neighbor like they’d like to be loved themselves is someone who will add to their society in constructive and peaceful ways.”

HE’S THE... REMIND ME WHAT HE IS AGAIN? “And when I speak to world leaders, I remind them -- leaders in those countries, that the worship services are a necessary part of developing a society for which they can be proud.”

LET US PRAY: “I ask for the good Lord to continue to bless our country.”

Speaking of praying to the deity of one’s choice, Bush later spoke in the Rose Garden about drilling for oil.

ALSO, “OO, FIREWORKS, PRETTY.”: “ When members of Congress were home over the Fourth of July recess, they heard a clear message from their constituents: We need to take action now to expand domestic oil production.”

OR TO BUY A LOTTERY TICKET OR PORN OR CHEETOS OR... “Every extra dollar they have to spend because of high gas prices is one dollar less they can use to put food on the table or send a child to school.”

He’s lifting the old executive order on offshore drilling, and demands that Congress follow suit: “This means that the only thing standing between the American people and these vast oil resources is action from the U.S. Congress.” That’s really quite a visual, isn’t it?

Unfortunate Name of the Day

A spokesperson for a pro-choice group in Colorado, Crystal Clinkenbeard.

Speaking of choice, as in spoiled for choice, here are some more London Review of Books personal ads. As ever, more can be found here.

Let this advert serve you as the Rosetta Stone of personal ads. Man, 38. Box no. 14/07

World’s worst univocalic personal ad writer. Male. 43. Box no. 12/03

I am more like Grand Duke Nicholas Mikhailovich of Russia than anyone else who has ever advertised here. Man, 54. Box no. 12/06

You can have the key to my heart! I’ll swap it for the combination to your gym locker. Yoga nazi (F, 43) plans on whipping you (dumpy, bland, moccasin-wearing M to 50) into shape with 18-week programme of sit-ups, circuits and emotionally-draining discussions about how pretty you really think I am. Box no. 13/06

An ancient Czech legend says that any usurper who places the Crown of Saint Wenceslas on his head is doomed to die within a year. During World War II, Reinhard Heydrich, the Nazi governor of the puppet Protectorate of Bohemia and Moravia secretly wore the crown believing himself to be a great king. He was assassinated less than a year later by the Czech resistance. I have many more stories like this one. I will tell you them all and we will make love. Man, 47. Box no. 14/04

Safe word

News from the Max Mosley breach-of-privacy lawsuit (dude, sex with one prostitute is private, five not so much): the News of the World is having trouble proving that the, as the British tabs like to put it, sex romp, was Nazi-themed, because the “dominatrix was too upset to give evidence”.

Today Bush met with his “economic team.”

WHAT THE PROBLEM IS, AND WHO IT HAS AFFECTED: “The problem, of course, is that gasoline prices are up, which has affected the people here in our country.”

Which brings us to another exciting episode of Everything You Need to Know About the Economy You Can Tell By the Expression on Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s Face.


John McCain, however, campaigning in Altoona, thinks American workers have nothing to be, you know, whiny about.

Would “Charles Samurai” be more credible?

In my spam folder I find an email offering pills at 80% off, from someone calling himself Charley Samurai. Who wouldn’t wish to purchase their medicine from someone named Charley Samurai?

Do you have an image in your head of what a “Charley Samurai” would look like? Is it almost entirely unlike... this?

A lot of meetings on important subjects

At the G8, Bush met with Chinese President Hu Jintao.

HE’S THE REMINDERER: “I told the President I was looking forward to coming to the Olympics. I reminded him that not only am I coming, but my wife, my mother and dad will be there, and we’re looking forward to your hospitality.”


WHAT HE AND HU HAVE CONSTANTLY HAD: “And of course, in this context, I -- the President and I have constantly had discussions about human rights and political freedom.”

ESPECIALLY THE FREEDOM TO WATCH HIM SOME HOOPS: “And I’m hoping to get tickets for the U.S.-Chinese basketball game. If you could help me get a ticket, I’d appreciate it.”

Finally, he summed up the summit.

WHAT GEORGE WOULD CALL THE MEETINGS: “We’ve just finished our meetings here in Japan. I would call them very productive.”

“See, George? I told you you weren’t allowed back here.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, we had a comprehensive agenda on helping those who are being affected by disease live healthy lives.” Except for the, you know, disease.

WHAT THE NATIONS SITTING AROUND THE TABLE HAVE GOT. FOR ONE THINGS, THEY’VE GOT A TABLE: “The nations sitting around the table have got much, and I think we’re required to help those who don’t. Pledges are important. Those have been -- you know, oftentimes in the political process people talk big, but they never follow up.” The phrase “compassionate conservative” somehow springs to mind.

HE’S THE REMINDEDER: “And so one of the key ingredients of these recent meetings was all of us need to be reminded that when we say we’re going to do something, we got to do it.”



DID THEY AGREE IN THOSE EXACT WORDS? “We also agreed that on high energy prices that we got to deal with both on the supply and demand.”

OFFSHORE AMERICA: “The Democratic leaders in Congress will not allow us to explore for oil and gas in parts of Alaska, offshore America, and now is the time for them to change their mind.”

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE: “We also -- I’m firmly -- believe that we can do this kind of exploration in environmentally friendly ways.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, this was a -- you know, a lot of meetings on important subjects, and we accomplished a lot.”

Wherein is revealed what George Bush respects a lot

The White House claims that retroactive immunity (which they call “retroactive liability protection”) for the telecoms “does not immunize any criminal conduct.”

AP: “Mariann Fischer Boel, Agriculture Commissioner at the EU, asked German farmers to stop sending her milk in protest at higher quotas that may lower prices. She has received more than 2,000 gallons. Much of it had gone off.”

Speaking of having gone off, George Bush, at the G8, met Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh for “a typical conversation among friends.”


WHO DOES GEORGE RESPECT A LOT? “and we did it in a spirit of respect -- and it was easy for me to do because I respect the Prime Minister a lot.” Really, George? Can you tell us what his first name is?

AND WHAT ELSE DOES GEORGE RESPECT A LOT? “I also respect India a lot”.

HE IS THE REMINDERER: “We talked about educational exchanges. I reminded the Prime Minister that the Indian American population is very proud of this relationship, and proud of their heritage, and proud of the leadership of the Prime Minister.”


FELINE UPDATE: The cat’s been here ten days now. Yesterday I had her vaccinated and de-wormed (as I do with all my roommates), but she still has no name. Your suggestions have been taken aboard, but none really leaped out at me (unlike the cat). One of the problems in this endeavor is that many names appropriate for a kitten are no good for a full-grown cat, and vice-versa. For example, some of you made Marx Brothers-related suggestions, as per the theme of this blog, but missed a rather good cat name, “Mrs. Rittenhouse,” the most Margaret Dumont-y of the names given to Margaret Dumont’s roles. It is, however, a name that can only be grown into. She may be a Mrs. Rittenhouse five years from now, but for the present she’s chewing newspapers, batting around bottle caps, and tearing up and down the stairs like Harpo (and no, I am not naming her Harpo) (not unless I can train her to come when she hears an old-fashioned bicycle horn).

I’m thinking about Christabel. Does she look like a Christabel?

Bush represents his country before the entire world

At the G8 summit, Bush met with shoulder-rub buddy Angela Merkel.

WHAT THEY TALKED ABOUT: “We talked about a lot of common problems, and a lot of common opportunities.” I’ll bet they did, I’ll bet they did.


WHAT ANGELA MERKEL IS: “Angela Merkel is a constructive force for good.”


The following AP photo bears this caption: “U.S. President George W. Bush poses during his meeting with Germany Chancellor Angela Merkel...” So this is him posing for the camera, putting on his most dignified, preznidential look.


Or possibly he just has gas. And waiting in the wings, aspiring to assume Bush’s mantle of dignitudity:

I’m not going to sit here and psychoanalyze the man

At the G8 summit, Bush met Dmitry Medvedev, who is to Putin what Bush is to Cheney.

He noted that it was the first time he was meeting Medvedev “since he has become President of his big country,” and he called him Dmitry and “he” and “the man,” but for some reason never tried to say “Medvedev” out loud.

GEORGE, HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT EVERYONE WHO STANDS NEXT TO YOU LOOKS SMART?: “I found him to be a smart guy who understood the issues very well.”

DAMMIT, JIM, I’M A CHIMPANZEE, NOT A PSYCHIATRIST: “You know, I’m not going to sit here and psychoanalyze the man, but I will tell you that he’s very comfortable, he’s confident, and that I believe that when he tells me something, he means it. Sometimes in politics people tell you one thing and mean another. My judgment is that when he tells you something he means it, and that’s going to be good for the world leaders to have somebody that -- you may not agree with what he tells you, but at least you know it’s what he believes.”


THE REMINDERER GETS REMINDED! “He reminded me of our visit to the White House in 2005, where we discussed foreign policy then. And now I plan on -- discuss it face to face as presidents of our respective countries.”

BUT, DAMMIT, HE IS THE REMINDERER: “I reminded him that, yes, I’m leaving, but not until six months and I’m sprinting to the finish.”

And he met with “a really good friend of the American people and a great leader in Africa, President Kikwete of Tanzania,” who will visit the US next month: “looking forward to giving you a good dinner.” Adding, “whadda you guys like to eat, missionaries? Heh heh heh.”


WHO GEORGE CARES DEEPLY ABOUT. NO, REALLY HE DOES: “You know, I care deeply about the people of Zimbabwe. I am extremely disappointed in the elections, which I labeled a sham election.”

Wherein is revealed what Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice finds really frustrating

Condi’s been very busy this weekend creating peace in the Middle East playing golf. And giving many interviews, all about creating peace in the Middle East playing golf. With CBS Sports (“And I have to say nothing’s captured my imagination like this” “That’s really my summer goal, is to get just a little bit better at chipping so that I can have a little shorter putt.”), with XM Radio (“like a lot of people, suddenly my driver, has gone off on the last couple of weeks the last – the last two times that I’ve played. And it’s really frustrating, you know?”), with the Pentagon Channel (“It’s a nice way to get out.”)and with, naturally, the Golf Channel (“I've been playing and playing a lot.” “I really like the fact that that one little ball, you should be able to hit it the same way every time, and you never can.”).

I’m sure there are no metaphors to be found in any of that.

Good to see their president waving that flag

A Scotland Yard sharpshooter who has sharply shot dead an unnamed but large number of people and is nicknamed “Killer,” has been awarded £5,000 in damages for his hurt feelings after a Met commander jokingly told him, “I’ve always wanted to meet the Met’s very own serial killer.” One anonymous copper said that the sharpshooter was, and I quote, “bang out of order.”

Well, I guess it had been a while since we blew up a wedding in Afghanistan and then denied it, claiming to have killed only “militant extremists,” like the bride.

In Tokyo, Bush held a press conference with Prime Minister Fukuda.

SO, GEORGE, HAVE YOU MEMORIZED THOSE LITTLE CATCHPHRASES ABOUT NORTH KOREA WE GAVE YOU? “I view this process as a multi-step process where there will be action for action.”

NOSTRADUMBASS SPEAKS: “I’ve got a pretty good sense about whether or not a G8 is going to be a success or maybe not such a success. This one is going to be a success.”


IN OTHER WORDS: “I appreciate very much your strong belief in the accountability aspect of this meeting. In other words, when people say they’re -- make a pledge to feed the hungry or provide for the ill, that we ought to honor that pledge. And I thank you for understanding that.”


A PROVEN FACT: “And the truth of the matter is, we can give grants, but the best way to help the impoverished around the world is through trade. It’s a proven fact.”

HE’S THE REMINDERER: “And then I’m going to spend some time, of course, sharing my views about the environment and how we can advance our common agenda, and that -- remind people that the United States and Japan really do lead the world in research when it comes to clean technologies.”

UNSPEAK: “We’re -- we passed uninsurance benefits -- unemployment benefits -- excuse me.”

THAT STATEMENT YOU DIDN’T MAKE IS NOT ACCURATE AND YOU SHOULDN’T NOT MAKE IT AGAIN: “Somehow there’s this notion -- inherent in your question is the delisting therefore took away their sanctions. That’s just not an accurate statement on your part -- if you think that -- I’m not assuming you do think that, but -- they’re a highly sanctioned regime.”

WHAT THE OLYMPICS IS: “I view the Olympics as a opportunity for me to cheer on our athletes. It’s an athletic event. i had the honor of dealing with the Chinese -- two Chinese Presidents during my term, and every time I have visited with them I have talked about religious freedom and human rights. And so, therefore, my decision to go was -- I guess I don’t need the Olympics to express my concerns.” Or a basic working knowledge of the English language.


“I happen to believe not going to the opening games would be -- the Opening Ceremony for the Games would be an affront to the Chinese people...” As opposed to the lack of political and religious freedom “...which may make it more difficult to have a -- to be able to speak frankly with the Chinese leadership.” You know who else can’t speak frankly with the Chinese leadership, without being beaten up and/or imprisoned? The Chinese people.


WHY HE’S DOING WHAT HE’S DOING: “That’s why I’m doing what I’m doing. And I’m looking forward to cheering the athletes. I think it will be -- I think it would be good for these athletes who have worked hard to see their President waving that flag.” Bill Clinton used to say the same thing, but I think he meant something different by “waving that flag.”

WHAT PEOPLE SHOULDN’T FEAR: “I have been very clear in my view that, for example, a whole society is one that honors religion, and that people shouldn’t fear religious people.”

Chimpish ignorance and superstition

Language Log takes Bush to task for selectively quoting from a Thomas Jefferson letter in his July 4th speech yesterday in a way that distorted its meaning. Here’s the full quote, with the words Bush for some reason skipped highlighted:

May it [the United States] be to the world, what I believe it will be — to some parts sooner, to others later, but finally to all — the Signal of arousing men to burst the chains under which monkish ignorance and superstition had persuaded them to bind themselves, and to assume the blessings and security of self-government.

Today, Bush’s Indy-Day-themed weekly radio address claimed that “human freedom is the birthright of all people and a gift from the Almighty” and concluded, “And with the protection of Divine Providence it will continue to shine brightly for generations to come.” He may talk about liberty, but it’s always in that tone of monkish ignorance and superstition. People who don’t believe in liberty as being maintained solely by the thoughts and efforts of mere mortals, as opposed to “Divine Providence,” do not understand liberty.

We expect Japan to work hard to have good relations with Japan

Wednesday, Bush gave an interview to members of foreign, mostly Japanese, media in advance of the G8 summit.

HE’S THE CLEARERER: “And it’s very important for me to make it clear to him and the Japanese people that I value the bilateral relationship with Japan.”

A BRIEF HISTORY OF RECENT JAPANESE HISTORY: “The first Prime Minister I dealt with wasn’t around very much, he was -- he spent more time with my predecessor, obviously. And then Koizumi, and then obviously Abe and the current Prime Minister.” You might wanna memorize that name before you get there. And, indeed, learn how to say “Fukuda” without giggling.

WHAT GEORGE IS CONFIDENT ABOUT: “I’m confident people will be concerned about food prices and energy prices. We’ll discuss those.”

WHAT PARTS OF THE WORLD SHOULD BECOME: “But we can do a better job of selling seed and fertilizer -- or giving seed and fertilizer to help others grow crops. I mean, it is -- parts of the world should become sufficient in food, and they’re not.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “It turns out that energy independence and climate change can go hand in hand. In other words, the technologies that free us from dependence on hydrocarbons will be the very technologies that enable us to improve the environment.”

GEOGRAPHY IS NOT HIS THING: “such as your [Japan’s] cross-straits neighbor, China.”

WHAT WILL BE ON GEORGE’S MIND: “On my mind, of course, will be human rights and human dignity.” Because when you think George W. Bush, you think human dignity.

WHAT WE GOT TO REMEMBER AND WHAT WE GOT TO MEAN: “And we got to remember that there is suffering in the world and that when we speak, when we make pledges, we got to mean what we say.”

WHAT THE LAST G8 PEOPLE SAID: “And the last G8 people came to the table and said, okay, we hear you, now we’ll all pledge.”

WHAT THE QUESTION IS: “And the question is, have people written checks?”

HE’S THE GENTLE REMINDERER: “And I will gently remind people, to the extent I can be gentle, that it’s important for people, when they hear us talk, to know that there will be results.” Okay, in George’s case, that result is usually be nausea...

WHAT GEORGE CAN UNDERSTAND: About Japanese citizens kidnapped by North Korea: “I can understand the mom’s concerns. I got to see firsthand in the Oval Office how -- her sense of anguish and hurt that her sweet daughter had been abducted. So I understand the emotions of the issue. As a matter of fact, I invited her to come because I wanted to -- I wanted her and others to see firsthand my personal concern....” Because it’s all about you, George. “...The truth of the matter is, if I wasn’t concerned about the issue and didn’t think it was a priority, I wouldn’t have invited her to the Oval Office.” Quod erat demonstrandum.

WHAT HE SAY AGAIN: “But I will say it again, like I have said it time and time again, this is the beginning of our concern and it’s a framework to help solve the concerns of the parents, the people of Japan and the Japanese government.”

WHAT THE FUNDAMENTAL QUESTION IS: “And the fundamental question is how do you solve the problem of North Korea; that’s the question. That’s what the six-party talks were aimed to address. The history of this issue was at one point in time it was really only the United States that was dealing with the issue, others were kind of there, but they weren’t that -- they basically said, here, go solve it.”

WHAT NORTH KOREA IS: “But first of all, this regime is highly sanctioned. ... And we of course will consult with our partners to deal about -- I mean, step one is no change in the current status, which means highly sanctioned -- probably the most sanctioned nation in the world.”

THE ESTIMATE: A LOT. “it’ll make any international agreement ineffective if they’re not a part to it, because, you know, it is estimated that -- well, China is creating a lot of greenhouse gases and will continue to do so.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, if you can get nations to commit to a goal, you’ve got them committed to a process.”

WHAT THE WORLD IS NOW BEGINNING TO WAKEN UP TO: “the interesting thing is, is that the world is now beginning to waken up to the beauty of nuclear power.”

A COMPLETE DECLARATION: “One thing is for certain is they did collapse their cooling tower on the plant that had been used to manufacture plutonium. I mean, that is a complete declaration, at least of that aspect of what they said -- when they said they would dismantle -- or disable and then dismantle. And so we’ve got -- you know, there’s a process. Things are going on.”

WHAT GEORGE WOULD ASKS HIMSELF IF HE WERE SOMEONE ELSE: “Now, one thing that’s interesting -- I think I’ll you find this interesting, at least you’ll play like it’s interesting -- is this: Should the Iranian regime -- so I’m the guy who just talked about nuclear power, right? Should the Iranian regime -- do they have the sovereign right to have civilian nuclear power? So, like, if I were you, that’s what I’d ask me. And the answer is, yes, they do.”

AND WE KNOW HOW MUCH THE JAPANESE LOVE YOUNG SCHOOLGIRLS: On Japanese aid to Afghanistan: “It also ought to make the Japanese people feel good to know that they’re helping young girls go to school...”

PUTTING THE PAST BEHIND US: Asked about a suggestion evidently making the rounds in Japan that the Japanese prime minister visit Pearl Harbor and the American president visit Hiroshima, he said, well, no, of course, and that the reason he got on so well with Koizumi was “because we put the past behind us and focused on the future.”

OUR RELATIONS ARE STRONG: “First of all, the cornerstone of U.S. policy is good, strong relations with Japan. So, as far as the Bush administration goes, that has been our policy and we’ve acted on it. That’s not to say we can’t have good relations with China, nor Japan can have good relations -- I mean, Japan should have good relations with China. And we expect Japan to work hard to have good relations with Japan, just like Japan ought to hope that we have good relations with China, which we do. Our relations are strong, and some say have never been better. I’ll let the experts judge that.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “And so I don’t view the world as zero sum -- in other words, if you got a good relationship -- strong relationship, you can’t have a good relationship with China; quite the contrary. In good foreign policy and good diplomacy, a good relations with one makes it easier to have a better relations with another country. And that’s how we’ve conducted our policy.”

IN OTHER CONSEQUENTIAL WORDS: “Diplomacy -- in order for diplomacy to be effective, it has to be consequential. In other words, when five people say, here’s the way forward, and if you choose not to do so there will be consequences -- or if you choose to do so, there will be consequences, it is much more effective than one nation sitting there saying, please change your habits.”

WHAT THE VOICES IN GEORGE’S HEAD ARE SAYING NOW: “I think people would say that the Japanese autos and the Japanese R&D is very advanced on battery technologies, which is good. People say, well, doesn’t that upset you? And my answer is, absolutely not.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “In the meantime, we better transition to this period. In other words, evidently our Congress must have thought that there will be instant technology on the market, because they prevented us, since 2001, from exploring for known oil and gas reserves that we can do in environmentally friendly ways.”

WHY WE SHOULD CARE ABOUT AFGHANISTAN: “This is back to this man’s question down here about, why should we care about Afghanistan. The answer is, is because safe haven is a risk.”

My (still unnamed) cat...

would just as soon that 1) the fireworks would stop, 2) and while she’s hiding from the fireworks under the chair, someone wouldn’t take flash pictures of her. Just sayin’.

Wherein is revealed who was an unwavering champion of those struggling for liberty

Bush describes the late Jesse Helms as “an unwavering champion of those struggling for liberty.” I don’t think that word means what George thinks it means. He adds that “we pray he finds comfort in the arms of the loving God he strove to serve throughout his life.” I pray he finds that God is a pissed-off black lesbian.

Speaking of politicians who were friends to blacks, women and especially to black women, Bush celebrated the Fourth of July at Thomas Jefferson’s Monticello, which he’s evidently never bothered to visit before. Jefferson was a godless heathen, you know.

Jefferson, he said, “was known to have read five books at a time on a revolving book stand.” Whereas Bush has been known to spin five times on a revolving book stand until he gets dizzy and falls off.

Symmetrical simpleton
HOW WE HONOR JEFFERSON’S LEGACY (HINT: IT INVOLVES INVADING OTHER COUNTRIES): “We honor Jefferson’s legacy by aiding the rise of liberty in lands that do not know the blessings of freedom.”

Monticello hosted, as it does every year, a naturalization ceremony.

DUDE, THEY RAISE ONE HAND. UNLESS THEY’RE FRENCH, OF COURSE: “When you raise your hands and take the oath, you will complete an incredible journey.”

HEY, I’M JUST SURPRISED HE CAN COUNT THAT HIGH: “These immigrants have helped transform 13 small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people.”

Perhaps it’s not so popular to be a suicide bomber

Condi is “proud” of the invasion of Iraq, which has absolutely not, she says, made the world less safe. Her proof: “We’re now beginning to see that perhaps it’s not so popular to be a suicide bomber. We’re beginning to see that perhaps people are questioning whether Osama Bin Laden ought to really be the face of Islam.” Quod erat demonstrandum.

And now, a very special, international edition of “Everything You Need to Know About the Economy You Can Tell By the Expression on Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s Face,” from a press conference in London today.

What a joyous occasion it must be to know that the plan had worked

This morning Bush attended a ground-breaking for the new Walter Reed medical center, which will feature state-of-the-art reminding: “And those who wear our nation’s uniform will be reminded that they have the enduring gratitude of the American people.”


He talked about a sergeant who received a brain injury from an IED in Iraq. Bush saw him a year ago and “I was one who felt like this guy had no chance.” But “I welcomed he and his mom and dad to the Oval Office the other day. He was more eloquent than I was, which isn’t all that hard.” Oy.

WHAT GEORGE PRAYS: “I pray that this will be the site of many miracles of healing -- where the lame will walk again”.

Speaking of which, John McCain sought miracles of healing for his lame presidential campaign from the Virgin Mary at the Basilica de Guadalupe in Mexico City today.



Bush spoke about his phone call yesterday to Colombian President Uribe to congratulate him for snookering FARC out of its hostages: “And I told him what a joyous occasion it must be to know that the plan had worked”. Sadly, the joy of knowing that a plan had worked is something George has never experienced and will never experience.

Mythical principles of legality and humaneness

As you probably all know by now, there is new evidence that Guantanamo interrogation techniques were modeled after those China used on American POWs during the Korean War, as reported in a 1957 article by Air Force sociologist (!) Alfred Biderman entitled “Communist Attempts to Elicit False Confessions From Air Force Prisoners of War.” Blogs on the left have perhaps unfairly jumped on the word false,

The article (pdf) was published at the tail end of the 1950s panic about “brainwashing,” which had been of intense interest to the CIA and the military, as Alfred McCoy recently recounted in his book A Question of Torture: CIA Interrogation, From the Cold War to the War on Terror, which is worth a quick read. The Biderman article is 10 pages long and also worth reading for its insights into the methods of breaking a human being’s will as well as for such ironies as “For the interrogator, forced standing has still further advantages. It is consistent with formal adherence to mythical principles of legality and humaneness important to the Communists.” (Donald Rumsfeld: “I stand for 8-10 hours a day. Why is standing limited to four hours?”)

And I’m also going to remind people that our habits are changing

This morning Bush talked about next week’s G8 summit.

WHAT ONE OF HIS REALLY IMPORTANT AGENDA ITEMS IS GOING TO: “And so one of my really important agenda items is going to -- is going to rally our partners to make commitments and meet commitments.”

WHAT WE’VE GOT TO WORK TO CONFRONT: “We’ve got to work to confront higher food prices.”


HE’S THE REMINDERER: “I’ll be reminding people that we can have better energy security and we can be better stewards of the environment without sacrificing economic growth.”

HE’S THE REMINDERATOR: “I’ll remind people at the G8 and other nations that we’re taking effective steps.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “The 2009 budget requests more than $4 billion to support technologies that have the potential to avoid, reduce and sequester greenhouse gases. In other words, we’ve got a strong agenda when it comes to providing money to encourage the advent of new technologies.” Sequester?


HE’S THE REMINDER-IN-CHIEF: “Look, we can’t have an effective agreement unless China and India are a part of it. It’s as simple as that. I’m going to remind our partners that’s the case.”

THE MORE OF OUR PEOPLE DIE, THE MORE WE MUST BE WINNING: “You know, one reason why there have been more deaths [of US troops in Afghanistan] is because our troops are taking the fight to a tough enemy, an enemy who doesn’t like our presence there because they don’t like the idea of America denying safe haven.” Seems like no one’s haven is all that safe in Afghanistan.

WHAT ONE THING WE NEED TO MAKE CLEAR IS: “One thing we need to make clear when I’m with our partners is that we’re not going to become protectionists, that we believe in free trade and open markets.” So he won’t use protection when he’s with his partners. Well that’s just wrong.


HE’S THE REMINDERSAURUS: “...drilling for oil and gas in our own country -- something I’ve been advocating ever since I’ve been the President. I’ve been reminding our people that we can do so in environmentally friendly ways.”

YOU KNOW WHAT HE REMINDS ME OF? A CHIMPANZEE WITH A FLAG LAPEL PIN. “Ultimately, of course, we’re going to transition away from hydrocarbon. But we’re now just in a transitional period and we need more oil to be able to do so. And I’m also going to remind people that our habits are changing.” But not his habit of reminding people of things. Such as that thing about how we’re in a transitional period so we need to use more oil to use less oil. Or something.

WHAT GEORGE FULLY UNDERSTANDS AND WHAT HE WANTS AMERICANS TO UNDERSTAND FULLY (HE’S THE FULLY UNDERSTANDERER): “I mean, nobody likes high gasoline prices, and I fully understand why Americans are concerned about gasoline prices. But I want them to understand fully that we have got the opportunity to find more crude oil here at home, in environmentally friendly ways, and they ought to be writing their Congress people about it, and they ought to say, you ought to be opening up ANWR and Outer Continental Shelf, and increasing oil shale exploration, for the sake of our consumers, as well as become less dependent on oil.” Again, drilling for more oil so we can use less oil.

AND IN CONCLUSION, WHAT GEORGE HOPES: “Listen, thank you very much. I’ve enjoyed being with you. I hope you’ve enjoyed being with me. You have? Thank you.”

Why a wounded Iraqi totally deserved to die

“He had like this evil smirk on his face. He was basically taunting us.”

George knows the way forward in housing

Bush, speaking at the Family Service Agency in Little Rock about the housing problem: “We know the way forward in housing -- good legislation and helping people stay in their homes.” See, and you thought it might be complicated.


Yesterday, asked whether he considered Obama patriotic, McCain said, “I think that Senator Obama is a great American success story. I think his family is. I think he’s someone who is admired and respected throughout this country and the world.” Not really a yes or no, is it?


Today McCain, in advance of his trip to Latin America, admitted that Colombia has “human rights abuses by the paramilitaries” “But I balance that against Uribe and his administration’s rescue of Colombia from a failed state status”. So that’s okay then. Something to carve on the headstones of murdered trade unionists.