Bush’s Brain resigns

Karl Rove gives a hilariously smug, self-satisfied interview with Paul Gigot of the Wall Street Journal. He will be leaving the White House at the end of the month. “I just think it’s time,” he said. “There’s always something that can keep you here”. Iron bars, razor wire and armed guards, for example, but perhaps that can still be arranged.

An act of war, followed by an act of douchebaggery

Israel is still trying to expel Marya (also spelled Mariya) Aman, the Palestinian girl I mentioned a week ago, who was turned into a respirator-dependent quadriplegic by an Israeli missile attack on an Islamic Jihad leader’s car that also hit her family’s car. They want to send her to Ramallah in the West Bank (the Amans live in Gaza), where she would almost certainly die because the Palestinian health-care system can’t cope with her injuries. Israel says it was never under any obligation to give her medical treatment in the first place because its attack on her family’s car was an “act of war.” So that’s okay then.


Must-read: Frank Rich’s Sunday column (link to a version not behind the pay barrier).

Tommy “Thomas” Thompson drops out of the presidential race: we hardly wanted to know ye.

Department of Be Afraider, Be Very Afraider

Tropical Storm Flossie has been upgraded to Hurricane Flossie.

A lot of opportunities to bring peace

Today Bush met with new French President Sarkozy in Kennebunkport. While awaiting Sarkozy’s arrival, he told reporters, “We’re going to have a heart-to-heart talk.” Uh oh. Is that anything like the heart to heart you threatened two days ago to have with Maliki if he dared say that Iran was a constructive influence? Reporters took the rare opportunity to question Bush extensively about whether there would be both ketchup and mustard available for Sarkozy to put on his hamburger (or hot dog, because America is all about free choice, if not haute cuisine) (that’s Frog talk) (Bush made fun of his father for speaking two words of French) (“le signe”), and “Do you think he’s bringing cheese?”

Bush said, “This is a complicated world with a lot of opportunities to bring peace”. Not many people can make peace sound so chilling. Well, you bring the “peace,” Sarkozy can bring the cheese, and we’ll see which one makes the world a better place.

Bush said, “I respect the French people, I respect the history of France.” Sadly, no one from what he called the “Fourth Estate,” a term which is derived from French history, gave him a pop quiz in French history, “what happened in 1789?”, “who called himself the Sun King?”, “who invented the guillotine?”, that sort of thing.

Then Sarkozy arrived, kissed all the women (he’s French, you know)



(Some days it’s harder to be French than others), and said a few words, while Bush got increasingly impatient, finally interrupting: “Beautiful. Thank you. We’ve got to go eat a hamburger. We’ve got to go eat a hamburger.”

Bush had said that he wasn’t sure if they would be going out fishing, but Sarkozy started doing a little “fishing” of his own.


(He’s French you know.)

Caption contest:

Ensuring fair treatment

An email from the Fred Thompson campaign begins a section, “Fred on the Issues” thusly: “Whoa now. Let’s hold our horses a minute and think about the calls for new tax increases to fix our infrastructure problems....” That’s just the sort of ersatz folksiness so sorely missing from this campaign. Can you imagine the drawl-off of an Edwards-Thompson debate?

Headline of the day: “Accused Says He Was Just Milking Goat.”

Marine Corps Gen. James Mattis, who seems to have extensive powers to prevent carriages, if you will, of justice, let two of those convicted in the killing of Awad the Lame, Tyler Jackson and Jerry Shumate, go free 4 months early from their plea-bargained terms of 21 months. The release, according to a statement from the Marines, was to “ensure fair treatment.” To whom, they did not say. Mattis also granted clemency to another participant, Robert Pennington, who was given an 8-year sentence just 6 months ago. Mattis cited his age and lowly rank, failing to note that it is generally young people of low rank who are sent into combat. If 21 was below the age at which Pennington was expected to be responsible for his actions, maybe he shouldn’t have been given a gun and sent to Hamdaniya in the first place. Awad the Lame (whose 4 grandchildren are pretty young too, if anyone cares, which one might have cause to doubt given that Awad the Lame is referred to only as “an Iraqi man” in the NYT, San Diego Union-Tribune, and LAT articles I consulted) was killed 16 months ago, in April 2006. Of the 8 men tried in 2007, all of whom pleaded or were found guilty, only 1 is still in prison. And Mattis is still reviewing his sentence.

On Thursday’s Daily Show, Jon Stewart did a segment on Bush’s use of “in other words.” Stewart gets upwards of a million bucks a year, I get the satisfaction of a job well done. Life is just so completely entirely fair. The clip is on the Daily Show website, for however long those things stay up. He explains to Chimpy, “We understand what you’re saying. The look on our face isn’t confusion, it’s disbelief. In other words, we understand, we just don’t fucking get it.”

If I can serve as unpaid gag writer/researcher for the Daily Show, the least you people can do is complete one joke for me (I can’t seem to think of a punchline worthy of the set-up). Giuliani says that he misspoke when he claimed yesterday that in 2001 he was at Ground Zero “as often, if not more, than most of the workers.” So what did he really mean to say? I was at my cigar club as often, if not more... I was at my mistresses’ apartment as often, if not more... I was giving interviews to Fox News as often...

Democrats discuss gay issues: semantics may be important to some

Some of the Democratic presidential candidates went to a Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Transgender/whatever-the-term-is-for-“I’m not really gay, I just offered that guy twenty bucks to blow him ‘cause I’m afraid of black people” forum, which turned out not to be an actual debate. (For anyone reading this in another country or twenty years from now, here’s a link to explain that reference.)

Biden and Dodd skipped the event, then decided that skipping was itself kind of gay and decided to hold their own belching contest to prove who is the more manly. Jeez, between the hair plugs and the fathering a child in your sixties, I think you two have the over-compensation thing pretty well covered.

Since Dodd claimed a scheduling conflict, I hope someone tracks down what he was actually doing last night.

Obama is playing the race card for all it’s worth, and quite a bit more. Evidently he understands everything the LGBTW community goes through because he’s black and his name is “Barack Obama” and his parents couldn’t have gotten married in some states. (Later he says that isn’t what he was saying and that he’s not into “comparisons of victimology.”) But he is not in favor of letting gay people marry, says civil unions, “As I’ve proposed it, it wouldn’t be a lesser thing, from my perspective,” and the difference is just “semantics.” “Semantics may be important to some,” he said dismissively. He says he would have advised civil rights leaders in the 1960s not to bother trying to end miscegenation laws, but to focus on issues that have “real consequences.” And he reassured churches that no one would force them to perform gay marriages. In retrospect, I think he was saying that as long as everyone gets full legal rights, the state shouldn’t really have an opinion about what constitutes a marriage because the bond of marriage is a purely religious one. Maybe someone should ask him if atheists should be allowed to marry.

He even repeated the famous sentence from his 2004 convention speech, about which I wrote, “You’ll notice his ‘We coach Little League in the blue states and have gay friends in the red states’ line carefully avoided creeping out the homophobes of Middle America by keeping the Little Leaguers and the gays in separate states.”


As John Edwards walked in, the camera focused on an audience member with weird hair. He also understands what it’s like to be different, because he’s so pretty. Lord, right after I wrote that, he did actually say that he understands it because he grew up in the segregated South.

He repudiated his previous statement that he opposes same-sex marriage because of his religious views. But he still opposes same-sex marriage. “All I can tell you is where I am today.”

Asked what he’d do if one of his staff said they were trans-gendered and thinking about making the “transition,” Edwards says he’d help them “in every possible way.” Fine, you hold the penis while the doctor cuts it off.

He said he’s perfectly comfortable around gay people, no matter what you’ve heard.


Dennis Kucinich, who understands what it’s like to be different because he’s an elf and is the favorite of this crowd and of Melissa Etheridge, keeps talking about the power of love. He loves love (although he’s not in love with it).

This is not proving as entertaining as I anticipated.

Mike Gravel also loves love. Melissa Etheridge asks him how he can be so gay-friendly when he’s like really really old, and if there are many gay people in Alaska. Three, as it turns out, and they’re all in the front row.


He says all gays should come out of the closet. I don’t know why, but that’s the only thing I’ve heard so far that surprised me.

Do igloos have closets?



The non-debate format allowed me to fast forward through Bill Richardson (but not in a gay way). I put it back on play while I fed the cat, and he was so laughably out of his depth that I had to go back and listen to the whole thing. He said (sigh) he understands what it’s like to be different because he’s Hispanic. Asked whether homosexuality is a choice or inborn (sadly, no one else was asked this), he seemed never even to have heard of the issue before, first mumbling that it was a choice, then that it was a scientific matter and he doesn’t understand science. Gay people befuddle him (but not in a gay way). He refuses to say if he’d sign a gay marriage bill if one were passed by the New Mexico Legislature, just as Obama refused to say if he’d have voted for one when he was in the Illinois lege.

Hillary talked about Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and the Defense of Marriage Act as “transitional” policies to fend off far worse Republican moves, trying to make essentially anti-gay measures sound progressive. No one is buying. Although they’ll probably vote for her anyway, and then act surprised when she does little if anything for them. She opposes gay marriage, and calls that opposition a “personal position.” Like Edwards, she seems to think that’s relevant, but a presidential candidate’s positions on public policy issues are not “personal.” She said prefers to think of her position not as anti-gay marriage but as pro-civil union. Margaret Carlson prompted her to say, “I’m your girl,” just as she did to the AFL-CIO two days before. She said it (I could swear I heard Kucinich say it too), but she isn’t. Her and Obama’s sort of “pragmatism,” their willingness to compromise with other people’s rights... hey, I was expecting to blog this forum with nothing but double entendres!


I don’t think there was more than that one question about transgendered people, and I’m quite sure there were none about bisexuals.

Living up to the standards of the Marine Corps

Marine Corps Gen. James Mattis drops the charges against Lance Corp. Justin Sharratt for his role in the Haditha Massacre (click on the H.M. label at the bottom of this post for more on Sharratt), saying he lived up to the standards of the Marine Corps when he mowed down a family of civilians. Mattis accepts the disproved premise that “combat” was going on in Haditha, that the Marines were under fire.

This is very good, but is it really the only Nichols and May sketch available on YouTube?



Fifty religious quotes from the Rev. Chimpy.

Bush press conference: there’s no proof of wrong

Bush held a press conference this morning. Hilarity ensued.

THAT THING YOU DO: “The American people need to know that we’re working hard to find out why the bridge did what it did so that we can assure people that the bridges over which they will be traveling will be safe.” Or you could actually make them safe.


A HUMAN POST-IT NOTE: “In my discussions with President Musharraf, I have reminded him that we share a common enemy”. On the one hand, that “reminded him” thing is pretty condescending. On the other, isn’t it nice that he shares?

WHY, I CAN MAKE A HAT OR A BROOCH OR A PTERODACTYL...: “We spend a lot of time with the leadership in Pakistan, talking about what we will do with actionable intelligence.” His own intelligence, by the way, indicates that Pakistanis like to be called “Paks.”

MR. EMPATHIC STRIKES AGAIN: “I can understand why Pat Tillman’s family, you know, has got significant emotions”. We know. “And I’m confident the Defense Department wants to find out the truth, too”. And then lie about it again.


WHAT THE IRAQIS NEED: “these folks need to trust each other more.” He says of the Iraqi government, “a lot of Americans look at it and say, there’s nothing happening there; there’s, like, no government at all, I expect they’re saying.” But actually, he says, the Iraqi parliament is passing many laws, “some of which are directly relevant to reconciliations”.

IN OTHER WORDS: “But one of the things I found interesting in my questions was there is revenue sharing -- in other words, a central government revenue sharing to provincial governments.”

“My belief is that people will make rational decision based upon facts.” He really has no self-awareness whatsoever, does he? That was in response to a question about the financial sector and the sub-prime-loan issue. Asked whether the government should help the recipients of those loans who are about to lose their houses, he said fuck no, but “obviously anybody who loses their home is somebody with whom we must show enormous empathy.”


IF ONLY BUSH WERE A MAN OF AS FEW WORDS AS MALIKI: “Prime Minister Maliki is visiting in Tehran today. His message, I’m confident will be, stabilize, don’t destabilize.” If not, little Nouri will get a talking to: “Now if the signal is that Iran is constructive, I will have to have a heart-to-heart with my friend, the Prime Minister, because I don’t believe they are constructive.”


“I don’t think he, in his heart of heart, thinks they’re constructive, either. ... So the first thing I looked for was commitment against the extremists. The second thing is does he understand with some extremist groups there is connections with Iran, and he does. And I’m confident.”

Interestingly, he’s careful this time not to repeat the lie that Iran has a stated policy of building nuclear weapons: “They have expressed their desire to be able to enrich uranium, which we believe is a step toward having a nuclear weapons program.” Still, he says Iran, you know, hates Israel and funds Hezbollah and “It’s a very troubling nation right now.”

IN OTHER WORDS (on Guantanamo): “I also made it clear that part of the delay was the reluctance of some nations to take back some of the people being held there. In other words, in order to make it work, we’ve got to have a place for these people to go. ... In other words, part of the issue, Peter, is the practical issue of, what do we do with the people.”

As for the new Red Cross report about torture practices in Gitmo, “I haven’t seen it. We don’t torture.” Except for grammar, which he waterboards with every sentence he speaks: “One of the things I’m anxious about, want to see happen, is that there to be trials.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “And therefore, what we’d really be talking about is a simplification of a very complex tax code that might be able to lower rates and at the same time simplify the code, which is like shorthand for certain deductions would be taken away -- in other words, certain tax preferences in the code.”

Honestly, how do you get past the age of 7 with such a poor grasp of singular and plural? “[T]he reason there is tax preferences in the first place are there are powerful interests that have worked to get the preference in the code.”

Asked how he can afford the war and fixing all the bridges and whatnot, he said, “One can meet priorities if they set priorities.” “They” being Congress, which he proceeded to lecture like little children, which is of course the best way to persuade them: “The problem in Congress is they have trouble actually focusing on priorities. ... And we’ve proven that you can set priorities and meet obligations. And so the Congress needs to learn to do that itself.”


He said that “Lewis Libby was held accountable” and that Gonzales doesn’t need to be held accountable because “There’s no proof of wrong. Why would I hold somebody accountable who has done nothing wrong?” Why indeed. “And as a matter of fact, I would hope Congress would become more prone to deliver pieces of legislation that matter, as opposed to being the investigative body.” I’ll bet you would.

Bush admits that he bases his evaluation of Iraq entirely on ideology, and assumes everyone else does the same: “But for those of us who believe it’s worth it, we’ll see progress. For those who believe it’s not worth it, there is no progress.” A few seconds later he repeats that “This is an ideological struggle.” Against reality.

Stoopid reality.

Surge versus Surge

Military spokesmodel Lt. Col. Chris Garver warns that there may be a “surge in enemy operations” in Iraq, adding, “and surges are like totally our thing and they’re totally stealing our thing, and it’s not fair.” (Honestly, enough with the surge of surge references: “surge of operations,” “surge of facts,” etc.) Garver added (um, this one’s a real quote), “It would not surprise us at all if there were efforts by the enemies to make it look like this isn’t working at all.” Well, if they can pull off their “surge in enemy operations,” wouldn’t that make it not so much that it would look like the US surge isn’t working, as that it would actually not be working?

Laura and Jenna are to co-write a book about a president boy who doesn’t like to read. Can’t make this shit up. It will, of course, be a picture book.

Department of Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

Tropical Storm... Flossie?

In other words, not only is our economy strong, but so is the economies around the world

Wait, there isn’t a Democratic debate today? Is that even legal?

Bush gave a little speech at the Treasury Department today. He in other words’d quoted Treasury Secretary Paulson: “Here’s how he puts it. He said, ‘This is far and away the strongest global economy I’ve seen in my business lifetime.’ In other words, not only is our economy strong, but so is the economies around the world.”

He warned against the Democratic approach to the budget: “Democrats in Congress got a significant appetite for more federal spending.” Mmm, federal spending.

“I’m an optimistic person, particularly when it comes to the ability of Americans to create and dream and work hard. I’ll be less optimistic if Congress has its way and raises taxes on the American people.” Oh no, Congress is threatening our greatest national resource, George Bush’s sunny optimism! They must be stopped!! “And that’s why we’re going to work hard not to let them do so.” Don’t you mean create and dream and work hard not to let them do so?


He kept bringing up eBay as a model for the economy, or something.

“The purpose of government is to make it more possible for people to realize dreams, and to enhance the entrepreneurial spirit.” And to invade countries and kill people, don’t forget that. “That has been the policies of this administration and it will continue to be the policies of this administration.”

See, Bush knows that speeches need drama and drama needs conflict. That is why his subjects and verbs are constantly in violent disagreement.

NEWS FLASH: Iraq is kinda depressing to think about in the middle of the night.

Must-read: Patrick Cockburn evaluates the “surge.”

The Bushies talk a lot about reconciliation in Iraq, but the one goal they have conspicuously failed to set for themselves is the reversal of sectarian cleansing. (I may be stating the glaringly obvious here, but I’ll take that risk.) The US in Iraq is tacitly allied with the militias that forced families to flee their homes with only what they could carry, because the only way the Americans can think of to dampen sectarian violence to the point where they can declare victory and go home (except for the ginormous embassy, the permanent military bases, etc) is complete segregation. So the next few decades are set: Sunnis and Shiites will no longer work in the same workplaces, vote for the same political parties (assuming there are any real elections), go to the same schools, date, marry, or procreate with each other. Their lives simply will not intersect. No one will think of themselves as “Iraqis.” Freedom, ain’t it grand.

(Click for larger image.)

Democratic debate: You shouldn’t always say everything you think when you are running for president

Tonight the Democratic presidential candidates not named Gravel debated in an AFL-CIO debate. I’ll go out on a limb and predict that the gay-themed debate two days from now will be less snooze-inducing. The candidates were all in favor of infrastructure and against mine cave-ins. All of which would have sounded a lot kinkier at the gay debate.

Obama would call the president of Mexico and the (non-existent) president of Canada to fix NAFTA. Biden, despite not representing a state actually bordering Canada, knows they have a prime minister.


Hillary said if you want someone to stand up and fight the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy, “I’m your girl.” Does that mean she’ll fight like a girl?


Kucinich says he’s the Seabiscuit of this race. Or possibly Hillary said she’s Seabiscuit and Kucinich said he’s your girl – I wasn’t paying very close attention. All of which would have sounded a lot kinkier at the gay debate. Which will be on the Logo Channel, by the way, for the 3 of you who get that one. Last month I saw a very good 1972 tv movie on that channel with Hal Holbrooke as a divorced man coming out to his 14-year old son. His live-in boyfriend was Martin Sheen.


Asked about China, Hillary said she doesn’t want her children [sic] eating bad food from China, or playing with toys from China that will make them sick. Isn’t Chelsea a little old for Thomas the Tank Engine?


Everyone but Obama is so solicitous of General Musharaf. Jeez guys, does the opposite of “naive” (if threatening to invade a country can be so described) really have to be cynical and Kissingerian? Hillary lectured him, “You shouldn’t always say everything you think when you are running for president.” So, COMPETITION 1: What is she thinking that she isn’t saying?


COMPETITION 2: Edwards said that, unlike Hillary, “You’ll never see me on the cover of Fortune magazine”. What magazine cover will we see him on?

Where lethal enemies have gathered

George Bush walking on his hind legs: It is not done well; but you are surprised to find it done at all.


Dick Cheney gave a speech yesterday to the Marine Corps League convention. He spoke about how terrorists are not very nice, and we know this because they operate just like Dick Cheney: “We know, from tough experience and from ongoing intelligence activities, how this enemy aims to proceed -- by plotting in secret, by slipping into the country, exploiting any vulnerability that they can find, and by using every form of technology they can get their hands on.”


“The central front” in The War Against Terror (TWAT), he said, is Iraq. “We are there because it is where lethal enemies have gathered.” Gathered what? Rosebuds? Nuts in May? No moss?

And “The main battle in Iraq today is against al Qaeda.”

But “there is unmistakable progress inside Iraq. More locals are getting into the fight.” Yay! More people killing each other! Unmistakable progress! Yay!!

The US embassy in Bolivia warned Americans not to attend a military and Indian parade in the city of Santa Cruz which, in the event, came off with no violence. But it does raise the question... a military and Indian parade?

Wait, there are pictures:

ADDENDUM: Bush fully understands the angst, agony and sorrow that Afghan citizens feel when an innocent life is lost, won’t do a thing to stop it

I left out a line from Bush in this morning’s presser, about civilian casualties caused by American military operations in Afghanistan: “I can assure the Afghan people, like I assured the President, that we do everything we can to protect the innocent”. That is, we are already doing everything we are going to do to protect the innocent, and since this has not prevented many civilians getting killed in the past, many more of them will be killed in the future.

Bush fully understands the angst, the agony and the sorrow that Afghan citizens feel when an innocent life is lost

Bush had a press conference with Harmid Karzai at Camp David this morning. Karzai spoke in English, Bush spoke in cliché: “He’s watched his country emerge from days of darkness to days of hope.”


As usual, Bush is proud of stuff he didn’t do: “There is still a fight going on, but I’m proud to report to the American people that the Afghan army is in the fight. The government is in the fight and the army is in the fight.” He said this fight will “send a clear message” (Bush is always trying to send clear messages, always failing) “that the governments can help provide an opportunity for children to raise their children in a peaceful world.” Children raising children, how adorable.

Karzai, by the way, had a son just this year. Did you know that?

Bush: “I think our citizens will be interested to know, for example, that 7,000 community health care workers have been trained that provide about 340,000 Afghan men, women and children a month with good health care.” That’s 1% of the Afghan population.

Asked about the Obama Doctrine, that is whether he would act militarily in Pakistan if Musharraf didn’t, Bush evaded: “I am confident that with actionable intelligence, we will be able to bring top al Qaeda to justice. We’re in constant communications with the Pakistan government.”


About the rising numbers of Afghan civilians killed by the US military: “I fully understand the angst, the agony and the sorrow that Afghan citizens feel when an innocent life is lost.” 1) I don’t think he knows what the word angst means, much less fully understands it. 2) He seems to have inadvertently left out of that list another emotion that Afghan citizens feel when an innocent life is lost: pissed off. 3) Not “lost,” killed. 4) Not “an” innocent life, thousands of them.

He added, “The Taliban have no regard for human life.”

Karzai said, “I had a good discussion with President Bush on civilian casualties. I’m very happy to tell you that President Bush felt very much with the Afghan people, that he calls the Afghan people allies in The War Against Terror [TWAT! Karzai must read this blog], and friends, and that he is as much concerned as I am, as the Afghan people are. I was very happy with that conversation.”

Karzai told CNN yesterday that Iran was being helpful in Afghanistan. Bush seems to think otherwise: “And I must tell you that this current leadership there is a big disappointment to the people of Iran.” Man, imagine what it must be like to live in a country whose current leadership is a big disappointment. That must be so... disappointing. “This is a government that is in defiance of international accord, a government that seems to be willing to thumb its nose at the international community and, at the same time, a government that denies its people a rightful place in the world and denies its people the ability to realize their full potential.” At the same time? Is that like patting your head and rubbing your belly?

Really, where can I get me one a those hats?

I wonder where I can get one of those talking monkeys?

Underestimating the depth of the misunderstanding and mistrust

In February I passed on a story in the Sunday Times about a 5-year old Palestinian girl, Marya Aman, whose family’s car was hit by an Israeli rocket, killing her mother, brother and grandmother and turning her into a quadriplegic. The Israeli High Court has now temporarily blocked the attempt of the government to forcibly remove her from her hospital bed in Jerusalem to the West Bank (what’s left of her family lives in Gaza), where the inferior care available might well kill her. So, um, hurrah for the Israeli High Court.

Actually, I had rather assumed that the original story would have embarrassed the Israeli government into acting like human beings. Silly me.

Secretary of War Robert Gates went on Meet the Press today. He continues to be wildly successful in his job, which consists of not being Donald Rumsfeld. He suggested that reconciliation is not going well in Iraq because “I think we, perhaps, all underestimated the depth of the misunderstanding and mistrust among these sections, among these factions in Baghdad over time”. Mistrust certainly, but not misunderstanding: the factions understand each other perfectly well. That is why they mistrust each other.

He says that the “military side of the surge” has been successful, and he offers proof in a not entirely reassuring manner: “There’s one major town – I’m not going to name it because I don’t want it to be a target – but there’s one major town in Anbar that has not had a, an IED explosion since February.”

Asked if the US might act unilaterally in Pakistan, á la Obama, Gates said, “I think we would not act without telling Musharraf what we were planning to do.” So that’s okay then.

“President” Karzai is in Camp David. For the second time in a week, Bush engaged in his favorite game of aiming his golf cart at the press corps, pretending he intends to run them over, with a world leader in the passenger seat (and the First Ladybot, who actually has killed someone with a motor vehicle). Hilarity ensued.



Where can I get me one a those hats?

Meanwhile in Seoul, there was a demonstration demanding that the US negotiate for the return of the Korean missionaries being held and/or executed by the Taliban. One of the demonstrators wins the prize for creepiest mask at a demonstration.

Republican debate: just come home

The Republican presidential candidates debated this morning on ABC, which hasn’t bothered to create a transcript and whose website makes you watch a commercial before every excerpt, which limited the number of excerpts I felt like watching.

Romney said he gets “tired of people that are holier than thou because they’ve been pro-life longer than I have.” Then it’s just as well he’s not trying to get the nomination of a party dominated by holier-than-thou types. Oh wait. McCain said that abortion “has a lot to do with national security... it says very much what kind of a country we are, and our respect for human life.”

Romney said that of course we’ll would send troops into Pakistan unilaterally whenever we feel like it, but Obama shouldn’t have said that out loud, in front of the children. McCain said that we might invade Pakistan but that since such an invasion might result in the overthrow of Generalissimo Musharaf and the establishment of a radical government there we should just not talk about it and hope they don’t notice we’re invading them, like the Cambodians never heard about the “secret bombing” of Cambodia until years later, when they could, you know, laugh about it. Romney, who needs to hire some gag writers whose cultural references come from a decade other than the 1960s, said that Obama had “gone from Jane Fonda to Dr. Strangelove in one week.” “Mein führer, I have the audacity to walk.”


Several candidates meant to say that you needed security before you could have proper democracy, but wound up actually saying that you can have democracy without voting. Giuliani compared Iraq to New York City (only less Jewy), which cowered in fear before he vanquished crime and made the city safe for democracy. Before him, of course, all New York mayors came to power through palace coups, or poisoning their predecessors’ egg cream, or pulling a magic squeegee (called Excalibur) out of the hands of a homeless man (oddly enough called the Lady of the Lake).

Brownback called for a soft partition of Iraq into three parts, just like before World War I. So he intends to re-establish the Ottoman Empire. Sounds like a plan.

Giuliani stole a McCain line (McCain spent the whole debate looking too dazed and dispirited to care all that much) that the D’s in their debates never use the word [sic] “Islamic terrorism,” and this is just political correctness taken too far. Then he upped the ante, coining the term “Islamic extreme terrorism,” which is ever so much worse than Islamic moderate terrorism.


Ron Paul said we should “just come home” from Iraq.

I think we all had the same thought while watching this debate: it would have been so much better if only Jim Gilmore were still in the race.

Bad touch

In other war crime trial news, Priv. Jesse Spielman has been sentenced to 110 years for his role in the Mahmudiya Massacre, in which 14-year-old Abeer al-Janabi was gang-raped, then murdered along with her entire family. Spielman just stood lookout and participated in the cover-up, and so was convicted of conspiracy, arson (of the body), drinking, and... wait for it... “wrongfully touching a corpse,” but got the longest sentence (not that I’m feeling sorry for him, you understand, just noting the capriciousness of the military justice system). He’ll be eligible for parole in 10 years, after serving just 9% of his sentence.

Out of these tragedies can come a better life

On the front page of the Pentagon website this morning I found this picture,


with the caption: “NEW FRIENDS - U.S. Army 1st Sgt. Todd L. Hood, with 4th Platoon, Delta Company, 2nd Battalion, 12th Infantry Regiment, 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 2nd Infantry Division, Fort Carson, Colo., greets a child while searching homes for weapons in the area of Dora in southern Baghdad, Aug. 1, 2007. U.S. Air Force photo by Master Sgt. Jonathan Doti”

New friends, indeed.

Bush in Minneapolis today, standing in front of a metaphor for his administration collapsed bridge.



He has totally learned the lessons of Katrina and brought aid with all deliberate dispatch: “On behalf of the citizens of America, I bring prayers from the American people to those who suffered loss of life”. So he’s the official prayer-carrier now? He “brings” prayers (in a little wooden box emblazoned with the presidential seal, no doubt), “on behalf” of the citizens of America. “I bring the prayers of those who wonder about whether they’ll ever see a loved one again.” Wonder? Like they’re just kinda curious.

He met that guy who saved the kids. “We have an amazing country, where people’s instinct, first instinct, is to help save life.” Yes, they don’t have that in any other country in the world. “There’s a lot of peoples’ first instincts here in the Twin Cities was to save the lives of somebody who was hurting.” Hurting? He’s so into his “gosh isn’t compassion neato” mode that he’s literally forgotten what sort of disaster occasioned the speech.

Talking the total bullshit some people seem to feel obligated to speak after a disaster, he insisted, “Out of these tragedies can come a better life.” A better bridge would also be nice.

Dude! Yeah, you, second from right, it’s hands over balls, not hands over butt. Get with the program.

Maybe they pluck the bombs with their shiny new yellow reflective belts

The WaPo has a maybe-should-read about the new American policy of authorizing Sunni militias, trying to apply the so-called Anbar model. I get a strong sense of American military types being in way over their heads, not having any idea who the players are as they try to pick through complex local politics and praying that the people they’re backing aren’t lying to them and won’t shoot them the moment their backs are turned. How all this really works in practice has been a mystery to me for a while now, and the article doesn’t help that much:

“The fighters are provided with badges, yellow reflective belts and arrest powers.” How precisely can the US military grant arrest powers to people who are unrecognized by the central government? What happens to people they “arrest”?

When the US talks about signing “security contracts” with sheiks to protect pipelines, are they really just paying protection money? Is anyone else horrified by the sentence, “The military would also pay the sheiks $100 for every bomb plucked off the roadside”?

Plucked?

I’m guessing they have a separate line for reincarnation licenses at the Llasa DMV

Cpl. Marshall Magincalda is sentenced to time served for the murder of Awad the Lame. And demotion to private. Sgt. Lawrence Hutchins III, however, gets 15 years.

Marine Sgt. Major Jeffrey Morin, CentCom’s top enlisted officer, who is already just one letter away from the esteemed title of Military Moron, says the “surge” is working. “They are buying generators -- you don’t buy those unless you have confidence.” Confidence that electrical power for more than a couple of hours a day will never be restored.

Sentence of the day, from a BBC report out of Tibet: “From 1 September, all reincarnations of ‘Living Buddhas’ would need government approval, Xinhua news agency said, citing the State Administration for Religious Affairs.” The original headline for that story in the Times of London, which has sadly been de-snarked since its original posting: “Buddhas Must Get China’s OK to Reincarnate.”

Speaking of reincarnation, what do you have to have done in your previous life to come back as... this?

Wreaking havoc through death (or possibly the other way around)

Bush is now asking Congress not to take its summer recess without giving him the power to conduct surveillance without warrants. Today he went to the FBI building to hold meetings. Important meetings. Meetings about homeland, excuse me, Homeland security and shit. “Just had a beginning of a series of meetings today, and during those meetings it is clear that people around that table fully understand we have no higher duty than to protect the American people.” “It’s important for the American people to understand there are cold-blooded killers who want to come to our homeland and wreak havoc through death. And that’s what we were discussing today.”

There is nothing I could add that would make stuff like “wreak havoc through death” funnier or more absurd than it already is. What’s a blogger to do?

Caption contest, that’s what.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find out what it means to me

Gen. Rick Lynch, Military Moron, says that the enemy in Iraq is “the most vicious enemy we’ve ever seen. He has no respect for human life”. So Lynch will launch a wave of aerial bombing.

Sgt Lawrence Hutchins III has been convicted for the murder of Awad the Lame, but without premeditation, presumably because he and his men killed Awad the Lame after the guy they premeditated murdering wasn’t at home (by the way, none of the 8 were charged with conspiracy to murder that guy). Still, nice to see one member of the death squad convicted of actually killing Awad the Lame, the charge for which everyone else slid, either by acquittal or plea-bargain. Hutchins may have assured his conviction by his reported remark on the night, “Congratulations gents, we’ve just gotten away with murder.” For some reason he was acquitted of kidnapping. Hutchins was also the only defendant who didn’t claim post-traumatic stress.

Wars have repercussions for decades, including lethal ones. Last week several Vietnamese children, three I think, were killed by a 1970s landmine. This week a British man died at 86 from the effects of having been beaten by the Germans when he was a prisoner during World War II.

Public executions return to Iran. Fun for the whole family.

So very disappointed

The Cabinet met this morning, and afterwards GeeDubya did a blow-by-blow for the press: “We talked about the fact that the bridge collapsed”. “We spent a fair amount of time talking about the fact that how disappointed we are that Congress hasn’t sent any spending bills to my desk.”


He complained that Democrat-proposed increases in discretionary spending would amount to $205 billion over 5 years, which he noted “averages out to about $112 million per day, $4.7 million per hour, $78,000 per minute.” But wait, there’s more: “Put another way, that’s about $1,300 in higher spending every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every year for the next five years.” Funny how he never breaks down spending for the Iraq war that way.

The America I know is the last, best hope for that child looking up at a helicopter

Like Trent Thomas, Cpl. Marshall Magincalda has been convicted of conspiracy to murder Awad the Lame, but not of the actual murder and kidnapping or of making a false statement, although unlike Thomas he was found guilty of housebreaking and petty larceny. Both juries (all members of which served in Iraq) seem to have come to agreements to ignore some of the elements of the crime so that they can justify handing down ridiculously light sentences.

Venezuela’s RCTV has finally begun operating as a cable station, only to find that Chavez is going after its license there too, demanding that it register as a “national content provider,” with the obligation to break into its programming to broadcast every one of Hugo Chavez’s four-hour-long speeches.

Barack Obama gave a foreign policy speech today intended to dispel Hillary’s attacks on him as a foreign-policy light-weight (which he is, as is she). I have only read it rather than seen it, but on the page, at least, it is an effective speech, with lots of really good lines. Totally misguided, but you gotta respect the quality of the rhetoric. For example, after 9/11, “Instead, we got a color-coded politics of fear. Patriotism as the possession of one political party. The diplomacy of refusing to talk to other countries. A rigid 20th century ideology that insisted that the 21st century’s stateless terrorism could be defeated through the invasion and occupation of a state.”

Obama effectively rebuts Hillary Clinton, as he’s been doing since the last debate, by linking her approach to that of George Bush: “The lesson of the Bush years is that not talking does not work. Go down the list of countries we’ve ignored and see how successful that strategy has been.” The funny thing about this is that Hillary went into that debate planning to call him “naive and irresponsible” about something, the way Reagan had that “There you go again” line prepared, and this just happened to be the opening he gave her.

As good as the speech is, I’m not sure how big a market there is for it. Are there a lot of people out there who like The War Against Terror (TWAT) but just dislike the way Bush has waged it, who want to pull out of Iraq in order to invade Pakistan? Or, as he calls it, “the right battlefield.”

Some of the rhetoric doesn’t stray far from the Bushian/Cheneyesque. Four times he spoke of the need to “take out” the terrorists. “We are in the early stages of a long struggle.” “Bin Laden and his allies know they cannot defeat us on the field of battle or in a genuine battle of ideas.” They may (questionably) know the former, but they certainly do not believe the latter. “[W]e will not repeat the mistake of the past, when we turned our back on Afghanistan following Soviet withdrawal”. I’m sure I’ve heard Bush say that, and I’ve never been clear exactly what we were supposed to have done.

“In ending the war, we must act with more wisdom than we started it.” Wow, talk about setting the bar low for yourself.

He has some specific proposals, like a world-wide network of secret police to “to take down terrorist networks from the remote islands of Indonesia, to the sprawling cities of Africa.” And a “$2 billion Global Education Fund to counter the radical madrasas”. Oh good, the Christian nation will fund anti-Islamic propaganda, and give education programs a bad name in the Muslim world.

And he will go to Korea. Sorry, does everyone remember that Eisenhower campaigned on a promise that he would “go to Korea,” without quite saying what it is he would do when he got there, play a few rounds of golf for all anyone knew? Anyway, Obama says, “In the first 100 days of my Administration, I will travel to a major Islamic forum and deliver an address to redefine our struggle.” “I will make clear that we are not at war with Islam”. Bush also says that, so I don’t know how impressed the Muslims will be.

His image of non-Americans, which he repeated no fewer than six times, is of a child looking up at a helicopter. We’re in the helicopter. Or we are the helicopter, I don’t know. Foreigners, though, are definitely children in this scenario. “That child looking up at the helicopter must see America and feel hope.” “I will speak directly to that child who looks up at that helicopter, and my message will be clear: ‘You matter to us. Your future is our future. And our moment is now.’” “The America I know is the last, best hope for that child looking up at a helicopter.”

Pakistan, shit, I’m still only in Pakistan.

You don’t have to have everybody on board

Unappetizing headline of the day: “Romania Confronts Huge Meat Pile.” Of course I had to click on it anyway, but really, it wasn’t worth it.

Or possibly the unappetizing headline of the day is this one: “China’s Hairiest Man Seeks Olympic Torch Duty.” There’s a picture. He really is quite hairy.

Cosimo Mele, an Italian MP from the Christian Democrat party whose wife is pregnant with their fourth child, says he deserves credit for calling for an ambulance when one of the hookers in his hotel room overdosed. “Of course I respect Christian values,” he said, “but what has that to do with going with a prostitute? It’s a personal matter.” He is, however, leaving the ChristDems (although not the Italian parliament).

At his confirmation hearings, the alliterative Michael Mullen, chairman-designate of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said yesterday that the US will be in Iraq for “years not months.” Oh good. He also had some stern words for Iraqi politicians, who probably won’t hear them, however, being too busy doing whatever it is Iraqi politicians do when they’re on vacation. Mullen said they “need to view politics and democracy as more than just majority rule, winner-take-all, or a zero-sum game.” On Larry King, possibly at that very moment, Dick Cheney was saying, “Remember, success for a politician is 50 percent plus one, you don’t have to have everybody on board.”

I could relate “you don’t have to have everybody on board” back to Mr. Mele and his two prostitutes, but that would be too easy.