A successful endeavor

As always on St Patrick’s Day, Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern celebrated in the White House. He gave Bush a bunch of weeds shamrocks, which Bush enjoyed receiving just a little too much.


Other Bushies were scattered across the globe. Condi was in Moscow.

“Hey shorty, my eyes are up here.”

Dick Cheney was in Iraq today for “the fifth anniversary of the beginning of the campaign that liberated the Iraqi people from Saddam Hussein’s tyranny.” Sometimes you forget that these people are actually proud of this war, and that pride is not at all diminished by the fact that it’s still going on after five bloody years. In fact, the longer it goes on, the prouder they are, because it just shows their unwavering determination. He called the war “a difficult, challenging, but nonetheless successful endeavor; that we’ve come a long way in five years, and that it’s been well worth the effort.” He doesn’t use the word “war,” not in any of the three sets of public remarks he made in Iraq. It’s a campaign, an endeavor, an effort, not a war. It’s even “a real success story”.


By the way, remember that Defense Dept report last week that said that Saddam Hussein didn’t have links to Al Qaida? Cheney said that that report really said that “there was a relationship between Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda that went back a decade.”


Interestingly, Cheney and McCain never appeared together, although they were close enough that Maliki had back-to-back meetings with them. Here’s McCain with the governor of Ramadi.


Must-read (and I mean it: it will be on the final): David Bromwich, “Euphemism and American Violence,” New York Review of Books.

Challenging

This morning Bush, wearing his lucky St Patrick’s Day tie, met with Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and then made a statement about the economy. “One thing is for certain -- we’re in challenging times.” Or, as economists would phrase that, “Oh God, my portfolio, my portfolio!”

He thanked Paulson: “And I want to thank you, Mr. Secretary, for working over the weekend.” On his resume.

He cheerily reassured us that, just like Iraq, “In the long run, our economy is going to be fine.” However, everything you need to know about the economy in the short run you can tell, as always, by the expression on Paulson’s face.

Potato fraud

Headline of the Day, Story Which Inevitably Doesn’t Live Up to the Headline Division: “Two Men Arrested on Charges of Potato Fraud.”

Speaking of potato fraud, John McCain was in Iraq today (what, does every segue have to make sense?). He didn’t venture into a public market as he did last year, although he does seem to be wearing the same blue checked shirt under the same Velveeta-filled body armor.


I seem to be at a low creative ebb today, and planning to reserve all my remaining creativity for deciding which character in the HBO John Adams miniseries matches which character in The Wire (John Adams as McNulty? Abigail Adams as Kima? Samuel Adams as Omar? Alexander Hamilton as Clay Davis? Ben Franklin as Bunk? Jefferson as Bunny Colvin? Washington as Stringer Bell?), so all I seem to be able to come up with for this picture is an unworthy reference to a “surge” of urine when a car backfires. My friends, as McCain would say, that means it’s time for another Caption Contest!

Five down, 100 to go

Patrick Cockburn has an overview of the Iraq War, five years young this week! Sample: “The war was too easy. Consciously or subconsciously Americans came to believe it did not matter what Iraqis said or did. They were expected to behave like Germans or Japanese in 1945, though most of Iraqis did not think of themselves as having been defeated.”

McCain says the American military will not only be occupying Iraq for 100 years, but Afghanistan as well. So pack a couple of changes of underwear.

Caption contest, Hillary at a St Patrick’s Day parade in Pittsburgh:

And so what are the folks, the experts, guys like Hubbard, anticipate to happen?

The Netherlands legalizes gay sex in public parks. Plan your vacations accordingly.

This morning Bush spoke at the Economic Club of New York.

He admitted that “our economy obviously is going through a tough time.” And why might that be, o mighty Master of Business Administration? “First of all, in a free market, there’s going to be good times and bad times. That’s how markets work.”


WHAT WE ARE: “I believe that we’re a resilient economy.”

MAKING THEIR BILLS DO WHAT? “Hardworking Americans are concerned -- they’re concerned about their families, and they’re concerned about making their bills.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “The rebates haven’t been put in the mail yet. In other words, this aspect of the plan hasn’t taken to effect.”


ANTICIPATION: “And so what are the folks, the experts, guys like Hubbard, anticipate to happen?”

THOSE WHO LIKE SPECULATED IN HOMES: “The purpose of government ought to be to help the individuals, not those who, like -- who speculated in homes.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “It’s a program that’s given FHA greater flexibility to offer refinancing for struggling homeowners with otherwise good credit. In other words, we’re saying to people, we want to help you refinance your notes.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, we’ve got an active plan to help us get through this rough period.”

PRINCIPLES: “We’re always open for new ideas, but there are certain principles that we won’t violate. And one of the principles is overreacting by federal law and federal regulation that will have long-term negative effects on our economy.”


ONE THING THAT’S CERTAIN: “One thing that’s certain that Congress will do is waste some of your money.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, Congress has got this habit of just sticking these deals into bills without a vote”.

GIVING CONGRESS ITS MARCHING ORDERS: “And then once they pass the Colombia, they can pass Panama and South Korea, as well.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “a lot of folks are worried about their neighbors losing work. In other words, they fear jobs moving overseas.”


IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, a community college system -- the interesting thing about it, it’s probably the most market-driven education system in the United States.”

WHAT KIND OF A PERSON GEORGE IS: “I’m the kind of person who doesn’t give a darn about polls and focus groups, and I do what I think is right.”

ER, SOMETHING ABOUT GETTING TIRED: “And the danger of getting tired during this world [sic] is any retreat by the America -- by America was going to be to the benefit of those who want to do us harm.”

WHAT WE BETTER WORRY ABOUT: “And I’m saying, we better worry about the conditions that caused 19 kids to kill us in the first place.”

HE’S AN MBA, YOU KNOW: “You talk about the price of oil -- yeah, it’s high. It’s high because demand is greater than supply, is why it’s high.”

When war criminals meet (Caption Contest):

Number 5 in the series “Everything You Need to Know About the Economy You Can Tell By the Expression on Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s Face”

He saw the dangers that hopelessness was the only way that these ideologues could recruit suicide bombers

Last night, George Bush went to two dinners. The man loves to eat.

The first dinner was that of the National Republican Congressional Committee.

He told them that only Republicans are Americans, or have American values, or something: “We represent the values of the American people. Our ideas are the ones embraced by the folks.”

That wasn’t the most odious thing he said. That would be this: “We’re under threat, ladies and gentlemen, and yet the House leaders blocked meaningful, substantial legislation that will help protect America for the sake of class-action trial lawyers.”

WE’VE GOT A RECORD: “Now we’ve got a record on which side will not raise your taxes.”

HE MADE A FUNNY: “Let me be clear about this: milk expires, taxes increase.”

BAD BILL! BAD! “The Democrat version of protecting America is a bad bill.”

EVER: “Removing Saddam Hussein was the right decision early in my presidency, it is the right decision now, and it will be the right decision ever.”

HE SAW THE DANGERS: And he told the story about Koizumi and Graceland AGAIN! “He is a good pal.” Really? Have you heard from him since he left office? “[W]hen he was in office, right after the attacks of September the 11th, he clearly saw the dangers and the opportunities. He saw the dangers that hopelessness was the only way that these ideologues could recruit suicide bombers.”

We’ll keep the red flag flying here

His next meal was the Kuwait-America Foundation’s Stand for Africa Gala Dinner.

He began by talking about Jenna’s forthcoming marriage: “So the guy comes to see me, and he says, I want to marry your daughter. I said, done deal.” Classy.

IS HE, ER, IT? “I thank the Diplomatic Corps who is here, as well.”

He recalled a conversation with Condi: “I can remember early on in my administration -- she was the National Security Advisor then -- and she said, I presume you’re going to pay attention to Africa. And I said, that’s a good presumption, because I believe to whom much is given, much is required.” Wouldn’t it be funny if they really did have that exact conversation? “And I firmly believe we’re required to respond to human tragedy when we see it.” Note the equation. Africa = human tragedy.


Others, however, did not presume he would pay attention to Africa. “So, my friends in Texas say, you know, don’t we have enough problems here at home?” Do these “friends in Texas” actually exist, or are they like the girlfriend no one’s seen because she “goes to a different school”? Also, you’ll note that even his imaginary friends are major douchebags.

Fortunately, he always sets his imaginary douchebag friends in Texas straight: “And then I remind them that we’re living in a very difficult period in the history of the world. After all, we’re witnessing an ideological struggle between those who kill the innocent to achieve political objectives and those who believe in human dignity and human rights and human freedom.” And other human stuff. That’s another conversation I could so totally picture actually happening. He did not say how his imaginary douchebag friends in Texas respond.

“But one thing is for certain: that this enemy we face cannot possibly find recruits based upon their vision. Their vision for life is so dark and so dim and so degrading that it’s impossible for them to recruit unless they find hopeless situations.” Like listening to George W. Bush. Ah, that’s what happened to George’s his imaginary douchebag friends in Texas: they all joined Al Qaida.

By the way, dark and dim and degrading... oh, insert your own Eliot Spitzer joke here.

Dull as Darling

British newspapers employ creatures called parliamentary sketchwriters, who cover Parliament as theater. American newspapers have no equivalent, that’s why God invented blogs. But what do sketchwriters do with speeches that are important but less than completely enthralling, such as yesterday’s budget speech by Chancellor the Exchequer Alistair Darling? They try to write entertainingly about how boring it was. Some examples:

Jackie Ashley of the Guardian, in an article entitled “Darling, Doyen of Dull”:

It may well be the dullest budget of my adult lifetime. It was so boring that, at times, the chancellor’s gentle drone seemed to be sending even him to sleep.

Ann Treneman of the Times:

Mr Darling smiled, for he’d wanted to be dull. It was his theory that, when the world economy is in the lurch, Britain didn’t want excitement. It wanted dull and, though it may be immodest of him to think such a thing, he thought he may have delivered exactly that. ...

“Dull, dull, dull!” praised an observer, eyes indeed dulled. ...

This speech was better than Valium, in whatever quantities. It was stupendously, doggedly and phantasmagorically dull. ...

Here, then, are my tips on how to be as dull as Darling:

– Talk about stability. In the first minute, he said it six times. Whenever there was a natural pause, he mumbled “stability”. It was a comfort word. The only possible conclusion is we are living in very unstable times.

– In the middle, talk about nothing. The speech was 52 minutes long and, except for the beginning and end, it was gloop. If this was a sandwich, the filling was a Treasury’s version of fish paste: mashed up footnotes that smell a bit funny.

Quentin Letts of the Daily Mail, “So Boring He Even Stupefied Himself”:

Eyeballs swivelled in sockets until the whites faced outwards. Westminster was turned into Torpor-on-Thames. ...

Geoffrey Howe, upstairs in the peers' gallery, lasted about ten minutes before he drifted away with the fairies, lucky swine. ...

A man from the SDLP staggered out of the Chamber mid-Budget, possibly in search of black coffee or a loaded revolver.

Simon Carr of the Independent:

The statistics produced by the Budget make very gloomy reading. Fabricated surprise up 27 per cent. Muffled indignation and ostentatious chatting – up 17 per cent. Stifled yawns, glazed expressions and numbed buttocks – up by a whopping 62 per cent. “But we must do more,” the Chancellor kept saying, followed by sage nodding (up 12 per cent) from the ex-chancellor beside him.

I’m convinced most people don’t want to try to sneak into America to work

Today Bush spoke, bilingually, to the U.S. Hispanic Chamber of Commerce. He brought much of the Cabinet with him. “These are people who are here to put an exclamation point on the subject I’m going to discuss with you today.” Including one of those cute little upside-downy ones y’all got.

He spent most of the speech pushing for ratification of the free-trade agreement with Colombia. He did this in two ways: 1) he said it would be a reward to Colombia for allegedly being a democracy and not hating the US too much, 2) he claimed free trade creates freedom, because it has the word free right in it; see where it says “free trade”? “Trade also serves a broader strategic purpose. When we enter into free trade agreements, we reinforce commitments to democracy, and transparency, and rule of law. ... In other words, trade helps democracies flourish”.


He contrasted the fine democracy of Colombia with the regime (he used the word three times) in Venezuela. See if you can spot the crucial fact he leaves out of this account:

Earlier this month, Colombian forces killed one of FARC’s most senior leaders -- a man believed to be responsible for trafficking cocaine and murdering hundreds of people. And the response to all this action reveals the challenges that Colombia faces. The President of Venezuela praised the terrorist leader as a ‘good revolutionary,’ and ordered his troops to the Colombian border.

Yes, he forgot to mention that Colombian forces assassinated Raul Reyes in Ecuador, not Colombia, without which tiny detail you might wonder why Chavez got so worked up.


What else has Venezuela done? “[S]enior regime officials have met with FARC leaders in Venezuela.” You mean when they were negotiating for the release of hostages at the express invitation of Colombia’s government?

Here’s my favorite sentence: “the region is facing an increasingly stark choice: to quietly accept the vision of the terrorists and the demagogues, or to actively support democratic leaders like President Uribe.” Just as he liked to conflate Saddam Hussein and Al Qaida, here he is claiming that Chavez (one of those “demagogues”) shares the exact same “vision” as the terrorists.


WHAT NEIGHBORS ARE WORRYING ABOUT: “There’s neighbors worrying about neighbors losing jobs.”

HE’S GOT AN MBA, YOU KNOW: “The more choices available, the better it is for a consumer. The more competition it is for a product, the less likely it is the price will rise.”

CATCHY: “You know, some have called for a ‘timeout’ from trade. I guess that’s probably popular with the focus group. You know, they toss out the word ‘timeout’ from trade -- it’s got this kind of catchy little title to it.”


IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, we’re focusing money to help people get the skills necessary to fill the jobs that are available in America. And when you get education, you’re a more productive worker, which means you’re going to get paid more money. That’s what that means.” He’s got an MBA, you know.

WHAT HE’S CONVINCED OF: “I’m convinced most people don’t want to try to sneak into America to work.”

YOU SAY POTATO, I SAY REFRIED BEANS, LET’S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF: “It’s mutually beneficial for Canada, the United States and America -- I mean, Mexico.”

They’ve got the capacity to blow people up through suicide

From Radio Prague: “The National Advertising Council has ruled that an advertisement billboard featuring Czech Foreign Minister Karel Schwarzenberg seemingly dozing at a session of Parliament is unethical and should be removed from all public places. The council concluded that the energy drink ad damaged the minister’s image and was used without his consent. The Foreign Ministry has distanced itself from the controversy surrounding the ad, with a spokesperson saying that the foreign minister was not asleep but ‘immersed deep in thought’.”

Speaking of immersed deep in thought, today George Bush spoke at the National Religious Broadcasters’ convention.

A WRATHFUL AND A VENGEFUL GOD: “I was very young when I first learned about obedience to a higher power -- and my mother sends her best to you.”

FUCKING CALVINISTS! “I know most of you, if not all of you, believe -- that every man, woman and child on the face of the Earth has been given the great gift of liberty by an Almighty God.”

Heaven pointy

He addressed the greatest fear of his audience of religious broadcasters. No, not declining morality, war, poverty, gay marriage, or the release of the rest of the Emperor’s Club’s client list, but rather, fairness: “Some members of Congress want to reinstate a regulation that was repealed 20 years ago. It has the Orwellian name called the Fairness Doctrine.” Because if the word “Orwellian” means anything, it means ensuring a multiplicity of viewpoints on the public airways: “Supporters of this regulation say we need to mandate that any discussion of so-called controversial issues on the public airwaves includes equal time for all sides.”

Controversial issues are not the only things Bush finds to be “so-called.” He also referred to the “so-called Fairness Doctrine” and to “so-called balance” (twice).

He added, “If Congress truly supports the free and open exchange of ideas, then there is a way they can demonstrate that right now. Republicans have drafted legislation that would ban reinstatement of the so-called Fairness Doctrine.” Er, don’t you mean “supports the free and open exchange of idea”?

Heaven pointy

Then he turned for the remaining speech to a subject sure to warm the heart of these broadcasters religious: war.

He said of the 9/11 hijackers, “These murderers were not instruments of a heavenly power; they were instruments of evil.” But at least we can all agree that they were instruments.

IN OTHER WORDS: “And of course, the two most notable theaters in this ideological struggle are Afghanistan and Iraq. Some seem to believe that one of these battles is worth fighting and the other isn’t -- in other words, there is a good war and a bad war.”

“[I]n Afghanistan, you say democracy, they’re not exactly sure what you’re talking about.” Dude, it’s not just in Afghanistan, and it’s not just when you talk about democracy that people aren’t exactly sure what you’re talking about.


IN OTHER WORDS: “Now the Taliban and its allies are seeking to launch new attacks against the people. In other words, these are relentless killers.”

“We saw the nature of the enemy just over a month ago when they sent two mentally retarded, troubled Iraqi women wearing suicide vests into crowded marketplaces.” Er, hasn’t that been debunked?

IN OTHER WORDS: “And as a return on our success -- in other words, as we get more successful, troops are able to come home. They’re not coming home based upon defeat, or based upon opinion polls, or based upon focus groups, or based upon politics.”

WHAT THEY’VE GOT THE CAPACITY TO DO: “They’ve got the capacity to blow people up through suicide”.

And we’ve got Americans, who heal the broken hearts of little Iraqi girls

Bush is in Tennessee today. At the airport he met with a Dr. Karla Christian, who performed free heart surgery on an Iraqi girl. Said Bush, “And the contrast couldn’t be more vivid. We got people in Iraq who murder the innocent to achieve their political objectives -- and we’ve got Americans, who heal the broken hearts of little Iraqi girls.” And other Americans, who turn those actions into self-congratulatory photo ops.

Last year some Nicaraguan banana plantation workers successfully sued Dole for using chemicals that made them sterile. Well, last week a superior court judge overturned the verdict and greatly reduced the damages award, citing the fact that the damages happened, you know, a long time ago, and saying that punitive damages shouldn’t be awarded against “a domestic corporation for injuries that occurred only in a foreign country”. Of course they were suing in American courts in the first place because when other workers sued in Nicaraguan courts and were awarded damages, Dole simply refused to pay up. This ruling will affect other pending cases. Dole’s lawyer Rick McKnight says, “These cases will dry up, and they should,” adding, “Hey, you know what else dried up? The sperm of our Central American plantation workers.” I may have made up that last bit.

Bush and Tusk

This morning, Bush met with Poland’s Prime Minister Donald Tusk. This is Prime Minister Tusk.



He thanked Prime Minister Tusk (yes, I’m quite enjoying writing “Prime Minister Tusk” over and over): “I also thank you to help the young democracy in Afghanistan survive and thrive and flourish. And some day, Mr. Prime Minister, people are going to say Afghanistan did exactly the same thing that happened in Poland -- people realized the blessings of liberty, and out of those blessings flow peace.” Poland, Afghanistan, really exactly alike when you think about it, if you squint really hard and hit yourself on the head with a mallet.



WHAT IS IMPORTANT: “It’s important for our allies to -- when they are worried about the modernization of their forces that friends respond, and we’re responding.” Responding with gibberish, evidently, but at least we’re responding, and that’s the important thing.

He and Prime Minister Tusk discussed “the significant threat to the 21st century, or perhaps the most significant is the launch of a missile with dangerous materials in its warhead.” As opposed to a missile with borscht in its warhead.

THESE SUCH TYPES: “Technologies are developing that will enable the free world to be able to defend itself from blackmail and/or strife from these such types of launches.” So we’re developing an anti-blackmail and/or strife defense system (ABSDS).



Next week, Cheney will begin a trip to the Middle East, to visit his oil. According to Bush, “His goal is to reassure people...” Cheney? “...that the United States is committed to a vision of peace...” Cheney?? “...in the Middle East, that we expect relevant parties to obligate themselves -- uphold their obligations on the road map.” He added, “The Vice President will be taking a very hopeful message...” CHENEY??!? “...to the Middle East that progress in Iraq is necessary for peace in the Middle East.” That’s a very hopeful message? That progress in Iraq is necessary for peace in the Middle East? Isn’t that more like a “boy are you guys fucked” message?



Speaking of the road map that we expect relevant parties to obligate themselves – uphold their obligations on, “the Secretary of State is dispatching the general that we named to be the coordinator of road map activities to the Middle East, for him to conduct meetings with the relevant parties.” No reporter asked Legacy Boy if he could remember the name of that general.



I’m sure some of you find the Middle East to be a complex and baffling place. Fortunately, George Bush is here to simplify it for you: “There are three major forces that are -- we’re now witnessing in the Middle East. Two of those forces adhere to peace: Israel and the forces of President Abbas. And then there’s one force in the Middle East, and some suspect that they’re funded from outside governments and outside movements, all aiming to destabilize democracy; all aiming to prevent the vision where people can live side by side in peace; all wanting to destroy Israel.” See, isn’t that simple and easy to understand? Wait, who are the forces that adhere to peace again?

Bully

McCain has a new ad comparing himself to Churchill and Teddy Roosevelt.



But what was TR referring to when he said, “Surely there never was a fight better worth making than the one which we are in”?

Josh Narins discovers that it is the fight of the Bull Moose (Progressive) Party in 1912 against “this invisible government... the unholy alliance between corrupt business and corrupt politics”. Possibly not the fight McCain had in mind.

Trained

The Italian Supreme Court, which as far as this blog is concerned rules only on matters relating to sex, has ruled that it is okay to lie to the police about your adulterous affairs.

In his weekly radio address, Bush justified vetoing the intelligence authorization bill, which would have banned waterboarding and other forms of torture, confining the CIA to those forms of violent interrogation set out in the Army Field Manual. He calls the things the CIA does to people’s bodies “specialized interrogation procedures” (as opposed to general ones), which he assures us are “safe and lawful techniques.” The English language is being tortured to breaking point here. Safe torture. Lawful torture (what law? he does not say). Even “techniques” is pretty creepy when you think about it.

He says the Army Field Manual methods are not sufficient because they are “designed for use by soldiers questioning lawful combatants captured on the battlefield. They were not intended for intelligence professionals trained to question hardened terrorists.” Really, it’s all about the training. On both sides: “Shortly after 9/11, we learned that key al Qaida operatives had been trained to resist the methods outlined in the manual.” So, it’s okay for trained intelligence professionals to torture trained professional terrorists, as long as everyone’s had the right training.

Hillary the monster

Obama aide Samantha Power has been fired for saying that Hillary Clinton is a “monster.”

Of course Hillary is not a monster....

But if she were a monster,

more at twiigs.com...

You may vote for another form of monster, or explain your answer, in comments.

I call them evil

Today, Bush met with the last surviving American veteran of World War I, 107-year old Frank Woodruff Buckles,


and visited the Dept of Heimat Security to, um, celebrate its 5th anniversary with its head, 107-year old Michael Chertoff.


Doesn’t “Bush and Buckles” sound like an old vaudeville act? Anyway, Bush learned a great deal from Corp. Buckles. For example, did you know that before World War II, there was this whole other war?

“I asked him where he lived, and he said, that reminds me of what General Pershing asked me.” Holy shit, you know?

I wrote that line about um, celebrating the anniversary before reading his actual remarks: “I’m really pleased to join you on the fifth anniversary of the creation of the department of Homeland Security. Man, does time fly. (Laughter.)” People named Mohammed, not so much.

VERB TENSES – NOT THAT I NEED TO TELL YOU PEOPLE THIS – ARE NOT HIS FRIEND: “I don’t think we would have predicted that five years later there had not been another attack on us.”

However, this DHS employee couldn’t even stop an attack by President Inappropriate Touching.


LIFT AND SEPARATE: “[On 9/11] we found that oceans which separate us from separate -- different continents no longer separate us from danger.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “We saw the cruelty of the terrorists and extremists, and we glimpsed the future they intend for us. In other words, there’s some serious lessons on September the 11th that it’s important for all Americans to remember.”

FOR SOME PEOPLE – AND I’M NOT NAMING ANY NAMES HERE – ANY THOUGHT AT ALL IS INCONVENIENT: “At this moment, somewhere in the world, a terrorist is planning an attack on us. I know that’s inconvenient thought for some, but it is the truth.”

WHY HE CALLS THEM EVIL: “We’re in a battle with evil men -- I call them evil because if you murder the innocent to achieve a political objective, you’re evil.” Yes, but do they have devil horns? Do they?


IS SOMEONE FEELING UNAPPRECIATED? “And perhaps, on this fifth anniversary, the message will get through that there’s a lot of dedicated, decent, honorable folks working their hearts out to protect the country.”

NOT THE PORN, PLEASE LORD NOT THE PORN! “Our enemies understand that America’s economy relies on uninterrupted use of the Internet -- and that a devastating attack in cyberspace would be a massive blow to our economy and way of life.”

BUT NO PORN FOR AL QAIDA EITHER: “Our strategy is to deny the terrorists safe haven anywhere in the world -- and that includes a virtual safe haven on the Internet.”

A FREE SOCIETY DOES WHAT? WHAT DOES A FREE SOCIETY DO? WHY WON’T YOU TELL US? “Even all these steps -- with even all these steps, we know that a free society -- there’s no such thing as perfect security.”


Two sentences later: “To attack us, the terrorists only have to be right once; to stop them, we need to be right 100 percent of the time.” Dude, you can’t even form a coherent sentence, and we’re supposed to trust you to be “right” 100% of the time? And by the way, the terrorists don’t have to be “right,” they need to succeed; that’s one of those statements that sounds good without completely making sense.

MAYBE HE MEANT COMPACT ASSISTANTS: “We’ve helped establish mutual aid agreements within states, and strengthened the Emergency Management Assistant [sic] Compact among states”.

Baked potato with sour cream and bacon bits?

Genital-Related Political Rhetoric of the Day: The British LibDem leadership decided that the party’s MPs would abstain from a vote on holding a referendum in Britain on the Lisbon Treaty (which reorganizes the EU executive in a sensible way, but as such affects national sovereignty and therefore in this blog’s opinion does require a vote of the people), even after new leader Nick Clegg (whose name I would find silly if it belonged to a fictional private detective, a tough loner who always wears a trench coat even though he lives in L.A. for God’s sake, but which I simply adore when it is attached to a British MP, particularly a leader of the Liberal Democrats) said that supporters of the EU lacked the “cojones” to hold such a referendum. In the parliamentary debate yesterday, William Hague, of all people, said of the LibDems, “This might explain why their interventions have become ever more shrill. They have become separated from their cojones. These unfortunate objects are now to be found, impaled on a distant fence.”

The prime minister of Finland, Matti Vanhanen, failed to win a lawsuit against his former mistress, who published a book which revealed that he liked to take a sauna before sex and eat beef and potatoes after it. Romance, Finnish style: “Once, when he kissed me, he said that I tasted better than baked potato.” He met her on an internet dating site, and dumped her by text message.

In reproduction news, India will reward parents who do not kill their infant daughters, and Turkmenistan will pay about $250 to women who bear eight or more children, as well as free rides on public transportation and dental care.

Bush endorses McCain: Determination to defeat an enemy, and a heart big enough to love those who hurt

Bush endorsed McCain today. While waiting for McCain to show up, he did a little dance for the press corps. Seriously, he did a little dance.


As the London Times put it, “He shuffled his feet, then did a little jig. ‘I’m just going to tap dance a little,’ the leader of the free world explained.” I can’t find video I can embed, but click here if you’re using Internet Explorer, or here to use an external media player (short ad first, sorry).


I’m struck by how little he allowed McCain to speak, how he meandered and filibustered and made the event all about him.


Which might explain why, when discussing how Bush might campaign for him in the future, McCain said it would depend on Bush’s busy schedule, using the words busy schedule or heavy schedule no fewer than five times.


Bush seemed a little confused about what job McCain currently holds: “He’s a President, and he’s going to be the President who will bring determination to defeat an enemy, and a heart big enough to love those who hurt.” Or possibly vice versa. Indeed, Bush seemed a little confused about whether McCain was a human being or some sort of inanimate object: “It’s a man who cares a lot about the less fortunate among us.”

The faces of your Republican Party. The hideous, hideous faces.

WHAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE EXPECT: “Let me start off by saying that in 2000 I said, vote for me, I’m an agent of change. In 2004, I said, I’m not interested in change -- I want to continue as President. Every candidate has got to say ‘change.’ That’s what the American people expect.”

I met some of the wind boys

This morning, Bush spoke at the Washington International Renewable Energy Conference.

He began, “I probably didn’t help today when I rode over in a 20-car motorcade,” totally preempting the joke I was going to make.

WHICH IS WHY WE WATER THEM EVERY DAY. “we want people who are living in poverty to be able to grow out of poverty”

THEY, WE... STOOPID PRONOUNS. “I’ve come today to tell you that America is the kind of country that when they see a problem, we address it head-on.”

IN OTHER WORDS WHOSE SUBJECT AND OBJECT ARE NOT IN AGREEMENT: “In other words, the two most vulnerable areas to economic disruption happens to be automobile use and electric power.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “We’re providing tax incentives to people to buy these fuel-efficient vehicles. In other words, the government is saying if you buy one, we’ll give you a little incentive to do so.”

ER... “I met some of the wind boys.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words -- I hope you’re excited by these statistics; I certainly am.”

IMAGINE: “If you really think about what would have been said in 2000 compared to today, imagine what’s going to be said 10 years from now compared to today.”

But who would want to?

A very strong effort to spare innocent life

Condi on the Vanity Fair article: “I can’t comment on an article that I have not read.”

And yesterday in Ramallah, Condi suggested to Israel, “There should really be a very strong effort to spare innocent life.” Meanwhile, Israeli troops shot dead a one-month old baby girl. So we’ll take that as a no.

Show us what a state looks like

Today Bush met with King Abdullah of Jordan.

WHAT WE APPRECIATE: “We appreciate the heart when it comes to people -- your heart when it comes to people who suffer.”


IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, there is a -- people say, well, you always set -- you’re hesitant to set timetables. But there happens to be a timetable as far as I’m concerned, and that is, I’m leaving office.”

WHAT A LOT OF PALESTINIANS ARE SAYING: “But a lot of Palestinians are probably -- are saying, we’ve heard this kind of rhetoric before -- show us what a state looks like.”


MOVED... FLED IN FEAR FOR THEIR LIVES... WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE, EXCEPT ONE INVOLVES MORE BUBBLE WRAP? “there are roughly three-quarters of a million Iraqi citizens who have moved to Jordan.”

And that geographic fact is not going to change

Condi Rice talked to reporters yesterday before heading to the Middle East, I guess before the release of the Vanity Fair article about how she & the Bushies pushed Abbas to overturn the Hamas election victory two years ago, which I thought we already knew. Anyway, Condi is pushing the rather odd claim that Hamas is “trying to arrest progress toward a Palestinian state. And everybody should be very clear that that’s what Hamas is trying to do. ... those who sit outside the consensus, like Hamas, are going to have a lot of questions to answer about why they don’t want the Palestinians to have a viable Palestinian state.” Someone be sure to ask them those questions, if you can hear the answers over the sound of Israeli air strikes.

Doing that completely-un-self-aware thing the Bushies are so good at, she said, “Well, the only thing that Hamas can lay claim to is fomenting instability and violence.”

Asked if Russia’s presidential elections were free and fair, she said simply (and not at all evasively), “I would say that Russia now has a new president.”

Asked about Iran President Ahmadinejad’s visit to Iraq, she explained, “Iran is a neighbor; that’s a geographic fact. And that geographic fact is not going to change.” Just in case you thought that geographic fact might change, now you know. It won’t.

Snatching defeat

In all of Bush’s hectoring demands for retroactive immunity for the telecoms for illegal wiretapping, what I’ve most enjoyed is Bush, who is not known for his mastery of verb tenses, being forced to employ the conditional. Today, for example, he spoke thusly to the National Association of Attorneys General (NAAG!): “If any of the companies believed to have helped us -- I’m just going to tell you, they were told it was legal by the government.” “Now the question is, should these lawsuits be allowed to proceed, or should any company that may have helped save American lives be thanked for performing a patriotic service; should those who stepped forward to say we’re going to help defend America have to go to the courthouse to defend themselves, or should the Congress and the President say thank you for doing your patriotic duty? I believe we ought to say thank you.” And you know what’s always a nice thank you present? Immunity for breaking the law.

By the way, have you thanked your telephone and internet providers yet?

Don’t you think you should?

Me neither.

Later, there was some sort of ceremony with Gen. Odierno. Bush told
him, “And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq.” Of course, then the defeat was all covered with the saliva of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq, which is kind of gross.

A clear distinction

White House spokesmodel Gordon D. Johndroe, defending Israeli air strikes on Gaza: “There is a clear distinction between terrorist rocket attacks that target civilians and action in self-defense.” See, it’s okay to kill civilians so long as you don’t target civilians.

Meaningful

In Crawford, Bush met with Danish Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen of Denmark and held a press conference.

Bush assured us that the meeting was meaningful: “Pretty good guests when you can have a meaningful mountain bike ride at sunset, and then at sunrise, and the man not even break into a sweat.”


THAT’LL HAPPEN WHEN YOU GET A BAD PIECE OF HERRING: “And I congratulate you, Mr. Prime Minister, for having a vision.”


A VISION AND A HAMBURGER: “And I’m now looking forward to giving the man a hamburger after answering a couple of questions.” Then George will ask him the question he was born to ask: “Would you like fries with that?”


Iranian President Ahmadinejad is visiting Iraq, and Bush has some helpful advice to the Iraqis about what to say to him: “And the message needs to be, quit sending in sophisticated equipment that’s killing our citizens...” Quit it! “...and that the message will be that we’re negotiating a long-term security agreement with the United States precisely because we want enough breathing space for our democracy to develop.” He makes it sound like a training bra.


IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, Secretary Gates made -- said, look, if we’re going to fight as an alliance, let’s fight as an alliance.”


And then the two walked away, gazing deeply into each other’s eyes, right into a patch of cactus. Some people might consider that a metaphor of some sort.