Pansy-gate update

Well, Hillary hasn’t rejected and denounced Gov. Easley yet for the “pansy” remark yet, but the Human Rights Campaign has made this statement: “We certainly wish the governor would have chosen his words better and have expressed our disappointment to his staff.” I’ll bet they did, I’ll bet they did.

I firmly believe that if you have low expectations, you’ll achieve them

The US has moved a second aircraft carrier, the USS Abraham Lincoln, into the Persian Gulf. Secretary of War Robert Gates says the move “could be seen... as a reminder.” Oh good.

Today Bush met at the White House with the national teacher of the year, Mike Geisen of Prineville, Oregon, and the state teachers of the year. Mr. Geisen provides us that great rarity, a picture in which George Bush is not the goofiest-looking individual.


CERTAINLY NOT HIS ENGLISH TEACHER: “You know, I like to tell people that -- you know, one of the interesting questions you get in my line of work is ‘Can you name a teacher who had influenced you?’ I said, ‘Yes, my wife.’” Dude, at an event for teachers, you’re really not supposed to imply that none of your teachers ever influenced you. Although I’m sure all his teachers went into hiding long ago out of sheer shame.

SPECIAL: “And really the best teachers have a special intuition -- and I suspect a little potential -- the ability to see potential and the ability to have the patience necessary to watch it grow.”

STILL CALLS: “It basically -- if you really think about the [No Child Left Behind] Act, it, one, refuses to, what I used to call -- still call -- refuses to accept the soft bigotry of low expectations. I firmly believe....” STRAIGHT LINE ALERT! STRAIGHT LINE ALERT! “...that if you have low expectations, you’ll achieve them.”

WHAT A TEACHER OUT TO WELCOME: “I also believe that if you’re a teacher that you ought to welcome a law that says we trust you in your ability to set high expectations.”

HE JUST COULDN’T REFRAIN FROM BRINGING RELIGION INTO THE CLASSROOM, COULD HE? “And I ask God’s blessings on your work and the work of teachers all across America.”

Pansy-gate

He turned on, he tuned in, and he has finally dropped out: Albert Hofmann, the Swiss chemist who invented LSD, and experienced the first “bad trip,” in 1943, has died at the age of 102. That’s 873 in freak-out years.

On McNeil-Lehrer, I saw the governor of North Carolina, Mike Easley, introduce Hillary Clinton, saying “this lady...” (I think he almost said “this little lady”) “...right here makes Rocky Balboa look like a pansy.” But did she reject and denounce Easley for using an epithet offensive to members of the Pansy-American community? She did not. Will anyone in the media ask her about his Archie Bunkerism? They will not.

(I am only able to grab that moral high ground so beloved of bloggers because I decided yesterday not to make a joke about Obama and Rev. Wright only fighting because the make-up sex is so good.)

Before I get myself into any more trouble: baby rhino blogging! Yay!

Who are the true lesbians?

Two Lesbians (residents of the island of Lesbos) are suing a Greek gay and lesbian (women who do naughty things with other women) group to make them stop using the word lesbian. We are the true Lesbians, they say. Of course lesbian Lesbians are the lesbianist Lesbians of them all.

Completing acts of love and compassion

In the afternoon, Bush met with various volunteers for National Volunteer Week.

DUDE, THEY’RE IN WITNESS PROTECTION: “Those of you today who perform acts of kindness do so out of love, and you do so out of a desire not to be recognized -- but anyway, you’re going to be recognized.”

“The spirit of charity that is celebrated here has been a part of our character, our nation’s character, ever since before we were an independent nation. In 1736, for example, Benjamin Franklin organized the citizens of Philadelphia to form a volunteer fire company. Isn’t that interesting?” A volunteer fire company is not a charity.

WHAT YOU CAN UNDERSTAND: “You can understand how volunteering can transform the souls, both who give and those they help.”


WELL, THAT JUST SOUNDS KINKY: “I believe it is in government’s interest to empower those neighborhood healers and helpers, social entrepreneurs, to be able to complete their acts of love and compassion.” REALLY KINKY.

EVIDENTLY GOVERNMENT ISN’T LOVE (WHAT, NOT EVEN THE DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE?): “Government is love -- government is justice and law, it’s not love.”

OBAMA REFERENCE? CANNIBAL REFERENCE? YOU BE THE JUDGE: “Laura and I met with Peace Corps volunteers in Ghana recently, and they are some kind of fired up.”

Bush press conference: We’re not going to become more beholden on your oil

What I dislike about courts lately is their lack of specificity. Last week a NY judge ruled that it was not unreasonable for cops to shoot Sean Bell 50 times, but he did not say precisely how many times they would have to have shot him to cross that threshold (one of the cops stopped to reload, for fuck’s sake). Yesterday the Supreme Court ruled that Indiana’s voter i.d. requirements were not unduly burdensome, without saying just how large a fee could be required for an i.d., how much time it could take to, or how far one might have to travel (in a state many of whose counties have no public transportation whatsoever) to acquire one, before it would actually be unduly burdensome.

This morning, Bush held a press conference. He opened with the usual petulant statement about how he’d love to do all sorts of great things for the American people (especially drilling for oil in Alaska, building new refineries and nuclear power plants), but Congress is “blocking” them. He must have used the words blocked/blocking 83 times. He said, “I believe that they’re letting the American people down, is what I believe.”

Ah’m gonna hold mah breath until ah get mah nookyooler power plants.

He said, “Americans are concerned about making their mortgage payments and keeping their homes. And I don’t blame them.” That’s darned generous of you, George.

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, we’re helping.”

I WON’T SAY THE WORD “RECESSION” AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME, YOU CAN’T MAKE ME, YOU CAN’T MAKE ME,: “You know, the words on how to define the economy don’t reflect the anxiety the American people feel.” Unless you define it with the words “AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!”


WHAT THE AVERAGE PERSON DOESN’T CARE ABOUT: “The average person doesn’t really care what we call it; the average person wants to know whether or not we know that they’re paying higher gasoline prices and they’re worried about staying in their homes.” He added that he does, in fact, know that they’re paying higher gasoline prices are worried about staying in their homes, so I guess that’s the important thing, as far as the average person is concerned. Problem sorted.

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, scarcity is of concern to us.”

A FANCY WORD FOR SAYING: “And matter of fact, the solution to the issue of corn-fed ethanol is cellulosic ethanol, which is a fancy word for saying we’re going to make ethanol out of switchgrasses or wood chips.” Corn-fed ethanol?

WHAT GEORGE LIKES: “I like a friendly guy in the Rose Garden.”


WHAT GEORGE IS PLEASED WITH: “I’m pleased with the Afghan army that when they’re in the fight they’re good.”

WHAT WE ARE IN: “We are in a global struggle against thugs and killers.”

WHAT THESE AREN’T: “These aren’t isolated law enforcement moments.”

ABUNDANTLY CLEAR: On his refusal until this week to say anything about the Syrian whatever-it-was the Israelis bombed last September: “We also wanted to advance certain policy objectives through the disclosures. And one would be to the North Koreans to make it abundantly clear that, ‘We may know more about you than you think’”.

NO FUCKING KIDDING: “And so I’m perplexed, is the best way to describe it”.


MORE BEHOLDEN ON YOUR OIL: “And so part of this is to set the psychology right that says to the world, ‘We’re not going to become more beholden on your oil, we’re going to open up and be aggressive and have an aggressive energy policy.’”

In the Middle East, he wants a “two-party state solution.” Would not say whether or not Jimmy Carter had been ordered not to talk with Hamas. You might think an argument like that between a former president and his secretary of state would be something he might have looked into, but then you might also have thought that even if he didn’t support Carter’s mission, he would have said something when Israel refused to provide security.

WHAT YOU’VE GOT TO ASK: “But you’ve got to ask, why is Hamas lobbing rockets?” Fortunately, he knows the answer: “And one reason why is because they’re trying to destabilize and create chaos and confusion.”

THE COLOMBIA: “And now the speaker pulled, you know, a unique maneuver to stop the Colombia from moving forward.”



Update: Reuters has put together this lovely combination picture:

Adjective rationing is now in force

This morning Bush met with Guatemalan President Alvaro Colom. And it was good: “We’ve had a good discussion about a variety of issues. ... want to achieve social justice through good health policy, good education policy, good judicial policy. The United States is pleased to help this government as best as we possibly can help the average citizen get a good education and have good health care.” CAFTA has increased trade. “And that’s good.” “And so we’ve had a good discussion”. For example: “And by the way, we talked about blueberries”.

But is it art?

Headline of the day: “Artists Catch Head Lice for Show.” The artists are Germans working in Israel (no mention what nationality the lice are), so naturally, “artists also stressed the show was not meant to be a reference to the Holocaust.” Rather, “He and his fellow artists said the exhibition offered the chance to explore the concept of the parasite and to ask whether the word could be ‘reclaimed’ in Israel.”

Wherein is revealed something that irritates me about George Bush

An assassination attempt was made on Harmid Karzai yesterday. They’re blaming the Taliban, but I think it was people pissed off at his support for banning imported soap operas.

California has taken another step towards creepy police statehood, with an expansion of the use of DNA. From 2009, DNA will be collected – and kept forever – from anyone who is arrested, even if they are not convicted, and it will be used to identify not only actual criminals but people who share some genetic markers with criminals (i.e., relatives).

You know what pisses me off about Bush, maybe more than anything else? Seven years of incompetence and failed policies haven’t wiped that smug smirk off his face. The man will go to his grave without ever grasping how godawful a job he’s done, with his monumental self-regard undented.

June 2008 California proposition recommendations

In the second of our three elections this year (June 3rd), we are faced with just two propositions, and they are evil twins.

Prop. 98. I’m not sure why the proponents of this measure have been allowed to present it as being primarily about eminent domain, since it seems to be more of a Trojan Horse plan to eliminate rent control and local requirements that developers provide low-cost housing, and for this reason alone 98 should be opposed. In fact, even people who oppose rent control should oppose this initiative, which infringes on the rights of communities to make these decisions for themselves.

98’s main eminent domain provision bans the seizure of property for non-governmental purposes, which is simply not a problem in California: there are legal safeguards in place now. My favorite bit in the pro-98 argument is that it would stop the seizure of homes, family farms... and places of worship. Has there been a wave of churches being compulsorily purchased by local governments, demolished, and turned into strip clubs by the cronies of city councilmembers, and I just haven’t heard about it?

I should point out that the anti-98 argument talks about “hidden provisions” that would gut environmental laws, but they must be quite well hidden: I read the fine print and couldn’t find them. However, some of 98’s wording seems awfully vague, and would no doubt keep lawyers busy for years to come. (Update: I’m informed that the provision banning laws which “transfer an economic benefit to one or more private persons at the expense of the private owner” are intended to allow judges to overturn environmental and land-use laws, on the theory that if I’m not allowed to build a casino, the economic benefit of not living next to a casino is transferred to my next-door neighbor. Sneaky.)

The pro side’s website has a rather wonderfully over-the-top radio ad in which one child explains to her brother that the city is throwing them out of their house to build a mall. “You mean we’re never gonna see our friends again?”

So vote No. Vote to throw those kids out of their house, because they seem kind of annoying and their friends probably don’t really like them anyway.

Prop. 99. Another eminent domain initiative, in a battle to the death. This one is much narrower, with no rent-control ban, and the only form of property it protects from being seized for private purposes through eminent domain is single-family houses – the wrecking ball can still come for those churches, I guess. This part of the measure seems harmless.

99 is also a Trojan Horse. The problem of family housing being seized and handed over to private developers is close to non-existent, and it is not the real reason Prop. 99 was put on the ballot. Instead, the important provision is the one that says that if both 98 and 99 passes and 99 has more votes, no part of 98 (i.e., the rent control ban) becomes law. Which is enough reason to vote Yes.

Neither of these initiatives should have been allowed onto the ballot. Initiatives are not supposed to include multiple issues unrelated to each other, which 98 does. And while initiatives can be written to cancel out provisions in another initiative on the same subject, 99 purports to be able to cancel out provisions in 98 on subjects (rent control, low-cost housing) which 99 does not address, which may not stand up in court.

Comments welcome.

(Update: the voters of California perspicaciously followed my advice. How often does that happen? 98 got only 39.1%, 99 got 62.4%)

There is no cure for it

An aristocrat who is the Tory party’s largest donor (and a tax exile, natch), was recently discovered to have flown prostitutes of both sexes (one of them described as a trilingual bisexual) to Monaco for sex parties. He has been admitted to a clinic for the treatment of sex addiction. His name: Lord Laidlaw. Somewhere, Humph is smiling. Lord Laidlaw issued a statement that included this sentence: “There is no cure for it, and self-help is rarely successful.”

Hillary and Jeanette

Earlier this month, Hillary Clinton was campaigning in Montana and made an ill-informed mention of Jeanette Rankin, who Montana elected as the first woman member of Congress in 1916. Hillary said it just goes to show that men really will vote for a woman, since women didn’t have the vote in 1916. Except that women had in fact won the vote in Montana in a referendum (of male voters, natch) two years before. This is not just a minor gaffe about Montanan history but a gap in Clinton’s knowledge which illuminates a few things about her.


First, Clinton is a female senator, and an aspirant to be the first female president, who evidently in all these years has never been curious enough about the first woman in Congress to learn more than a tiny bit about her. Hillary doesn’t really consider herself part of a feminist history, doesn’t recognize that she stands on the shoulders of those who came before. She thinks she got where she is entirely by her own efforts.

Clinton evidently thinks, wrongly, that women in the US received the vote in one fell swoop with the ratification of the 19th Amendment in 1920. In the same way as she remarked that while the civil rights movement may have organized and agitated, the real victories for African-Americans only came when Lyndon Johnson decided to push for them, so the decades of hard struggle by women to achieve political rights, including state-by-state (and territory by territory) suffrage campaigns like the one that Rankin helped lead to victory in Montana but many more which did not succeed, are completely disregarded and unacknowledged by Hillary, if she even knows about them. She does not understand how much organized, grass-roots effort over many many years it really takes to effect any sort of change in this hide-bound country; the only lesson she really learned from the failure of her health-care plan in the 1990s was that she, Hillary Clinton, did not have enough power. Her comments last week (this week?) denigrating party activists suggest that, like Bush, who remarked that “We had an accountability moment, and that’s called the 2004 elections,” she too has an impoverished view of the day-to-day role of the citizenry in democratic governance. Not that Obama is much better in this regard: when he leads chants of YES WE CAN, he does not mean to empower his supporters to do anything beyond getting him into the White House and then dispersing to their respective homes to quietly await the flow of manna and all things good from his capable hands.

Considering that Rankin is also known for her principled pacifism, having cast one of the few votes against American entry into World War I – which was also her first vote in Congress, and therefore the first vote cast by a woman in Congress – and the only vote against war with Japan in 1941 (she only served two terms in Congress: she was not re-elected in 1918, though mostly for reasons other than her position on the war, and not elected again until 1940; crappy timing, really), had Hillary known more about her, she might never have brought up her name in the first place.

The last tube to Mornington Crescent

Sad news that will probably be meaningless to most of my American readers: Humphrey Lyttelton has died. Goodbye, Humph.

A great issue to advance is saving people’s lives

Today Bush visited the Northwest Boys and Girls Club in Hartford for Malaria Awareness Day. “I appreciate being here at the Boys and Girls Club here in Hartford. I really enjoyed being with the boys and girls of the Boys and Girls Club.”

INTERESTING: “Isn’t it interesting that -- there’s a call to love your neighbor like you’d like to be loved yourself, and that’s what you’re doing.”


IN HIS JUDGMENT: “And in my judgment, a great issue to advance is saving people’s lives.”

Laura couldn’t be there. “She’s getting ready to be the mother of the bride -- which I guess that means I’m getting ready to be the father of the bride.” At least, that’s what she tells him.

IN OTHER AWARE WORDS: “On this day, we remember those who died from malaria. In other words, an awareness day is one in which you recognize the consequences, in this case, of this disease.”


SOME PEOPLE ARE SELFISH PRICKS: “Some people say, well, what about our own people? And my answer is, we’re plenty rich to help our own and to help others.”

SOME PEOPLE ASK STUPID QUESTIONS: “Some people say, why call some -- an award a Dragonfly Award?” (Because dragonflies eat mosquitos, Some People.)

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, we’re focusing our attempt with a clear goal.”

Speaking of disease-bearing, blood-sucking insects, Bush went on to a fundraiser at the home of Henry Kissinger. CAPTION CONTEST:




Perspective:

My whole theory of life was we ought to be asking about results, not necessarily process

This morning, Bush held a White House Summit on Inner-City Children and Faith-Based Schools (or perhaps vice versa).

IN OTHER WORDS: “Over the past seven years we have worked to strengthen the public school system. In other words, we haven’t given up on public schools”. To do that, you’d have had to give a shit about them in the first place.


IN OTHER WORDS: “As a result of accountability measures, I can now say that 8th graders set a record high for math scores. In other words, in order to be able to say that, you have to measure in the first place.”

IMAGINE! “Can you imagine what it would -- what it’s like to be an immigrant coming to America, can’t hardly speak the language, and find great solace in two institutions -- one church and two schools?”

GEORGE’S WHOLE THEORY OF LIFE: “My whole theory of life was we ought to be asking about results, not necessarily process.” By “process,” he means that whole “separation of church and state” processy thing. “[I]t’s in the country’s interest to get beyond the debate of public/private, to recognize this is a critical national asset that provides a critical part of our nation’s fabric in making sure we’re a hopeful place.” He called for the 30+ states whose constitutions ban taxpayer support for religious schools to remove those provisions.

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, one way to address the closings of schools is to empower parents to be able to send their children to those schools before they close.”

THE NUN-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX: “Faith-based schools can continue to serve inner-city children requires a -- to see that that happens requires a commitment from the business community. It’s in corporate America’s interest that our children get a good education”.

BECAUSE GEORGE W. BUSH IS AAAAAAALLL ABOUT THE ACCOUNTABILITY: “You’ve got to be a little worried in our society when somebody says, I don’t think I want to measure. That’s like saying, I don’t want to be held to account.”


WHAT I’D CONSIDER YOURSELF: “I call it educational entrepreneurship -- so I’d consider yourself entrepreneurs, social entrepreneurs.”

WHAT HOPEFULLY OUT OF THIS MEETING: “Here are some ways -- I mean, these are levels of society that ought to all be involved, and hopefully out of this meeting, that there’s concrete action.”

All we want to do is be treated fairly

Today Bush talked to some small business owners about Small Business Week.

THEY ARE NOT REAL PEOPLE, THEY’RE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD. GET HELP ALREADY: “The truth of the matter is, every day ought to be Small Business Day in America, because -- (applause.) People say, why?”

WILLING TO DREAM HARD: “But the thing that struck me the most, besides the fact that people are willing to dream and work hard”.


IN OTHER WORDS: “First, you might suggest to members of Congress that they let you keep your money -- in other words, to keep taxes low.”

WHAT GEORGE LIKES TO SAY: “This is obviously a difficult time for the economy, and I like to say it’s a rough patch.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “We did take action. In other words, rather than just analyzing the situation, we saw this coming and moved swiftly with members of Congress from both parties, believe it or not -- actually got something done in a constructive way without feeling like they had to call each other names.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, it’s a temporary stimulus package aimed at dealing with the rough patch that we’ve entered into, but it’s got to be robust enough to matter.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “One of my concerns about tax policy is that it creates uncertainty. In other words, when you’re trying to figure out a five-year projection about your companies, you’ve got to be certain that the tax load that you now bear isn’t going to increase.”

WHAT A RESTAURANT GUY IN TEXAS OUGHT BE ABLE TO DO: “I strongly believe that Congress should allow small businesses to pool risk across jurisdictional boundaries -- those are long words -- like if you’re a restaurant guy in Texas, you ought be able to put your employees in the same risk pool as a restaurant person in Maryland.”


IN OTHER WORDS: “I also know it’s in our interest to say to the world, treat us the way we treat you. In other words, all we want to do is be treated fairly.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, the product that they -- selling is more expensive because of the tariffs.”

WHAT GEORGE LOVES: “I love it when people can say, I have a idea, and I am going to apply all my talent and all my effort to see the idea come to fruition.”

Also today, for your captioning pleasure, Bush met with Dr. Michael DeBakey (who is 99 years old).

America trusts in the abiding power of prayer

I knew reading Bush’s proclamation of a national day of prayer (May Day, of all days) would just irritate me. He insists on his right and ability to describe and/or prescribe our national religion: “America trusts in the abiding power of prayer and asks for the wisdom to discern God’s will in times of joy and of trial.” Really, is that what “America” trusts? And while he makes a nod to “Americans of many different faiths” (who believe that “God” listens to prayers), the “theme” of the national day of prayer is taken from Psalm 28:7, suggesting that not all of those many different faiths really, you know, count.

Speaking of trusting in the power of prayer, Afghanistan has banned soap operas as immoral.

Does it make sense for Mexico, Canada and the United States to meet?

Dick Cheney tells a joke: “one of your New York senators has recently taken to calling me ‘Darth Vader.’ (Laughter.) I didn’t take that personally. (Laughter.) I’ve been asking -- asked my wife Lynne if the nickname didn’t bother her, and she said, no. She said, ‘It humanizes you.’”

At the end of their little summit, Bush, Harper and Calderon (who at one point Bush referred to as “she”), held a press conference.

PEOPLE? WHAT PEOPLE? “One of the things -- people ask, well, does it make sense for Mexico, Canada and the United States to meet? Absolutely, it makes sense. We’re neighbors.”

AWWW. “So I’m not surprised we’ve had good meetings -- plus we like each other.”


MOVING PRODUCT WITHOUT A BUNCH OF GOVERNMENT REGULATIONS: “We’re working to make sure we reduce regulations and to add -- to make sure that our small businesses and farmers and producers are able to move product in a way without a bunch of government regulations in between.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, you’ve got different regulations in different countries that make it difficult to compete globally and cause our products to be more expensive than they should be.”


REALLY, WHAT PEOPLE? THEY’RE JUST VOICES IN YOUR CHIMP-LIKE HEAD, AREN’T THEY? “People say, well, are you really committed to global -- to reducing global warming? Absolutely.”

A PROCESS THAT DO A VARIETY OF THINGS ALL AIMING: “And we put a process in place that do a variety of things, all aiming to make sure that our neighbors and our neighborhood isn’t scourged by these thugs who use guns out of the United States to hold their people hostage, hold the country hostage.”

IN OTHER WORDS FROM THE MBA PRESIDENT: “In other words, the more choices consumers have, the more options they have, the less likely it is there will be price increases, and it’s better for your consumers.”


HIS BIGGEST CONCERN: “my biggest concern is to turn our back on our friends in Colombia.”

DON’T TAX THE SO-CALLED RICH! “And all the more reason for the United States Congress to keep the tax relief I passed permanent. We got people out there campaigning, ‘well, we’re just going to tax the rich.’ You can’t raise enough money to meet their spending appetites by taxing the so-called rich.”

SO THAT’S OKAY THEN: “First of all, I -- we’re not in a recession. We’re in a slowdown.”

Then they planted a tree for Earth Day.

“Why’m ah diggin’ when we got us a Messcin right here?”

Compare and Contrast

The Reuters caption to the picture below says “U.S. trip softens pope’s image, raises expectations.” How do you soften the pope’s image? Contrast.

Political calculus

After Hillary released another scare-tactic ad yesterday, Obama put out his own ad, which asks the question, “Who in times of challenge will unite us, not use fear and calculation to divide us?”

With words like “calculation” and “divide,” Obama is clearly playing on Americans’ fear of math in general and long division in particular. Have you no shame, sir, have you no shame?

Dance, Chimpy, dance!

Today Bush attended a NAFTA summit in New Orleans. First he met with Mexican President Calderon.


IN OTHER WORDS: “One, you inherited the high demand for drugs in the United States. In other words, people are using drugs, and therefore people are supplying drugs, and it’s caused difficult security problems in your country, and you’ve responded aggressively.”



Speaking of how people are using drugs, later in the day, Bush did one of his little dances again.





I don’t have video yet, but here’s a place-holder.

Condirony

From an AP story on a surprise visit by Condi Rice to Iraq:

Quote 1:

“I know he’s sitting in Iran,” Rice said dismissively, when asked about al-Sadr’s latest threat to lift a self-imposed cease-fire with government and U.S. forces. “I guess it’s all-out war for anybody but him,” Rice said. “I guess that’s the message; his followers can go to their deaths and he’s in Iran.”

Quote 2:

Rice’s brief heavily guarded visit was not announced in advance in keeping with security precautions adopted by all top U.S. officials

Secretary of State Rice bravely risks mustache burn from Iraqi President Talabani

Bush, Lee and “some good American beef,” if you know what I mean

Headline of the day (BBC), and a second award for Mad Scientists of the Day: “Flies Get ‘Mind-control Sex Swap.’”

New South Korean President Lee Myung-Bak is meeting with Bush at Camp David this weekend.


Once again, he engages in diplomatic artery-clogging: “As a matter of fact, we had some good American beef last night for dinner.”


INTERNATIONAL CLIMATE: “And then finally we talked about our mutual desire to have a rational, practical approach to international climate, the international climate issue, global warming. How can you possibly have an international agreement that’s effective unless countries like China and India are not [sic] full participants.” How indeed?


SHORTEST “IN OTHER WORDS” EVER: “Look, we’re going to make a judgment as to whether North Korea has met its obligations to account for its nuclear program and activities, as well as meet its obligations to disable its reactor. In other words, we’ll see.”


THE AMAZING, DEATH-DEFYING, TRIPLE “WHETHER OR NOT”: “And so we’ll wait and see what he says, and then we’ll make a decision about our obligations, depending upon whether or not we’re convinced that there is a solid and full declaration, and whether or not there’s a way to verify whether or not he’s going to do what he says he’s going to do.”


As always, you can offer captions for any of the photos, but do try to refrain from Asian driver jokes.

Focused on helping the hungry and diseased in strange parts of the world

The McCain McCampaign’s latest email features a quote from a Hamas official praising Obama. McCain’s deputy campaign manager Christian Ferry (!) writes, “We need change in America, but not the kind of change that wins kind words from Hamas, surrenders in Iraq and will hold unconditional talks with Iranian President Ahmadinejad.”

Speaking of Christian ferries, Bush spoke this morning to the National Catholic Prayer Breakfast, with the pope in attendance, because the pope never misses free waffles. “And I want to thank Bishop Finn, members of the clergy. Thank you for serving our country. Thank you for being men of faith.” Er, you’re welcome?


Speaking of men of faith, Chief Justice John Roberts was there, just two days after issuing the decision upholding lethal injection. Possibly the pope had some words for him (and the other four Catholic justices who voted with him). Or possibly not.

Bush praised Pope Benny yet again: “He understands that every person has value, or to use his words, ‘each of us is willed, each of us is loved, [and] each of us is necessary.’” Of course the pope probably said that before meeting Bush.


THOSE “PEOPLE” TALK TO GEORGE AGAIN: “Oftentimes people ask me, why is it that you’re so focused on helping the hungry and diseased in strange parts of the world?”

WONDERS GEORGE HAS SEEN: “During these -- as President I’ve seen some of the great wonders of compassion as a result of our Catholic citizens.” “I’ve seen these wonders of Catholic love on the Gulf Coast.” “I’ve seen wonders on the Sea of Galilee”. “I’ve seen these wonders in Africa”. Also Wonder Bread. And Wonderbras, I hasten to add before someone puts it in comments.


Later in the day he spoke at America’s Small Business Summit (is it the summit or the business that is small? Who knows?)

Just as he thanked the Catholic clergy for being men of faith, so he thanked the small business summiteers “for being dreamers and doers.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “And so, thanks to the stimulus package, she told me she’s going to purchase much of that equipment this year, instead of spacing it out over time. In other words, the incentives have encouraged Darlene to make a purchase this year.”

WHAT DARLENE HAD, TWICE: “She also had a pretty good achievement at -- and she received another good achievement, I understand.”

ONE THING CONGRESS HAS GOT TO UNDERSTAND / WHAT SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS DON’T NEED: “And one way that -- I mean, one thing Congress has got to understand is that there is -- what small business owners don’t need is uncertainty.”

HE’S CONFIDENT IN OUR FORGETFULNESS: “I’m also confident a lot of people in America may have forgotten what it was like before the tax relief.”


IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, there’s an opportunity for Congress to say, let’s continue to have this kind of economic vitality as a result of exports permeate throughout our economy.” Those are other words, all right.

WHAT CONGRESS IS SIGNALING TO A WATCHING HEMISPHERE: On the failure to vote on the Colombian free-trade treaty: “Congress is signaling to a watching hemisphere -- people in the hemisphere, our own neighborhood, are watching to see how the United States Congress reacts to our friends.”

WHAT WE WANT PEOPLE OWNING: “We want people owning their home -- we want people owning a businesses [sic]”.

WHAT ALL HAPPENS LIKE AT A KITCHEN TABLE: “I love meeting with our entrepreneurs and I love hearing the stories about how businesses get started. And a lot of times, believe it or not, there is -- as I’m sure you know, that they all happen like at a kitchen table. And sure enough, out of that simple idea and hard work -- because I understand as well as anybody how hard it is to build a small business...” having destroyed several of them “...and it’s not -- it takes a lot of time and a lot of effort and a lot of focus and patient spouses, and sometimes spouses actually watching the money to make sure the other spouse doesn’t blow it.” Or snort it, in your case.


WHAT THE ROLE OF GOVERNMENT IS TO NEVER DO: “And our -- the role of government is to never stifle that spirit, is to encourage the spirit, reward the spirit, and always pay -- and always remind our citizens that we are a vibrant and prosperous and hopeful nation, because we are a land blessed with vibrant and hopeful people.”

Bush, Brown and a “nice hamburger”

Today Bush met with British Prime Minister Gordon Brown for what one of them – I’ll let you guess which one – described as “a fabulous conversation.”


How fabulous? “We spent time talking about the terrorists and extremists.”

HE WANTS TO APPRECIATE: “I want to appreciate the sacrifice of the British troops, their families and the British people.”

FIRED UNDER COURAGE: “Most thankful for the brilliance of the British helicopter crews that fired under courage and helped evacuate wounded Iraqi soldiers.”

THE MEASURE OF SUCCESS IS SUCCESS: “And so, so long as I’m the President, my measure of success is victory and success.”


IRONY ALERT! IRONY ALERT! HEAVY IRONY AHEAD! “We talked about Zimbabwe. And I appreciate Gordon Brown’s strong position on that issue. And I appreciate the fact that he went to the United Nations and made it abundantly clear that which I feel, as well, which is, you can’t have elections unless you’re willing to put the results out. What kind of election is it if you not let the will of the people be known?” Floridian?

Asked if the relationship between his ass and Brown’s lips wasn’t as close as the relationship between his ass and Tony Blair’s lips, Bush said, “We got a great relationship. ... Look, if there wasn’t a personal relationship I wouldn’t be inviting the man to a nice hamburger.” A “nice hamburger”? Metaphor? Euphemism? You be the judge.

Baze v. Rees: preserving the “dignity” of executions

The Supreme Court has ensured a steep rise in the number of executions by ruling yesterday in Baze v. Rees that lethal injection, as practiced in Kentucky, isn’t unconstitutional just because it causes pain (as well as, you know, death). Roberts wrote that since any method of execution probably involves pain, and since the death penalty is constitutional, inflicting pain must be constitutional. He would not even say that “severe pain” is unconstitutional, unless a “readily implemented” alternative existed that greatly reduces that pain. In other words,

1) Roberts and the Court won’t let a little thing like severe pain get in the way of the machinery of death. It’s a matter of priorities, people.

2) Indeed, as the phrase “readily implemented” shows, if it’s a choice between inflicting severe pain on a prisoner and putting the state to some inconvenience, they’ll go with the former. Close enough for government work, as they say in the execution biz.

3) Prisoners objecting to a particular method of execution will be put in the grotesque position of being required to propose a method for the state to put them to death that they’d like better.

Roberts wrote that the risk of a screw-up in the administration of the drugs which results in severe pain or suffocation is not “objectively intolerable,” which is surely an oxymoron, but anyway, Roberts finds, this infliction of pain is in fact “widely tolerated,” so that’s okay then.

Speaking of tolerating pain, Clarence Thomas (joined by Scalia) adds that inflicting pain only violates the 8th Amendment if it is done just in order to inflict pain, as opposed to being incidental to execution. It’s the intent that matters, not the actual, you know, pain.

The petitioner asked for the paralyzing agent pancuronium bromide to be omitted from the execution procedure, since it serves no purpose beneficial to the prisoner but may disguise signs of pain. Roberts approvingly cited the lower court’s finding that it did serve the purpose of preventing seizures in the unconscious prisoner, “thereby preserving the procedure’s dignity”. Gotta preserve that.

We can always find the work of the Almighty in our state

This morning at the White House Bush met with children who had been awarded the President’s Environmental Youth Awards. They flew in from all over the country...

Bush explained conservation to them: “One way to dedicate ourselves to conservation is to take that which is already in existence and make it better.”

And he made with the God talk, which is especially annoying when he does it in front of children: “I appreciate the fact that you know that we live in a country of unbelievable splendor and beauty, and no matter which state we call home, we can always find the work of the Almighty in our state.” Except Alabama, of course.

Democratic debate: The bitter, bitter debate

Transcript.

One more debate after we were promised we were done with debates. I don’t know about the poor people in Pennsylvania, but I’m sure feeling bitter right about now.

Hillary notes that they are debating in Philadelphia where the founding documents of America were written – the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the recipe for cream cheese. But “Neither of us were included in those original documents.” However, John McCain was included in those original documents. By name.

Neither of them will commit to a “Dream Ticket.”


Obama is bitter about having to explain again why he said people are bitter. Although the word he is using now for voters’ feelings is “frustration.”

Hillary defended people clinging to religion and “their traditions, like hunting and guns”.

Speaking of clinging to religion, they then talked interminably about Rev. Wright yet again. Little George Stephanopoulos asked Obama a couple of times if Wright is as patriotic as he is. Hillary said the whole Wright thing “deserves further exploration.” Oh yes, we so needed to have another debate.

Then it’s another re-airing of the Bosnia story. Hillary says she’s embarrassed about, you know, lying, but that it was “a very dangerous area” and the American soldiers in Bosnia “were totally in battle gear.”


Then someone on tape asks Obama why he doesn’t wear a flag pin: “I want to know if you believe in the American flag.” Charlie Gibson adds that not wearing one is a “major liability” for him (according to Clinton and McCain’s advisers). Then Little George asked about some English professor Obama has met who used to be in the Weather Underground. Hillary chimed in with some concern trolling, saying “this is an issue that certainly the Republicans will be raising.” Obama responded that Bill Clinton pardoned a couple of Weather Undergroundlings, so there.


Gibson asks both candidates how they can possibly withdraw from Iraq when Petraeus says they shouldn’t; “Are you essentially saying, ‘I know better than the military commanders here’?” Hillary pretends that the only problem in Iraq is that the Maliki government “will not accept responsibility for its own future” as long as the US is giving it a blank check. Obama reminds Gibson that the president is actually above Col. Combover in the chain of command. He says that the military has had a “bad mission” but has performed that bad mission “brilliantly.”

Would they extend the nuclear umbrella over Israel? Obama: an attack on Israel would be “unacceptable.” Hillary: let’s extend the “umbrella of deterrence” to the entire region! She would “begin diplomatic engagement” with Iran by not talking with its president, ever. “But I would have a diplomatic process that would engage him.”


Stephanopoulous: “Let me turn to the economy. That is the number one issue on Americans’ minds right now.” Which must be why he’s getting to it a full half an hour after the exhaustive discussion of the flag lapel pin issue.

I’m going to be hypocritical here and skip the boring economic stuff myself. They would both raise taxes on the rich, and maybe raise the capital gains tax, despite Charlie Gibson’s earnest but completely fallacious insistence that cutting the capital gains tax always increases revenue from it.

What will you do about high gas prices? Hillary: I’d investigate them.


Gibson: This has been “a fascinating debate.” Could not be more wrong.

Wherein is revealed a type of war George Bush actually doesn’t want

Pope Benny says the issue of rampant sexual abuse of children by Catholic clergy was “very badly handled.” You know what else was badly handled? Children’s genitals.

Silvio Berlusconi – and I can’t tell you how disgusted I am with the Italian electorate right now – made fun of Spain’s new prime minister Zapatero for appointing a cabinet with a female majority. He says he couldn’t do that because there just aren’t enough qualified women in Italian politics (although he’s considering giving a cabinet position to a former Miss Italy contestant and lingerie model, so I guess there are qualifications and then there are qualifications), and said, “Now he’s asked for it. He will have problems leading them.”

By the way, the new Spanish defense minister, Carme Chacón, is seven months’ pregnant. That’s oddly cool.

Remember last year when Iran seized 15 British sailors & marines supposedly inside Iraqi territorial waters? Well, according to the London Times, “The Britons were seized because the US-led coalition designated a sea boundary for Iran’s territorial waters” ...wait for it.... “without telling the Iranians where it was”.

Bush gave a speech in the Rose Garden today about global warming, in which one would be hard put to find any proposal to actually do something about global warming, or any sense of urgency. Evidently, “there is a wrong way and a right way to approach reducing greenhouse gas emissions.”


The right way is with, like, technology, nuclear power plants, technology, “clean” coal, and technology. He’s against a “carbon-based global trade war.” Just in case you were wondering. Then the Rose Garden came to life and swallowed him whole, the end.

Here in America you’ll find a nation of prayer

Today Pope Benny went to the White House, where Bush greeted him in Latin with the words “Pax Tecum,” which, freely translated, means “Don’t mess with Texas.”


He told the pope, “Here in America you’ll find a nation of prayer.” Mostly praying that you won’t completely fuck the country up before January 20.


He said, “Each day across the world the United States is working to eradicate disease, alleviate poverty, promote peace and bring the light of hope to places still mired in the darkness of tyranny and despair.” The Oval Office, for example.


He told His Ratziness, “In a world where some treat life as something to be debased and discarded, we need your message that all human life is sacred... that ‘each of us is willed, each of us is loved, and each of us is necessary.’” ...

... Hands up anyone who doesn’t have “Every sperm is sacred” running through their head right now.

I got nuthin

And plenty of it. So it must be CAPTION CONTEST time:

In which George Bush sees God

Bush was interviewed (last week, I think) by EWTN Global Catholic Network about the visit to the US of Pope Benny, who he calls “a really important figure in a lot of ways.” And they’re alike in so many ways (they both have old Hitler Youth uniforms in the back of their closets, for example): “I so subscribe to his notion that there are -- there’s right and wrong in life, that moral relativism has a danger of undermining the capacity to have more hopeful and free societies”.

ASK A STUPID QUESTION:

Q: You read his book on Europe, I’m told.

BUSH: Well, I read parts of it, yes.

Well, looked at the pictures.

SPEAKING CLEARLY: “I’m also, as you know, a believer in the value of human life for the -- whether it’s -- you know, the most vulnerable amongst us. And he speaks clearly to that, as well.” That makes one of you.

WHAT AL QAIDA CAN’T POSSIBLY SAY TO SOMEBODY: No one who’s got a vision as dark and dim as al Qaeda can possibly say to somebody, follow me, my vision is hopeful or positive.”

WHAT INVIGORATES OUR SOUL: “It invigorates our soul to know that we have saved a baby that could be dying of a mosquito bite.”

WHAT HE WILL REMIND THE POPE OF: “And I’m looking forward to talking to His Holy Father, and I will remind him this isn’t a George W. Bush deal; this is America.”

WHAT THIS IS: “There are a lot of innocent men, women and children who are being killed by them, as well. This is their techniques, this is their tactics”.

QUIT IT! “Well, one thing we can do is to keep our troops there long enough to have a civil society emerge, and go after them, and go after these killers, and bring them to justice so they quit killing people, including our own troops, because this is a war.”

HE’S PROBABLY ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO TALKS IN MOVIE THEATERS TOO: “Because I -- you know, I’m going to the Olympics, for starters. And I’ve -- my plans aren’t -- haven’t changed. And the reason why is because I can talk to him about religious freedom prior to the Olympics, during the Olympics and after the Olympics -- which I have done. I don’t need the Olympics to express my position to the Chinese leadership on freedom. I just don’t need them -- because that’s all I have been doing as your President.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “in other words -- if people say, well, you need to express yourself clearly about freedom of religion, my answer is, what do you think I’ve been doing?”

OLD, BUT WITH THE MIND OF A CHILD: “But nobody needs to call old -- tell old George Bush what to -- that he needs to bring religious freedom to the doorstep of the Chinese, because I’ve done that now for -- I’m on my eighth year doing it.”

WHAT IS IN OUR NATIONAL INTERESTS: “I think it’s important for people to understand that a culture of life is in our national interests”.

WHAT ELSE HE WILL REMIND THE POPE OF: “And I’m going to remind His Holy Father how important his voice is in making it easier for politicians like me to be able to kind of stand and defend our positions that are, I think, very important positions to take.”

YOU GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING IN YOUR EYE THERE:

Q: You said, famously, when you looked into Vladimir Putin’s eyes you saw his soul.

BUSH: Yes.

Q: When you look into Benedict XVI’s eyes what do you see?

BUSH: God.

Clinton, Obama and the clingers to religion

Yesterday Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had a non-debate, responding to questions one after the other at a “Compassion Forum,” at some place called Messiah College, which I guess is a trade school for messiahs. McCain didn’t show.

Hillary again accused Obama of “mak[ing] comments that do seem elitist, out of touch and, frankly, patronizing,” even going out of her way to include the information that he made the comments in... gasp... San Francisco. Obama, of course, backpedaled furiously; some of his best friends are God-botherers.


Hillary said that in the past, Gore and Kerry were falsely portrayed as disdainful of the proles, therefore bringing this up is “a legitimate political issue.” That is, because people mischaracterized Gore and Kerry, it’s legitimate for her to mischaracterize Obama. Or something like that.

DOES THE HOLY SPIRIT SHIT IN THE WOODS? “I have had the experiences on many, many occasions where I felt like the holy spirit was there with me as I made a journey. It didn’t have to be a hard time. You know, it could be taking a walk in the woods. It could be watching a sunset.”


Asked if life begins at conception, Obama said he had no idea. Hillary made the completely meaningless statement that “I believe that the potential for life begins at conception.” (Update: I phrased that badly. I meant that she gave an anodyne statement that the most ardent pro-choice or anti-abortion supporter could agree with. The question was designed to get at the philosophy underlying her views on abortion, and she gave them a basic biological fact.)

The questioners represented different religions:

Q: As-Salamu Alaykum, Senator Clinton.

CLINTON: Thank you.

That just strikes me as kind of funny. Just me? Okay.

Asked why God lets the innocent suffer, she said she “can’t wait” to ask him. Yeah, do that and report back to us, wouldja?


On abortion, Obama insisted that there is “common ground.” Just keep thinking that, Barack, and see where it gets you. He said finding that common ground “requires us to acknowledge that there is a moral dimension to abortion.” I presume that means acknowledging that abortion is morally icky and at least a little shameful, which I for one do not intend to “acknowledge.” He said “in this difficult situation it is a woman’s responsibility and choice to make in consultation with her doctor and her pastor and her family.” No, choice is a right which inheres in the woman and the woman alone. She can make it in consultation with a Magic Eight Ball if she wants, that’s what being a right means.

He brought up the fact that he believes in evolution without even being asked.


He also believes that Al Gore won the 2000 election (not that that has anything to do with evolution; quite the reverse, actually). I think he’s said that before, but isn’t it remarkable that the possible next president is willing to say that his predecessor was not legitimately elected? And it’s not even a blip.

Luminescence and tumescence

AP headline: “Luminaries Attend Heston’s Funeral.” Wasn’t it nice of the Burning Bush to come?

Speaking of luminaries, one of the emails in my spam file, offering Cialis for sale, purports to come from an “Englebert Gaylord.” Who would buy Cialis from someone named Englebert Gaylord?

Mutual assured destruction with Ahmadinejad is an incentive

South Africa’s deputy security minister Susan Shabangu at a police conference, on how to deal with criminals: “You must kill the bastards if they threaten you or the community. ... You must not worry about the regulations. That is my responsibility. Your responsibility is to serve and protect. I won’t tolerate any pathetic excuses for you not being able to deal with crime. You have been given guns, now use them. I want no warning shots. You have one shot and it must be a kill shot.”

That was a couple of days ago. She has not been fired.

Cheney, interviewed by Sean Hannity on Fox News [correction: on his radio show], called Ahmadinejad: “a very dangerous man. On the one hand, he has repeatedly stated that he wants to destroy Israel.” No he hasn’t. “He also has -- is a man who believes in the return of the 12th Imam; and that the highest honor that can befall a man is that he should die a martyr in facilitating the return of the 12th Imam. It’s a radical, radical point of view. Bernard Lewis once said, mutual assured destruction in the Soviet-U.S. relationship in the Cold War meant deterrence, but mutual assured destruction with Ahmadinejad is an incentive. You have to be concerned about that.”

He also peddled this Ahmadinejad-as-suicide-bomber nonsense in another interview, so it’s evidently the new scare line.

Yesterday I commented on Bush’s Iraq speech in which he said that 15 months ago we were on the defensive in Iraq that he hadn’t said that at the time. In an interview with ABC today, he said that he lied in order to keep up troop morale: “That’s as much to try and bolster the spirits of the people in the field as well -- you can’t have the commander in chief say to a bunch of kids who are sacrificing that either it’s not worth it or you’re losing. What does that do for morale?” I haven’t seen the interview and the transcript isn’t up yet, so I don’t know if Martha Raddatz followed up, “So how do we know you’re telling the truth now?”

He also said of waterboarding Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, “We had legal opinions that enabled us to do it.” So that’s okay then.

As for then-Attorney General Ashcroft’s much-quoted remark about the torture meetings, “Why are we talking about this in the White House? History will not judge this kindly,” I trust we’re all clear that he wasn’t morally opposed to the torture, he was opposed to the talking, to leaving a paper trail.

Difficult but not endless

Headline of the day (Guardian): “Gangster’s Notorious Underpants Sell out Fast.”

Headline of the day (AP) (I wrote the previous item last night, so technically this is the headline of the day for today and that one was the headline of the day for yesterday, for those of you playing along at home): “No ‘Lord of the Rings’ for Man at Gitmo.”

This morning Bush gave a speech endorsing every recommendation he told David Petraeus to make.

He explained that things used to be terrible in Iraq and are now wonderful:

Fifteen months ago, America and the Iraqi government were on the defensive; today, we have the initiative.

Funny, I don’t remember him telling us 15 months ago that we were on the defensive.

Fifteen months ago, extremists were sowing sectarian violence; today, many mainstream Sunni and Shia are actively confronting the extremists.

So instead of having one type of sectarian violence, there’s now another type of sectarian violence? Progress, ain’t it grand?

Fifteen months ago, Americans were worried about the prospect of failure in Iraq; today, thanks to the surge, we’ve renewed and revived the prospect of success.

If Americans have stopped worrying about the prospects of failure in Iraq, they haven’t renewed the prospect of success, they’ve renewed their Xanax prescription.


Col. Combover needs to set and think a spell: “General Petraeus says he’ll need time to consolidate his forces and assess how this reduced American presence will affect conditions on the ground before making measured recommendations on further reductions. And I’ve told him he’ll have all the time he needs.” Also, could everybody kind of keep it down? It’s a little hard to assess with all the explosions and shooting and stuff.

“Our nation owes a special thanks to the soldiers and families who’ve supported this extended deployment.” Supported?

He explained that while you may think the Iraq War is really expensive, you are wrong because it’s actually cheap compared to the Cold War: “it is modest -- a modest fraction of our nation’s wealth -- and it pales when compared to the cost of another terrorist attack on our people.” 9/11! 9/11! 9/11! “We should be able to agree that this is a burden worth bearing.” No? Well then, we should be able to agree that kittens are cute.


GEE, I WONDER HOW THAT HAPPENED? “Iraq is the convergence point for two of the greatest threats to America in this new century -- al Qaeda and Iran.”

If we pull out, “violent extremists around the world would draw the same dangerous lesson that they did from our retreats in Somalia and Vietnam.”

“And while this war is difficult, it is not endless.” The sun’s gotta burn out sooner or later.

Adding some value to Bush’s knowledge

Today Bush signed the Second Chance Act, which is something about rehabilitating former prisoners through the power of Jebus.

IN OTHER WORDS: “The bill I’m signing today, the Second Chance Act of 2007, will build on work to help prisoners reclaim their lives. In other words, it basically says: We’re standing with you, not against you.”

He had a photo op with some people who work with former prisoners, but he couldn’t thank them: “I can’t thank the folks who care enough about a fellow citizen to offer their love and compassion.”

Later, he met Singapore’s Senior Minister Goh Chok Tong.

GOOOOOAAAAL! “And I also am so pleased that the trade agreement that we negotiated during our respective times was kicked in.”

DON’T FEAR THE VOICES: “We spent time on Burma and the need for the military regime there to understand that they shouldn’t fear the voices of people. And yet they do.”

Goh made a Bush-is-so-stupid joke, to general hilarity: “Then the President was interested in developments in Asia, so I was able to add some value to his knowledge -- (laughter) -- on Southeast Asia and on Asia.”

Bush also spent some time this morning searching for Lincoln’s gold.

Significant but uneven

Headline of the day (AP): “Brazil Opens Condom Factory to Protect the Amazon.”

McCain, in an email, accuses Clinton and Obama of calling for a “pre-emptive withdrawal” from Iraq. A pre-what-ive what now? He calls on them to “move beyond empty and destructive rhetoric”. Can rhetoric be both empty and destructive?

Speaking of empty and destructive, David Petraeus testified before Congress today. He says there has been “significant but uneven” progress in Iraq. Or possibly significantly uneven progress. Or unevenly significant progress.


There were protesters and everything.


Today Bush awarded a Medal of Honor to a dead Navy Seal (or as the Pentagon website puts it, a “fallen SEAL”) (Ew, the site just refreshed, with a picture of Bush crying). Bush let tears roll down his cheek without wiping them away until every photographer in the room got the shot.

Surge of sadness

Then he met with some visiting Afghan provincial governors. “I started off the meeting by telling them I was a governor once.” Then the governors told him how they were once warlords/drug barons/CIA assets/mujahadeen/all of the above.

They came with their own concerns: “Some provinces are quiet, and the governor wondered whether or not, because it’s quiet, people remember the people in the province exist.” Guys, most days Americans don’t remember that the people in Afghanistan exist.

BEING ABLE TO SEE: “And I shared with them our desire to help them succeed, because one of the things that really matters in democracy is that local governance is strong and good and honest, that the people are being able to see the benefits of democracy.”

Holy rogue’s gallery, Batman!

Adam suggests in a comment on yesterday’s post that Laura Bush looks like The Joker from Batman.


Dick Cheney is of course The Penguin (one could also make the case for his being Mr. Freeze). Which I guess makes Condi The Catwoman. But who’s The Riddler? John Yoo?

CONTEST: match Bat-villains with Bush administration members, past or present. Give reasons if necessary. (That Wikipedia entry has a note on top saying “The neutrality of this article is disputed.” The mind boggles.)

We got a meat packer

Today Bush met with some small business owners. “We got a meat packer, an apple processor, we’ve got a grinder, a large equipment manufacturer, education man.” Worst. Porno. Ever.

They’re all making investments, thanks to the stimulus package. “And that’s important, because in times of economic uncertainty, we want people making investment, so when a person buys an apple press, somebody is going to have to manufacture that press. When somebody manufactures that press, it means there’s more likely to be work and income.” And sweet refreshing apple cider! Hooray! George has an MBA, you know.

Bush also made another little speech in favor of the free-trade treaty with Colombia. He says that Uribe has addressed every issue raised by American congresscritters: “He’s addressed violence by demobilizing tens of thousands of paramilitary figures and fighters.” That is, he granted amnesty to right-wing death squads. “He’s addressed attacks on trade unionists by stepping up funding for prosecutions, establishing an independent prosecutors unit, and creating a special program that protects labor activists.” Of course to prosecute, you actually have to catch the killers, which never ever happens in Colombia (11 trade unionists were murdered last month, 700 since 2001). “If this isn’t enough to earn America’s support, what is?” Oh, what indeed?

No speech about Colombia is complete without a few swipes at Hugo Chavez. “Colombia also faces a hostile and anti-American regime in Venezuela which has met with FARC terrorist leaders [at Uribe’s request, Bush doesn’t mention], and deployed troops to the Colombian border as a means of intimidating the Colombian government and its people.” That would be right after Colombia assassinated a FARC leader inside Ecuador.

The Bush-Putin summit: We spent a lot of time in our relationship trying to get rid of the Cold War

Bush and Putin have spent the weekend together. And while Vlad was clearly psyched about it,


and Laura was clearly on psychotropic drugs about it,


it’s unclear that much was accomplished, although Bush talked as if some sort of major breakthrough – he used the word – had occurred on the subject of missile defense, although Putin said “Our fundamental attitude to the American plans have not changed.” (The translator is taking his or her grammar hints from Bush.)

There was talk about creating “confidence-building and transparency” around the program, which Bush seems to think will result in Russian acquiescence, which obviously won’t ever happen, especially since the sort of confidence-building and transparency Russia is asking for is the stationing of Russian military personnel at the sites in the Czech Republic and Poland on a permanent basis, which is an obvious non-starter in those countries, which have already rejected the idea out of hand. But Bush thinks he can convince them to disregard decades (the Czech Republic) or centuries (Poland) of history: “[I]t’s important for the leaders in those countries -- and I’ve discussed the issue with them -- to understand that Russia is not an enemy, Russia is somebody with whom we need to work.”


Still, Bush says that his proposals “will be important and useful in ensuring [sic]* Russia concerns.” The asterisk leads to a note from the transcriber that Bush really meant to say “assuaging.” Sure he did.

HAVE YOU TRIED PUTTING IT ON E-BAY? “We spent a lot of time in our relationship trying to get rid of the Cold War. It’s over. It ended.”


WHAT RUSSIA HAVE: “The United States has suffered terrorist attacks on its soil, as have Russia.”

BUSH REMEMBERS FULL WELL: “And I will tell you, there’s been no firmer person in the world who understands the threat of radicalism, and the capacity of these radicals and extremists to murder the innocent people. I remember full well when that happened on your soil.” You know, that thing. That happened. On the soil.

WHAT THE LAST BUSH-PUTIN SUMMIT PROVES: “It’s a moment where it just proves life moves on.”


WHAT YOU HAVE A LOT OF TIMES IN POLITICS: “A lot of times in politics you have people look you in the eye and tell you what’s not on their mind.”

He also met Puppet-President-Elect Medvedev, who evidently passed the Stanford-Binet-Chimpy test: “And so my first impressions are very positive -- smart fellow.”

Bush and God and hats in Croatia

Bush gave a not hugely interesting speech in the central square in Zagreb.


I don’t much like it when he claims to enunciate American religious beliefs when he’s in America, but it’s especially obnoxious when he does so abroad: “Our countries are separated by thousands of miles, but we’re united by a deep belief in God and the blessings of liberty He gave us.” Worst geometry problem ever: if the distance between the US and Croatia is thousands of miles, and the belief in God and the blessings of liberty He gave us is 17 feet deep, what is the volume...


He then judged the Silliest National Costume (Balkans Division) competition. As always, it’s all about the hats. Little-known fact: the Bosnian civil war was fought entirely over the question of whether the homburg should have a little feather or not.

Tigers and the people who love them

Follow-up: a while back I mentioned the Argentinian woman who was stolen at birth from her parents, prisoners killed during the Dirty War, and who sued her adoptive parents. They were just sentenced to 8 and 7 years in prison, and the army captain who gave them the stolen baby got 10 years.

Reuters: “A tiger devoured a mentally ill man who entered its cage in a zoo in northeast China... It was reported that ‘only two legs and his skull were left’. His parents said he loved tigers.” And vice versa.

If you can think of other appropriately tasteless jokes about that news story, far be it for me to stop you putting them in comments.

Bush and his hanger-oners at the NATO conference and in Croatia

News story lead sentence of the day (Reuters): “Kikwete of Tanzania has condemned witchdoctors who kill albinos and harvest their body parts in the hope that they will bring prosperity.”

Stupid Hollywood remake idea of the week: Short Circuit.

The NATO summit finished up today. Bush made many friends.


Since no one would talk to him, he went back to his best friend: booze.


Much better.

Before he left, he met with Romanian Prime Minister Popescu-Tăriceanu, his good (but not great) friend: “We just had a great -- we had a good meeting, because we’re good friends.”

He thanked Popescu-Tăriceanu for hosting the summit: “It’s not easy to host as many automobiles, body guards, world leaders, hanger-oners as you did.” Is Condi a hanger-oner? Laura?

However he did upbraid the PM for not arranging a proper tribute for him: “I didn’t have quite the dramatic rainbow scene this time as I did the first time I came”.

HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW: He apologized for American visa policy towards Romanians: “Our Congress passed new law -- it frankly wasn’t as good as I thought it should be, but nevertheless, it is the law of the land, because I signed it into law.”

From there, it was on to Zagreb. A few more drinks on the plane turned him from a happy drunk into a sullen drunk. (Or possibly into Richard Nixon. Doesn’t he look like Nixon?)


“Okay George, very good, now your left foot. No, your other left.”

“Okay George, almost there, just a little lower. No, George, there’s only one hand. How could I be holding out three hands? Just shake it already.”

“Just stand right here. Try not to fall over.”

If he only had a good meeting with his good friend Călin Popescu-Tăriceanu, he had a great one with Croatian President Mesic, who gave him a drink.



Bonus NATO summit picture:

“Peace, baby.”

Bush at the NATO summit: Clearly remembering evil’s face

Bush is attending the MATO NATO summit. Today he made a little speech in which he called NATO “the most successful alliance in history on behalf of human freedom.” Define successful. Also freedom. And history. And human.

He welcomed the invitation extended to Albania, Croatia and Macedonia (well, two out of three) to join NATO, because they “all know the difference between good and evil, because they clearly remember evil’s face.” That’s just rude; you know how sensitive evil is about its appearance.

That was two out of three because Greece is once again blocking Macedonia because of its fucking name. Bush says “The name issue needs to be resolved quickly”. A little late for that: Greece has been pulling this shit since 1992 in one of the longest and silliest temper tantrums in diplomatic history.

Making friends and influencing people: Bush with the Macedonian president and prime minister, with Georgian president Saakashvili, Angela Merkel, and Gordon Brown.

To love one’s country is to love one’s countrymen, if you know what I mean

The latest John McCain ad (2:47):



Admit it: after all that homoerotic talk about the love of fighting men for each other, the repeated use of the word “glory” made you add “-hole” in your mind.

Peace in the Middle East, one dirt mound at a time

Finally, a definition of the 50 “roadblocks” in the West Bank which Condi so fulsomely praised Israel for promising to remove. They are dirt mounds. Israel has now taken what they call the “concrete step” of removing those 50 dirt mounds (of course before they agreed to remove 50 of the mounds, they added 30).

On Fox News yesterday, Holy Joe Lieberman defended McCain confusing (slash lying about) Shiite and Sunni as “mis-speaking,” not one minute after himself saying, “If we did what Sen. Obama wanted us to do last year, Al-Qaeda in Iran would be in control of Iraq today.” (h/t Matt Browner Hamlin).

Thief of the day: In Spain, a burglar broke into a funeral parlor, but was overheard. When the police arrived, he pretended to be a corpse, but was caught because 1) he wasn’t in a coffin, 2) he was in dirty work clothes, 3) he was breathing.

Priest of the day: In Florence, a priest gained £3m through fake exorcisms. That’s the sort of thing that ruins it for the real exorcists. The priest denies that he practiced exorcism without... wait for it... a license.

Headline of the day, from the Times: “Teenage Thai Ladyboys Warned over £65 Castrations.”

In Europe, Bush learns that, as is so often the case, it’s all about the hats.

Bush in Romania: An ambition mission

Today Bush arrived in Bucharest for the NATO summit. Or as he called it, “MATO.” He is still talking about how five years ago he saw a rainbow: “And then the clouds parted, and a rainbow appeared in the sky -- heralding a new day for this nation, and the Atlantic Alliance she was about to join.”

AMBITION MISSION: “Afghanistan is the most daring and ambition [sic] mission in the history of NATO.”

NATO’S WAR WITH NATO: “Our Alliance must maintain its resolve and finish the fight in NATO.” (He meant Afghanistan).

NOT NECESSARILY GOOD ONES, BUT WHY SPLIT HAIRS? “The surge has produced results across Iraq.”

RELATIONSHIP COUNSELOR: “We’re working toward a new security relationship with Russia whose foundation does not rest on the prospect of mutual annihilation.”

DRACULA! “The Romanian people have seen evil in their midst -- and they’ve seen evil defeated.”

Later, he held a press conference with Romanian President Basescu.

IN OUT INTEREST TO HELP SUCCEED: “But in this case, it’s in our interest to help succeed because we don’t want an enemy that has been known to attack people -- nations in our Alliance to be able to develop safe haven again, to be able to use a launching pad like Afghanistan to plot, plan and attack.”

President Basescu stepped in to give a, um, variant on that theme: “Sure, we have a extremely clear idea if we don’t keep the terrorists in Afghanistan, if we let them free, they’ll come in Europe, they’ll come in United States.”

THE POTENTIAL OF THE BLACK SEA: “I take the advice of the President on the Black Sea. ... he loves the Black Sea. And he understands the potential of the Black Sea.”


DOUBLE PROMOTION: “We need to promote the scenario where you can promote energy independence. All nations ought to have a variety of sources of energy from which to choose, so it’s never become captured by a single supplier.”

WHAT HE WILL MAKE CLEAR TO PUTIN: He noted that he will meet Putin for “our last face-to-face meeting as a presidency”. “Look, I’m going to meet with President Putin to make it clear to him the Cold War is over”. In case he didn’t get the memo.

Bush in the Ukraine: Democracies are good things to have on your border

In the Ukraine (which as far as this blog is concerned still takes the article), Bush had a joint press conference with President Viktor Yushchenko, who as far as this blog is concerned is still “Pock-Faced Mr. Y.”


WHAT BUSH AND POCK-FACED MR. Y SPENT A LOT OF TIME TALKING ABOUT: “And President Yushchenko and I understand that democracies are the best partners for peace and security in every part of the world. So we spent a lot of time talking about NATO.”


PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE FLAGS (waved by Ukrainians protesting plans to join NATO): “Just because there was a bunch of, you know, Soviet-era flags in the street yesterday doesn’t -- you shouldn’t read anything into that.”

A CLEAR SIGNAL: “And my stop here is -- should be a clear signal to everybody that I mean what I say, and that is, I mean that it’s in our interest for Ukraine to join. And so, therefore, one should -- but you ought to take more than my stop -- more from my stop than just a -- trying to send a signal on NATO.”


WHAT PUTIN SHOULDN’T FEAR, AND WHAT ARE GOOD THINGS TO HAVE ON YOUR BORDER: “I told that to President Putin on my phone call with him recently. I said, you just got to know, I’m headed to Bucharest with the idea in mind of getting MAP for Ukraine and Georgia, and you shouldn’t fear that, Mr. President. After all, NATO is a organization that’s peaceful, or NATO is an organization that helps democracies flourish. Democracies are good things to have on your border.” Which is it, George? NATO is “a” organization, or NATO is “an” organization? Pick a side, we’re at war!


WHAT MISSILES FROM THE MIDDLE EAST COULD JUST AS EASILY DO: “And on the second point, on missile defense, it’s in his interests that we participate and share information. After all, a missile from the Middle East can fly north just as easily as it could fly west...” Yeah; fucking MapQuest! “...and the capacity to be able to share information and share technology to be able to deal with these threats is important for a lot of countries, including Russia.”


WHAT CONDI AND BOB DID IN RUSSIA: “That’s what Condi Rice and Bob Gates spent time doing when they were there in Russia, and that is to defuse any notions that this is aiming something at somebody in Europe. This is all aiming to protect people in Europe.” We aim to please.


WHAT WE’RE DEALING WITH: “We’re dealing with a lot of history and a lot of suspicion throughout governments.”

WHAT PUTIN HAS BEEN: “He’s a -- you know, he’s a person that has been a strong leader for Russia.”


The US Secret Service searches performers for weapons.


Dude! They’ve got spears. Spears! In their hands!