The guilty abroad

Bush has arrived in Kiev, where he is given the traditional Ukrainian greeting of bread and salt. Never has a man looked so perplexed by bread and salt.



(Update: the White House website captions this picture, “President George W. Bush acknowledges the taste of bread”.)

McCain’s daddy issues

Today McCain talked about how every single one of his (male) ancestors has served in the military, killing people for their country. He said that when he was a POW, his father “prayed on his knees every night for my safe return. ... Yet, when duty required it, he gave the order for B-52s to bomb Hanoi, in close proximity to my prison.” You know, if my father had dropped bombs in close proximity to me, I wouldn’t be praising his patriotism, I would consider him a bit of a douche. Of course my father wasn’t in the military, he was in accounting, so I’d also really have to wonder what he was doing with all those bombs. And for that matter, what I was doing in a prison in Hanoi.

(Little artistic license there: my father was not actually in accounting.)

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson held a press conference to propose rejiggering financial regulatory bodies (and preempting state regulation of securities and industry). Which means it’s time for another instalment of our ongoing series, “Everything You Need to Know About the Economy You Can Tell By the Expression on Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s Face.”

Not coming to insert American ideas into this process

Totally sincere political statement of the week: Barack Obama: “My attitude is that Senator Clinton can run as long as she wants.”

CONDI GOT NO IDEAS: Condi, in Israel: “I’m not coming to insert American ideas into this process.”

She has been trumpeting, because it’s the only thing she has to show for her latest visit to the Middle East, an agreement by Israel to ease movement in the West Bank by eliminating 50 roadblocks. Not the checkpoints, which will be “upgraded,” just roadblocks. Reporters in her press pool, sensing that the term had been simply made up in order to make Israel look good by agreeing to remove 50 of them without relieving the burden on Palestinian travelers in the tiniest bit, repeatedly tried to get her to define just exactly what constitutes a roadblock, and she rather clearly had no idea. Er, did I say clearly?:

Let me just explain, though, that the whole point here is not to try and isolate and say we remove that or remove that. The whole point here is to have an integrated approach that looks at the security, looks at the movement and access issues, and looks at the potential for economic prospects, and then comes up with concrete steps that can move all three together in an integrated fashion. ...

General Fraser will be following up on the specifics and will be also -- the term that he uses is not verifying, but making certain that, in fact, there are 50 and that they are being removed and that they, in fact, have some impact on the access issue. ...

But the question is not just a category -- roadblocks or checkpoints -- but what does it do to allow people to move freely. ...

But again, we’re trying to take an approach that is consistent with security, movement and economic development so that it’s not just -- so that it’s not just remove something that may not have any effect or that may adversely affect security but is not really critical to economic activity. It really is an effort now to put these three elements together and to make decisions on that basis.

(Update: the Guardian says there are now 580 roadblocks.)

Consternation and concern and care

In the afternoon, Bush went to a company called Novadebt in New Jersey, which gives mortgages advice, and wandered amongst the cubicles.

WE HAVE GOT A ISSUE: “And the reason why I’m here is because we have got a issue in housing in America.”


IN OTHER WORDS: “The value of the houses have gone down in some areas, and people’s mortgages are resetting. In other words, the interest rates are going up.”

OO, ALLITERATION: “And that has caused consternation and concern and care.” Oh my.


He also met some of the people who have received mortgage advice, including one Danny Cerchiaro, a New Jersey name if ever I heard one.

BECAME WORKING: “He got -- he called HOPE NOW, and he became working with a mortgage counselor named Penny Meredith.”

WHAT WAS THAT NUMBER AGAIN? “And I want my fellow citizens, if you’re worried about your home, to call this number: 188-995-HOPE [sic]. Let me repeat that again: 188-995-HOPE [sic].”

There have been other defining moments up to now, but this is a defining moment, as well

At the Air Force Museum in Ohio yesterday, Bush gave a speech from which only one line is worth passing on: “You know, when I mentioned justice of the cause, you see that when Americans in full battle gear hand out books to children, hand out books to total strangers.”

The Marine Corps is dropping all charges against Lance Cpl. Stephen Tatum for his role in the Haditha Massacre (see previous posts), evidently in exchange for his testimony against Staff Sgt. Frank Wuterich. According to a press release, “This was done in order to continue to pursue the truth-seeking process into the Haditha incident.” A justice-seeking process might also have been nice.

Today Bush met with Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, who, when asked by an Aussie reporter how he would describe him, he called “Fine lad, fine lad.”


When asked about foreign policy differences with Rudd (Iraq, China, greenhouse gasses, etc), Bush said “I guess it depends if you’re a half-glass empty guy or a half-glass full guy,” adding that he really could see no differences, but maybe that’s because he’d just drunk half a glass of tequila. He didn’t even see policy differences over Rudd’s plan to pull troops out of Iraq. “Obviously the Prime Minister kept a campaign commitment, which I appreciate. I always like to be in the presence of somebody who does what he says he’s going to do.” And yet it never rubs off.

But he didn’t ascribe Rudd’s decision to the will of the Australian people as expressed by the polls, no, that would violate Dick Cheney’s “So?” Doctrine. “I would view the Australia decision as ‘return on success’”. He also demonstrated his understanding of Aussie policy with his usual clarity: “But the commitment of Afghanistan is not to leave Iraq alone; it’s to change mission.”

SOME PEOPLE CAN TELL AN INTERESTING STORY, SOME PEOPLE CAN’T: “And so he told me about an interesting story. He met with the Prime Minister, Maliki. Prime Minister Maliki says to Kevin Rudd -- or Kevin Rudd says to Prime Minister Maliki, what can we do to help you. It wasn’t, what can we do to abandon you. He said, how can we help you?”

MORE PRAISE FOR RUDD: “He’s an expert on China -- it’s clear when you talk to him, he is an expert on China.”


Many of the reporters’ questions focused on Maliki’s... in honor of Mr. Rudd, I’m hereby officially naming it Maliki’s Basra Balls-Up.

A LOT OF DEFINING GOING ON: “I would say this is a defining moment in the history of a free Iraq. There have been other defining moments up to now, but this is a defining moment, as well.”

IT TALKS! “The decision to move troops -- Iraqi troops into Basra talks about Prime Minister Maliki’s leadership.”

Q&A: “And one of the early questions I had to the Prime Minister was would he be willing to confront criminal elements, whether they be Shia or Sunni? Would he, in representing people who want to live in peace, be willing to use force necessary to bring to justice those who take advantage of a vacuum, or those who murder the innocent? And his answer was, yes, sir, I will. And I said, well, you’ll have our support if that’s the case, if you believe in evenhanded justice.”


IT’S NOT JUST A DEFINING MOMENT: “it is an interesting moment for the people of Iraq”.

WHAT’S SO INTERESTING ABOUT IT? “And so -- the other that’s interesting about this, by the way -- this happens to be one of the provinces where the Iraqs are in the lead -- Iraqis are in the lead, and that’s what they are in this instance.”

IT’S NOT JUST A DEFINING MOMENT AND AN INTERESTING MOMENT: “And this is a good test for them.” Given that Maliki just had to extend his surrender deadline by 10 days, I guess they’re taking an incomplete.


TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE ABILITY TO BE CRIMINALS: “And of course, routing out these folks who’ve burrowed in society, who take advantage of the ability to be criminals, or the ability to intimidate citizens, is going to take a while. ... And one of those things that’s been well known is that Basra has been a place where criminality has thrived. It’s a port, a lot of goods and services go through there.”

WHAT HE SUSPECTS MALIKI WOULD SAY: “And I haven’t spoke to the Prime Minister since he’s made his decision, but I suspect that he would say, look, the citizens down there just got sick and tired of this kind of behavior. ... And so I’m not exactly sure what triggered the Prime Minister’s response. I don’t know if it was one phone call. I don’t know what -- whether or not the local mayor called up and said, help -- we’re sick and tired of dealing with these folks. ... But this was his decision. It was his military planning. It was his causing the troops to go from point A to point B.”

SAD MONKEY: “And, yes, there’s going to be violence. And that’s sad.”

Yesterday, Nicolas Sarkozy and Gordon Brown showed what two national leaders really need in order to bond: a football.

I remember the rainbow most of all

Headline of the day (AFP): “Moves to Damp down Mozzarella Crisis.”

Yesterday Bush spoke with journalists from European countries he will soon be visiting.

IN THE INTERESTS: On the Ukraine and Georgia joining NATO: “I believe it’s in the interests that there is that clear path forward. ... So the first step, however, is for there to be a clear path forward, so that people understand -- and I believe it’s in our collective interest that we offer a clear path forward.”

He asked a Romanian reporter about a speech he once gave in Romania. Evidently there was a rainbow. He was very impressed by that, and wanted to know if they’re still talking about the “rainbow speech” in Romania. “I remember the rainbow most of all. It was a startling moment.”

You could tell they were foreign reporters because they expected Bush to be able to answer questions like this: “how do you see Croatia future in the NATO architecture in southeastern Europe, regarding its capability to host joint military bases, and primarily NATO forces, and the further development of its armed forces and its readiness to take part in NATO missions and contribute to the common security of the alliance?” Isn’t that adorable? He responded: “Croatia has served as a very good example, following a very dramatic moment, and that is the breakup of Yugoslavia. ... Examples are very important. The question is, would people have predicted 15 years ago that we’d be having this kind of discussion about Croatia. And who knows -- I don’t think many people would have certainly 25 years ago.” He added later, “And Croatia occupies a crucial part -- a crucial space in an important part of the world.”

SNOTTY MUCH? His forthcoming decision not to reduce troop levels in Iraq “will be based upon not politics, or not who can scream the loudest, but based upon whether or not we can maintain the successes we’ve had.”


CHANGING THE CAPACITY: “Congress did change the capacity for -- to have a new look at visa waiver.”

The London Times reporter asked whether Bush’s infatuation with Sarkozy was eclipsing the special relationship. Bush said that he will always love that country, whatever it’s called, and its leader, whoever that might be: “And that relationship was never as special as it was during times of conflict -- whether it be the relationship in the past between, like, Roosevelt and Churchill, or whether it be the current relationship, more modern relationship between Tony Blair and myself. ... And so, your question, ‘our greatest ally’ -- it’s going to be hard for any nation to trump Great Britain as our -- United Kingdom as our greatest ally.”

He announced that he’ll be going to Russia and he might even do the looking-in-his-eyes-and-seeing-his-soul thing with Medvedev, or he may have already met him, he’s not really sure, he’s like a Russian guy, right, yea high? “I haven’t met President Medvedev yet. I may have met him once, but I haven’t had a talk to him, President-to-President, obviously. He’s not even the President yet. I’m looking forward to meeting him.”

“In other words, there’s an invitation out there, and this is really -- the way to look at this is a follow-up to Condi and Bob Gates’s meeting -- which is good.”


The BBC caption for this picture is “Candidates for South Korean parliamentary elections and their supporters bow to traffic in the southern city of Daegu.” Um, okay.

Wherein John McCain reveals what he thinks of war

McCain gave his big foreign affairs speech today. Not surprisingly, it was so much like a Bush speech that the absence of “in other words”’s was almost jarring.

He opened with a joke: “I detest war.” No, really, he detests war. “Only a fool or a fraud sentimentalizes the merciless reality of war.” Is he implicitly calling George “It must be exciting for you ... in some ways romantic, in some ways, you know, confronting danger” Bush a fool or a fraud? Or possibly a frool?


But while he detests war (that just keeps getting funnier), he is a “realistic idealist.” “We cannot wish the world to be a better place than it is.” So throw away those wishes for the world to be a better place: vote McCain!

He says, repeatedly, that the US can’t act unilaterally, that we have to listen to the rest of the world. “There is such a thing as international good citizenship,” he says. Which sounds very reasonable of him, until you realize the forum in which the rest of the world will make its opinions known is his proposed “League of Democracies.” He also proposes booting Russia – excuse me, “a revanchist Russia” – from the G-8.


Oh, what else. Latin America is our back yard and our “natural partners.” China would be less of an adversary if it just shared our values. Eradicate malaria in Africa. No nukes in North Korea or Iran.

The “transcendent challenge of our time” is “radical Islamic terrorism.” Indeed, “Any president who does not regard this threat as transcending all others does not deserve to sit in the White House” (of course McCain has also referred to the use of steroids by professional athletes a “transcendent issue.”)

We must win the hearts and minds of moderate Muslims (yes, he really said hearts and minds, although the phrase was in quotation marks in the prepared text). Indeed, “In this struggle, scholarships will be far more important than smart bombs.” Says the guy who doesn’t know the difference between Sunnis and Shiites.


And of course, we have a “moral responsibility” never to leave Iraq: “It would be an unconscionable act of betrayal, a stain on our character as a great nation, if we were to walk away from the Iraqi people and consign them to the horrendous violence, ethnic cleansing, and possibly genocide that would follow a reckless, irresponsible, and premature withdrawal. Our critics say America needs to repair its image in the world. How can they argue at the same time for the morally reprehensible abandonment of our responsibilities in Iraq?” Yeah, how can they do that?

Do so do so do so

Today Bush went to a printing company in Virginia to talk about the economic stimulus package, which he says will benefit the very company in whose plant he is speaking: “It will benefit from it because if they make -- if Jim decides to purchase software or machinery, there is a tax incentive to encourage him to do so. He’s made the decision to do so, and his company will be encouraged to do so through the tax code.” You ever notice how if you say “do so” over and over, it loses all meaning?

HE HAS AN MBA YOU KNOW. FROM HARVARD AND EVERYTHING: “And that’s important because when he buys the machine, or when he buys software, somebody has to manufacture that. Therefore, there is a direct link between the stimulus package and jobs.”

WHAT GEORGE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO: “in the second week of May, a lot of folks are going to be getting a sizable check. And I’m looking forward to that day, and I know they are as well.” What will Bush spend his rebate check on? Suggestions in comments (alternatively: what should Bush spend his rebate check on?)

Wherein is revealed what shows that Hillary Clinton is human

In Idaho, a man running for US Senate changed his name to “Pro-Life” (I guess it’s one of those hyphenated last names like Courtney Cox-Arquette), and the state legislature reacted with emergency legislation to require that his “traditional name” be included on the ballot as well. Reminds me of when a drag queen named Sister Mary Boom Boom ran for, I believe, the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, in 1980 I think, and a bill to force candidates to use normal names was put forward by Supervisor Quentin Kopp.

Hillary Clinton about her “mis-statement” about having flown into Bosnia under fire: “So I made a mistake. That happens. It shows I’m human - which for some people is a revelation.” True: robots never remember being shot at when they have not actually been shot at, but humans make that “mistake” all the time. For example, I remember being disappointed by something last night, but was it finding out that The Daily Show was a repeat, or was there a mortar attack on my living room? I just can’t be sure.

What I find amusing is her attempt to turn this back on the people bringing it up, as if people pointing out her lies is an illegitimate, under-handed attack, like Samantha Powers calling her a monster. Political jiu-jitsu at its lamest.

She also claims it was the first time she “mis-spoke” in 12 or so years.

Better to be free for an hour than to be a slave for 40 years

Today Bush celebrated – for the very last time in the White House – Greek Independence Day. As usual, he did not say from whom Greece became independent. But then, he may think that Cyprus is one of the 50 states: “Ambassador Kakouris of -- to Cyprus is with us -- from Cyprus to U.S. is with us.”


ALSO, OLIVES. THEY’RE VERY COMMITTED TO OLIVES: “Throughout their history, the people of Greece have been committed to liberty. They’ve also been committed to the important principle that liberty only survives when brave men and women are ready to come to its defense.” Oh dear, he’s been watching his DVD of “300” again.


“In the years leading up to Greece’s war for independence, one of the rallying cries of the Greek people was that it was better to be free for an hour than to be a slave for 40 years. Those are the kind of folks who had their priorities straight.” But of course 9/11 changed everything.

He thanked Greece for sending troops to Afghanistan, Bosnia, Kosovo and Lebanon, telling the ambassador to “thank your governments [sic] for those strong signals that liberty is universal, and that liberty will bring the peace we all hope.” How do Greeks with guns send strong signals that liberty is universal, a gift from Zeus or whatever?

You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out; you put your right foot in, and you shake it all about.

Bush and the fisher folk

Yesterday Bush commemorated the 4,000th American military death in Iraq with a visit from the Easter Bunny. Today, he met with the winners of some sort of fishing competition (is there something inherently different about the way men and women catch bass that requires separate divisions?).

HE THOUGHT IT WAS IMPORTANT: “And I thought it was important to welcome these champs here to the White House so that -- you know, to encourage people to fish.”

ELIOT SPITZER MIGHT DISAGREE: “There’s nothing better than fishing,” he added.

GOOD: “This is a good, clean sport. It’s a sport that requires good conservation in order to make sure our fisheries are good”.


Judy Wong, who exalts in the title “Women’s Bassmaster,” then said something that probably only sounds incredibly filthy: “I would be glad to take you any day on Toledo Bend.” Adding, “And bring Laura, as well.”

When everybody’s somebody, then no one’s anybody

There’s so much awfulness in Dana Peroxide’s comments on the 4,000th American military death in Iraq, including her insistence that almost all their survivors wish the war to continue so the deaths won’t be “in vain,” and her claim that Bush “gets a report about every single soldier who passes away, and he always pauses a moment...” – how long is a “moment,” I wonder – “...to think about them and to offer a prayer for their loved ones and their family and friends,” which puts me in mind of the reports which, as governor of Texas, he used to peruse for as long as five minutes before signing death warrants.

But what’s been going through my head all day is her response to the question of whether Bush even considers the number to be significant in any way: “President Bush thinks that every single loss is tragic, from the very first several years ago to the ones that sacrificed yesterday.” Like Jenna and Not-Jenna, he loves every single one of his “sacrifices” equally. But hidden inside the cheap faux-sentimentalism, I think there’s a little piece of unintentional insight. “Tragic” is treated as a superlative, the highest level of emotion. So 4,000 deaths is not only not more tragic than the sum of each individual death, it isn’t even 4,000 times as tragic. It can no more be multiplied than can infinity – or zero. By this strange emotional calculus, the fuzziest of fuzzy math if you will, they might as well go on throwing bodies into the meat grinder forever, because 5,000 deaths, or 50,000, would be no more tragic than 4,000 or 1.

(Update: asked the same question about the 4,000th death, Cheney said “So?” Oh okay, what he actually said was, “You wish nobody ever lost their life, but unfortunately it’s one of those things that go with living in the world we live in.” See? It’s not the fault of the Bush administration; it’s the fault of the entire world we live in. Stoopid world.)

Update II: Tom Toles:

A very Chimpy Easter

Caption contest, White House Easter Egg Roll:



The Reuters caption for this one


says that Jenna “enacts one of the monster characters of the book ‘Where the Wild Things Are’”. I wonder who she would imitate to enact a monster character?

A sexual Switzerland

Today’s must-read: the WaPo on the regime we’ve imposed on Fallujah.

Myself, I seem to have nothing to say at the moment, so here are some more London Review of Books personals. (More of my LRB faves here.)

If partaking of the grape too eagerly after a messy break-up has taught me anything, it’s that answer phone messages can never be retrieved and are admissible in divorce courts as evidence of ‘unreasonable behaviour’. But if you’re a 35-45 year old guy who knows when a lady needs space and is able to take threats of physical assault and arson in the humorous, ironically edgy way in which they’re intended, then write to beautiful, vivacious, newly-medicated F, 38. Box no. 02/06

By reading this advert you have unwittingly become the latest in my mind experiments in which I persuade the subject to believe I’m a 6’4, sandy blonde Abercrombie and Fitch model with the world at my feet and a lifetime of excitement ahead of me. Man, 57. 6’4, sandy blonde Abercrombie and Fitch model with the world at my feet and a lifetime of excitement ahead of me. Worthing. Box no.02/08

I grazed my knee writing this advert. Accident prone F, 35. Box no. 02/09

I’ve spent my adult life fabricating reciprocal feelings from others and I don’t intend to stop now, nor at any other London Review bookshop event I’m summarily ejected from. Yes, once the history section had emptied and we were left alone his voice said ‘I’m not interested’, but his eyes very clearly stated ‘please follow me home and observe me from the shrubs in the park opposite until squirrels start to burrow into your legs, believing you to be a tree.’ Woman, 43. Reading between the lines even when the lines aren’t actually there. Don’t pretend you don’t love me. Box no. 06/08

Most partners cite the importance of having a loved one who will listen and understand them. I’m here to debunk this theory. The more you listen to your loved one, the more you will realise they talk crap, whine a lot, and make a lot of unreasonable demands regarding holidays together (since when is a car-ferry better than a plane, since when is a museum tour stop better than drunken evenings talking to oiled-up Italians on a beach?) I’d like to state here and now that anyone responding to this advert and winding up in an emotional (or, even better, purely sexual and frequently tawdry) relationship with me will never be listened to at all. That way we can carry on the pretence of enjoying each other’s company for many an ignorant year. No lawyers. Woman. 38. Box no. 06/10

It’s a jungle out there! Confused librarian. Box no. 06/11

There aren’t enough hours in the day for me to make love to all the women I want to make love to, so I’m going to start with you, nubile 21-year old choreographer and tantric masseuse, preferably French or able to adopt a French accent or not talk at all. Must know how to spoon-feed. Man, 78. Box no. 06/14

Everyone in this column has an agenda. Not me. Man, 41. Box no. 06/13

Sexually, I’m more of a Switzerland. F., 54. Box no. 06/12

Shorthanded

Yesterday I asked if Bush’s claim that Iran had “announc[ed] they want to destroy countries with a nuclear weapon” and “declared they want to have a nuclear weapon to destroy people” was a new escalation of his usual false claim that the Iranian government has said it wants nuclear weapons. Evidently it was just “shorthand.” White House spokesmodel Gordon Johndroe explains: “The president was referring to the Iranian regime’s previous statements regarding their desire to wipe Israel off the map. The president shorthanded his answer with regard to Iran’s previously secret nuclear weapons program and their current enrichment and ballistic missile testing.”

Shorthanded. I prefer to think of it as a Reese’s peanut butter cup moment: “Hey, you got your lie about Iran wanting to wipe out Israel in my lie about Iran saying it wants nuclear weapons!” “Hey, you got your lie about Iran saying it wants nuclear weapons into my lie about Iran wanting to wipe out Israel!”

The dark ages

Cheney followed up his surprise visit to Iraq with a surprise visit to Afghanistan. He said repeatedly that before the US invasion, “this country was in the dark ages”. Given the nature of the Taliban regime, that may sound unexceptionable, but there’s a bit of history of nations justifying their conquests by claiming that the conquered nations were less evolved, were at an earlier, inferior stage of historical development, so that the conquerors were acting in the interests of the benighted primitives.


Fortunately, help has arrived. He told American troops at Bagram Air Base, “A lot of history is being made here every single day.” So are they up to the Renaissance yet?

Where can I get me one of those hats?

Please don’t be discouraged by the slogans that say America doesn’t like you, because we do

Yesterday, Bush gave brief back to back interviews with three taxpayer-financed propaganda outlets, the Voice of America Persian News Network, Radio Farda (which broadcasts into Iran), and the Pentagon Channel.

Mostly he talked about Iran, and to any Iranians who might be listening. He prophesied, “My message to the young in Iran is that some day your society will be free, and it will be a blessed time for you.” He reassured the Iranian people: “And so my message is, please don’t be discouraged by the slogans that say America doesn’t like you, because we do”. Well, we like you, but we don’t like you like you. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I did, however, detect some sexual tension in his comments about the Iranian government, in whom he pointed out certain traits that he just cannot abide: “It’s just sad that the leadership is in many ways very stubborn”... “they haven’t told the full truth”... “The government has been duplicitous to the world. Very few people trust your government.” It must be awful to be ruled by people like that.

IN OTHER IRONIES WORDS: “In other words, I -- once a nation hasn’t told the truth, it requires a lot of work to convince people that they’ll be telling the truth in the future.”

Speaking of telling the truth, he lied for, I don’t know, the five millionth time, about what Ahmadinejad has said: “such as announcing they want to destroy countries with a nuclear weapon.” Is this an expansion of the usual false claim that Iran has said that it wants nukes? You will also have noticed his avoidance of the name Israel. Similarly, in the Radio Fardo interview he said, “they’ve declared they want to have a nuclear weapon to destroy people -- some in the Middle East.” You know, some.

IN OTHER WORDS: “There’s a way forward. In other words, I don’t know what the Iranian people believe about the United States, but they must believe that we have proposed a way forward that will yield to peace.”

In the Pentagon Channel interview, he claimed that wounded soldiers he’s visited usually tell him that they “can’t wait to get back in the battle”, and that family members of members of the military killed in his wars “to a person, nearly” tell him “whatever you do, Mr. President, complete this job.” Like those wounded soldiers, he’s pretty darned brave too: “I’m not afraid to hug a mom or hug a wife or hug a husband and cry.”

IN OTHER WORDS: The Taliban has not been defeated. In other words, they keep coming back”.

So?

It’s not just Hillary who’s a monster: according to Zhang Qingli, the Communist Party Secretary in Tibet (i.e., the head of the occupation government), “The Dalai Lama is a wolf wrapped in a habit, a monster with human face and animal’s heart.” Scary.

Speaking of a monster with human face and animal’s heart, Dick Cheney was interviewed in Oman by Martha Raddatz of ABC.

He not only denied that the economy is entering a recession (he did admit to it being in a “rough patch”), but also said that it was entirely natural: “Well, I think it’s a normal part of the cycle.” So that’s okay then. Oh sure, when a cycle hits a rough patch, the cyclist may go flying over the handlebars and hit his head on the concrete, and he doesn’t have any insurance because he was laid off, so... what were we talking about again?

He added, “A lot of it, though, goes back to the basic way the economy functions, and to say that there’s a lot of blame to be assessed here, I don’t think that’s the case.”

Raddatz asked repeatedly about the NIE about Iran. He evaded gracelessly, but with high confidence:

Q: But do you have high confidence they halted their nuclear weapons program in 2003?

CHENEY: I have high confidence they have an ongoing enrichment program.

Q: But not high confidence they halted it?

CHENEY: The enrichment program? They’ve never halted enrichment --

Q: The nuclear weapons program.

CHENEY: Well, just go back and look at the National Intelligence Estimate.

Q: It says high confidence they halted their nuclear weapons program in 2003.

CHENEY: And high confidence that they had a nuclear weapons program.

It’s actually astonishing how inept he is at this, but then it’s not enough that anyone asks him follow-up questions, so he doesn’t get much practice. He added that even if they did shut down the program in 2003, “The NIE does not address the issue, can’t, in terms of whether or not that’s ever been restarted.” Once again, he turns a complete absence of evidence into innuendo gold. And he went on to make his own unsupported intelligence claim: “They are today running centrifuges to enrich uranium to produce a weapon.”

Raddatz kept bringing up polls that say that two-thirds of Americans don’t think Iraq was worth it. Cheney: “They ought to go spend time, like you and I have, Martha.” So he wants two-thirds of Americans to go to Iraq. When she brought it up those poll numbers again, he simply said, “So?”

Q: So -- you don’t care what the American people think?

CHENEY: No, I think you cannot be blown off course by the fluctuations in the public opinion polls.

Fluctuations? To fluctuate, don’t they have to go up as well as down?

But you’ll notice he doesn’t even dispute the unpopularity of his policies, he just doesn’t care. I know this is an obvious point but, can you call a country a democracy if the opposition of the vast majority of its citizens to the waging of war counts for nothing in the eyes of its rulers?

He talked about all the achievements in Iraq, adding “And all of that goes up in a puff of smoke when the United States quits”. Some people might not define something so fragile as a success, but not Cheney.

He admitted that the “insurgency lasted longer than I would have anticipated,” but when asked if his prognostications could not have been a tad less, well, crappy, he responded, “I’m not sure how.” Well, if you hadn’t pressured, intimidated, ignored or fired everyone who didn’t say we’d be greeted as liberators...

Asked “What sacrifice have most Americans made?” he said, “Well, I think they’ve been asked to support the effort and the enterprise.” So they have been asked to sacrifice their intelligence and their humanity.

We will show the world that al Qaeda is the weak horse

I worry that McCain’s “gaffe” yesterday will be pass in the media for a simple verbal slip rather than profound ignorance.



If you turn up the sound when Lieberman’s whispering, you can hear that McCain just repeated Holy Joe’s words verbatim, like when Nancy Reagan told Ronnie to say “We’re doing everything we can.”

Bush gave a speech this morning to mark the beginning of the 6th year of war in Iraq. “[W]e’e helping the people of Iraq establish a democracy in the heart of the Middle East,” he said, speaking in the heart of the Pentagon, because in this democracy, he did not dare face the reaction he might receive if he gave such a speech in front of a crowd of ordinary American citizens.


Not that he knew what you call some of the people in uniforms he was addressing: “Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, Airmen and Coastmen -- Coast Guardmen [sic], thanks for coming.”

He said Saddam Hussein’s regime had to be removed because it “threatened free nations.” Which free nations? With what weapons?

He mentioned the rape rooms. Gotta mention the rape rooms.

“The terrorists who murder the innocent in the streets of Baghdad want to murder the innocent in the streets of America.” Who doesn’t appreciate a change of scenery?

“The surge,” he claimed, “is working.” “And as a return on our success in Iraq, we’ve begun bringing some of our troops home.” Note that he fumbled his own catch-phrase, “return on success,” using “return” as in “return on an investment.”


How is the “surge” working? By winning the hearts and minds of Iraqis (the mechanism by which this feat was accomplished is left unclear) against Al Qaida. That is, with the governance of Iraq still a sectarian shambles (he barely mentions the government, fails to bring up the “benchmarks,” and only mentions “reconciliation” once), he is declaring mission accomplished against the non-existent threat of Iraq being taken over by Al Qaida:

The surge has done more than turn the situation in Iraq around -- it has opened the door to a major strategic victory in the broader war on terror. For the terrorists, Iraq was supposed to be the place where al Qaeda rallied Arab masses to drive America out. Instead, Iraq has become the place where Arabs joined with Americans to drive al Qaeda out. In Iraq, we are witnessing the first large-scale Arab uprising against Osama bin Laden, his grim ideology, and his murderous network. And the significance of this development cannot be overstated.

THEY SHOOT HORSES, DON’T THEY? Osama evidently once said “When people see a strong horse and a weak horse, by nature they will like the strong horse.” Bush says, “By defeating al Qaeda in Iraq, we will show the world that al Qaeda is the weak horse.”

He mentioned one member of the military by name, Marine Gunnery Sgt William “Spanky” Gibson, whose lower leg was amputated after a sniper attack but managed to return to Iraq for another tour. “When Americans like Spanky Gibson serve on our side,” Bush proclaimed, “the enemy in Iraq doesn’t got a chance.”

Wherein is revealed how thousands of lives might have been saved

Lynndie England names the real Abu Ghraib villains: “I guess after the picture came out the insurgency picked up and Iraqis attacked the Americans and the British and they attacked in return and they were just killing each other. I felt bad about it ... no, I felt pissed off. If the media hadn’t exposed the pictures to that extent, then thousands of lives would have been saved.” She added that what she and her pals did to the prisoners is just the sort stuff that “happens in war.” I mean, do you know how many naked human pyramids there were in the Crimean War?

That’s Washington-speak for you’re fixing to receive some money

Quote of the day, from Ghana’s Interior Minister Kwamena Bartels: “When women strip themselves naked and stand by a major highway, that is not a peaceful demonstration.”

Today, Bush went to Jacksonville or, as he called it, J-ville.

HELLO SAILOR: “I’ve been in your stadium, I’ve been in your church -- I’ve never been on the docks. But if you’re interested in trying to figure out one of the reasons why this is one of America’s most vibrant cities, you got to come to the docks.” Or to put it another way, your stadium and your church really suck.

HE HAS AN MBA, YOU KNOW: “See, everybody here is working as a result of trade -- trade that happens and occurs right here on these docks.”


He talked about the mortgage crisis: “And it makes sense to help some person who is creditworthy find the capacity and understand where to refinance.” And he explained, “The more people live in their homes, the better off America is.” If they live under their homes, not so much. However, he also claimed “But no question there’s been a over-supply of housing, and it’s going to take time to work through this over-supply.” I’m not sure how that squares with the “the more people live in their homes, the better off America is” thing, but then I’m not an MBA.

DUMBING IT DOWN FOR US: “We also worked with Congress -- and I want to thank the members of Congress -- to pass a bipartisan economic growth package. That’s Washington-speak for you’re fixing to receive some money.”

FORGET ABOUT WHAT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING NOW: “But I want people to understand that in the long term we’re going to be just fine. People will still be able to work.”

WHAT HE’S NOT SAYING: “You know, one of the interesting signs of strength is that we’re the world’s leading exporter of goods and services. I’m not saying we’re second place or third place; we’re the world’s leading exporter.”


HOW DRUNK DO YOU HAVE TO BE NOT TO KNOW IF YOU’RE SITTING OR STANDING? “I’m sitting in -- standing in front of people that are all part of the process”.

Most of the speech was yet another push for passage of the free-trade agreement with Colombia.

IF THAT DOESN’T INTEREST YOU, THINK ABOUT TERMS: “You can think in terms of national security interests, but if that doesn’t interest you, think about terms of helping folks just like this make a living.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “Our fellow citizens have got to know that across the hemisphere and across the globe, people are waiting to see what the members of Congress will do. In other words, this isn’t just one of these isolated votes that gets no attention outside of Washington. This is a vote that is being observed very carefully by people across the world.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “Business leaders from many backgrounds, along with current and former senators, congressmans [sic], mayors, diplomats, national security council people, Cabinet members from both parties -- I emphasize, from both parties -- support this agreement. In other words, it’s just not me talking. There’s a lot of people who understand the importance of this agreement.” Congressmans?


IN OTHER WORDS: “So, in other words, if you’re somebody wondering whether you’re going to have a job, and a fellow comes along and says, ‘Would you like to be able to sell more goods to Colombia? After all, a quarter of your revenues go to Colombia,’ I think the answer ought to be, yes, we want to be able to access more of Colombia.” I’m confused: just who is this fellow who’s going to come along and say, “Would you like to be able to sell more goods to Colombia?” Does he just come up to people in supermarket parking lots and say, “Would you like to be able to sell more goods to Colombia?” If we see him, should we call the police?

WHAT EXPORT IS DOING: “Export is continuing.”

A successful endeavor

As always on St Patrick’s Day, Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern celebrated in the White House. He gave Bush a bunch of weeds shamrocks, which Bush enjoyed receiving just a little too much.


Other Bushies were scattered across the globe. Condi was in Moscow.

“Hey shorty, my eyes are up here.”

Dick Cheney was in Iraq today for “the fifth anniversary of the beginning of the campaign that liberated the Iraqi people from Saddam Hussein’s tyranny.” Sometimes you forget that these people are actually proud of this war, and that pride is not at all diminished by the fact that it’s still going on after five bloody years. In fact, the longer it goes on, the prouder they are, because it just shows their unwavering determination. He called the war “a difficult, challenging, but nonetheless successful endeavor; that we’ve come a long way in five years, and that it’s been well worth the effort.” He doesn’t use the word “war,” not in any of the three sets of public remarks he made in Iraq. It’s a campaign, an endeavor, an effort, not a war. It’s even “a real success story”.


By the way, remember that Defense Dept report last week that said that Saddam Hussein didn’t have links to Al Qaida? Cheney said that that report really said that “there was a relationship between Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda that went back a decade.”


Interestingly, Cheney and McCain never appeared together, although they were close enough that Maliki had back-to-back meetings with them. Here’s McCain with the governor of Ramadi.


Must-read (and I mean it: it will be on the final): David Bromwich, “Euphemism and American Violence,” New York Review of Books.

Challenging

This morning Bush, wearing his lucky St Patrick’s Day tie, met with Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and then made a statement about the economy. “One thing is for certain -- we’re in challenging times.” Or, as economists would phrase that, “Oh God, my portfolio, my portfolio!”

He thanked Paulson: “And I want to thank you, Mr. Secretary, for working over the weekend.” On his resume.

He cheerily reassured us that, just like Iraq, “In the long run, our economy is going to be fine.” However, everything you need to know about the economy in the short run you can tell, as always, by the expression on Paulson’s face.

Potato fraud

Headline of the Day, Story Which Inevitably Doesn’t Live Up to the Headline Division: “Two Men Arrested on Charges of Potato Fraud.”

Speaking of potato fraud, John McCain was in Iraq today (what, does every segue have to make sense?). He didn’t venture into a public market as he did last year, although he does seem to be wearing the same blue checked shirt under the same Velveeta-filled body armor.


I seem to be at a low creative ebb today, and planning to reserve all my remaining creativity for deciding which character in the HBO John Adams miniseries matches which character in The Wire (John Adams as McNulty? Abigail Adams as Kima? Samuel Adams as Omar? Alexander Hamilton as Clay Davis? Ben Franklin as Bunk? Jefferson as Bunny Colvin? Washington as Stringer Bell?), so all I seem to be able to come up with for this picture is an unworthy reference to a “surge” of urine when a car backfires. My friends, as McCain would say, that means it’s time for another Caption Contest!

Five down, 100 to go

Patrick Cockburn has an overview of the Iraq War, five years young this week! Sample: “The war was too easy. Consciously or subconsciously Americans came to believe it did not matter what Iraqis said or did. They were expected to behave like Germans or Japanese in 1945, though most of Iraqis did not think of themselves as having been defeated.”

McCain says the American military will not only be occupying Iraq for 100 years, but Afghanistan as well. So pack a couple of changes of underwear.

Caption contest, Hillary at a St Patrick’s Day parade in Pittsburgh:

And so what are the folks, the experts, guys like Hubbard, anticipate to happen?

The Netherlands legalizes gay sex in public parks. Plan your vacations accordingly.

This morning Bush spoke at the Economic Club of New York.

He admitted that “our economy obviously is going through a tough time.” And why might that be, o mighty Master of Business Administration? “First of all, in a free market, there’s going to be good times and bad times. That’s how markets work.”


WHAT WE ARE: “I believe that we’re a resilient economy.”

MAKING THEIR BILLS DO WHAT? “Hardworking Americans are concerned -- they’re concerned about their families, and they’re concerned about making their bills.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “The rebates haven’t been put in the mail yet. In other words, this aspect of the plan hasn’t taken to effect.”


ANTICIPATION: “And so what are the folks, the experts, guys like Hubbard, anticipate to happen?”

THOSE WHO LIKE SPECULATED IN HOMES: “The purpose of government ought to be to help the individuals, not those who, like -- who speculated in homes.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “It’s a program that’s given FHA greater flexibility to offer refinancing for struggling homeowners with otherwise good credit. In other words, we’re saying to people, we want to help you refinance your notes.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, we’ve got an active plan to help us get through this rough period.”

PRINCIPLES: “We’re always open for new ideas, but there are certain principles that we won’t violate. And one of the principles is overreacting by federal law and federal regulation that will have long-term negative effects on our economy.”


ONE THING THAT’S CERTAIN: “One thing that’s certain that Congress will do is waste some of your money.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, Congress has got this habit of just sticking these deals into bills without a vote”.

GIVING CONGRESS ITS MARCHING ORDERS: “And then once they pass the Colombia, they can pass Panama and South Korea, as well.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “a lot of folks are worried about their neighbors losing work. In other words, they fear jobs moving overseas.”


IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, a community college system -- the interesting thing about it, it’s probably the most market-driven education system in the United States.”

WHAT KIND OF A PERSON GEORGE IS: “I’m the kind of person who doesn’t give a darn about polls and focus groups, and I do what I think is right.”

ER, SOMETHING ABOUT GETTING TIRED: “And the danger of getting tired during this world [sic] is any retreat by the America -- by America was going to be to the benefit of those who want to do us harm.”

WHAT WE BETTER WORRY ABOUT: “And I’m saying, we better worry about the conditions that caused 19 kids to kill us in the first place.”

HE’S AN MBA, YOU KNOW: “You talk about the price of oil -- yeah, it’s high. It’s high because demand is greater than supply, is why it’s high.”

When war criminals meet (Caption Contest):

Number 5 in the series “Everything You Need to Know About the Economy You Can Tell By the Expression on Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s Face”

He saw the dangers that hopelessness was the only way that these ideologues could recruit suicide bombers

Last night, George Bush went to two dinners. The man loves to eat.

The first dinner was that of the National Republican Congressional Committee.

He told them that only Republicans are Americans, or have American values, or something: “We represent the values of the American people. Our ideas are the ones embraced by the folks.”

That wasn’t the most odious thing he said. That would be this: “We’re under threat, ladies and gentlemen, and yet the House leaders blocked meaningful, substantial legislation that will help protect America for the sake of class-action trial lawyers.”

WE’VE GOT A RECORD: “Now we’ve got a record on which side will not raise your taxes.”

HE MADE A FUNNY: “Let me be clear about this: milk expires, taxes increase.”

BAD BILL! BAD! “The Democrat version of protecting America is a bad bill.”

EVER: “Removing Saddam Hussein was the right decision early in my presidency, it is the right decision now, and it will be the right decision ever.”

HE SAW THE DANGERS: And he told the story about Koizumi and Graceland AGAIN! “He is a good pal.” Really? Have you heard from him since he left office? “[W]hen he was in office, right after the attacks of September the 11th, he clearly saw the dangers and the opportunities. He saw the dangers that hopelessness was the only way that these ideologues could recruit suicide bombers.”

We’ll keep the red flag flying here

His next meal was the Kuwait-America Foundation’s Stand for Africa Gala Dinner.

He began by talking about Jenna’s forthcoming marriage: “So the guy comes to see me, and he says, I want to marry your daughter. I said, done deal.” Classy.

IS HE, ER, IT? “I thank the Diplomatic Corps who is here, as well.”

He recalled a conversation with Condi: “I can remember early on in my administration -- she was the National Security Advisor then -- and she said, I presume you’re going to pay attention to Africa. And I said, that’s a good presumption, because I believe to whom much is given, much is required.” Wouldn’t it be funny if they really did have that exact conversation? “And I firmly believe we’re required to respond to human tragedy when we see it.” Note the equation. Africa = human tragedy.


Others, however, did not presume he would pay attention to Africa. “So, my friends in Texas say, you know, don’t we have enough problems here at home?” Do these “friends in Texas” actually exist, or are they like the girlfriend no one’s seen because she “goes to a different school”? Also, you’ll note that even his imaginary friends are major douchebags.

Fortunately, he always sets his imaginary douchebag friends in Texas straight: “And then I remind them that we’re living in a very difficult period in the history of the world. After all, we’re witnessing an ideological struggle between those who kill the innocent to achieve political objectives and those who believe in human dignity and human rights and human freedom.” And other human stuff. That’s another conversation I could so totally picture actually happening. He did not say how his imaginary douchebag friends in Texas respond.

“But one thing is for certain: that this enemy we face cannot possibly find recruits based upon their vision. Their vision for life is so dark and so dim and so degrading that it’s impossible for them to recruit unless they find hopeless situations.” Like listening to George W. Bush. Ah, that’s what happened to George’s his imaginary douchebag friends in Texas: they all joined Al Qaida.

By the way, dark and dim and degrading... oh, insert your own Eliot Spitzer joke here.

Dull as Darling

British newspapers employ creatures called parliamentary sketchwriters, who cover Parliament as theater. American newspapers have no equivalent, that’s why God invented blogs. But what do sketchwriters do with speeches that are important but less than completely enthralling, such as yesterday’s budget speech by Chancellor the Exchequer Alistair Darling? They try to write entertainingly about how boring it was. Some examples:

Jackie Ashley of the Guardian, in an article entitled “Darling, Doyen of Dull”:

It may well be the dullest budget of my adult lifetime. It was so boring that, at times, the chancellor’s gentle drone seemed to be sending even him to sleep.

Ann Treneman of the Times:

Mr Darling smiled, for he’d wanted to be dull. It was his theory that, when the world economy is in the lurch, Britain didn’t want excitement. It wanted dull and, though it may be immodest of him to think such a thing, he thought he may have delivered exactly that. ...

“Dull, dull, dull!” praised an observer, eyes indeed dulled. ...

This speech was better than Valium, in whatever quantities. It was stupendously, doggedly and phantasmagorically dull. ...

Here, then, are my tips on how to be as dull as Darling:

– Talk about stability. In the first minute, he said it six times. Whenever there was a natural pause, he mumbled “stability”. It was a comfort word. The only possible conclusion is we are living in very unstable times.

– In the middle, talk about nothing. The speech was 52 minutes long and, except for the beginning and end, it was gloop. If this was a sandwich, the filling was a Treasury’s version of fish paste: mashed up footnotes that smell a bit funny.

Quentin Letts of the Daily Mail, “So Boring He Even Stupefied Himself”:

Eyeballs swivelled in sockets until the whites faced outwards. Westminster was turned into Torpor-on-Thames. ...

Geoffrey Howe, upstairs in the peers' gallery, lasted about ten minutes before he drifted away with the fairies, lucky swine. ...

A man from the SDLP staggered out of the Chamber mid-Budget, possibly in search of black coffee or a loaded revolver.

Simon Carr of the Independent:

The statistics produced by the Budget make very gloomy reading. Fabricated surprise up 27 per cent. Muffled indignation and ostentatious chatting – up 17 per cent. Stifled yawns, glazed expressions and numbed buttocks – up by a whopping 62 per cent. “But we must do more,” the Chancellor kept saying, followed by sage nodding (up 12 per cent) from the ex-chancellor beside him.

I’m convinced most people don’t want to try to sneak into America to work

Today Bush spoke, bilingually, to the U.S. Hispanic Chamber of Commerce. He brought much of the Cabinet with him. “These are people who are here to put an exclamation point on the subject I’m going to discuss with you today.” Including one of those cute little upside-downy ones y’all got.

He spent most of the speech pushing for ratification of the free-trade agreement with Colombia. He did this in two ways: 1) he said it would be a reward to Colombia for allegedly being a democracy and not hating the US too much, 2) he claimed free trade creates freedom, because it has the word free right in it; see where it says “free trade”? “Trade also serves a broader strategic purpose. When we enter into free trade agreements, we reinforce commitments to democracy, and transparency, and rule of law. ... In other words, trade helps democracies flourish”.


He contrasted the fine democracy of Colombia with the regime (he used the word three times) in Venezuela. See if you can spot the crucial fact he leaves out of this account:

Earlier this month, Colombian forces killed one of FARC’s most senior leaders -- a man believed to be responsible for trafficking cocaine and murdering hundreds of people. And the response to all this action reveals the challenges that Colombia faces. The President of Venezuela praised the terrorist leader as a ‘good revolutionary,’ and ordered his troops to the Colombian border.

Yes, he forgot to mention that Colombian forces assassinated Raul Reyes in Ecuador, not Colombia, without which tiny detail you might wonder why Chavez got so worked up.


What else has Venezuela done? “[S]enior regime officials have met with FARC leaders in Venezuela.” You mean when they were negotiating for the release of hostages at the express invitation of Colombia’s government?

Here’s my favorite sentence: “the region is facing an increasingly stark choice: to quietly accept the vision of the terrorists and the demagogues, or to actively support democratic leaders like President Uribe.” Just as he liked to conflate Saddam Hussein and Al Qaida, here he is claiming that Chavez (one of those “demagogues”) shares the exact same “vision” as the terrorists.


WHAT NEIGHBORS ARE WORRYING ABOUT: “There’s neighbors worrying about neighbors losing jobs.”

HE’S GOT AN MBA, YOU KNOW: “The more choices available, the better it is for a consumer. The more competition it is for a product, the less likely it is the price will rise.”

CATCHY: “You know, some have called for a ‘timeout’ from trade. I guess that’s probably popular with the focus group. You know, they toss out the word ‘timeout’ from trade -- it’s got this kind of catchy little title to it.”


IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, we’re focusing money to help people get the skills necessary to fill the jobs that are available in America. And when you get education, you’re a more productive worker, which means you’re going to get paid more money. That’s what that means.” He’s got an MBA, you know.

WHAT HE’S CONVINCED OF: “I’m convinced most people don’t want to try to sneak into America to work.”

YOU SAY POTATO, I SAY REFRIED BEANS, LET’S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF: “It’s mutually beneficial for Canada, the United States and America -- I mean, Mexico.”

They’ve got the capacity to blow people up through suicide

From Radio Prague: “The National Advertising Council has ruled that an advertisement billboard featuring Czech Foreign Minister Karel Schwarzenberg seemingly dozing at a session of Parliament is unethical and should be removed from all public places. The council concluded that the energy drink ad damaged the minister’s image and was used without his consent. The Foreign Ministry has distanced itself from the controversy surrounding the ad, with a spokesperson saying that the foreign minister was not asleep but ‘immersed deep in thought’.”

Speaking of immersed deep in thought, today George Bush spoke at the National Religious Broadcasters’ convention.

A WRATHFUL AND A VENGEFUL GOD: “I was very young when I first learned about obedience to a higher power -- and my mother sends her best to you.”

FUCKING CALVINISTS! “I know most of you, if not all of you, believe -- that every man, woman and child on the face of the Earth has been given the great gift of liberty by an Almighty God.”

Heaven pointy

He addressed the greatest fear of his audience of religious broadcasters. No, not declining morality, war, poverty, gay marriage, or the release of the rest of the Emperor’s Club’s client list, but rather, fairness: “Some members of Congress want to reinstate a regulation that was repealed 20 years ago. It has the Orwellian name called the Fairness Doctrine.” Because if the word “Orwellian” means anything, it means ensuring a multiplicity of viewpoints on the public airways: “Supporters of this regulation say we need to mandate that any discussion of so-called controversial issues on the public airwaves includes equal time for all sides.”

Controversial issues are not the only things Bush finds to be “so-called.” He also referred to the “so-called Fairness Doctrine” and to “so-called balance” (twice).

He added, “If Congress truly supports the free and open exchange of ideas, then there is a way they can demonstrate that right now. Republicans have drafted legislation that would ban reinstatement of the so-called Fairness Doctrine.” Er, don’t you mean “supports the free and open exchange of idea”?

Heaven pointy

Then he turned for the remaining speech to a subject sure to warm the heart of these broadcasters religious: war.

He said of the 9/11 hijackers, “These murderers were not instruments of a heavenly power; they were instruments of evil.” But at least we can all agree that they were instruments.

IN OTHER WORDS: “And of course, the two most notable theaters in this ideological struggle are Afghanistan and Iraq. Some seem to believe that one of these battles is worth fighting and the other isn’t -- in other words, there is a good war and a bad war.”

“[I]n Afghanistan, you say democracy, they’re not exactly sure what you’re talking about.” Dude, it’s not just in Afghanistan, and it’s not just when you talk about democracy that people aren’t exactly sure what you’re talking about.


IN OTHER WORDS: “Now the Taliban and its allies are seeking to launch new attacks against the people. In other words, these are relentless killers.”

“We saw the nature of the enemy just over a month ago when they sent two mentally retarded, troubled Iraqi women wearing suicide vests into crowded marketplaces.” Er, hasn’t that been debunked?

IN OTHER WORDS: “And as a return on our success -- in other words, as we get more successful, troops are able to come home. They’re not coming home based upon defeat, or based upon opinion polls, or based upon focus groups, or based upon politics.”

WHAT THEY’VE GOT THE CAPACITY TO DO: “They’ve got the capacity to blow people up through suicide”.

And we’ve got Americans, who heal the broken hearts of little Iraqi girls

Bush is in Tennessee today. At the airport he met with a Dr. Karla Christian, who performed free heart surgery on an Iraqi girl. Said Bush, “And the contrast couldn’t be more vivid. We got people in Iraq who murder the innocent to achieve their political objectives -- and we’ve got Americans, who heal the broken hearts of little Iraqi girls.” And other Americans, who turn those actions into self-congratulatory photo ops.

Last year some Nicaraguan banana plantation workers successfully sued Dole for using chemicals that made them sterile. Well, last week a superior court judge overturned the verdict and greatly reduced the damages award, citing the fact that the damages happened, you know, a long time ago, and saying that punitive damages shouldn’t be awarded against “a domestic corporation for injuries that occurred only in a foreign country”. Of course they were suing in American courts in the first place because when other workers sued in Nicaraguan courts and were awarded damages, Dole simply refused to pay up. This ruling will affect other pending cases. Dole’s lawyer Rick McKnight says, “These cases will dry up, and they should,” adding, “Hey, you know what else dried up? The sperm of our Central American plantation workers.” I may have made up that last bit.

Bush and Tusk

This morning, Bush met with Poland’s Prime Minister Donald Tusk. This is Prime Minister Tusk.



He thanked Prime Minister Tusk (yes, I’m quite enjoying writing “Prime Minister Tusk” over and over): “I also thank you to help the young democracy in Afghanistan survive and thrive and flourish. And some day, Mr. Prime Minister, people are going to say Afghanistan did exactly the same thing that happened in Poland -- people realized the blessings of liberty, and out of those blessings flow peace.” Poland, Afghanistan, really exactly alike when you think about it, if you squint really hard and hit yourself on the head with a mallet.



WHAT IS IMPORTANT: “It’s important for our allies to -- when they are worried about the modernization of their forces that friends respond, and we’re responding.” Responding with gibberish, evidently, but at least we’re responding, and that’s the important thing.

He and Prime Minister Tusk discussed “the significant threat to the 21st century, or perhaps the most significant is the launch of a missile with dangerous materials in its warhead.” As opposed to a missile with borscht in its warhead.

THESE SUCH TYPES: “Technologies are developing that will enable the free world to be able to defend itself from blackmail and/or strife from these such types of launches.” So we’re developing an anti-blackmail and/or strife defense system (ABSDS).



Next week, Cheney will begin a trip to the Middle East, to visit his oil. According to Bush, “His goal is to reassure people...” Cheney? “...that the United States is committed to a vision of peace...” Cheney?? “...in the Middle East, that we expect relevant parties to obligate themselves -- uphold their obligations on the road map.” He added, “The Vice President will be taking a very hopeful message...” CHENEY??!? “...to the Middle East that progress in Iraq is necessary for peace in the Middle East.” That’s a very hopeful message? That progress in Iraq is necessary for peace in the Middle East? Isn’t that more like a “boy are you guys fucked” message?



Speaking of the road map that we expect relevant parties to obligate themselves – uphold their obligations on, “the Secretary of State is dispatching the general that we named to be the coordinator of road map activities to the Middle East, for him to conduct meetings with the relevant parties.” No reporter asked Legacy Boy if he could remember the name of that general.



I’m sure some of you find the Middle East to be a complex and baffling place. Fortunately, George Bush is here to simplify it for you: “There are three major forces that are -- we’re now witnessing in the Middle East. Two of those forces adhere to peace: Israel and the forces of President Abbas. And then there’s one force in the Middle East, and some suspect that they’re funded from outside governments and outside movements, all aiming to destabilize democracy; all aiming to prevent the vision where people can live side by side in peace; all wanting to destroy Israel.” See, isn’t that simple and easy to understand? Wait, who are the forces that adhere to peace again?

Bully

McCain has a new ad comparing himself to Churchill and Teddy Roosevelt.



But what was TR referring to when he said, “Surely there never was a fight better worth making than the one which we are in”?

Josh Narins discovers that it is the fight of the Bull Moose (Progressive) Party in 1912 against “this invisible government... the unholy alliance between corrupt business and corrupt politics”. Possibly not the fight McCain had in mind.

Trained

The Italian Supreme Court, which as far as this blog is concerned rules only on matters relating to sex, has ruled that it is okay to lie to the police about your adulterous affairs.

In his weekly radio address, Bush justified vetoing the intelligence authorization bill, which would have banned waterboarding and other forms of torture, confining the CIA to those forms of violent interrogation set out in the Army Field Manual. He calls the things the CIA does to people’s bodies “specialized interrogation procedures” (as opposed to general ones), which he assures us are “safe and lawful techniques.” The English language is being tortured to breaking point here. Safe torture. Lawful torture (what law? he does not say). Even “techniques” is pretty creepy when you think about it.

He says the Army Field Manual methods are not sufficient because they are “designed for use by soldiers questioning lawful combatants captured on the battlefield. They were not intended for intelligence professionals trained to question hardened terrorists.” Really, it’s all about the training. On both sides: “Shortly after 9/11, we learned that key al Qaida operatives had been trained to resist the methods outlined in the manual.” So, it’s okay for trained intelligence professionals to torture trained professional terrorists, as long as everyone’s had the right training.

Hillary the monster

Obama aide Samantha Power has been fired for saying that Hillary Clinton is a “monster.”

Of course Hillary is not a monster....

But if she were a monster,

more at twiigs.com...

You may vote for another form of monster, or explain your answer, in comments.

I call them evil

Today, Bush met with the last surviving American veteran of World War I, 107-year old Frank Woodruff Buckles,


and visited the Dept of Heimat Security to, um, celebrate its 5th anniversary with its head, 107-year old Michael Chertoff.


Doesn’t “Bush and Buckles” sound like an old vaudeville act? Anyway, Bush learned a great deal from Corp. Buckles. For example, did you know that before World War II, there was this whole other war?

“I asked him where he lived, and he said, that reminds me of what General Pershing asked me.” Holy shit, you know?

I wrote that line about um, celebrating the anniversary before reading his actual remarks: “I’m really pleased to join you on the fifth anniversary of the creation of the department of Homeland Security. Man, does time fly. (Laughter.)” People named Mohammed, not so much.

VERB TENSES – NOT THAT I NEED TO TELL YOU PEOPLE THIS – ARE NOT HIS FRIEND: “I don’t think we would have predicted that five years later there had not been another attack on us.”

However, this DHS employee couldn’t even stop an attack by President Inappropriate Touching.


LIFT AND SEPARATE: “[On 9/11] we found that oceans which separate us from separate -- different continents no longer separate us from danger.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “We saw the cruelty of the terrorists and extremists, and we glimpsed the future they intend for us. In other words, there’s some serious lessons on September the 11th that it’s important for all Americans to remember.”

FOR SOME PEOPLE – AND I’M NOT NAMING ANY NAMES HERE – ANY THOUGHT AT ALL IS INCONVENIENT: “At this moment, somewhere in the world, a terrorist is planning an attack on us. I know that’s inconvenient thought for some, but it is the truth.”

WHY HE CALLS THEM EVIL: “We’re in a battle with evil men -- I call them evil because if you murder the innocent to achieve a political objective, you’re evil.” Yes, but do they have devil horns? Do they?


IS SOMEONE FEELING UNAPPRECIATED? “And perhaps, on this fifth anniversary, the message will get through that there’s a lot of dedicated, decent, honorable folks working their hearts out to protect the country.”

NOT THE PORN, PLEASE LORD NOT THE PORN! “Our enemies understand that America’s economy relies on uninterrupted use of the Internet -- and that a devastating attack in cyberspace would be a massive blow to our economy and way of life.”

BUT NO PORN FOR AL QAIDA EITHER: “Our strategy is to deny the terrorists safe haven anywhere in the world -- and that includes a virtual safe haven on the Internet.”

A FREE SOCIETY DOES WHAT? WHAT DOES A FREE SOCIETY DO? WHY WON’T YOU TELL US? “Even all these steps -- with even all these steps, we know that a free society -- there’s no such thing as perfect security.”


Two sentences later: “To attack us, the terrorists only have to be right once; to stop them, we need to be right 100 percent of the time.” Dude, you can’t even form a coherent sentence, and we’re supposed to trust you to be “right” 100% of the time? And by the way, the terrorists don’t have to be “right,” they need to succeed; that’s one of those statements that sounds good without completely making sense.

MAYBE HE MEANT COMPACT ASSISTANTS: “We’ve helped establish mutual aid agreements within states, and strengthened the Emergency Management Assistant [sic] Compact among states”.

Baked potato with sour cream and bacon bits?

Genital-Related Political Rhetoric of the Day: The British LibDem leadership decided that the party’s MPs would abstain from a vote on holding a referendum in Britain on the Lisbon Treaty (which reorganizes the EU executive in a sensible way, but as such affects national sovereignty and therefore in this blog’s opinion does require a vote of the people), even after new leader Nick Clegg (whose name I would find silly if it belonged to a fictional private detective, a tough loner who always wears a trench coat even though he lives in L.A. for God’s sake, but which I simply adore when it is attached to a British MP, particularly a leader of the Liberal Democrats) said that supporters of the EU lacked the “cojones” to hold such a referendum. In the parliamentary debate yesterday, William Hague, of all people, said of the LibDems, “This might explain why their interventions have become ever more shrill. They have become separated from their cojones. These unfortunate objects are now to be found, impaled on a distant fence.”

The prime minister of Finland, Matti Vanhanen, failed to win a lawsuit against his former mistress, who published a book which revealed that he liked to take a sauna before sex and eat beef and potatoes after it. Romance, Finnish style: “Once, when he kissed me, he said that I tasted better than baked potato.” He met her on an internet dating site, and dumped her by text message.

In reproduction news, India will reward parents who do not kill their infant daughters, and Turkmenistan will pay about $250 to women who bear eight or more children, as well as free rides on public transportation and dental care.

Bush endorses McCain: Determination to defeat an enemy, and a heart big enough to love those who hurt

Bush endorsed McCain today. While waiting for McCain to show up, he did a little dance for the press corps. Seriously, he did a little dance.


As the London Times put it, “He shuffled his feet, then did a little jig. ‘I’m just going to tap dance a little,’ the leader of the free world explained.” I can’t find video I can embed, but click here if you’re using Internet Explorer, or here to use an external media player (short ad first, sorry).


I’m struck by how little he allowed McCain to speak, how he meandered and filibustered and made the event all about him.


Which might explain why, when discussing how Bush might campaign for him in the future, McCain said it would depend on Bush’s busy schedule, using the words busy schedule or heavy schedule no fewer than five times.


Bush seemed a little confused about what job McCain currently holds: “He’s a President, and he’s going to be the President who will bring determination to defeat an enemy, and a heart big enough to love those who hurt.” Or possibly vice versa. Indeed, Bush seemed a little confused about whether McCain was a human being or some sort of inanimate object: “It’s a man who cares a lot about the less fortunate among us.”

The faces of your Republican Party. The hideous, hideous faces.

WHAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE EXPECT: “Let me start off by saying that in 2000 I said, vote for me, I’m an agent of change. In 2004, I said, I’m not interested in change -- I want to continue as President. Every candidate has got to say ‘change.’ That’s what the American people expect.”

I met some of the wind boys

This morning, Bush spoke at the Washington International Renewable Energy Conference.

He began, “I probably didn’t help today when I rode over in a 20-car motorcade,” totally preempting the joke I was going to make.

WHICH IS WHY WE WATER THEM EVERY DAY. “we want people who are living in poverty to be able to grow out of poverty”

THEY, WE... STOOPID PRONOUNS. “I’ve come today to tell you that America is the kind of country that when they see a problem, we address it head-on.”

IN OTHER WORDS WHOSE SUBJECT AND OBJECT ARE NOT IN AGREEMENT: “In other words, the two most vulnerable areas to economic disruption happens to be automobile use and electric power.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “We’re providing tax incentives to people to buy these fuel-efficient vehicles. In other words, the government is saying if you buy one, we’ll give you a little incentive to do so.”

ER... “I met some of the wind boys.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words -- I hope you’re excited by these statistics; I certainly am.”

IMAGINE: “If you really think about what would have been said in 2000 compared to today, imagine what’s going to be said 10 years from now compared to today.”

But who would want to?

A very strong effort to spare innocent life

Condi on the Vanity Fair article: “I can’t comment on an article that I have not read.”

And yesterday in Ramallah, Condi suggested to Israel, “There should really be a very strong effort to spare innocent life.” Meanwhile, Israeli troops shot dead a one-month old baby girl. So we’ll take that as a no.

Show us what a state looks like

Today Bush met with King Abdullah of Jordan.

WHAT WE APPRECIATE: “We appreciate the heart when it comes to people -- your heart when it comes to people who suffer.”


IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, there is a -- people say, well, you always set -- you’re hesitant to set timetables. But there happens to be a timetable as far as I’m concerned, and that is, I’m leaving office.”

WHAT A LOT OF PALESTINIANS ARE SAYING: “But a lot of Palestinians are probably -- are saying, we’ve heard this kind of rhetoric before -- show us what a state looks like.”


MOVED... FLED IN FEAR FOR THEIR LIVES... WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE, EXCEPT ONE INVOLVES MORE BUBBLE WRAP? “there are roughly three-quarters of a million Iraqi citizens who have moved to Jordan.”

And that geographic fact is not going to change

Condi Rice talked to reporters yesterday before heading to the Middle East, I guess before the release of the Vanity Fair article about how she & the Bushies pushed Abbas to overturn the Hamas election victory two years ago, which I thought we already knew. Anyway, Condi is pushing the rather odd claim that Hamas is “trying to arrest progress toward a Palestinian state. And everybody should be very clear that that’s what Hamas is trying to do. ... those who sit outside the consensus, like Hamas, are going to have a lot of questions to answer about why they don’t want the Palestinians to have a viable Palestinian state.” Someone be sure to ask them those questions, if you can hear the answers over the sound of Israeli air strikes.

Doing that completely-un-self-aware thing the Bushies are so good at, she said, “Well, the only thing that Hamas can lay claim to is fomenting instability and violence.”

Asked if Russia’s presidential elections were free and fair, she said simply (and not at all evasively), “I would say that Russia now has a new president.”

Asked about Iran President Ahmadinejad’s visit to Iraq, she explained, “Iran is a neighbor; that’s a geographic fact. And that geographic fact is not going to change.” Just in case you thought that geographic fact might change, now you know. It won’t.

Snatching defeat

In all of Bush’s hectoring demands for retroactive immunity for the telecoms for illegal wiretapping, what I’ve most enjoyed is Bush, who is not known for his mastery of verb tenses, being forced to employ the conditional. Today, for example, he spoke thusly to the National Association of Attorneys General (NAAG!): “If any of the companies believed to have helped us -- I’m just going to tell you, they were told it was legal by the government.” “Now the question is, should these lawsuits be allowed to proceed, or should any company that may have helped save American lives be thanked for performing a patriotic service; should those who stepped forward to say we’re going to help defend America have to go to the courthouse to defend themselves, or should the Congress and the President say thank you for doing your patriotic duty? I believe we ought to say thank you.” And you know what’s always a nice thank you present? Immunity for breaking the law.

By the way, have you thanked your telephone and internet providers yet?

Don’t you think you should?

Me neither.

Later, there was some sort of ceremony with Gen. Odierno. Bush told
him, “And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq.” Of course, then the defeat was all covered with the saliva of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq, which is kind of gross.

A clear distinction

White House spokesmodel Gordon D. Johndroe, defending Israeli air strikes on Gaza: “There is a clear distinction between terrorist rocket attacks that target civilians and action in self-defense.” See, it’s okay to kill civilians so long as you don’t target civilians.

Meaningful

In Crawford, Bush met with Danish Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen of Denmark and held a press conference.

Bush assured us that the meeting was meaningful: “Pretty good guests when you can have a meaningful mountain bike ride at sunset, and then at sunrise, and the man not even break into a sweat.”


THAT’LL HAPPEN WHEN YOU GET A BAD PIECE OF HERRING: “And I congratulate you, Mr. Prime Minister, for having a vision.”


A VISION AND A HAMBURGER: “And I’m now looking forward to giving the man a hamburger after answering a couple of questions.” Then George will ask him the question he was born to ask: “Would you like fries with that?”


Iranian President Ahmadinejad is visiting Iraq, and Bush has some helpful advice to the Iraqis about what to say to him: “And the message needs to be, quit sending in sophisticated equipment that’s killing our citizens...” Quit it! “...and that the message will be that we’re negotiating a long-term security agreement with the United States precisely because we want enough breathing space for our democracy to develop.” He makes it sound like a training bra.


IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, Secretary Gates made -- said, look, if we’re going to fight as an alliance, let’s fight as an alliance.”


And then the two walked away, gazing deeply into each other’s eyes, right into a patch of cactus. Some people might consider that a metaphor of some sort.