Unfortunate

It’s always nice to have the moral high-ground, isn’t it? Condi Rice was asked by a reporter about the possibility of exchanging Haleh Esfandiari and the other Iranian-Americans arrested by Iran for the 5 Iranians seized in Iraq in January. She said, “the two are simply not linked,” calling the arrests of the former “a perversion of the rule of law.” Whereas the latter, of course, have been held according to no rule or law, so there can hardly be a perversion of the rule of law, now can there?

Some testimony from the Haditha Massacre hearings was just released. Lt. Alexander Martin looked on the bright side: after the massacre, he said, Haditha residents became more cooperative, offering tips about IEDs. That’ll happen when you slaughter 24 innocent civilians in response to an IED. And Lt. Max Frank testified that when he arrived on the scene, he thought it was “unfortunate” but hadn’t been done on purpose. He was told by Lt. Adam Mathes, who we have seen before talking about the enemy’s disregard for human life, wanted the Marines not to issue an apology, arguing that “the best way to explain this to the Iraqi people” would be to tell them, “It’s an unfortunate thing that happens when you let terrorists use your house to attack our troops.” Let’s make this very plain: he wanted to tell Iraqis that what happened in Haditha, a lethal mass reprisal against civilians in response to an attack on American soldiers, is American policy.

We are determined to benchmarks

Bush and Iraqi President Talabani met this afternoon, and exchanged remarks in their common language, broken English.


Talabani agreed with everything Bush said, including that the main problem in Iraq is Al Qaida. Also, those benchmark things. Bush: “I told the President that I’m fully committed to helping the Iraqi government achieve important objectives, we call them benchmarks”. Talabani: “we are determined to benchmarks”.

You’d talk funny too if these guys were watching you while you spoke.


This morning, Bush spoke to the United States Global Leadership Council, whatever that might be, about helping the poor people of the world by bringing them into the joys of globalized capitalism. “If you’re interested in helping the poor people, you ought to be for trade and opening up markets for their goods and services.” He gave as an example of such a success story a Malagasy village which used to make charcoal out of firewood, presumably for the heating and cooking needs of other poor villagers, but is now selling something the world economy values so much more, “a natural oil used in skin care products.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “We’re focusing increased American assistance for developing nations on three key goals -- in other words, we have some goals, we’re not just going to spend money.

K-i-s-s-i-n-g

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Crime of the week: “A manager at a fast-food restaurant was shot several times in the arm early Tuesday trying to protect the chili sauce, authorities said.”

Headline of the week: “Italian Doctor Builds New, More Natural Vagina.” (If you build it, they will come.) (Sorry.)

The Malaysian supreme court ruled that, despite a theoretical freedom of religion in the constitution, a woman who converted to Christianity (and renamed herself Lina Joy) is still legally a Muslim whether she likes it or not. Said one of the court’s judges, “She cannot simply, at her own whim [the BBC translation is “at whim and fancy”], enter or leave her religion. She must follow rules.” Which would require her to get a sharia court to issue a certificate of apostasy.

By the way, I so want a certificate of apostasy.

The little detail left out of many of the news stories about this case (which make it sound as if the only issue is how she is identified on her identity card) is that the reason Ms. Joy set out on her seven-year journey through the Malaysian legal system (some of which she had to spend in hiding) because she wanted to marry a fellow Catholic, and “Muslims” are only allowed to marry Muslims.

The Taliban shot down their first foreign helicopter in a couple of years today, killing 5 American military personnel and two non-American passengers.

Bush spoke to a reception of the New Joisey Republican Committee tonight. He said, “I believe you win elections by telling the people what you believe, not necessarily what they want to hear.” So he told them that he believes in tax cuts: “If you believe in cutting taxes, it means you trust you to spend your money better than the government can.”

He believes you have to kill terrorists: “Oh, I know there’s a big debate about how to deal with these folks. I will just tell you my view. You can’t ration [sic] with them. You can’t compromise with them.”

On Iraq: “I had to choose between allowing the sectarian violence that was beginning to get out of hand to continue to foster...” Or even adopt. “I believe that if we allowed the sectarian violence to rage in that young democracy, it could create chaos”. Ya think? “And a knowing enemy realized there was being progress -- progress was being made, and they want to stop it.”

This was Bush before the speech:


This was him after the speech, possibly auditioning for the part of Billy Flynn in a revival of “Chicago.”


And where were the Bush women? Er...


Jenna and Elmo are color-coordinated. Also, if she drinks just one more cosmo, he is so getting lucky tickled tonight.

And if you can see progress in war that means you’re headed in the right direction

Joe Lieberman is in Iraq, nattily attired.


He told (video) a reporter, “Overall, I would say what I see here today is progress, significant progress from the last time I was here in December. And if you can see progress in war that means you’re headed in the right direction.” She chose to ask him about the high number of American troops deaths (which he says are “high this month,” as if it’s a momentary blip and they were not high last month and the month before that, and says are because the military is “out in the city and other cities but particularly in the capital city, and we’re having a positive effect”), so she didn’t ask him what form this significant progress that he claims to have seen takes. In the past, for example, he has declared satellite dishes proof of progress.

Another Republican candidate for president and what’re the odds it would be another rich white guy? Really, what’re the odds? I speak of course of Fred Thompson, the poor man’s Joe Don Baker.

Bush has named Robert Zoellick to run the World Bank. In his announcement, Bush praised capitalism: “Some call this globalization; I call it the triumph of human liberty”. But, Bush notes, there are a billion people in the world living on less than $1 a day. Zoellick, he says, is “committed to doing something about it.” Translate it into Italian lire, for example. Bush thinks all that poverty is because there isn’t enough globalization triumph of human liberty, not enough domination of local economies by multi-national corporations.

Bush followed up with a five-year plan for AIDS, a “modern-day plague.” You know the word modern is meant to compare it to biblical plagues rather than, say, medieval ones. In fact, I leave it as an exercise for the reader to count how the number of biblical allusions in Bush’s announcement. “Despairing families who had lost everything to AIDS started to believe that they had been cursed by the Almighty God,” he said. But that was before George Bush’s AIDS initiative, of course. “Once again, the generosity of the American people is one of the great untold stories of our time.” Evidently, an HIV diagnosis is no longer a death sentence in Africa. Anyway, he wants Congress to approve $6 billion a year for the next five years. This money would be spent through a program that requires that 7% be wasted on abstinence propaganda. Bush said that Laura will be going to Africa soon. “I really thank her for her concern about HIV/AIDS. She and I share a passion.” Dude, forget spending money on abstinence, just tell them about how you and Laura share a passion. That’ll put them right off the whole idea of sex.

Then he played with a four-year old South African boy (I don’t think he has HIV, but his mother does).


Baron Misoma Loyiso Tantoh tries to teach Chimpy how to walk.

“No, George, your other right leg.”

Our collateral damage allowance is zero

Chavez gave another of those speeches which every broadcaster was required to transmit, in which he offered a little media criticism to the last remaining opposition network, or as he called them, “enemies of the homeland”: “I recommend they take a tranquiliser, that they slow down, because if not, I’m going to slow them down.” Globovision covered the protests against the closing of RCTV or, as Chavez is calling them, “this new fascist attack.” In its first day, the state-run TVES which replaced RCTV evidently aired an anti-capitalist Pinocchio cartoon. The mind boggles.

Saw a bit of TVES on YouTube, though not the Pinocchio bit. Those Venezuelans do love to roll their R’s, don’t they?

Brig. Gen. Bill Hyatt, the highest US Air Force officer in Afghanistan, says that they really do try not to bomb too many civilians. “Our collateral damage allowance is zero.” He added, “If we’ve got bad guys but all of a sudden there’s a school next door and there are kids next door, we’re not going to bomb.” In my experience, schools don’t generally materialize all of a sudden next door. Possibly it’s an Afghan thing.

Also in Afghanistan, our Military Name of the Week, a Dutch NATO commander: Major General Ton van Loon. Oh, I’m sure his is a distinguished, even hallowed name in the Netherlands, but outside of it... well, just see if this sounds authoritative to you: “‘If you don’t have a comprehensive approach in Afghanistan, you will not make progress,’ van Loon said.”

Think about a system in which there’s tremendous document forgery

US ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker met with the Iranian ambassador to Iraq, and afterwards complained about Iranian interference in its neighbor: “Right now their actions are running at cross purposes to their stated policy.” And the US’s stated policy in Iraq is to create democracy, reconciliation and end terrorism, so what’s your point?

At the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center in Georgia, Bush gave yet another speech about immigration reform, a plan without amnesty, without animosity, and without anemones, a plan which “makes it more likely we can enforce our border and, at the same time, uphold the great traditions of -- immigrant traditions of the United States of America.” Cleaning toilets is just one of those immigrant traditions.

He claimed again that the reduced number of arrests of illegal border-crossers proves that the border is better defended. As we know, he said the same thing when the number of arrests went up.

The current system isn’t working, he says. “Think about a system in which there’s tremendous document forgery.” Yeah, think about it. Are you thinking about it?

See if this argument sounds at all familiar: “And my answer to the skeptics is, give us a chance to fix the problems in a comprehensive way that enforces our border and treats people with decency and respect. Give us a chance to fix this problem. Don’t try to kill this bill before it gets moving. Give us a chance to make it easier for the folks who wear the uniform along our borders to do their job.” Yes, and David Petraeus will report back in September...


He asked, “Who wants to pay a coyote hundreds of dollars, or thousands of dollars, when you can walk across, and say, I’m going to have a temporary job here in this country, and here’s my tamper -- my tamper-resistant card?” That may be a rhetorical question. Or a riddle.

He said, “Oh, I’m sure you’ve heard some of the talk out there about people defining the bill. It’s clear they hadn’t read the bill. They’re speculating about what the bill says, and they’re trying to rile up people’s emotions.” George, of course, has read every page, every clause, every footnote.

“This bill is not an amnesty bill. If you want to scare the American people, what you say is, the bill is an amnesty bill. It’s not an amnesty bill. That’s empty political rhetoric, trying to frighten our fellow citizens.” And if there’s one thing George Bush hates...

Indeed, to stay in the country, “illegal workers must admit they violated the law and pay a meaningful penalty, pass a strict background check, hold a job, maintain a clean record, and eventually earn English -- learn English. That’s how it works.” Earn... English... oh, just too damned easy. “If you want to be a citizen, you pay a fine, you touch base home to apply for a green card....” Wait, it’s Calvinball, isn’t it?

This Doesn’t End Here

RCTV indeed went off the air, replaced, literally, by songs of praise to Hugo Chavez. He is now going after Globovision for showing footage of the 1981 assassination attempt on the pope accompanied by the Ruben Blades song “Have Faith, This Doesn’t End Here.” Obviously, that incites assassination against Chavez (well, not that obvious: the Communications Ministry hired some “experts” to tell them that was the message being sent). Also, he’s accusing CNN of hostile intent, demonstrated by the order in which it showed several stories, so that a picture of Chavez was followed by one of an Al Qaida leader and one of demonstrations in China, in order to “associate the image of Chavez with that of violence and death.” Legal action will be taken against CNN and Globovision.

By the way, not renewing a license is one thing, but the government also seized RCTV equipment, transmitters and such, for the use by the state-run replacement station. I’m not sure how that’s legal.

Bush made a speech about Darfur this morning. “For too long,” he said, “the people of Darfur have suffered at the hands of a government that is complicit in the bombing, murder, and rape of innocent civilians.” Too long? What would the optimal time have been? “My administration has called these actions by their rightful name: genocide.” They had to convince GeeDubya that “genocide” didn’t have anything to do with I Dream of Jeannie, but I think we can all applaud the difficult achievement of getting Chimpy to call anything by its rightful name. “The world,” he says, “has a responsibility to help put an end to it.” So he will totally, um, bar some Sudanese individuals and companies from the US financial system. Problem solved.

Memorial Day: under attack and underestimated

Bush gave a Memorial Day speech at Arlington today. What a way to ruin a nice spring day. These speeches always piss me off, but today I’m thinking it’s a bit hypocritical to be pissed off only with Bush and not also just a little bit with the people who are taken in by his lies, even if they are dead war heroes, like Marine Sgt. Marc Golczynski, who Bush cited in his speech, who thought he was being a better father to his 8-year-old son Christian (“We are warriors, and as warriors have done before us we fight and sometimes die so our families do not have to”) by volunteering for a second tour in Iraq, where he was killed in March, than by helping him with his homework, giving him advice about girls (or whatever), cheering him at his high school graduation, etc. People like Bush told him he was, he believed it, and he was wrong. Also, while Bush twice quoted soldiers saying they were fighting so their children wouldn’t have to, we know that for Bush withdrawing from Iraq before Christian Golczynski reaches military age is just an artificial timetable.


Bush said, “As before in our history, Americans find ourselves under attack and underestimated. Our enemies long for our retreat. They question our moral purpose. They doubt our strength of will.” The sentence about questioning our moral purpose is kind of snuck in there, as one of the ways in which we are mis-under attack and misunderestimated: they simply don’t understand and don’t acknowledge that we are morally superior to them, and the sooner they get it through their thick skulls, the better.

As in all Bush Memorial Day speeches, he insisted that the best way to honor his war dead is to make more of them: “Our duty is to ensure that its outcome justifies the sacrifices made by those who fought and died in it.”

Then all that remained was to look all squinty and somber-like and not at all like he had anything to feel guilty or ashamed about.

Tell me exactly what they feel angry about

John McCain says there is no Plan B for Iraq, which is okay because “I believe that General Eisenhower didn’t have a Plan B at Normandy, and I don’t think that General Grant had a Plan B when he decided to take Richmond,” adding, “or General Custer at Little Bighorn, or my uncle Elmer when he stuck that fork in a toaster (poor Uncle Elmer) or...”

Right-wing tv station RCTV will be pulled from the air in Venezuela as of midnight after 54 years on the air, as Hugo Chavez had announced taunted. Chavez explained that this wasn’t about ensuring that no other voice than his is heard, in a speech yesterday that was, er, carried compulsorily by every tv station: “That television station became a threat to the country, so I decided not to renew the licence because it’s my responsibility.” So that’s okay then.

Tony Blair, in an op-ed piece in the Sunday Times, also finds a grave threat to his country: an outdated attachment to liberty. “We have chosen as a society to put the civil liberties of the suspect, even if a foreign national, first. I happen to believe this is misguided and wrong. ... Over the past five or six years, we have decided as a country that except in the most limited of ways, the threat to our public safety does not justify changing radically the legal basis on which we confront this extremism.” He also blames Parliament and the courts, but clearly it is the failure of the British people themselves, “as a society” and “as a country,” to prioritize security over what he calls “traditional civil liberties” that he finds most galling. They must be a great disappointment to him.

Blair blames the courts for not allowing him to deport foreign nationals “who were either engaged in or inciting extremism.” Note the intentional vagueness of the term extremism: does he mean people who take extreme actions or who hold extreme ideas? In fact, only people who still believe in those quaint traditional civil liberties continue to make such distinctions. Tony certainly doesn’t.

While he is also willing to put British extremists under surveillance and order limits on their activities, he finds foreigners especially dangerous because of “the ideas they import from abroad.” Blair would like to deport any Johnny Foreigner who “imports” ideas no matter the risk of torture or murder he faces: “if he... abuses our hospitality and threatens us, I feel he should take his chance back in his own home country.”

Tony then tells a story of being stopped by some anonymous muddle-headed type who blamed terrorism on the invasion and occupation of Muslim countries. Blair responded, “tell me exactly what they feel angry about.” After all, “we” removed two brutal dictatorships and replaced them with democracies. “And the only reason it is difficult still is because other Muslims are using terrorism to try to destroy the fledgling democracy and, in doing so, are killing fellow Muslims. What’s more, British troops are risking their lives trying to prevent the killing. Why should anyone feel angry about us?” Yup, it’s a complete fucking mystery all right, Tony.

Blind, prideful hatred

To kick off Memorial Day weekend, Bush went to the naval hospital in Bethesda yesterday to visit Marines injured in Iraq. This is Corp. Ryan Dion, who played soccer in high school.


This is Priv. Arturo Weber (football, decathlon), 20, shot in the abdomen and hand, requiring several operations. Chimpy seems to think he’s at a Quincinera or something.


And today, Cheney spoke to the West Point commencement. He told them, “As Army officers on duty in the war on terror, you will now face enemies who oppose and despise everything you know to be right, every notion of upright conduct and character, and every belief you consider worth fighting for and living for. Capture one of these killers, and he’ll be quick to demand the protections of the Geneva Convention and the Constitution of the United States.” And he won’t get them. Your point, Mr. Vice President?


He explained why the graduates will soon be enjoying the pleasures of an Iraqi summer: “America is fighting this enemy in Iraq because that is where they have gathered.” Gosh, I think there may be something faulty about that logic, but I just can’t put my finger on it...

Cheney explained that “to prevail in the long run, we must remove the conditions that inspire such blind, prideful hatred that drove 19 men to get onto airplanes and come to kill us on 9/11.” Dude, you’re against blind, prideful hatred now? You’re the guy who’s kept going only by blind, prideful hatred, the blood of newborn infants, and occasionally shooting somebody in the face.


Oh, if you’re wondering, the conditions that inspired that BPH against the US were evidently that we weren’t intervening militarily in the Middle East enough.

He said, “The war on terror does not have to be an endless war.” That prospect probably explains the dour expression on his face.


He told the graduates: “I give you this assurance on behalf of the President: you soldier for him, and he will soldier for you.” Unless there’s a game on, or some brush that needs clearing, of course.

John “The Maverik” McCain: hak politician

The McCain campaign (McCampaign?) has sent a flurry of emails today, including today’s “Fun Facts about John McCain”: 1) His wife likes NASCAR. 2) “At the Naval Academy, Sen. McCain earned the nickname ‘John Wayne McCain’ due to his fun-loving reputation.”

But mostly, McCain engaged in a war of words against Clinton and Obama, who “embrace[d] the policy of surrender by voting against funds to support our brave men and women fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. This vote may win favor with MoveOn and liberal primary voters, but it’s the equivalent of waving a white flag to al Qaeda.”

Obama responded, saying that the policy in Iraq is not working, “And if there ever was a reflection of that it’s the fact that Senator McCain required a flack jacket, ten armored Humvees, two Apache attack helicopters, and 100 soldiers with rifles by his side to stroll through a market in Baghdad just a few weeks ago.”

McCain shot back with devastating accuracy, saying that he knew lots more about military shit than Obama, because he talks to generals and was in a war and stuff, and “By the way, Senator Obama, it’s a ‘flak’ jacket, not a ‘flack’ jacket.”

---

This blog will be open for business over the Memorial Day weekend, assuming there’s anything to blog about, but many won’t. Some of you (and you know who you are) are no doubt terrified by the prospect that this dearth of online material will force you to shut off your computers and go outside. As a public service, may I suggest some alternative online activities: 1) porn, 2) animation produced by the National Film Board of Canada. To celebrate its 300th anniversary, or something, the NFB put 50 animated short films online. I’ve watched most of them, and here are my picks (or, as Senator McCain would put it, piks):

Afterlife: very pretty; trippy, but in a good way.

Black Soul: black history in 10 minutes, with a heavy emphasis on slavery. High-minded but so damned gorgeous I’d have enjoyed it even if its message were pro-slavery.

Blackfly: a fun tribute to a Canadian cultural phenomenon: flies.

Ex-Child: a film about war and child-soldiers (it’s against them), it would no doubt be dreary but for the interesting pinscreen technique.

Mindscape: more pinscreen.

The Big Snit: hilarious.

The Street: a Mordecai Richler short story about a boy waiting for his grandmother to die. Good watercolor work, goes well with the story.

A word to the sparrow

When George Bush gives a press conference, it’s my job to crap on him, thank you very much.

Bush press conference: I’m credible because I read the intelligence

It was such a nice day, Bush decided to hold today’s press conference outside.

About Iranian arrests of Iranian-American citizens: “Secondly, obviously, to the extent that these people are picking up innocent Americans is unacceptable. And we’ve made it very clear to the Iranian government that the detention of good, decent American souls who are there to be beneficial citizens is not acceptable behavior.”


IN OTHER WORDS: “This investigation [the US attorneys scandal] is taking a long time, kind of being drug out, I suspect for political question -- for political reasons. In other words, as I mentioned the other day, it’s just grand political theater.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “I spoke to Madam Wu Yi today... and also to ask her to pass on a message to Hu Jintao that I appreciate his willingness to work in a strategic -- with strategic dialogues in order to put in place the type of measures that reflect a complex relationship -- in other words, the ability to discuss issues such as beef, or intellectual property rights.”

ON CHINA: “And we’ve just got to work through the friction.” Ooo, kinky. “One area where I’ve been disappointed is beef.” Ooo, really kinky. “They need to be eating U.S. beef.” You’ve been talking to brother Neil. “It’s good for them. They’ll like it. And so we’re working hard to get that beef market opened up.” I’ll bet you are, I’ll bet you are.


He was asked again, if the results of leaving Iraq would be so catastrophic, would we really just leave if the Maliki regime told us to. Yes, yes we would. “We are there at their request.”

Asked why anyone still believes him about Iraq or Al Qaida: “I’m credible because I read the intelligence, David, and make it abundantly clear in plain terms that if we let up, we’ll be attacked. And I firmly believe that.” He’s credible because he reads. He reads credibly. It’s credible that he reads. Incredible!


Speaking of intelligence, as in insulting our intelligence, Bush once again pretended that Iraq is a straightforward US-Al Qaida war. “A lot of the spectaculars you’re seeing are caused by al Qaeda.” “These people attacked us before we were in Iraq. They viciously attacked us before we were in Iraq, and they’ve been attacking ever since. They are a threat to your children, David”. NBC’s David Gregory, I think, who should maybe phone home. I mean, Bush does read the intelligence. (Later he told a reporter named Jim that Al Qaida was also a threat to his children.)

Bush agreed with the premise of a question that all the talk about waiting for Petraeus’s report in September is setting up one of them there artificial deadlines which will stimulate violence: “It’s going to make -- it could make August a tough month, because you see, what they’re going to try to do is kill as many innocent people as they can to try to influence the debate here at home. Don’t you find that interesting? I do”.

“Yesterday, in my speech, I quoted quotes from Osama bin Laden. And the reason I did was, is that I want the American people to hear what he has to say”.


“The Middle East looked nice and cozy for awhile. Everything looked fine on the surface, but beneath the surface, there was a lot of resentment, there was a lot of frustration, such that 19 kids got on airplanes and killed 3,000 Americans.” Boy, 19 “kids” can just ruin an entire region for everybody. Also, may I point out again: many of the 9/11 victims were not actually Americans.

About new reports that sectarian violence has been entirely unaffected by the “surge”: “certainly, there’s been an uptick in violence. It’s a snapshot, it’s a moment.”

Asked why Osama bin Laden is still, you know, at large (an especially important question right now since Bush is again talking as if bin Laden is an imminent threat rather than some irrelevant has-been): “And he’s hiding. He is in a remote region of the world. If I knew precisely where he is, we would take the appropriate action to bring him to justice.” Pressed further, Bush explained, “Why is he at large? Because we haven’t got him yet, Jim. That’s why.” Well, you can’t fault the logic. But there’s good news: “He’s not out there traipsing around, he’s not leading many parades, however. He’s not out feeding the hungry. He’s isolated, trying to kill people to achieve his objective.” I feel safer knowing that he’s not traipsing.

A struggle that will outlast all of us

Condi and Australian Foreign Minister Alexander Downer visited Camp Pendleton yesterday, where she told the troops that they might “wonder if we are having the success that we should be having” and then, I guess, told them no: “It’s going to be a struggle that will outlast all of us.” (I’d like more context on this, but I can’t find a transcript at the famously unhelpful State Department website.)


Condi and Downer (that just sounds funny) watched Iraq-bound Marines training in a mock city (which I presume to mean a fake Iraqi city, as opposed to a city that mocks you, like Paris). Downer spouted afterwards about the Marines’ “sensitivity to human rights,” adding “I was impressed with their compassion.” Evidently no one explained to him that he was in California, not Iraq, that the exercise wasn’t real and that the “civilians” the Marines showed such sensitivity and compassion to were in fact actors.

Condi was also interviewed by Fox. She said about the Middle East: “a lot of the responsible parties in the region are beginning to see that their great threat comes from extremism, not from the Israel-Palestinian conflict.” Well, that’s okay, then.

Alert reader Josh Narins emailed me the one war metric that actually works: the more Bush appointees mention 9/11, the worse the war is going.

Pentagon press release: “The undersecretary of defense for intelligence will also now serve as the director of defense intelligence.”

Dangerous winds are swirling

Today Bush gave the commencement address at the Coast Guard Academy. Evidently the graduates “learned to brace up, do orderlies, square meals, and eat ‘hamsters’ with your ‘eyes in the boat.’” Those may or may not be euphemisms. Except for the thing about doing orderlies. They totally did orderlies.

Here, by the way, is Bush before he left for the Academy.



Much of the speech was devoted to the claim that the war in Iraq is really all about fighting Al Qaida, including dark intimations about Abu Faraj al-Libi, an Al Qaida guy who they captured two years ago, dumped in Guantanamo and never mentioned publicly before this week but are now claiming proves that Iraq is really all about Al Qaida and that this proves that if we leave Iraq, the enemy will follow us home.

He said, “As we carry out the new strategy, the Iraqi government has a lot of work to do. They must meet its responsibility to the Iraqi people and achieve benchmarks it has set”. Wouldn’t you think that after 6 years as the head of a government, he’d know if government is a “they” or an “it”?

He warned against complaisance about terrorism, cleverly appealing to his audience by using meteorological terms. Coasties are totally into weather. “The danger has not passed. Here in America, we’re living in the eye of a storm. All around us, dangerous winds are swirling, and these winds could reach our shores at any moment.” Insert your own Katrina reference here. And while you’re at it, caption these pictures for me and make me some lunch. I’m feeling cranky and I’m going to go lie down now.

A good step forward for democracy

Congressional Democrats have caved in on the Iraq spending bill. Contain your astonishment. If Kerry voted for it before he voted against it, Dems in Congress voted for it before they voted for it before they voted for it before they voted for it before they voted for it before they voted for it before they voted for it....

The US has called the abolition of term limits for Kazakhstan’s “President” Nursultan Nazarbayev a “good step forward for democracy in Kazakhstan.” Hurrah! Okay, actually the US is trying to ignore that part and focus on some other rather minor amendments to the constitution, such as giving the rubber-stamp parliament some voice in the naming of the powerless prime minister. Anyway, says the US ambassador, just because there are no longer term limits, it is “very speculative” to suggest that that means Nazarbayev will be president-for-life, just because he’s fixed every election he’s ever held. At the daily State Dept briefing, Scott McCormack also claimed there were “a whole host” of reforms that indicated Kazakhstan was moving “in the right direction.” He was unable to name any of them.

Military Jargon Watch: the latest term for the bad guys in Iraq: “abusive sectarian actors.”

20 months is a long time during this presidency

More stupid Hollywood remake ideas, just green-lit: Barbarella, The Long Good Friday.

I’ve been reading Paula Poundstone’s book There’s Nothing in This Book That I Meant to Say (Quickie review: if you like her stand-up, you’ll like the book; if you don’t, there’s no accounting for tastes). She suggests that Kansas, which had just put “intelligent design” into science classes, should actually abolish the study of science and instead tie up each student in a burlap sack and throw them into a pool. The students God thinks are really good science students will float and get an A... Intelligent flotationism, she calls it.

Bush gave a not hugely interesting interview to Reuters aboard Air Force One today.

On Iraq, Bush reached out in that very special way of his: “There is a way forward, there’s a compromise to be had. My hope is that the Democrat leader sees it.” Yes, clearly the problem with everybody who is not George Bush is that they are stubborn and unwilling to compromise.

On immigration, he twice said the issue was “emotional,” which I believe is a word he reserves for Republicans who disagree with him. He also said he’d “ask people to actually look at it before they opine; study the bill.” How many of those thousand pages have you read, George?

Interviewer Steve Holland asked about some, presumably Democratic, presidential candidates who are “trying to convince people that there really isn’t a war on terrorism”. Bush: “If that person -- if the people who say we’re not having any war on terror ever gets elected, they’ll sit in the office, the Oval Office, and realize we are in a war on terror. They’ll realize there are people that are out plotting and planning. They’ll see the complexities of taking on this enemy. I think that we’re in for a long ideological struggle.”

On Putin, “I’m still close to him, personally. ... He thinks that they’ve got a democracy emerging there in Russia. Obviously, there’s a lot of suspicion about that, and I look forward to continuing to talk to him as to why he thinks his country is on the path to democracy. It looks like at times it’s not, to me. ... It looks like some of the decisions he has made aren’t leading the country to democracy. He, on the other hand, says it’s a special kind of democracy that we in the West don’t understand, and therefore I’d be willing to listen more about why he thinks that what he’s doing is democratic in nature.”

“I have been a President during a war,” he said.


Asked what his legacy will be, he said, “Whatever it is, I’m not going to be around to see it.” Since he’s pretty healthy and his father is still jumping out of airplanes, I assume he means not so much that he won’t be around as he won’t see it, in that he won’t be paying any attention, and it’s not like he has that clear an understanding of what his effect on the world is right now.

But he has aspirations for the legacy thing: “I hope it is that George Bush fought the war, he laid out a strategy for America and her allies to ultimately defeat these ideologues; he recognized the nature of the enemy, he spoke clearly [!] about the nature of the enemy; he went on the offense in order to protect his own country; he put in place a variety of measures to help deal with this threat, and he had great faith in the capacity of liberty to ultimately conquer this ideology.”

Asked his top successes and failures, Bush said “I’m not through being President yet” and added the most devastatingly truthful words he has ever spoken: “20 months is a long time during this presidency.”

Embracing reconciliation

General David Petraeus issued an open letter (pdf) last week to the Iraqi people. Kneel before me, he said, or I will crush you like worms. Okay he didn’t, and I’ll bet you all guessed that because of the tip-off: you don’t crush worms so much as smoosh them, and as a military commander Petraeus knows which things you crush and which things you smoosh because they teach you that in your first week at military commander school. No, he politely requested that the Iraqis “take an active role in the rebirth of your nation. Choose to reject violence and the sectarianism that fuels it.” I’d be interested in an elaboration of what he means by “sectarianism” and what rejecting it would entail. This is how he seems to define taking an active role in the rebirth of Iraq: “Deny the enemy shelter, report any information you may have regarding his whereabouts, and be proud of and support your nation’s security forces.” He also suggests, twice, that they “embrace reconciliation.” This all may be perfectly sensible advice, I’m just wondering if the head of an army of occupation is really the person to be lecturing on the virtues of rejecting violence and embracing reconciliation.

Speaking of rejecting violence and embracing reconciliation, George Bush held a press conference this morning with NATO Secretary General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer at his ranch in Crawford.


See, that’s why Bush clears all that brush, so that he can hold press conferences in the middle of a field unencumbered by brush.

Bush said the two of them talked about Afghanistan and missile defense and they “had a lovely dinner.”

Hoopty Hoop said that while NATO kills scads of civilians in Afghanistan, “we are not in the same moral category” as the Taleban. So that’s okay then. Bush added that there are civilian deaths in Afghanistan because the Taliban “don’t mind using human shields because they devalue human life.”

Speaking of human shields, Bush said that Alberto Gonzales “has done nothing wrong” and calls the upcoming vote of no confidence in him “political theater,” and in fact “it is this kind of political theater that has caused the American people to lose confidence in how Washington operates.” Everyone’s a critic.

The scary thing is Bubble Boy may actually believe that Congress censuring Gonzales creates more disaffection than, say, Gonzales.


Asked about Jimmy Carter’s criticism of his administration as the worst ever for America’s relations with the world, Bush said, “We’re at war with an enemy that is relentless and determined” and “we must go on the offense against radicals, extremists, murderers in order to protect not only ourselves, but our allies.” So he’s going to hunt down Jimmy Carter. Given that Osama’s still out there, I like Carter’s odds.

Comprehensive

Iraqi President Talabani has arrived at the US for a three-week trip and entered the Mayo Clinic. He claims he’s just there to lose some weight. If I were Iraqi, I’d feel insulted that more time wasn’t spent on developing a better transparent lie.


As last week’s R debate showed, we’re going to hear many more cries of “9/11! 9/11!” from presidential candidates this election cycle. I wonder how much purchase it will still have in 2012, 2016, 2020...

The immigration bill sucks, of course, in many, many ways. Since it is a comprehensive immigration bill, it sucks comprehensively. Indeed, much of it (the two-year-on, one-year-off temporary work provision, going back to one’s country of origin to apply for American citizenship, the border-security bits having to be completed before anything else) seems purposely designed to fail. Or to be so punitive as to offer no incentives for current illegal immigrants to leave the legal shadows. Few coyotes will be put out of work by this bill. It will be interesting to see if any congresscritter publicly criticizes the failure of the provisions for bringing in family members to acknowledge the existence of homosexual immigrants. And I’m curious if the bill really, as Bush said Saturday, “affirms that English is the language of the United States.”

But my question is, how did this Republican issue become such a priority that the Democratic Congress seems likely to pass some version of this turd? Why are they wasting time on it at all, when there are so many issues that need attention and on which positive progress could be made?

Caption contest:

Sorted

The NYT has another of those articles about the rising death toll among “contractors” in Iraq that fail even to ask how many Iraqis those contractors are killing, exempt from the jurisdiction of any legal system.

Was it my imagination, or did Tom DeLay, on the Colbert Report Thursday, really cite Terri Schiavo as one of the great Republican successes that the party should have been playing up during the 2006 elections?

Unlike Prince Harry, Tony Blair is making a “surprise” visit to Iraq (some men are born to irrelevance, some achieve irrelevance...) He complained about the press paying too much attention to bad stuff and not enough to good stuff, and he told the British troops, “If we don’t sort this region out then there is, in my view, a very troubled and difficult future for the world ahead of us.” Because no troubled and difficult future has ever come out of some Western imperialist deciding to take up the white man’s burden and “sort this region out.”

Paperwork

In an email from the McCain campaign, more “Fun Facts about John McCain”: One of John McCain’s favorite hobbies is barbequing. His seasoning of choice is Hog’s Breath - a dry mix of salt, pepper, garlic and paprika - and he once joked that as president, he’d replace President Clinton’s putting green at the White House with a grill.

As they say in Al Qaida, it’s the fucking paper work that’ll kill ya. Alert reader Scott points out that one of the key pieces of, you should pardon the term, evidence against Jose Padilla is an application form he supposedly partly filled out in 2000 to attend an Al Qaida training camp, which was captured in 2001 but not fingerprint tested until 2006, and which certainly doesn’t have his fingerprints on it only because his interrogators handed it to him some time in that long period, possibly after they realized that they needed to manufacture some sort of case against him when all the earlier wild accusations against him (dirty bomber etc) had turned out to be unprovable or just plain silly.

But the real question here is... a five-page application form? What do you suppose they ask?

Where do you see yourself in five years? In Paradise surrounded by 72 virgins. Or possibly in marketing.

My biggest fault is that sometimes I love Allah and hate America too much.

Anyone else have any suggestions?

What is pure democracy?

Guardian headline: “Colombian Warlord Says US Firms Paid Death Squads for Bananas.”

Russia detained loads of anti-Putin and/or democracy activists, raided newspapers, and prevented reporters as well as demonstrators reaching a Russia-EU summit meeting. Said Putin, “What is pure democracy? It is a question of ... whether you want to see the glass half-full or half empty.” Yes, Vlad is a gulag half-full kind of guy.

Speaking of pure democracy, Kazakhstan’s parliament amends the constitution to eliminate term limits for “President” Nursultan Nazarbayev, who has been in power since Soviet times. Just for him. His successors after he dies or, ha ha, voluntarily gives up office, will again be restricted to two 7-year terms. (Correction: two 5-year terms.)

Who even knew that North Korea had a prime minister? Well, last month North Korean prime minister Pak Pong Ju was fired. His new job: manager of a chemical plant.

Random Friday Bush pictures (the wounded soldiers are from Walter Reed, wheeled over to the White House presumably so Bush can be pictured waving disinterestedly at them).

George Bush meets one of the most diverse institutions in American life

Bush took part today in a Joint ROTC Commissioning Ceremony. He commissioned some joints. Or something. He complained about universities that do not have ROTC programs, putting it in terms he seemed to think should shame and embarrass those beatnik commie hippies: “But surely the concept of diversity is large enough to embrace one of the most diverse institutions in American life.” He added, “But none a’ you is queers, right?”


He asked them to bring honor to their uniforms. He asked them to set high standards for themselves. And he gave this advice: “Do not ask of those under your command anything that you would not ask of yourselves.” He then ordered them to get their daddies to pull strings to make sure they never face enemy fire, bum around Texas bars for a while, then blow off the last year of their commitments.

We filled a lot of space together

Bush and Blair held their very last joint press conference today. So sad.


Bush on Blair: “And it dawned on me, once again, what a clear strategic thinker he is.” “I do congratulate the Prime Minister for being a -- when he gets on a subject, it’s dogged.” “I appreciated Tony’s willingness to interface with our people there” (military commanders in Iraq). “There’s a lot of blowhards in the political process, you know, a lot of hot-air artists, people who have got something fancy to say. Tony Blair is somebody who actually follows through with his convictions, and therefore, is admired in the international community.” “I have enjoyed working with Tony Blair more than I could have possibly imagined.”


Blair on Bush: “You’ve been unyielding and unflinching, and determined in the fight that we face together.” Yeah, that’s the fucking problem.

Bush on the Middle East: “We understand the fright that can come when you’re worried about a rocket landing on top of your home.”

I’ve noticed before that when these two get together, Blair often starts picking up Bush’s speech patterns or phrases, like it’s viral. In other words, like it’s a virus. (Joke. I’m okay, really.) Today the virus was “of course”:

Bush: “We talked about, of course, Iraq. ... We talked about, of course, Africa. We spent a lot of time talking about Africa. ... Can I work with the next guy? Of course... And we talked, of course, about climate change.”

Blair: “And we discussed, of course, the Middle East... And of course, also, we talked about the upcoming G8... Again, in respect of Afghanistan, where American troops, and of course, British troops ... of course I wish [Gordon Brown] well... And then, of course, there are various domestic issues, too, as well. ... And the fact is, the decisions are difficult; of course they’re difficult.” Etcetera.


Incidentally, “Africa” has become one of those place names that stand for something else, like Vietnam or Hiroshima or Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Blair, for instance, spoke of “the cause that is Africa” and said that the G8 would have discussions “over the issue of Africa.”

Bush on Gordon Brown: “I met him, thought he was a good fellow. ... I hope to help him in office the way Tony Blair helped me.” BREAKING NEWS: BUSH TO BE BROWN’S POODLE.

Brown will not be comforted that Bush also made this character analysis: “I admire Paul Wolfowitz. I admire his heart.”


Asked about the news that Gonzales and Card pressured former Attorney General Ashcroft in his hospital bed after surgery to sign off on a wiretapping program they knew he considered illegal, Bush pretended that the question was about the warrantless surveillance program, defended it at length, and talked instead about the importance of spying on people: “Kelly, there’s a lot of speculation about what happened and what didn’t happen; I’m not going to talk about it. It’s a very sensitive program. .... And so there will be all kinds of talk about it. As I say, I’m not going to move the issue forward by talking about something as highly sensitive -- highly classified subject. I will tell you, however, that the program is necessary.”

He added, “No matter how calm it may seem here in America, an enemy lurks. And they would like to strike.” Although they do kind of enjoy the lurking too. “They would like to do harm to the American people because they have an agenda.”

Finally, Bush described the Bush-Blair relationship: “And so I -- we filled a lot of space together.”


(Update: One more picture. Just because.)

Dogged

Tony Blair is visiting George Bush, who described him as “dogged.” Yes, yes he is.

Who’s a good prime minister? You are, you’re a good prime minister, yes you are.
(More, no doubt, later when the transcript is out.)

I’m not going to speculate on what I’m going to be voting on in the future

How did I not know that Jerry Falwell’s father shot his own brother to death?

At yet another event focused on immigration, Bush again came out for comprehensive immigration reform without amnesty, without animosity, and without amniocentesis, but said, “With us are people who are employers, people who provide work for citizens who are in our country legally.” He seems to have engaged in a little verbal amnesty of his own there, promoting people with green cards to the status of citizen, or he simply doesn’t know what the word citizen means.

Hillary Clinton, on the front page of her campaign website: “I will cast my vote to send the President a clear message: Democrats are united in fighting to change course, redeploy our troops out of Iraq, and end this war as soon as possible.” Hillary Clinton today, answering a reporter’s question about the Iraq withdrawal legislation: “I’m not going to speculate on what I’m going to be voting on in the future.” Leadership!

Hillary’s website also asks us to decide for her what her campaign song should be. She’s provided some options, but you can, heh heh, suggest one yourself.

Republican debate: I would tell the people who had to do the interrogation to use every method they could think of

Another Republican debate! Yay!

On Iraq, McCain said, “I will be the last man standing if necessary.” Now that’s a surge I’d like to see!


Romney talked about the “global jihadist effort” to establish a caliphate and destroy the West. “And they’ve come together as Shi’a and Sunni and Hezbollah and Hamas and the Muslim Brotherhood and al Qaeda with that intent.” He sees “Shi’a and Sunni” as terrorist organizations just like Hamas and Al Qaida.

Brownback blamed environmental problems on teenage girls: “My family, we have a hybrid car. In that car you can get up to 42, 43 miles to the gallon. Now my 17-year-old daughter does about 25 on it, so it does matter how you drive it.”

Romney is running against the state he governored, repeatedly calling it a “pretty tough state.” “You’ve heard of blue states. If you ever bought a suit and you look at it and you can’t tell if it’s blue or black, that’s how blue Massachusetts is.” That’s pretty fucking blue. Or black. Anyway, I’m pretty sure what Romney is saying it that he hates black people, just like the Mormon church used to.


Huckabee, who said that Congress spends money like John Edwards at a beauty shop, ha ha, said that opposition to abortion, like looking for lost hikers, shows we value life, “and it’s what separates us from the Islamic jihadists who are out to kill us. They celebrate death. They have a culture of death. Ours is a culture of life.” Funny, because I think he’d find that he’s very much on the same page as the Islamic jihadists about abortion. And they probably don’t like John Edwards’s haircut either.

Brownback, asked how he would tell a pregnant rape victim she’d be forced to give birth: “Will that make the woman in a better situation if that’s what takes place? And I don’t think so, and I think we can explain it when we look at it for what it is: a beautiful child of a loving God”. I’m pretty sure Brownback just called God a rapist.

Tancredo on how all the other candidates are stealing his platform of hating hating hating immigrants: “I’m glad they happen. But I must tell you, I trust those conversions when they happen on the road to Damascus and not on the road to Des Moines.” They have roads in Iowa now?

Ron Paul said something or other about terrorists acting in response to American foreign policy, and Giuliani took umbrage, “as someone who lived through the attack of September 11”. Remember when Dan Quayle called himself a “Vietnam-era veteran”?

And of course the hypothetical “What Would Jack Bauer Do” question. If there were terrorist attacks just like at the beginning of this season of “24,” would you torture someone to get information? They all (of the ones asked) agreed that they would torture someone, but call it something else. I include John McCain in that: he made a strong case against torture but said that Army Field Manual interrogation procedures “would be adequate in 999,999 of cases”. Out of 1 million, I’m assuming, although it could have been out of 10 million, he didn’t say. Still, even McCain wanted to leave himself the option.

Giuliani said “I would tell the people who had to do the interrogation to use every method they could think of. It shouldn’t be torture, but every method they can think of...” It’s Giuliani time!

Romney liked the mention of Guantanamo in the hypothetical, because “they don’t get the access to lawyers,” and said we should double Guantanamo. There was applause. And we should use enhanced interrogation techniques have to be used -- not torture but enhanced interrogation techniques”.

Duncan Hunter says he’d order the use of “very high-pressure techniques” and get the information within an hour.

Then the hypothetical was added to. The terrorists are being trained in camps in a West African country. We’re looking at you, Togo! Should we go the UN before nuking it? Brownback says no.

By the time they got to him, Tancredo was upset. “[I]t’s almost unbelievable to listen to this in a way. We’re talking about -- we’re talking about it in such a theoretical fashion.” Because it’s a hypothetical? Tancredo asked, with outrage in his voice, why are they even discussing whether waterboarding would be bad? He wants to waterboard someone now, now dammit! I’m looking at you, Huckabee!

Tom Tancredo thinks that “24” is a documentary.

Chris Wallace asked if candidates worried about all ten being white (or as Romney might put it, so white they’re almost pink). He did not think to ask if they worried about all ten being male. Nor did it occur to any of the candidates to talk about that.

I have been here ever since I’ve been the president

From the London Times, a headline that may or may not have been an intentional joke: “Children Who Miss Numeracy Targets to Get One-on-One Help.”

Mitt Romney received a draft deferment so that he could be a Mormon missionary in France rather than a soldier in Vietnam.

Today George Bush attended the annual Peace Officers’ Memorial Service. He said, “We thank them for their lives of service and we pray to an Almighty God that He bring comfort to you during this time of sorrow.” The time of sorrow speech lasted seven minutes. But even to George, it seemed much longer: “I have been here ever since I’ve been the president, in an event like this, and it’s fitting because this is a really important day for our country.”



That rarest of White House photographs in which Chimpy is not the smuggest-looking person in the shot:

Wherein the death of Rev. Falwell is treated with the utmost respect and subtlety

Jerry Falwell, God’s messenger on earth, is dead. Dead dead dead. Dead.


When reached for comment, John McCain said, “Great, can someone pull me out of his ass now? I seem to be stuck. Little help here.”


When reached for comment, gay Teletubby Tinky-Winky said, “Eh oh,” adding, “I say, Senator McCain, most peculiar to see you here.”

We’ve got al Qaeda in both places right now

Condoleezza Rice says of talk that there is a “new Cold War” with Russia, “I think the parallels just frankly have no basis whatsoever,” adding that it’s just too bad that she spent all those years studying the Cold War, since that information is of no use in her current job, for which she therefore has no qualifications, and will be resigning at once.

Dick Cheney, still in the Middle East, went on Fox News to give his usual forthright, transparent insights into governmental activities: “I don’t want to characterize the conversations I had with any of the leaders.”

He said of American opponents of the Iraq war, “I think they have to be responsible for the consequences of the policy recommendations they make. ... accountable for what would happen when that policy followed, what happens inside Iraq, what kind of encouragement that might give to al Qaeda.” He added, “a responsible public official has to accept the responsibility for the consequences of what they recommend.” So presumably he’ll also be resigning at once.

He also said that “some people want to say they want to fight the good war in Afghanistan, not the bad war in Iraq. Well, I’m sorry, but it doesn’t work that way in the real world. We’ve got al Qaeda in both places right now.” Funny how that happened.

What’s more obnoxious, Cheney lecturing other people about taking responsibility for the consequences of what they recommend, or Cheney lecturing about how things work in the “real world”?

Jeopardizing what is already in jeopardy

John McCain went on Meet the Press today.

He said that people who oppose the war are just plain ignorant: “My point is, and I’m sure we’ll get into it, and that is we have a chance of success, and I don’t think that a lot of Americans are as fully aware as they should be of the consequences of failure in Iraq.” For example, “You’d have to partition bedrooms in Baghdad because Sunni and Shia are, are married.”

Not that the war couldn’t have been run better: “You know, in hindsight, if we had exploited the initial success, which was shock and awe, and we succeeded, and we had done the right things after that, all of us would be applauding what we did. We didn’t. It was terribly mismanaged.” What with the not exploiting shock and not exploiting awe.

Asked if we won’t have to leave if the Iraqi parliament tells us to, he said no, referring to that august body as “the Iraqi, quote, ‘parliament’”. He said of the signatures of the majority of the Iraqi Quote Parliament on a petition calling for a timetable for withdrawal of occupation troops, “there is some, a certain amount of domestic political calculations involved”. That certainly put them in their place.

McCain really is a puffed-up little toad, isn’t he? He says of, I’m not even sure what, something manly about Iraq anyway, “that’s my duty. That’s my obligation. It’s not my privilege.” Even when talking about the Iraqi parliament’s proposed two-month vacation, he doesn’t just oppose that, he is “unalterably opposed to it.” “So if I’m the last man standing, I have an obligation to do what my conscience and my knowledge and my background and everything I’ve known through my well-experienced life is best for this country.”


He says that unless the Iraqi regime acts on various things, “it could jeopardize what is already in jeopardy.” Yeah, hate for that to happen.

Asked if he isn’t planning for Americans to occupy Iraq for a decade or more: “We’ve had troops in South Korea for 60 years, and Americans are, are very satisfied with that situation.” So that’s okay, then.

Russert read him a statement about the uselessness of continued occupation and nation-building and the need for Congress to pull the troops out. McCain responded, yeah and what happens after we leave and blah blah blah, and Russert told him that the quote he’d read was...oh the irony... McCain in 1993 about Somalia, gotcha. McCain said he doesn’t see any comparison between Somalia and Iraq.

Russert read him some quotes about his April visit to the Baghdad market, and McCain responded to one quote about security being a smidge higher than usual, “I don’t know who Mr. Faiyad is, and I’m sorry that I didn’t see him.” McCain is lying. How do I know that? Because Russert never said the name Faiyad, just “the owner of an electrical supply shop.” I had to google Faiyad to identify which quote was his.

He added, “I was glad to walk through that market. I will go walk through a market as often as I can. It was not allowed to go through a market a short time before that. ... I didn’t call for the kind of, quote, ‘protection’ that was around me.” There are those air quotes again. “But I am not afraid... And I’ll be glad to go back to that market with or without military protection and, and humvees, etc.” Cool, is Tuesday good for you?

Evidently in 1999 McCain said that he worried that if Roe v. Wade were overturned, women would have illegal, dangerous abortions. Asked if he’s still concerned about that, he said no, he “would hope” they’d just go ahead and give birth instead. So that’s okay, then.

HANGING AROUND WITH BUSH TOO LONG? “There are some progress being made”. “and this now is got to do with vital national security interests.”

I think you’ll be amazed at how our country got started

Today George and Laura visited Jamestown, Virginia. Would it have killed them to dress up as John Smith and Pocahontas?



Reuters captions the following picture, “President Bush discusses the length of sailmaker Josiah Freitus’ needle...” Yeah, sure, whatever.


AFP captions this one, “US President George W. Bush listens to an explanation of the use of a pistol...”


Ohmigod they just let him pick up a gun. Can you think of anything more dangerous than George Bush with a gun?


Oh, yes I can. George (shudder) spoke.


“I think you’ll be amazed at how our country got started,” he said. Mass murder, like every other country? (Gee, I was going to do some sort of birds and bees joke, but then I just went to the dark place.)

The story of the Jamestown settlement, he informed us, “is a story of hardship overcome by resolve” which “laid the foundation of our great democracy.” Oh brother, everything is a metaphor for Iraq for him now, isn’t it? Oh yes: in 1610 “They were prepared to abandon the settlement, and only the last minute arrival of new settlers and new provisions saved Jamestown.” Ye Olde Surge. “As the colony grew, the settlers ventured beyond the walls of their three-sided fort...” Ye Olde Green Zone. Then, Bush didn’t mention, they started planting tobacco to feed the unhealthy addiction of their brethren back home...

Best Taliban name ever

Mullah Dadullah.

I can’t think of a more noble cause

This morning, George Bush gave the commencement address at St. Vincent College.


Here he talking with its chancellor, Archabbot Douglas Nowicki, while Secret Service agents look on.


Isn’t that a great picture?

He talked a lot about volunteering and service and Mother Theresa and dying AIDS victims and blah blah blah. Three hours later he was back in the White House, celebrating Military Spouse Day and saying “I can’t think of a more noble cause than for people to volunteer” for the military. Clearly the hand holding a rifle is performing more noble work than the hand holding the hand of a man dying of AIDS. “I marvel at how fantastic our military is,” he said. Also, he thinks Martha Washington was George Washington’s “husband.”

A bonus picture, which I have entitled, “Don’t look back, it’s gaining on you.”

Brevity

At the Haditha hearing today, military intelligence officer Capt. Jeffrey Dinsmore said that his report on Haditha failed to mention that civilians were killed in their homes rather than, as the Marines were claiming, out in the open during a firefight, for the sake of... brevity.

Well thank you Gary fucking Cooper. I’m all for economy of language, but there is such a thing as over-editing. In fact, I see that I over-edited myself in the previous paragraph. Let’s try again: “At the Haditha hearing today, military intelligence officer and cocksucker Capt. Jeffrey Dinsmore said...”

Much better.

Hand on heart

It seems to be naked art week here in the WIIIAIosphere. This 70-foot balloon is a self-portrait of Pawel Althamer on display in a park in Milan. And yes, the only picture I found had this strategically placed bicyclist in it.


(Update: an alert reader has sent me the URL of some better pictures of the balloon [from this Flickr account). This is precisely why I have a blog: so that people will provide me with pictures of anatomically-correct balloons.)




In the last days of his premiership, Tony Blair is still focused on the one thing that really matters: his personal reputation. “I ask you to accept one thing. Hand on heart, I did what I thought was right.” Hand on heart? After ten years in power (and with more power than was exercised by any previous prime minister, Thatcher included), his greatest worry as he leaves office is that people believe he was not sincere. Don’t know, Tony, don’t care.

Bush gave a speech to a Republican party fundraising gala tonight. He gave the traditional Republican party salute.


$10.5 million was raised. So Bush delivered $10,500,000 worth of speech:

“The enemy we face is fearless. They’re mean. They know new -- they know new -- they know no boundaries of civilization as we know it, see.”

“[T]he enemy that is causing the spectacular deaths of the innocent is al Qaeda, the very same people that launched the attacks that killed nearly 3,000 citizens on our soul -- soil.”


On AIDS assistance to Africa: “People have questioned, is it a necessary action to take. I say it’s necessary.” Who exactly questioned whether giving antiretroviral drugs to people with HIV is necessary? I want names. “I say it’s necessary to help relieve human suffering. I also say it’s necessary to make sure our soul is strong.” Or possibly our soil.


“There would be a vacuum in Iraq, and in that vacuum would flow extremists.” Honestly, I thought I knew how a vacuum worked. My 11th-grade physics teacher really should have covered the flow of extremists through a vacuum.

If Blair is still protesting his sincerity, Bush has to continuously reassure us that he “understands” things. “I understand the consequences of this historic moment.” “I understand the consequences of a pandemic like HIV/AIDS on the continent of Africa.” Of course you do, George. Call up Tony. Maybe if you tell him you believe he always did what he thought was right, he’ll tell you that he believes you know what the word “pandemic” means.

We’ve seen the extent that the enemy’s willing to go to

The Haditha hearing continues. Today Lt. Adam Mathis, the executive officer of Kilo Company, said that he and other officers didn’t consider the deaths of 24 civilians worth investigating (even after Kilo Comp’s first cover-up story, that 15 of them were killed by an IED, fell apart, a detail I’m repeating because the newspapers haven’t been mentioning it) because “the point of view was, we’ve seen the extent that the enemy’s willing to go to. The events of Nov. 19 was a demonstration of how cheap they considered human lives, that they would conduct attacks from a populated area.” Er, you all shrugged your shoulders when you heard that 24 civilians had been massacred, including children, and it’s because the other side considers human lives cheap?

You could have put me down as part of the disapproval process

Today Bush went to the Pentagon for a briefing on Iraq.


Evidently we’re winning in Baghdad. “And what happens with increased presence, there’s increased confidence, and with increased confidence becomes increased information”. Yoda has nothing on this guy.

However, he really suggests everyone just wait until Petraeus reports back in September (“And no better person to report about the conditions on the ground than somebody who was there, and that would be General Petraeus”), that is, when Corporal Combover will objectively assess whether the plan that he formulated and he implemented has succeeded or on the other hand whether his life work is a sham and a failure and he must cover his head in shame for the rest of his days. You know, that report. “My attitude toward Congress is, why don’t you wait and see what he says?”


When addressing the Democrats, he adopted a stance for which I believe the technical term used by rhetoricians is prickish. “The interesting thing about the Iraq debate, by the way, is I don’t hear a lot of discussions about what happens if we fail. I hear a lot of discussions about maybe we can make good political progress based upon this issue, or let’s just make sure that we constantly achieve -- make political hay based upon Iraq. I hear a lot of that.” I’ll bet you do, I’ll bet you do.


“IN OTHER WORDS” ROUNDUP:
1) “And they patrol streets to build trust and increase local cooperation. In other words, there’s active engagement by Iraqi forces and coalition forces in neighborhoods throughout Baghdad and the area.”
2) “The nations assembled in Egypt pledged to support Iraq in these efforts. In other words, the Iraqis said, we need help, and these nations pledged support.”
3) “It was a robust international meeting where Iraqi leaders expressed their determination to meet a series of benchmarks they have set for political progress. In other words, they have not only told me that they’re going to meet benchmarks, they’ve not only told Secretary Gates that they intend to meet benchmarks, but they’ve also told the international community they intend to do so.”


The line being quoted in the press as a sign of a possible willingness to compromise is this one: “One message I have heard from people from both parties is that the idea of benchmarks makes sense. And I agree.” No one asked him to define the word, but I assume it doesn’t involve timetables or deadlines that would provide a standard for measuring success or failure. Or penalties for failure. So what we’re left with is this: “And they must understand that we are very serious when it comes to them passing law that enables his country to more likely reconcile.”

He said that he will miss Tony Blair. “We’ve got a relationship such that we can have really good discussions.” “He is a political figure who is capable of thinking over the horizon.” George, on the other hand, falls off the edge.


“I remind people -- I reminded them that last fall, late fall -- I had been one of these people that get endlessly polled -- you know, these surveys and the pollsters calling people all the time, it looks like -- and if they had asked my opinion, I’d have said, I disapprove of what was going on in Iraq. You could have put me down as part of the disapproval process -- and, therefore, had put a plan in place that would more likely cause me to approve of what’s going on in Iraq. That’s why I made the decision I made.” Because you were endlessly polled?

Some pictures from Cheney’s trip, the first in Tikrit, the second in the more congenial climes of the United Arab Emirates.

I know it was a bad thing what I’ve done

I knew the Haditha massacre story was missing something. BBC headline: “Marine Urinated on Haditha Victim.” According to Marine Sgt. Sanick Dela Cruz, testifying under a grant of immunity, “I know it was a bad thing what I’ve done, but I done it because I was angry T.J. was dead and I pissed on one Iraqi’s head.” That one sentence sums up the entire war.

One can only hope the rhyming was unintentional.

The NYT, by the way, primly cuts that quote off at “dead.”

Not a culture of benchmarks

Iraqi politicians are pushing back in defense of their two-month vacation. (Honestly, what’s the big deal? It’s not like half of them show up anyway, and many MPs and even cabinet ministers live permanently in other countries. In the end, they’ll say they’re canceling the vacation and no one will show up.) The speaker of the Iraqi parliament, Mahmoud al-Mashhadani, decried demands that the vacation be canceled: “I think this attitude is crude and unacceptable.” He demonstrated his own sophisticated and acceptable attitude by suggesting that they “had better try and control Nancy Pelosi rather than Mahmoud al-Mashhadani.”

And Iraq’s national security adviser Mowaffak al-Rubaie was in Washington today telling members of Congress to get over themselves and not try to make Iraqi politicians move any faster than they feel like moving, or as he put it, “ramming it down our throats by midnight on September 15”: “this is all about Iraq. This is not about Washington. We need to sync the Washington clock to the Baghdad clock.” Clock? Surely you mean perpetual calendar. He added that Iraq’s is “not a culture of benchmarks.” He seems inexplicably proud of that, doesn’t he?

Hopefully touching somebody’s soul by representing our country

Bush went to Greensburg, Kansas in order to be photographed stepping over tornado damage


and hugging and generally comforting the victims.



And what sight could be more comforting than George Bush with a dangerous power tool?


He then told us that “A lot of us have seen the pictures about what happened here and pictures don’t do it justice.” Pictures... about... he’s talking about The Wizard of Oz, isn’t he?

BAD TOUCH: “My mission is to -- today, though, is to lift people’s spirits as best as I possibly can and to hopefully touch somebody’s soul by representing our country, and to let people know that while there was a dark day in the past, there’s brighter days ahead.”

Speaking of dangerous power tools, Dick Cheney informed the press that he told various Iraqis to, um, do stuff. “During the course of the meetings I emphasized the importance of making progress on the issues before us”. Good, because I’m sure they couldn’t have realized the importance of making progress on issues all by themselves, Dick. But what sort of issues? “I think they recognize that it’s in their interest as well as in our interest that they make progress on the political front just as we deal with the security issues.” Oh, political issues, why didn’t you say? And did your message about the importance of making progress on political issues sink in, Dick? “I do believe that there is a greater sense of urgency now than I’d seen previously.”


Really, the entire purpose of the trip was to stop the Iraqi National Assembly taking a two-month break from its busy schedule of doing whatever it is that the Iraqi National Assembly actually does.

Encouraging reconciliation

An AP story this morning begins: “Vice President Dick Cheney sought to encourage reconciliation among rival Iraqi factions on Wednesday in an unannounced visit to Baghdad...” I do not think it is very nice of the AP in the middle of hay fever season to run a phrase as calculated to induce snorts of derision in the runny-nosed reader as “Dick Cheney sought to encourage reconciliation...”

Here the Great Reconciliator arrives and... OH MY GOD! HE’S GOTTEN HIS ARMS LOOSE FROM THAT STRAIT JACKET! RUN, GENERAL PETRAEUS, RUUUUUUN!


And here he is encouraging reconciliation with Maliki.


I think everything’s gonna be just fine.

Wherein Bush thinks up a new slogan for Haiti

The latest email from the Biden campaign quotes a JoAnna Graller of Davenport, Iowa, who used to support Edwards but changed her mind because of the $400 haircut. Yes, clearly a sign of vanity and self-indulgence unlike, say, hair plugs (or running for president). Biden said that when he becomes president, “It will be my chance to make hope and history rhyme.” Also vanilla.

And yes I know it’s a Seamus Heaney quote although I don’t believe Biden attributed it to him. Funny, that.

Bush met today with Haiti’s “elected” “president,” Rene Preval.


It was that most rare of events, where Bush was the most honest person in the room. Preval said about Haiti, “Peace has been restored, and the conditions for investment are here. Haiti is awaiting American investors.” Bush, reaching a little to find the sunny side, said about Haiti, “The security situation is improving somewhat”.

I got through that paragraph without a single voodoo joke.

The Afghan people are our center of gravity

Today Col. John Nicholson gave a tele-briefing from Afghanistan on the war there, which he “humbly suggests[s]” we’re winning. He also said that “the Afghan people are our center of gravity” and “We feel genuinely appreciated by the Afghan people.” At least, the ones they haven’t shot up in hysterical rampages, as they did in March.

Nicholson just met with the families of the 19 civilians killed in that incident, “and I would comment that the response by the people was very positive. Showing them the appropriate respect is culturally significant, and seeing the genuine remorse that we have for incidents such as this is important in terms of keeping them with us.” He told the families that he “stand[s] before you today deeply, deeply ashamed and terribly sorry that Americans have killed and wounded innocent Afghan people.” He said that when such regrettable incidents occur, “we go to great lengths to try and make it right” and so we’re giving the survivors $2,000. Don’t spend it all in one place.

(Update: the Pentagon website’s article about Nicholson’s briefing is entitled “U.S. Soldiers Continue to Gain Trust of Afghan People.” Guess those $2,000 checks didn’t bounce.)

A Royal Command Caption Contest

Taking the fight to the enemy

Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch, Military Moron, has been promoted from his spokesmodel job and put in charge of actual troops as a division commander in Iraq. He gave a briefing Friday in which he used the phrase “my battlespace” something like 600 times. Lynch says that US casualties in Iraq will increase “because we’re taking the fight to the enemy.” So that’s okay, then. Just remember that if the number of dead American soldiers rises, it will show that we are winning. If it goes down, that will also show that we are winning. Care to guess what the number staying exactly the same will show? (In Lynch’s first appearance in this blog in 2005, he was insisting that car bombs were a sign of progress towards democracy.) He also blamed Iran for sending “accelerants of violence” to, he claims, both Shiite and Sunni insurgents.

Photographer Spencer Tunick, who does this sort of thing, got 18,000 people to pose naked in Mexico City yesterday. Oh sure, when I try to get 18,000 people to pose naked, they just look at me funny, but when Mr. Big Time Artist asks...





These are news agency photographs. You can find some of Tunick’s photos at the link in the last paragraph, or google him. Some of them are quite interesting.

Queen Elizabeth is in the US on a “All right, enough with the ‘independence’ crap already, I want my shit back” tour. She met George Bush at the White House, which she plans to give to the corgis, today. She and George did not pose naked, as far as I know. Take a look at these pictures, and I have a question for you afterwards.




All right, how many of you pictured George putting on Liz’s hat?

Plop Plop, Fizz Fizz: The Motion Picture

It is impossible to satirize Hollywood. Tonight, The Simpsons came up with “Frankenberry: The Movie,” but this morning’s NYT mentioned a live-action Underdog movie coming this summer.

Actually, stupid Hollywood remake ideas has been a theme of mine over the years. Some of the ones I heard mentioned have been made (Bewitched, Charlie’s Angels, The Manchurian Candidate, The Honeymooners), some have not, or at least not yet. Since it was a slow news weekend, let’s recap:

The Prisoner, with Mel Gibson (I believe there are again plans for this, without Gibson).

Barbarella, with Drew Barrymore.

Dr. Who, directed by the Blair Witch Project people.

Kind Hearts and Coronets, with Will Smith and Robin Williams.

Hawaii Five-0.

The Dukes of Hazzard, with Britney Spears.

A live-action Speed Racer.

Bullitt.

Kung Fu.

Welcome Back Kotter, with Ice-Cube as Kotter.

I do like the Simpsons idea of adapting characters from commercials. Let’s Get Mikey: The Movie. You’re Soaking In It: The Movie. I’d Like To Buy the World a Coke: The Motion Picture. Where’s The Beef?, starring Eddie Murphy or possibly Martin Lawrence, because one recurring theme is to remake old tv shows and movies with black actors in formerly white roles. I’m telling you, 20 years from now the movie remake of The Sopranos will be a broad comedy and Toni Soprano will be a large sassy black woman.

Anyone else have movie remake ideas?


(click for larger image)

I love France, just as one loves someone who is very close to one

On the principle that he’s a thuggish authoritarian bully but at least he doesn’t have a vagina, France elects Sarkozy president, and we’ll just have to see how badly that turns out. The exact powers of the president are not well defined, and they’ll be a lot less if the legislative elections result in a PS prime minister. Sarkozy says, “I love France. I love France, just as one loves someone who is very close to one.”

But exactly how do French people love someone who is very close to one? According to Willard Mitt Romney, who was a Mormon missionary in France in the ‘60s and does not approve of the way in which French people love someone who is very close to one, “In France, for instance, I’m told that marriage is now frequently contracted in seven-year terms where either party may move on when their term is up.” And it must be true, he read it in Ignorant Stereotypes Magazine.

Right after church this morning, Bush talked about the tornado that hit Greensburg, Kansas. “To the extent that we can help, we will,” he said. “The most important thing now, though, is for our citizens to ask for the good Lord to comfort those who hurt.” Really, the most important thing? I guess it’s easier than, I don’t know, finding them food and shelter and medical care.

I’m Harry

Tony Blair decided that Prince Harry will be sent to Iraq with his unit. The military decided not to decide, saying the decision was a political one. Obviously if it had been decided on military considerations, he wouldn’t have gone, since a lot of soldiers will spend all their time protecting him from kidnappers. Anyway, soldiers are now arriving in Iraq with t-shirts saying “I’m Harry” to show their solidarity, inspired by the movie “Spartacus.” Because Prince Harry is just like the leader of a defeated slave rebellion.

If Jenna ever joined up, would our soldiers have to wear “I’m Jenna” t-shirts?

And would they have to lift them to expose their chests in exchange for beads?

The London Sunday Times obit of Bobby Pickett says that the song “Monster Mash” was originally banned in Britain as “too morbid.”

An email from the McCain campaign provides more “fun facts about John McCain”:

In June 1999, on a campaign stop in rural New Hampshire, McCain played the fiddle for more than 3,000 residents...

John McCain boxed at Annapolis and is a lifetime boxing fan...

Something rather horrible has happened to the London Review of Books personals section: it has been taken over by genuine personal ads. Art historians and self-described fabulous Finnish blondes and Titian beauties looking for romance. That is just so wrong (although less pathetic, obviously, than the fun facts about John McCain). Here are a few from the good old days earlier this year, which I was saving up for a longer collection. (I can, however, recommend the hardback compliation “They Call Me Naughty Lola,” somewhat over-priced at $10.88 for 160 pages, but a lot of fun, and with informative footnotes).

It’s taken me all year to summon the courage to place this ad. M 34. Affectionate coward. Box no. 03/02

You, F. 40s, cannot accept a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which does not exist. Me, M. 40s, will be fond of your intolerance.

Man, 42. WLTM woman to 50 to help harness the disappointment I routinely create in all my relationships. Own tap shoes an advantage. Box no. 03/05

They say silence is golden. Well meaning man, 34, WLTM patient girl who doesn’t handle congenital lack of male foresight with carat after carat of disquieting quiet. Box no. 06/06

Woman, 36, WLTM man to 40 who doesn’t try to high-five her after sex. You know who you are. Box no. 02/08

I didn’t lecture him. He didn’t lecture me.

At the conference on Iraq in Egypt, Condi refused to let herself be photographed with the Syrian foreign minister, who no doubt wasn’t too thrilled to be seen with her either. She said of the meeting, “I didn’t lecture him. He didn’t lecture me.” Boy, there’s never a chalkboard and a pointer around when you need one, is there?


She was supposed to be seated at dinner opposite the Iranian foreign minister, but he skipped the dinner after his eyes were affronted by the sight of a female violinist (Larissa Abramova, a Ukrainian) not in Islamic dress. Here’s the slut in question.


Condi replied to demands that the US end its occupation of Iraq by citing “the facts on the ground” and suggested that “this was an opportunity for people, rather than thinking about what others should do, to think about what they should do.”

Asked about whether the Iraqi government can dismantle the militias, she said, “It is a process and it is a process that’s taking place in a particular political context and it has to be an Iraqi process”.


She generously said that “we have no problem and no tension with -- from our point of view with the Iranian people.” Indeed, “Iran is a great culture. ... We will continue to work to reach out to the Iranian people. We have had the Iranian wrestling team -- the American wrestling team in Iran. ... We’re going to continue those efforts.” Best two falls out of three?

The United States and Mexico share a great border

Today Bush met with Singaporean Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong.


“Every time I visit with the Prime Minister of our friend, Singapore,” George said, “we have a strategic dialogue. And nachos.”

I may have made up those last two words, but I have not made up his glee for all things Mexican (except actual Mexicans, of course). And today was Cinco de Mayo at the White House (as we know, George Bush does not believe in artificial timetables).


He said, “The United States and Mexico share a great border, and we share a hopeful future.” A great border?

He repeated his call for immigration reform without amnesty and without animosity and without animal crackers.

He noted, “Today, Mexican Americans in uniform answered the call to advance the cause of liberty, and this nation is really grateful for your service and your sacrifice.”

The Republican debate: all we’d need to do is plug in our TVs and have them run the country

In the Republican debate, McCain said that the war in Iraq has been “terribly mismanaged” but is now “on the right track.” So that’s okay, then.

Speaking of tracks, McCain says he personally will “follow Osama Bin Laden to the gates of hell.” Or they could car-pool.

But he doesn’t want to be the president of a failed nation. Or a sad nation.

McCain says there is “a real threat” of Iran giving a nuclear weapon to a terrorist organization. Nonsense.

Question for all the candidates: the day Roe v Wade is repealed: great day or the greatest day in the history of the universe?

Romney (to a question on Iraq’s unpopularity): “Well, if you wanted to have a president that just followed the polls, all we’d need to do is plug in our TVs and have them run the country, but that’s not what America wants.” See, the view of the American people is that they don’t want the country to follow the views of the American people. But how does Romney know that the American people don’t want a president to follow the polls? Was there a poll that said that? Also, it’s not the tv’s that run the country, it’s a secret cabal of microwave ovens.

Romney says “This is a nation, after all, that wants a leader that’s a person of faith, but we don’t choose our leader based on which church they go to.” He hopes. Brownback, with characteristic subtlety, says that “we’re a nation of faith, as my colleague Senator Lieberman, a Jew, says.” Silliest evasion of the question, from Giuliani: Q: “Has the increased influence of Christian conservatives in your party been good for it?” MR. GIULIANI: “Sure, the increased influence of large numbers of people are always good for us.”

Romney has a rather stunning tax proposal: no tax at all on bank interest, stock dividends or capital gains.

Asked to name something the federal government does really well, Duncan Hunter said “precision munitions on Mr. Zarqawi’s safe house.”

Seven out of 10 believe in evolution. Huh. McCain adds, “But I also believe, when I hike the Grand Canyon and see it at sunset, that the hand of God is there also.” But only at sunset.

Ron Paul says he trusts the internet a lot more than mainstream media. That’s just crazy talk.

Giuliani says that during the Democratic debate, “I never remember the words ‘Islamic fundamentalist terrorism’ being spoken by any of them. ... I heard it a lot tonight.”

Tancredo tried to quote Benjamin Franklin, possibly something wise and pithy about Islamic fundamentalist terrorism, but Chris Matthews wouldn’t let him.

Caption contest:

The nation that prays together, brays together

Today is the National Day of Prayer. I just sacrificed a goat to Odin, so I’m covered. Here Bush is, praying alongside Focus on the Family’s James Dobson and his wife.



What is he praying for?

Later in the morning, he met with some clergy to discuss “comprehensive immigration reform.” But these were not the only people he talked to about this subject: “I’ve talked to people who work for corporate America -- Andy works for Marriott International, a corporation that understands that it’s very helpful, it’s in their interest to help people assimilate.” If by “assimilate” you mean clean toilets.

“I’ve talked to people that are raising families that have come from other countries, that are now U.S. citizens and understand the benefit of what it means to have learned English.” They suggested he try it some time.

He repeated his new immigration slogan about treating illegal immigrants “not with amnesty and not with animosity and not with animatronics.”

It is not understandable anymore

Harmid Karzai says he wishes American troops would stop killing quite so many Afghan civilians (including 50 or so this week in Herat province, mostly as a result of air strikes): “five years on, it is very difficult for us to continue to accept civilian casualties. It is not understandable anymore. ... It is becoming a heavy burden and we are not happy about it.” Or, to put it another way, for 5½ years he did accept thousands of civilian casualties, found them entirely understandable, considered them a light burden, and was not unhappy about them.

I’m the commander guy

Bush’s veto message on the Iraq spending bill complains: “The Congress should not use an emergency war supplemental to add billions in spending to avoid its own rules for budget discipline and the normal budget process.” Yes, heaven forbid an emergency war supplemental bill avoid the normal budget process.

This morning Bush met with Colombian Warlord Uribe, who he described as “a true democrat, a strong leader, and a friend.”


He said it is “very important for this nation to stand with democracies that protect human rights and human dignity” with, you know, amnesties for his friends in death squads, murders of union leaders, that sort of thing. The way he wants us to stand with Colombia is through a free-trade agreement. “This agreement is good for the United States. It’s good for job-creators, farmers, workers. This agreement is good for Colombia. It’s good for job-creators, and workers, and farmers.” Insert obvious cocaine joke here.

Later he met with Yemeni President Ali Abdullah “Wild Eyes” Saleh. “And we spent a lot of time talking about our mutual desire to bring radicals and murderers to justice.”


In between, he met the Associated General Contractors of America, a group of contractors who are both associated and general. Joe “The Contractor” Lieberman was there. Said Bush, “And I appreciate Senator Joe Lieberman. ... Joe Lieberman is one of these -- I would call him a unique soul who followed his conscience, stood for what he believed in, in the face of a political firestorm. And he proved that if you stand on conviction, the people will follow.” Although they will vote for someone else in the primary.


Said Bush, “I like to be in the room of builders and doers and problem solvers and entrepreneurs.” The associated general contractors, presumably, rather than Holy Joe.

And then he talked about his “new strategy” in Iraq at some length. I have a headache and need to go to my bank and yell at them shortly, so I’ll just quote: “The most important fact about our new strategy, it is fundamentally different from the previous strategy.” “The whole purpose is to secure the capital. My theory is, and it’s a good one, is that if the capital is in chaos, the country can’t -- it’s going to be difficult for the country to survive.” “What’s interesting is, is that the plan, General Petraeus’s plan, is to help build trust. And when you build trust, you end up getting people buying into a centralized government, a unity government, a country that is united.” “it’s important to measure the level of sectarian violence. If the objective is to bring security to the capital, one measurement is whether or not sectarian violence is declining. These measures are really not flashy. In other words, they’re not headline-grabbing measures. They certainly can’t compete with a car bomb or a suicide attack.”


“My attitude is, if murderers run free, it’s going to be hard to convince the people of any society that the government is worth supporting.” “The same bunch that is causing havoc in Iraq were the ones who came and murdered our citizens.”

Once again, he denied the existence of a civil war in Iraq: “The recent attacks are not the revenge killings that some have called a civil war. They are a systematic assault on the entire nation. Al Qaeda is public enemy number one in Iraq. ... For America, the decision we face in Iraq is not whether we ought to take sides in a civil war, it’s whether we stay in the fight against the same international terrorist network that attacked us on 9/11.”


Asked one of a series of not-at-all-prescreened questions (“What do I need to do, what does the media need to do to help you, so that my second cousin, and others like him, have not died or been injured in vain?” “What do you pray about, and how we can we pray for you?”), this one about how we can force the media to run positive stories about Iraq, Bush said that freedom of the press is “just something that we’ve all got to live with”.

He took a stab at defining success in Iraq: “Success is not, no violence. There are parts of our own country that have got a certain level of violence to it. But success is a level of violence where the people feel comfortable about living their daily lives.”

He spoke again against democratic civilian control of the military: “That didn’t make any sense to me, to impose the will of politicians over the recommendations of our military commanders in the field. ... The question is, who ought to make that decision? The Congress or the commanders? And as you know, my position is clear -- I’m the commander guy.”


“Intelligence is important,” he said, possibly ironically. “You have to know in advance that somebody’s getting ready to slide into society and kill innocent in order to achieve an objective.”

I’m with stupid.

Funds and flexibility or chaos and confusion

Bush’s little address to the nation continued the alliteration theme, demanding a bill to “provide our brave men and women in uniform with the funds and flexibility they need.”

“Instead,” he said, “members of the House and the Senate passed a bill...” (Not the actual House and Senate, just members of the House and Senate) “...that substitutes the opinions of politicians for the judgment of our military commanders.” Politicians have opinions, military commanders have judgment.

He continued, “It makes no sense...” (So politicians have opinions, but they don’t have sense) “to tell the enemy when you plan to start withdrawing. All the terrorists would have to do is mark their calendars and gather their strength”. Or gather their calendars and mark their strength.

“Setting a deadline for withdrawal is setting a date for failure”. That date was January 20, 2001.

Okay, really, I enjoy alliteration as much as the next blogger, but c’mon: “the bill would impose impossible conditions on our commanders in combat.... This is a prescription for chaos and confusion”.

He again describes the spending bill as a “political statement” and suggests “now it is time to put politics behind us,” which is actually a statement about what the Democrats should do because Bush, of course, doesn’t engage in politics himself.

He says we know the surge is working because sectarian murders are down in Baghdad although “we continue to see spectacular suicide attacks”. I’ve gone back and forth in my mind about what the Bushies are up to when they continually describe bombings as “spectacular” attacks. I think the implication is that when we pay attention to them, we are doing exactly what the terrorists want. It’s not wrong to point out that terrorism is in part show biz, but there is also an implication that the problem they pose for the US is less in terms of the actual damage they cause (what’s a few dozen more dead Iraqis more or less?) than the PR damage. Bush didn’t say “there continue to be spectacular suicide attacks,” he said “we continue to see spectacular suicide attacks”.

He adds, “These attacks are largely the work of al Qaeda -- the enemy that everyone agrees we should be fighting.” Of course what he means is that some of the terrorists call themselves Al Qaida, and have only the most tenuous connections with Osama and that lot (remember Osama, George?) (no, really, I’m really wondering: do you actually remember Osama, George? Tall guy, beard?).

He ended with one of those “why do you hate the troops?” moments that seem more despicable with every passing day: “Yet whatever our differences, surely we can agree that our troops are worthy of this funding – and that we have a responsibility to get it to them without further delay.”

The cauldron of chaos at the CENTCOM Coalition Conference

Today Bush went to Florida to address a CENTCOM Coalition Conference, an alliterative event if ever there was one.

Here he is walking to his helicopter.


Waving as he walks to his helicopter.


More waving.


Yes, I’m padding. His speech wasn’t that interesting.

In discussing Iraq, you’d almost think the mission had been accomplished four years ago, since “Our main enemy is al Qaeda and its affiliates.” We seem to be reverting to a simpler time, when Bush didn’t have to talk about Sunnis and Shiites, or know the difference. Or know that they existed.


This was a Coalition of the Willing event, so he had to alter his rhetoric to pretend that he cares about what happens in other countries: “We must defeat the enemy overseas, so we don’t have to face them in our countries.” You’ll note that whoever re-wrote that usually US-centric slogan forgot that some of the COW countries are not actually separated from the enemy by a sea.

The Iraq war is just like another war when there were a bunch of quitters: “During the Cold War, the NATO Alliance worked to liberate nations from communist tyranny, even as allies bickered, and millions marched in the streets against us, and the pundits lost hope.”


“Just as America and our allies are standing together in Afghanistan, a determined coalition is committed to winning the fight in Iraq.” He must love Afghanistan, his forgotten war: no one talks about benchmarks or timetables or exit strategies or even winning. What’s our mission in Afghanistan? Standing together.

The highlight of the speech was the return of my favorite bit of rhetoric, the “cauldron of chaos,” which is what Iraq would turn into if we pulled out of Baghdad. “Our enemy, the enemies of freedom, love chaos. Out of that chaos they could find new safe havens.” Well, safe but chaotic havens, because of the cauldron thing.


These days, he uses Colonel Combover as a human shield for everything. Look how he quotes him saying the exact things Bush has been saying literally for years: “Last week, General Petraeus called al Qaeda ‘probably public enemy number one’ in Iraq. He said that al Qaeda has made Iraq ‘the central front in their global campaign.’” Bush has so little credibility left that if he told Laura the sky is blue, she’d ask if General Petraeus also thinks the sky is blue.

He told the representatives of the COW countries, “Thank you for helping the liberated.”

The height of cynicism

At today’s Gaggle, Dana Perino castigated the Democrats for sending up the Iraq spending bill on Mission Accomplished Day: “it is a trumped-up political stunt that is the height of cynicism”. How dare they use the anniversary of Bush’s trumped-up political stunt for a trumped-up political stunt! How dare they!

A very Chimpy Mission Accomplished Day

Four years, how time flies when you’re having fun. Here are the comments I made at the time:

Just watched Bush’s little smirk-and-swagger-a-thon, on board a carrier, no less. They’re going to divert the path of the carrier so that Bush can take a helicopter from it to San Diego, so all in all a pretty expensive campaign ad. We should be thankful he didn’t give the speech in the flight suit he was wearing earlier, which I thought was very Michael-Dukakis-in-a-tank, although a middle-aged man in a suit and tie on an aircraft carrier is also pretty silly-looking.


“We have difficult work to do in Iraq,” he said, but then he considers tying his shoes difficult work and has never mastered the pronunciation of nuclear, so perhaps his definition of what constitutes difficult work is not everyone’s. Again he referred to the military as the “highest calling.” In your face, doctors and teachers! He said that Saddam built palaces instead of hospitals and schools. Of course now the hospitals are all looted, and the US military is occupying both the palaces and the schools, and this week shot up a crowd of people [in Falluja] who wanted their school back, so possibly that wasn’t the best choice of words. He also tried hard to link the war to terrorism, still without offering any proof of the alliance of Iraq with al Qaida, which he mentioned yet again.

“The war on terror is not over; yet it is not endless. We do not know the day of final victory, but...” yadda yadda. The problem is that he is treating the “war on terror” as if it were a traditional war, with a “day of final victory,” but fighting terrorism is at least as much like a police problem, no more winnable than the war on drugs or the war on muggings.

One problem with treating this as a traditional war is that it encourages racist responses. Let’s see if I can explain that. The Bushies are encouraging us to think of terrorists as if they were a nationality, as if they all came from one (evil) place that can be bombed, when they are in fact a dispersed group of people with diverse origins (the Brits are currently trying to figure out how they produced their very first suicide bomber), and diverse ideologies. We’re being encouraged to think of them instead as an ethnic or national group, and the only ethnic group that most of them are is Arab.

I was right about Bush’s visit to the carrier being expensive, but it also kept the sailors from their homes by an extra day, after the longest deployment of a US carrier in 30 years.